Because writing it out is fighting it out

So that's why I wasn't popular

2009-10-28T22:05:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be Xena for a Halloween party we're going to. Boy sorta convinced me. It's partly exciting to be my childhood hero, and it's partly nerve racking since I feel so strongly about her and can do a season-by-season critique of the series. Laaaame.

Me: I dunno if I want to be Xena for Halloween.
Boy: Why not?
Me: Because everyone has mocked me for liking her over the years. I dunno if I can share my love for her with a buncha strangers at a party. Plus I'm in the closet.
Boy: I doubt that anyone is going to be like, Ooh, look at that girl being Xena! I bet she's a queer!
Me: Noo! I'm in the Xena-loving closet.

Boy: Let's watch some Xena together.
Me: [whining] You can't understand my love for her! It's a retroactive passion! I grew up with a shitty mother figure! Xena is strong, smart, and kicks ass. Besides, we don't watch TV.
Boy: I'm sure I could at least appreciate what you see in her.
Me: Well, I have to warn you that my IQ drops like 20 points when I watch her.
Boy: I'm going to enjoy this. Plus you said there was eye candy.

Me: I don't like how there's some blonde modeling a Xena costume on this package. She wasn't blonde. And Xena didn't wear that much blush or wear lame boots like that.

Me: This costume comes with a cape. I won't be wearing it.
Boy: Why not?
Me: Xena didn't wear a cape, and she's above the cliche of wearing capes.
Boy: Your obsession is adorable.

Uh oh.

2009-10-21T19:02:00.001-07:00

1. Boy and I have been practicing cohabitation during this past week. It has been going well so far. I find myself enjoying doing domestic things with/for him: the dishes, cooking, taking out the trash. When the hell did this happen?

2. I am somewhat pleased to report that the sporty spice part of me is coming back in bits. I don't foresee myself being a gym whore with workout goals anytime soon. But it's certainly nice to whip a little ass on the basketball court and glide a frisbee around.

3. I am gaining weight. My love for dark chocolate is helping. I know that this is good; even I was starting to feel like I looked too much like someone from a third world country. I am eating more on purpose. But this doesn't mean that I'm doing what I really want to do. I'm just doing the right thing, because, well it's the right thing. I do not want the right thing.

I am coming to accept that I will always be playing a bit of a game with myself that bounces between scratching an old itch and being "normal." Luckily I am not putting my health at risk.

4. I am finding, more and more, that finding a female visually pleasing does not necessarily mean that I have any desire to touch her.

5. I wish I wasn't such a bitchy hypocrite about pudginess. A tiny bit of girl pudge is cute and tactile; a bit too much of girl pudge turns my head away. It's worse that I don't judge males as harshly. I feel like such a bot.

Lowered Expectations

2009-10-01T06:50:00.000-07:00

I haven't really hung out with my female friends much as of late. I could stand to not be in the presence of testosterone for an evening. Not that I don't enjoy being desired, and I am currently in a state of aching boyfriend withdrawal, but I sorta forgot what it's like to interact with people and not get groped.

I'm realizing that a part of me doesn't really want to try to find a girl to date. I feel like this is wrong; I should stop being afraid and try to experience different things. I'm young, my tits are still perky, and life is short. But, ugh, I feel like I don't have it in me. I suppose this would change if an amazing girl was in the picture. Then I'd have no choice because I don't say no to amazing people unless they repeatedly treat me like shit.

But amazing girls don't really fall into one's laps. At least they don't fall into mine. I'd have to look. Do I look casually or with some drive? Meh, it never hurts to keep your eyes open.

I need to remember that girls can be as mean as boys. We all expect men to be douchebags, particularly about sex. And they pretty much all are douchebags about sex at some point (to varying degrees). So the blows I've taken from boys have hurt less in a way because I hold them to a lower standard; I need to adopt this same standard for girls.

In some ways, I have the potential to romantically "have it all," but I can't help but be skeptical.

No.

2009-09-13T20:27:00.000-07:00

This evening I got a call from my best friend's boyfriend. I hadn't heard from her in a while, and she hadn't been responding to my calls/texts. I was starting to worry, but she does things like get busy with life and lose her cell phone charger, so it wasn't anything out of the ordinary.

