Poor Straightey

I've noticed two patterns when my female friends tell me about their boyfriends:

1. They impersonate their boyfriend using an ape-like voice.
2. They bitch about his inability to give them orgasms.

Where You At?

Me: is california more gay like everyone says it is?
Friend: yep and that's why they had the wild fires there
Friend: it was god smiting us
Me: haha!
Friend: oh...i don' t know if it's any gayer
Friend: i mean san diego has hillcrest
Friend: which is the gay part.. like boystown
Friend: and la has west hollywood
Friend: but i think people are just way more laid back in general there
Friend: so even if people don't like it..they're too lazy to do much about it
Friend: but there's definitely still opposition there too
Friend: it's not just easy breezy..but it's better than podunk illinois
Me: oo, i could tolerate a lazy homophobe
Me: in season 3 of the l word they make midwesterners look like flannel-wearing hicks
Me: and LA as LESBIANVILLE
Friend: well don't you wear flannel
Friend: haha
Friend: i do wear flannel pajama pants on occasion
Me: that's different
Friend: they're pink, haha
Me: haha, pink flannel

Just Like Everybody Else Does

Sigh, there was a girl I liked. She liked me too. We clicked and had potential. But she wanted me to be 100% out, and it's not a wise option for me at this point. She made it an ultimatum, so now she's gone. I feel endless rage at the fact that hiding has to be a survival tactic.

I sorta feel like Season 1 David in Six Feet Under. She definitely is like Keith about her orientation: she's blunt and makes no apologies. I respect that, but it's a very black-or-white view to just expect someone to leap out of the closet all at once. I do see where she's coming from though.

I try to keep this blog somewhat entertaining and interesting (and not too personal), but I don't have the energy for that at the moment. Perhaps in a day or two.

Thank Kelka

I was giggling at work this week as I listened to the two, new, awesome Kelka podcasts. I love that feeling of laughing out loud in public and looking like a weirdo.

There totally should be a Kelka pride parade. And then a dance party afterwards. And a part of me totally wants to fly to Albuquerque during Pride to possibly see what they look like and party with other Kelkians.

In light of this holiday, I want to say that I seriously am grateful to them for their humor and confidence; it's contagious and much-needed.

I was mental blogging in my sleep for this blog. How nerdy am I? And I remember having a good post idea, but I have no idea what it is now. I'm surprised I've maintained this blog for so long.

Posting shall resume on Monday. Happy Thanksgiving break!

When Het Fashion Goes Wrong

The contrast in this picture amuses me:


Kate is looking pretty hot, but the woman next to her looks like a scary clown (click image for a more frightening magnification). She's wearing too much make-up, especially with her eyeshadow. She looks plastic. The irony is that she seems pretty, and she'd probably look good with little to no make-up. I hope she isn't gay, because that'd be even worse.

Kinda Gay

Me: on on unrelated note, last night i dreamt that some doctor figured out how to temporarily bring my cat back to life...laugh it up
Friend: LOL..some people miss their parents or grandparents. you miss your CAT.

Me: but i mean, life ultimately is about trying to get what you want, managing life when you get it, dealing with not getting it, dealing with disappointment when you realize that what you wanted wasn't all that great, etc.
Friend: true
Me: and the only thing that can change in this crappy equation is your view of it
Me: and this equation is like bad sex with a man...what a redundant conclusion
Friend: hahahah!!!!

Comic Relief

I had a dream in which almost every girl who had ever disappointed me (romantically or platonically) either taunted or teased me. Some of them worked together. It was like they all played for one team...a team against me. It was torturesome.

Must. quote. Kelka.

"I musta looked like a big tomato!"-KC, commenting on how she must have looked in an overheated classroom with her Spanish teacher

"I'm gonna hit you with something...like my lips."-Elka, expressing cute irritation with KC's silly voice overload

"She's like, 'This is never going to happen again; I assure you. Now lay down on the floor, and let me show you that I can resist you.'"-KC, imitating Dylan and all "straight" girls

"They know who had the anus."-KC, getting lost in her own sentence about Paige

"If you have something to say to us, you know where we live. We're in Albuquerque. Just look around till you see a dyke; it's probably one of us! I will take you down Octopus Head!!"-Elka, sending threats to Betty

"It's like we're recording the Harry Potter books on tape."-Elka, commenting on KC's silly voices again

Shameless Self Indulgence

I'm an amalgam of the following television show characters:

