When L Word Fashion Goes Wrong

Stranger Lover

I miss new Kelka. Granted, now there are soo many hours of yummy podcasting goodness to re-listen to, but we got so spoiled this past season.

Kelka is one of my centering tools. When life or interpersonal interactions get stressful, it's nice to have a consistently funny realm to partake in. It's theraputic.

I wish I could blog more here; typing is still laborious for me.

Being in a relationship with a male after feeling so gay for months on end is...odd at times. It's been about a month, and I'm still happy with him. I know a month isn't long, but it is in my world. I don't feel like I have to give up being queer, but I do make sure to wear the boyish half of my wardrobe on days that I don't see him.

Cont'd

Me: aww yr making me feel all maternal
Friend: how?
Me: if/when u do kiss a girl, i'm gonna be so damn proud
Friend: hahahahaha
Friend: not if, when
Me: right, when
Me: i'm gonna be like, "that's my girl"
Me: "she's growin up so fast"
Friend: hahahahaha
Friend: the pic better be on facebook
Me: of u kissing?
Friend: yes lol
Me: so i can cherish it?
Friend: haha yes
Me: awww
Friend: and so can i

Me: i refuse to have long nails
Friend: why not try
Friend: you get used to them and they are so nicce
Me: only if i became a hand model
Friend: LOL
Me: i've been told i have nice hands
Friend: if you get acrylic nails youll have really nice hands
Me: eh
Me: i dont want ppl thinking im straight
Friend: whats so bad about that?
Me: well, i'm not straight
Me: and it decreases the already small chances of me finding a girl to makeout with
Friend: true
Friend: apparently some lesbians do have long nails though
Friend: femmy ones
Me: well i can be femmy, but i'm more of a giver
Friend: you arent a pillow queen. lol!
Friend: whats the opposite of that
Friend: isnt it a stone butch?
Me: hah maybe
Me: gah i'm not that either
Friend: haha no
Me: well w/ guys i can be pillow queen'ish
Friend: not with girls? wow. thats really lesbian of you
Me: but i'm proud of the blowjobs i can give
Friend: well if you can deepthroat, you should be
Me: damn straight
Me: but yeah, i like to be able to make a girl happy
Me: it makes my sexual resume very impressive
Friend: ew
Me: i'm just bi
Friend: you truly are i think
Me: knowing that doesn't make life any less irritating
Friend: well being bi isnt bad
Me: bisexuality is constant irritation
Me: the up side is that one can still be straight
Friend: and the down side is being gay?
Me: well that's how you see it
Friend: it is though
Friend: i really think the birth control pills were making me lesbian. ive been off them now for a while and i felt so fucking hetero today
Friend: my gay friend and i were checking out guys, and there was this gorgeous guy with really hot arms. i was, like, staring at him
Me: lol wow
Friend: the lesbianism is wearing off, thank god
Me: welcome back to the middle of kinsey's scale

In & Out Vol. 2

Me: i love saying raging bulldyke
Me: have you seen but i'm a cheerleader?
Me: it's a funny lesbian movie.
Friend: actually i was feeling very lesbian last week so i downloaded that movie
Me: LOL
Friend: oh....and just to address my random typos...those are because of my breeder nails
Me: hahahaha
Me: get rid of them before u see your lesbian crush!
Friend: omg but they are so beautiful
Friend: i got them done again last week
Me: lol straightey
Friend: OMG. shes gonna think im straight fuckkkkk, what should i do
Me: get rid of them for her!
Friend: but i like them lol
Friend: what should i tell her
Me: oh god
Me: theyre just nails
Friend: LOL
Friend: youre so funny sometimes
Me: nails girl, nails girl