But my gut instinct was correct: she tried to kill herself. My best fucking friend who I can say anything to. She's the first person I outed myself to way back in high school. I had so much respect for her in high school and prided myself on winning her over because she intimidated so many people. The friend that I've always been able to get support, insight, humor, and understanding from tried to say goodbye to existence forever.

I feel like a crappy friend. I feel like I shoulda been more keen and diligent about watching out for her. I knew she wasn't feeling terribly happy with her life, but I didn't think she would do something like this. We are, after all, mildly depressive people. But I shoulda seen through the her tough exterior.

I need to step it up and be a better friend. I need to give more.

Whore Thyself

2009-08-29T20:04:00.000-07:00

After months upon months of waiting and working, my life appears to be heading in the direction that I've been wanting it to.

I've noticed, however, that the buysness has left me with little time for myself and my personal pursuits. I've been spending the majority of my time attending to life's inevitable obligations, pleasing others, and getting bullied. It's been taking a toll.

Furthermore, it's gotten to a point where I'm falling into a pattern of being afraid to be assertive with anyone because the best way to keep the peace is to just give in regardless of how I feel.

Lame. This is unlike me, and it's a step backwards. When did I become so accepting of oppression? Sure, we all have to do things we don't 100% enjoy to survive and compromise, but this is starting to cross a line. I need to treat myself with more respect.

And, for the sake of comedic relief, I'll link to this clip (Shane and Alice's clothes, however, are embarrassing).

Sigh, I miss the joy of listening to a new Kelka podcast. I hope that day comes again soon.

Cutting to the Chase

2009-08-15T23:18:00.001-07:00

1. I used to be sporty spice. Now I'm a scrawny, whiny pansy. The thought of working out in a serious way sounds sort of...foreign. I used to love being athletic, and I find athleticism/physical fitness to be a turn-on in both boys and girls. I used to want to compete with guys in gym class and prove that I wasn't just some pushover girl. Now I'm content to just be the weak one.

2. The most acceptable thing your boyfriend can whine about is wanting to lick your clit more. I am one lucky bitch. And any woman who complains that men suck at eating pussy is either 1) a bitter, man-hating lesbian or 2) a bitter straight woman who is with a non-GGG partner.

3. For a while I didn't think I could love a boy as much as I currently love my own. I kinda got locked into the idea that the love between two people of the same sex would be inherently more intense and understanding, even though I've only really been pursuing guys for the past few years now. But now I really see that the gender of the person doesn't matter; a connection is a connection.

4. I'm going to be honest and admit that unintentionally losing 15 lbs and weighing less than what I weighed in high school has me slipping back into old patterns of obsessing over what I eat. I am not out of control by any means, and I have people who've got my back. But there is a danger in losing the taste for things like candy, bread, pasta, etc. There is a danger in "seeing the light" and realizing that these foods are nutritionally unneccessary.

5. I know it's about the desire for control during stressful times. But I also hate having a [predominately] female mental issue. I'm going to have to make a point to bring my mind and body back to a state of balance that appeases both my desire for discipline and my desire for joy.

All Apologies

2009-08-08T21:13:00.000-07:00

So I'm in my mid to late twenties. Most of my friends are too. I've been hearing more and more of them say things like, "I thought I would be further along in my life now," or "I feel behind" I've been noticing a lot of feelings of inadequacy over not making enough money, not owning property, or not being in the ideal relationship.

It's kind of depressing. Not only because the people I care about feel dissatisfied with their lives, but because I'm not sure having all of these things is going to guarantee peace of mind/fulfillment. And what happens to one's sense of self when these things disappear/are threatened?

I feel like people want things like marriage and a certain career more for the status these things display than for the enjoyment they bring. I'm definitely not anti-ambition, and I can see myself being married (and even having kids!) if it was right. But it feels like these goals are a bandwagon, and it's a bit of a downer.

No, I'm not going to try to preach that you are the all singing, all dancing crap of the world.

But when I'm really honest with myself, I can't see myself being anything beyond my state of mind in this moment. Life is a series of moments, and I'm afraid of looking back on my life and not appreciating what each moment had to offer.

The irony is that I've been an anxious insomniac with a knot-ridden back. Turning off my mind, relaxing, and floating downstream has been proving to be difficult for me as of late. And I think the source of this anxiety is the desire to push my life forward and achieve some long overdue goals. Maybe this is just imprinted in the human condition.