• Darlene Connor from Roseanne (dry, sarcastic, vegetarian)

• Adrian Monk from Monk (I have a handful phobias, some of which are rational, and some of which are not)

• Brenda Chenowith from Six Feet Under (painfully intellectual)

• Claire Fisher from Six Feet Under (constantly searching beneath the surface for more meaning via art)

• David Fisher from Six Feet Under (struggles with accepting his gayness)

• Luke Danes from Gilmore Girls (no, I don't wear flannel and a backwards baseball cap, but I have a grouchy layer that covers a softer one)

As for The L Word, I honestly identify with bits of Bette, Shane, Alice, Dana, and even Jenny the Cunt From Hell. I love it when I can be a hilarious bitch like Bette; I can be emotionally counterproductive like Shane; I'm more emotionally attracted to girls like Alice; I can be a dorky jock like Dana; and I can get lost in myself and in writing like Jenny.

Nip/Fuck

I felt unsure about this season after watching this week's episode of Nip/Tuck. It felt like there was too much obscenity for obscenity's sake. I love it when shows willingly push the envelope and get raw and graphic. But there has to be a purpose to it, and I feel like that was lacking in this past episode. Perhaps it was a transitional episode. Or maybe I'm in Six Feet Under mode and have more of an appreciation for subtety at the moment.

Anyways, here are my comments:

-Julia is not a very convincing lesbian. Are they making her appear unconvincing on purpose? I like how she played Christian, but she and Olivia look weird together. They look like they could be sisters, and it's like a blonde overload.

-I still think Julia is bisexual at most. I also think she's a pseudo-bisexual who is running from her issues with men by being with a woman.

-Why is Sean acting like a 15 year old boy? Why is he so attracted to Eden? She's an ugly, airheaded cunt. The fact that she called Annie fat made me sick. The fact that Sean, a middle-aged man, turned to gawk at Eden in the middle of a conversation with his daughter

didn't sit well with me either. And Eden's concept of maintaining her "virginity" was so fucking obnoxious.

-Why are Sean and Christian so in love with Julia? What's so great about her?

-It would be interesting to see Julia and Christian try to be a couple. I don't know if it'd work though.

-Yaay, Matt and Kimber are drug addicts with a baby. Way to show character growth.

-Where the hell was Wilbur? You know, Christian's adopted son?

-Why is Christian pursuing a career as a gigolo?

I guess I was expecting the characters to grow a little. Maybe I shouldn't expect that. Maybe part of this season is about corruption and being out of control.

Ouch

I think I might have had my first experience with open bigotry this evening. I'm not entirely sure though because I don't know what criteria was being held against me.

I got off work and went to a health foods store that I regularly shop at. I was perusing the aisle when this middle-aged woman gave me a look of irritation and them mumbled something like, "I don't even know why you're here other than to annoy me." Then she rushed away to a different aisle as if my presence was irritating her. I was dumbfounded and decided to shrug it off.

But then we coincidentally ended up in the same aisle again and she said the same thing, except she said it louder and looked me directly in the eye when she said it. I replied with confused, half-chuckling, "Whaaat?" And she mocked me like a child by repeating what I said in a condescending tone. My heart thumped. I was officially pissed.

After I bought my stuff, I went up to her and very calmly asked her what her problem was. She told me to go away and that she didn't want to talk to me. I told her I didn't do anything to her, and she replied, "That's right, you didn't do anything." I told her she needed help, gave her the finger, and said "Fuck you" in a monotone voice as I exited the store. It probably wasn't worth the effort to confront a bitch like that, but I managed to express myself without making a scene.

For a minute I considered what I could have done to offend her. But nothing came to mind. I don't think there's anything inherently offensive about my appearance. I suppose I could be considered odd-looking because my ethnicity isn't always obvious to most people. But I think I'm a relatively normal-looking person.

Did she think I'm some punk kid with no job? I could pass for a 16 year old. Is she a racist? Could she somehow tell I'm queer? Who fucking knows. All of these thoughts ran through my head. I know they shouldn't have. I know she clearly was taking out her own issues onto me. But I still felt hurt. And I wish I could have at least known what her problem with me was, even if it probably was ignorant, irrational, or not even related to me. For all I know the cunt could be psychologically unstable.

I guess I'm writing this here because if this minor incident hurt, I don't know how I'd deal with discrimination that's even more blatant, offensive, or bigoted.

Uhhh...