Friend: i wonder if i can have both
Friend: the boy and girl that i like
Me: you can die trying
Friend: emotional attachment + dick
Friend: i bet
Me: you aren't emotional w/ your boy?
Friend: im not sure, kinda confused. i dont know if i really like him, or i just really like the attention he gives me
Me: yeah i hate distinguishing those two
Friend: hmm but if you cant distinguish, its probably just the attention you like?
Me: could be both
Friend: hmm but im not confused about liking the girl
Me: that's a part of romance tho: attention
Friend: true
Me: but w/ guys, the roles are defined
Me: guys give more
Friend: aah you are just confusing me more lol
Friend: now im even more not sure
Me: that's my job...blur everything
Friend: lol of course
Friend: i like how he acts all boyfriendy though
Friend: like he keeps taljking about taking me to dinner, taking me to his house, etc
Me: yeah, see?
Me: stereotypical het gender roles
Friend: gah! but its nice
Friend: they arent that stereotypical....i dont let him pay for me
Me: i'd be lying if i said i didn't enjoy them at times
Friend: yeah but there is a limit
Friend: i wouldnt want a suga daddy
Me: yeah me neither
Friend: its about equality
Me: reciprocity
Friend: yea exactly

Running Head

• Now that I have a regular male cuddlebuddy, I feel greedy; I want a female cuddle buddy too. She can't be straight. Is it wrong to want to be a cuddle slut? It would be platonic cuddling (although some sort of mutual desire to cuddle would obviously need to be there). My body is built for cuddling (small and soft), and I can provide references who can attest to this.

• So I have had a few classes with this older dude who almost made my gaydar detector explode. He dresses masculine, but I didn't even need to hear him talk to suspect that he was gay: it was all in the way he sat and the facial expression he had. And when I did hear him talk, that solidified it. His fingers gracefully contort in ways that even mine can't (I have big hands and freakishly flexible fingers--they're NOT man hands though!). But maybe I'm way off: he's married and has grandkids. Or, he's closeted.
  

• Everyone always says how Brian and Justin from Queer As Folk are the hottest gay couple on TV. There may be some truth to this, but I was re-re-watching season 5 of Six Feet Under, and Keith and David are definitely the cutest. I kept squealing at every cute thing between them. And they're both hotties who aren't over the top.

• I had a dream that a friend of mine got to go on a date with Ellen Page. I was sooo jealous!
  

Trouble in Paradise

In the past I have written about how I tend to not feel emotionally into boys as much as girls. I've definitely had strong feelings for boys, but I just think two girls can connect better. Boy am I in trouble: I think I might like the boy I'm seeing more than any of the others.

I could play the comparing game and say that I'd feel more strongly about a girl than a guy, but that's not fair. People are what they are, and they don't deserve to be constantly measured against a different standard.

I could be annoying and write a long, giddy list of reasons why I think he's great, but I won't. We've been seeing each other 2-3 times a week, and things are mostly comfortable and enjoyable. We just click...and not just mentally. But emotionally and physically as well.

In the past I've had intense mental connections that could only pick up the slack for the other departments for so long. Even my ex and I worked well on paper: we respected each others' brains, we found each other attractive, and we were willing to put up with the other's shit. But we still didn't click.

I was talking to my friend last night, and she put it best: "If you're bi, you never know who you could fall for." I certainly wasn't expecting to fall for a dude. But I'm not one to disregard a connection based on a person's gender.

BUT, I may have to deliver some bad news to him in the near future. It has potential to be a dealbreaker. I'm scared of hurting, disappointing, and losing him. He's partly aware of the situation already, and he's focusing on making the best of it. But I'm thinking worst case scenario here.

And, for the first time in a long time, I don't feel my usual underlying indifference to losing a guy. I'm so fucked.