I can't speak for others, but I suppose I will always be trying to find balance between appreciating and supplicating.

Grin

2009-08-05T20:15:00.000-07:00

Since I've been bitchy, I figured I'd share that I finally made the effort to make conversation with Cute Health Food Store Girl. We had some nerdy nutrition talk for about 45 seconds. Sadly, this is a milestone for me.

She's cute. She has a cute smile and a cute voice. She smiled at me. And she looks like she has soft skin. We're soo gonna run away together.

Well, I don't really want that, but it is nice to actually feel this way about a girl. It's been quite a while.

So, if I can use some advanced sleuthing skills to figure out her name (by, you know, asking her), I will actually not feel like a big wuss.

Ooh! And my best friend and I have decided we should go to a gay girl bar together. In spite of her confidence and charisma, girls turn her in an awkward pubescent boy too. We'll take turns taking initiative.

Yay for progress, even if it's in the form of baby steps.

Mini Rants

2009-07-28T06:54:00.000-07:00

My moodiness is subsiding somewhat. But still...

I do not like the whole concept of there being a size 0. It sends a destructive messsage. The smallest size should be either a 1 or 2, depending on if the store goes by even or odd numbers. I'm no mathematician, but it should be a number that has a value to it.

I'm also tired of being around stereotypical female insecurity. Luckily I only get the occasional dose of it now. I know it's a part of being human, but it's been annoying me lately. Just, fucking stop comparing yourself to the people you think you Should be like! Stop acting how you think you Should act! Just be yourself. As much you can. Because we're all deriviative in some way anyways.

I finally realized that I do not always equate prettiness with beauty; in fact I mostly equate prettiness with boringness. (This, however, does not mean that I find ugliness attractive). This makes me even more picky. I'm picky about everything: who I spend my time with, what I eat, and now who I jones for.

Blah, I dunno why I've suddenly become so militant again. I need to chill.

Bitchiness Overload

2009-07-25T11:37:00.000-07:00

My current emotional state embodies all of the worst in a stereotypical female: bitchy, spoiled, insecure, weak, reactive, etc. My stomach is growling on a timer, I want to make dark chocolate a food group, and I feel ready to verbally eviscerate the next person who even remotely tests my patience--regardless of if they mean well or not. And the next inanimate object that doesn't obey my will could stand to get bruised from my my arm violently introducing it to the floor.

This is not me. I am not usually like this. I do not like being this way; I like being calm and in control. I generally like to choose to be logical, even if I am angry. I've been told I can be even too logical at times. I would prefer this to being an emotional lava lamp. I guess I'm just going to have to work harder to be myself, or rather, how I perceive myself to be.

Carrying this mood around when you're looking for clothes isn't a good idea. It's sort of the opposite of shopping while you're famished. I kept walking around the store thinking of how much I hate straight people/gay men. I of course did not buy anything.

Shopping for clothes can feel like work: you have to find something you like, something that fits, and something that you can afford. I do think that finding an article of clothing that meets all these criteria is quite satisfying, but the work required to reach this state can be tedious. Especially if you're poor and picky like me.

Furthermore, I'm always playing this little tug 0' war in my head. I don't want to buy anything too irritatingly girly that makes me feel like I'm wearing some costume on my body. I'm a fan of combining lines and angles with curves as opposed to building a tower of frill that feels an unnatural growth.

On the same token, I've also evolved from having an adolescent, baggy, hoodie-centric sense of fashion. I may want to attack Ellen Page with my lips, but I certainly don't want to dress like Juno. So it's a balancing act, as usual.

I think I'm feeling disillusioned with being a [queer] woman at the moment. With all of the female-specific bullshit we have to do and put up with. I could make a list, but I don't think there's anything novel on it. I guess I just needed to bitch so I could get over it and move on.

Incongruous

2009-07-22T07:55:00.000-07:00

I really miss KC and Elka all of a sudden. I got used to their absence, but I realized that the amount of gayness in my life has shrunken to an iota, and I will be an active participant in shrinking it further. And I don't mean sex wise. Maybe a part of me wanted it that way, but I feel like I'm neglecting that part of myself.