Disclaimer #1: I'm well aware that I use a lot of stereotypes to assess the orientation of a person in this post. I don't think my assessment is incorrect, but I acknowledge that I could be incorrect.

So I'm hanging out with my friend, and I happened to browse her facebook profile. I was looking at her friends and spotted a cute gay-looking girl. We got to talking about this cute gay-looking girl (whom I'll refer to as Esther).

I had a "WTF?" moment when my friend told me that Esther identified as straight.

Um, okay, sure, she could be straight. But let's examine the criteria here:

1. she's androgynous
   
2. she sports the cool-looking boy cut
3. she dresses boyish
4. she has a deep voice
5. she's a vegan
6. she's a feminist
7. she's a hippy in the "I ride my bike everywhere" sense
8. she has some interest in Indian culture (another hippy'ish trait)
   
9. her boyfriend could be described as being "flagrant"
10. etc.
    

Esther has to at least be bi. The funny part is that she openly supports LGBT interests and is interested in her school's Gay Straight Alliance (and she makes sure to make her 'heterosexuality' clear there). I'm partly convinced that this can be part of one of the stages of denial. Like, "Look at me, I'm so 'comfortable' with being 'straight' that I can hang out gay with people and advocate their equality." The truth is they're just inching their way to gayville.

Disclaimer #2: I know everyone has their own timeline in accepting themselves. I completely understand this. Hell, it took me forever to, and I sometimes feel like a dumbass in hindsight. But the question, "Who do you think you're kidding?" keeps popping into my head here.

I don't know why this amuses me so much. Anytime I see a clearly closeted gay person or a clearly closeted gay couple (a gay guy and girl pretending to be a couple), I crack up. Perhaps it masks my underlying frustration with the idea of being closeted in general. It's pretty awful to be in a phase in which you keep trying to lie to yourself.

Or I'm just a cunt.

Because...?

I was listening to the radio, and there was a discussion over a double standard: if two girls kiss, they aren't necessarily gay/bi, but if two guys kiss, then they are definitely gay/bi.

One woman confirmed this double standard by saying that girls are supposed to experiment and guys aren't. Another said that girls kiss other girls because it turns guys on.

I felt irritated and switched to another station.

Why can't guys experiment? Why can't guys enjoy kissing other guys and be okay with leaving it at that?

And, most importantly, why can't guys kiss for the sake of turning girls like me on?

Status

• I am suffering from acute yet chronic kitty withdrawal. No, I do not mean that as any sort of sex pun. But this blog seemed like the right place to advertise this frustration. Since I'm unable to buy one of my own at the moment, I need to find a way to access a cute, young, moderately friendly cat within the next month. And when I do, I am likely to inflict a loud and obnoxious degree of affection onto him/her. If these withdrawal symptoms intensify, I might just start befriending people I don't like to use them for their cats. I feel like George Costanza for saying this. Luckily I'm not serious. Yet.
  

• I like to look like a girl; I like to look like a boy. I'm occasionally envious of those who can simultaneously look like both. Oh well.

• Sometimes I wish I could use being queer as an excuse to avoid doing things like using purses or wearing ugly heels ( I like heels, just not hideous ones--a subjective statement, I know). But I guess that would just reinforce stereotypes.
  

Coincidence

So I'm at a Borders as I chill and wait for some friends to get off work. And I see two women hanging out together. They looked familiar, but I couldn't place my finger on where I had seen them before. I was kinda staring for a few seconds, and I felt like a rude asshole until I finally recognized who they were. I asked them, "Are you Oz and Slicey?" And they were like "Uh...yeah...we've never been recognized in public before."

We briefly chatted about season 5, and they said that the actresses like this season second only to season one, so they're looking forward to it (I think the actresses have a better idea of what makes a good season then Ilene does). The conversation was a bit awkward, but it was pleasant.

By the way, Oz and Slicey are the creators and maintainers of this website.

But the Podcast Goes On!

"I'm gonna beat your ass at Word Association! I dominate the sport of Word Association!"-KC, mocking Elka for labeling "word association" as a game

"Why did I write seatbelt is up in my arms? ...oh, anus."-KC, clarifying her notes regarding the Paige/Shane sex scene

"It's a cartoon of a cat shitting!"-Elka, articulating the hilarious drawing for the listeners

"I like to dress like a girl and fuck like a man."-Elka, saying a hilariously shocking statement

"I have curly hair that is in a halo around my head."-Elka, defining her Jewfro

"It's like those old Westerns when the guy takes like five minutes to die. He's like [groans], and he falls down and rolls around and climbs back up a poll and then eventually like gets run over by a horse and then dies again a few times."-KC, comparing Sounder's death to the sillyness of Westerns

Snippets

This is from two years ago:

Me: I think I want to slowly become more girly.