In & Out

Friend: i think im a lesbian
Me: who likes dick?
Friend: yes lol
Me: okie dokie
Friend: there could be such thing
Me: probably
Friend: cause its all about what it comes down to emotionally
Friend: i feel like my hetero attraction to the boy im dating is just like...conditioned or something
Friend: like its not real
Me: i've def felt alll gay
Friend: right now?
Me: hah no i feel straight now
Friend: lol of course
Me: but it could be your lesbian pill
Friend: grr stupid lesbian pill
Me: well at least you're in a flexible position
Me: some ppl are so gay that a pill might not shift their orientation
Friend: lol im starting to think that its not the pill though
Me: it's your girl crush and her rainbow powers
Friend: LOL
Friend: that sounds like a lesbian fantasy. having powers to convert straight girls
Me: hah yes!
Me: at the end of the day, you can identify however you want for yourself
Friend: are you sure youre not lesbian
Friend: maybe you also go through the hetero motions
Friend: cause thats how youve been taught
Me: i think the motions apply to everyone
Friend: somewhat
Me: i do feel emotionally attached to my bf
Friend: but not as emotionally attached as you would to a woman maybe?
Me: probably not, no
Me: in spite of how nice he is to me and how hot i find him
Friend: i think like...for me, when a boy does something aw-worthy, i feel something but idk...when a girl i like does something, i feel something but it feels REAL. gah i am too confused
Friend: right, exactly. so that = lesbian
Friend: cause then youd be happier spending your life with a female
Me: maybe
Me: i'd rather end up with one
Me: but a preference for girls doesn't negate bisexuality
Friend: ok but what if you can only have crushes on guys, but you can never be in love with one
Me: i'd say i have loved guys
Friend: oh
Friend: well then i guess youre bi. im the lesbian
Me: but been head over heels IN love...still not always as strong as a girl
Me: i was pretty fucking crazy over the first girl i kissed
Friend: that was pretty lesbian of you
Me: lol yes
Friend: i just dont want to be lesbian
Me: fighting it makes it worse
Friend: so you are saying im lesbian?
Me: lol i don't know what you are
Me: but fighting whatever you are doesn't help
Friend: lol
Friend: great now im a lesbian
Me: you're 75% gay
Friend: are you serious
Me: i dunno! i'm trying to make you feel better
Me: so what if you are a lesbian?
Friend: omg you really think i am?
Me: LOL no
Friend: gah!
Me: i've always thought you were bi
Friend: so im bi. thats better
Me: if you are gay, it wouldn't be as bad as you think
Friend: dude. actually being in a committed relationship with someone of the same sex for the rest of your life would have so many social consequences
Friend: youd have to deal with homophobia on a regular basis
Me: it'd be hard, but it's manageable
Friend: i dont think it is
Me: depends on where u are
Friend: yeah but i live in a very liberal city
Friend: and i can still see the homophobia
Me: well the homophobia needs to challenged
Me: things wont change if u hide
Friend: true...but do you want to fight something for the rest of your life
Me: i know that's easier said than done
Me: life is always a battle with something
Friend: but gayness is the hardest
Friend: wow i feel so bad for gay people
Me: i'm sure there are harder things
Me: you have a stigma in your head
Me: there's some truth to it, but it's exaggerated.
Friend: fuck, maybe youre right. i have internalized homophobia
Me: and if u were a lesbian, you'd be a hot lesbian
Friend: yes and id end up with some butch because thats how most of them are
Me: no. oh god. chill
Friend: sorryyyy
Me: lol no need to apologize
Me: it was kinda amusing
Friend: hahaha
Me: "do you think i'm gay? you do don't you? just say it! i'm a raging bulldyke in the making!"
Friend: LMAO
Me: lol
Friend: thanks, i needed that laugh
Me: no problem.

Smack My Bitch Up

So the new boy and I were talking about the ways in which gays have it easier than straights. He said he was jealous of gay men because they can hit on each other in ways that would be offensive to a woman.

And he said that there's a stronger sense of community for queers. I told him that wasn't always true; gay people be just as catty and mean to their own kind as any other minority.