And all my bi friends, like me, are seeing men. Of course, you can be queer and straight. But, goddamnit, it'd be nice to have more gay friends. Perhaps when I have more time, I can work on this while trying to find a girlfriend.

I'm just going to forego manners for a moment and be bitchy and dramatic: straight people can be annoyingly boring and cliche. Their sense of beauty, fashion, roleplay, etc. gets on my nerves after a while. And they don't have to see how programmed they are because they have most of the power. I wish I could fully fit in that way.

I need to work up the courage to make conversation with Cute Health Foods Store Girl.

I need to get used to feeling incongruous.

The Best Policy

2009-07-11T08:07:00.000-07:00

There is a lot of new and renewing love in my life right now. Several opposing parties are reconciling, my friends kick ass, and my boyfriend and I still don't really do things like watch movies because we're so into each other's lips. I'm really lucky to have all of this.

However, I feel conflicted between the desire to make other people happy/be what they want me to be and the desire to simply be myself. Lately, the former desire has felt right for the most part. I feel somewhat less militant about asserting who I perceive myself to be, and I'm happy to please those I care about. But I don't want to turn into a puppet.

I see myself first as a person, and I just happen to be in the body of a female. If one removed the (mostly socialized) pansy, girly behaviors, I could just as easily be the same person in a male's body. I would also still be bisexual. I think many people's identities are inextricably linked to their sex; I don't think I'm one of those people.

However, I never wanted to be a boy (although I think that aside from being expected to make more money and be emotionally sturdy, males have it easier). But I did not enjoy growing up being constantly compared to other girls and having all of the ways in which I don't measure up be shoved in my face. I have made significant strides in getting over all of that, but I suddenly remembered how that sentiment will always sting a little.

I have mostly accepted the fact that when you interact with others, you will rarely get the chance to be yourself 100% of the time. I'm not sure if this is good because it's practical or bad because I'm "selling out."

I also think I have accepted the fact that while being queer is more okay than it used to be, it will always be the minority. The subjective idea of beauty will mostly be in the hands of those who do not appreciate gray.

The desire to not feel conflicted with oneself and with society is a powerful motivator. People who do drastic things to their bodies (e.g. taking hormones and getting sex change surgeries) are really chasing after that sense of congruity and coherence that non-queers take for granted.

I'm glad I don't feel the need to do anything that drastic; I just need to regard compromise and the occasional lie means to a greater end.

Transitional Phase

2009-07-02T18:10:00.001-07:00

I haven't been much of a blogger lately. My life has been becoming less about thinking/writing and more about doing. Furthermore, I think I've analyzed most of the queer-related topics that are of concern to me. And while I will always identify as a purse-hating gay girl who gets nervous around girls with mohawks who work at health food stores, I think I've entered a different phase:

I kinda hate The L Word.

I think Shane/Katherine Moennig is hot, but too skinny. And all that smoking is starting to catch up to her.

KC and Elka are...?

I'm in love with a boy.

Consequently, I will be blogging more here about whatever comes to mind.

Free Agent

2009-06-28T19:48:00.001-07:00

Boy and I have been together for a little over five months now, and he only recently started to tell his [male] friends that I play for both teams. He didn't want to be that guy (even though he does have some of that stereotypical male in him). I find this endearing.

There are some advantages to dating a boy when you're bi:

1) You get advice on how to hit on/approach/move things forward with girls.
2) You get to objectify women together (I can be a bit bashful about this).
3) You are more likely to be allowed to chase girls. I wonder how many lesbians would be cool with letting their girlfriends pursue men.

However, you sorta become the bisexual female cliche. Meh, whatever.

In other odd news...

Boy: It may inform you to know that I touched pussy before I touched boobs.
Me: Huh? Really?
Boy: Yup.
Me: [Thinks about it]...That's weird!
Boy: Yeah, it kinda is.
Me: Pussy first? But everybody loves boobs! Cept gay men.
Boy: They're missing out.
Me: I still can't get over that. Boobs come first! They're boobs!

Later on...

Boy: [jokingly]I'm kinda like a lesbian trapped in a man's body.
Me: [laughs hard] How so?
Boy: I'm just all about the pussy. Even straight guys kinda like to look at cock in porn. I don't have that.
Me: You truly are 100% heterosexual. Most people have at least 1 or 2% gay in them.
Boy: Yeah, I guess I'm just stuck with using this dick here. Can't argue with nature.
Me: Sure you can.
Boy: What's the point? Gotta work with what you have.
Me: True. Well, I accept your trapped inner lesbian too.