Friend: Does this mean no more lightsaber duels?

Me: Oh fuck no! There will always be lightsaber duels. And I'll still watch Batman: The Animated Series

Friend: You rock.

Damn straight.

This is from two days ago (different friend):

Friend: I didn't like American Beauty

Me: Mmmm Wes Bentley. Mmmm Kevin Spacey.

Friend: Hah, you and your old man crushes.

Me: Shut up! Kevin Spacey is attractive!

Friend: I mean, mine are worse...like Anthony Hopkins and Ian McKellan

Me: Well, you better bring your dildo if you want Ian.

Friend: LOL

Me: And lots of lube!

Friend: lol/gross/mmm

Yeah, we're sick.

Gasp!

I literally did gasp when Portia came onto the screen during Nip/Tuck. Julia is in a lesbian relationship?! I knew there would be some lesbian drama going on with Portia on the show, but Julia as a lesbian? I guess it's believable, but I'm guessing Julia is bisexual.

I like how Julia coming out to Sean and Christian ended their obnoxious competitiveness. Christian's perverted reaction was accurate and in character.

I can't say that I find Portia especially attractive, but her character's demeanor is definitely hot. I think Julia is hideous; she looks like a ferret. I have no idea why both Sean and Christian fought over her.

I loved the look on Liz's face when she realized that Julia was dating a woman. I want Liz to find love...or just get laid.

Christian is not as hot as he used to be; he looked ridiculous in those leopard briefs during his photo shoot.

I hope the show does a good and interesting job of exploring Julia's bisexuality. She was a rather boring character before since all she did was get knocked up and whine about not being able to be a doctor.

Ah, the drama. Gotta love it.

" "

"No, I like the taste of blood! Kill! Kill!"-KC, caricaturing the stereotypical war hungry Republicans

"I urinated all over the couch."-Elka, stating her reaction to the fact that they didn't get rid of the Betty intro in season 4

"I wouldn't marry someone who didn't use punctuation."-KC, after reading someone's punctuation-less marriage proposal on the Valentine's Day podcast (I have to agree with her on this point)

"And then Shane vacuums up Mount Everest."-Elka, referring to Shane's massive cocaine use

"You are very voweluptuous."-KC, making a cute pun in reference to Elka's name

"Why are you so obsessed with butt today?"-Elka, asking KC a good question

Let it Out

I'm proud of myself for some things that I did this weekend. I came out of a few different types of closets:

• I finally came out to a friend I had been meaning to come out to for a while. I was waiting for the right time until I threw the notion of "the right time" out the window and just did it. Good friends will listen no matter what the timing is.

• I had a rough time with a few challenging situations, and I (*gasp*) opened up to friends about it. I didn't just bottle it up and let it fester like I usually do. What a concept!

No, I didn't come out completely in the gay way. But I've noticed that I hide the parts of myself that I won't think certain people will want to put up with. I feel like a burden or that my issues don't merit attention. I invalidate my own problems and identity by keeping it in. And isn't that sort of what being in the closet is like?

I'm getting to a point where I just need to be more honest with people even though the consequences of this terrify me. But in the words of Bettina from Six Feet Under, "I think if you're afraid of something? It means you should probably do it."

Come Again?

“I’ve learned that there are straight lesbians, then women who are a little bit of lesbian, then women who are a little bit more. There are various levels."-Pam Grier

I agree that there are levels, but what exactly is a straight lesbian? Isn't that an oxymoron?

And by "Sunday," I mean "Saturday"

• I've been a lot less judgemental of myself in the respects that I outlined in this post.

• I feel like some of the more recent fashions are for either females with really long torsoes or females who want longer shirts to show their hips. I do not fall into either of these categories. I like my hips; I think they are a good size for me. But I don't want to advertise them either. If someone wants to see them, then they'll just have to get permission. This may or may not be a gender-related issue.

• A classmate took notice to my gay man gestures the other day. She didn't use the words "gay man gestures," but she totally teased me and impersonated how I enthusiastically flicked my hands outwards. The worst part is that I flicked my hands outwards when I said the word "fabulous."