Then the conversation went something like this:

Him: But I feel bad for lesbians; they can't really fuck.
Me: Huh?
Him: Well, you know...unless they have a toy.
Me: That's a very heteronormative statement to make.
Him: Well can you say that sex would be the same if a guy never enters the girl?
Me: Well, no. But if that's what I wanted, then I would go to a guy. That's what guys are for.
Him: Okay, but there's a higher degree of intimacy.
Me: There are lesbians who do not like penetration at all.
Him: REALLY? Wow, I'm really learning here.

He had no frame of reference; the thought of a woman not wanting to have a penis in her vagina was so foreign to him. Silly boy.

The Way That We Live?

Friend: because we had had sex before, only with his girlfriend, who subsequently freaked out at me and accused me of trying to steal him
Friend: i am like "look you were the one exhorting me to get on his cock"
Me: wait you had a threesome?
Me: lol exhorting to get on cock
Friend: yeah, this was a few years ago
Friend: she was very aggressive but didn't seem into it
Friend: very obvs bi-in-front-of-my-bf
Friend: hate
Friend: but i went for it anyway cause they were both attractive and i thought wtf
Friend: the whole time she was like, evaluating my appearance
Friend: so i am like W T F
Me: sounds like a straight girl
Friend: lol +
Friend: so we doink, it's not bad but not great, and we all fall asleep
Me: lol doink
Friend: the next morning i get up, they make me breakfast, i shower, she climbs in with me and shotguns pot smoke into my mouth
Friend: and i'm like "hm"
Friend: i leave
Friend: as soon as i get home
Friend: there's this virulent email in my inbox
Friend: SHE WAS THE ONE WHO TOLD ME TO BLOW AND RIDE HIM
Friend: I HAD BEEN COMPLETELY COOL WITH THEIR DILDO
Me: hahahahah
Friend: W
Friend: T
Friend: F
Me: again. straight girl.
Friend: +
Friend: she didn't have anything bad to say about my oral, so nyeh
Me: sounds like the type i'd love to ream for mean reasons
Friend: hahaha +

Hmmm

The same friend I talked to in the previous post showed me this link. She gave me this paraphrase from the article:

Apparently women who are on the pill have a different perception of pheromones -- according to this study, they would be attracted to different men than what they usually would be attracted to, but maybe for people who are near the middle of the Kinsey scale, the preference could transfer to women. they are more attracted to smells that remind them of "home and kin" (similar to them).

Sliding Scale

Me: i feel so straight
Me: i forgot what it feels like
Friend: birth control pills are the way to go
Me: gah! i don't want to!
Friend: oh i have some new theories on that
Friend: remember how i said before that it makes you straight?
Friend: but now its not at all
Friend: i think that depends on which birth control pills you are on...cause some reduce testosterone and some increase estrogen, they all work in diff ways
Friend: so to be straight, go on diane-35
Friend: to be asexual/lesbian, go on yasmin. thats what im on now
Me: lol!
Me: no wonder you've been girl-crushing so much lately
Friend: LOL i know
Friend: thats my theory anyway
Me: that's very interesting tho
Me: the role of hormones for those who are somewhere in the middle on kinsey's scale
Friend: lets do a scientific study
Friend: and we'll become famous
Me: hah!
Friend: lol
Me: why are you on the gay pill?
Friend: meh, health reasons
Friend: no breeder reasons
Me: any other side effects?
Friend: i dont think so
Friend: just lesbianism and asexuality
Me: lol
Friend: thats why i have no interest in guys
Me: that'd be funny if they put that as a warning label on the box
Friend: LOL
Me: "side effects include lesbianism and asexuality"
Friend: hahahahahahaha
Friend: thatd be great
Me: i'm scared of the pill, but you have caught my interest
Friend: are you gonna take the gay one, or the straight one?
Me: i'd like to try the straight one
Friend: wow. straighty mcstraighterson
Me: well, you know it would be easier
Friend: haha yea
Friend: but even if you start taking them now, the heterosexuality wont kick in for a while
Me: lol
Me: in our world, sexual orientations are moods, side effects, and things that "kick in"