Hmm, maybe I should make him a mix of Tegan and Sara, Le Tigre, and Riot Grrl music to welcome him to the club.

"And that's why ya don't kiss straight girls."

2009-06-21T11:42:00.000-07:00

If only there was that one-armed guy from Arrested Development to teach me this lesson. For some reason, I didn't want to write about my first experience with a girl here. I figured it was a bit too complicated, and I didn't want to be a drama queen. But this is the place to write about complexities, and I'm over it now. So here goes.

As with any other remotely intelligible thing I write, the objective of this post is to 1) explore the grey areas of sexuality, 2) attempt to write about something complex and significant with a degree of objectivity, and 3) to question the actions of the involved parties.

My first experience with a girl didn't go over so well for either of us. It put a huge dent in a friendship that had a lot of potential.

Here's a cliche: the first girl I kissed was my best friend and roommate in college. We had a unique chemistry that is hard to explain. We were sorta opposites and sorta the same person all at the same time. We could make simple things like going grocery shopping feel like an amusing adventure. We could have satisfying intellectually conversations and be silly as hell. We could peacefully co-exist and still find the other person fun to be around.

Here's another cliche: we had a lot of great things in common (e.g. athleticism, a love for nerdy movies, etc). One of the not-so-great things we had in common was the fact that we both dabbled in the world obsessing over how much you weigh and eat. We both had issues prior to meeting each other, and when we started to bond over this perverted commonality, we fed into each other's unhealthiness.

Here's the last cliche: we were drunk during all of our little explorations of the XX + XX equation. I didn't take it so well when I discovered that her "solution" was straight and mine wasn't.

As a friend, I loved her lots. The option of seeing her as more than a friend didn't occur to me until we started drinking together and getting progressively more touchy feely as time went on. When the option did occur to me, I really wanted it and looked for opportunities to get drunk with her. What can I say? I was young and stupid.

When we finally just had a big makeout session like a year later, I had a big internal woohoo! moment. I was pretty ecstatic for a few days until I inferred that it was only a curious exploration to her, and she wasn't likely to return the feelings I had for her. It bummed me out, but I eventually came to accept that this would not happen again.

But then it did. With more intensity a few months later. I was high as a mothafucking kite until she flat out said that we won't be doing anything physical anymore. I completely sunk when I heard this.

To be fair, we didn't communicate very well. I didn't express how I felt to her. Even though she was more of the initiator, she didn't intend to lead me on and reject me (although it felt like it at the time). I made a point to keep my feelings hidden because I couldn't deal with them, I was afraid of putting myself out there, and I knew that she was probably straight.

On top of all this, I didn't yet realize that one reason why I developed an eating disorder in the first place was to avoid admitting to being a queer. So for me to fall first for a straight girl with an eating disorder hit several nerves I wasn't fully aware of. Furthermore, we were at different points in the "admitting you have a problem" department, and this created another rift between us.

I resented her for not returning my feelings and for encouraging my self-destruction. I also took a few slightly homophobic remarks she said to heart. She resented me for being cold and passive-aggressive.

We tried to patch things up before she would have to move across the country after graduating, but I could never bring myself to explicitly tell her all that was bothering me. I partly didn't see the point in telling a straight girl that I was in love with her. When she left, I was drenched in a bitter little cocktail composed of one part anger, one part loss, and one part vindictiveness.

There were many months of fights, passive-aggressiveness, and unfriendly silence. We missed each other, but we both let the negativity fester. We eventually de-briefed these confusing incidents a few years later. She said she didn't entirely know what brought them on. I told her that I felt like a used experiment to her.

She admitted to being a bit on the bi-curious side, but she said she didn't want to know what it was like to kiss a girl; she wanted to know what it was like to kiss me. And while she loved me, she wasn't attracted to me.

Guh? Okay, the only reason this makes the remotest of sense in my mind is because I know this girl and it kinda clicks in my head because I know the rapport we had. I am also generally accepting of the spectrum of emotions that can fuel the varying levels of affection we want to show.

I hate to cite this, but it sorta reminds me of Claire and Edie in Six Feet Under. I wasn't a fan of Mena Suvari playing that role, but it was a similar situation. The two had an aesthetic appreciation of the other as a person, but it wasn't sexual. And I have to say that my feelings for her weren't predominately sexual either, but I didn't want to be strictly platonic either. Yet another annoying gray area.

So she wanted to express her intense platonic love for me with her lips and wandering hands (she described it as "lusting after me emotionally/spiritually"). Again, this transubstantiation of sorts sorta makes sense and sorta doesn't. Regardless, I accepted what she said, and we moved on. We both felt refreshed and grudge-free. It was great.

But then she got pregnant shortly after getting married. It dawned on me that this person lives across the country from me, is married, and will become a mother. I didn't see myself fitting into the picture. Our long distance friendship was pretty unsatisfying, and I felt rather disconnected from the phase of life she was entering. I was so tired of missing her and being locked in an aggravating state of limbo.

Eventually, I picked a fight with her, went out of my way to push her buttons, and we exchanged some mean words. That was the last fight. For real. All of the nastiness made it easier to say goodbye and just let go. While I was mad for a while, I found it easier to free myself from feeling hostile towards her.

I occasionally wonder if I did the right thing or if I was drawing one too many imaginary lines in my head. Did I really have to see her pending motherhood as such a threat? Was I allowing my own personal issues with parenting to color my perspective? Could we have made a long distance friendship work somehow?

I don't know for sure. I do know that I feel better after emotionally separating myself from her. I'm pretty sure she feels the same way. Do I wish things had turned out differently? Definitely. But it was time to move on, and I realized that I was wasting emotional energy pining over re-creating "the good ol' days" with her.

But some people simply become a part of you, whether you want them to or not. I'm not sure how she and I managed to establish such an intense connection that is difficult to forget. When things were good, I loved how we seemed to really understand each other and tried to respect each other's differences. And we didn't completely give up on trying to work through our problems.

I may not talk to her anymore, and I am not likely to see her again, but she probably will always be someone that I think about and remember fondly.

So the lessons I learned from this experience are as follows:

1) Don't kiss straight girls unless you are confident that they are at least bisexual or that you have the great powers of converting.

2) Don't do the whole wahhh I don't wanna be gay so I'm gonna self-destruct and/or live in shameful denial bullshit. It's a big waste of time. Accept yourself as a freak like everyone else and move the fuck on.

3) Don't have an eating disorder. It's stupid. I'm proud to say that I'm done with all of that crap after many years of hard work.

4) Communicate with more directness and don't rely on booze.

5) If you are romantically/physically interested in a friend, you should give serious consideration to whether you are willing to risk losing that friendship for the sake of taking things to the next level. There are some people that you just don't want to lose.

Angry

2009-06-06T13:48:00.000-07:00

I hate living in my body. I have spent a good portion of my life working my ass off to earn priviliges that almost everyone around me takes for granted. It feels like I'm always teetering between -1 and 0. Blah, forget about all of the gender dissociation bullshit. To me, all that stuff seems whiny and self-absorbed now.

Right now, I feel like the next person who complains to me about some superficial dissatisfaction with the skin they're in (looks, weight, cup size, muscle mass) is going to be verbally assualted.

Ironically, I have a healthy appreciation of my own aesthetics. If only being thin, curvy, and proportional solved all of your problems like all of those ads directly and indirectly say. I used to think my body didn't reflect who I am, but now I think the opposite.

But it's like living in a house built by Frank Lloyd Wright: it looks good, but it's a bitch to maintain and starts to fall apart sooner.

This week has ranged from awful crazy to awesome crazy. I'm so in love. I'm so trapped. I'm racking my brain trying to figure out solutions. I realized how awesome it is to know amazing people that I value and can call up for support, advice, laughs, hugs, etc. I need to appreciate what I have.

I am not my limitations though. I need to remember that. I am how I deal with them/what I learn from them. It's what you think and do that ultimately matters.

List

2009-06-01T18:05:00.000-07:00

Physically, I have not been feeling well today. This past week has also presented its share of challenges. I'm trying to not feel discouraged and overwhelmed.

So, I want to make a list of things I'm pleased with:

The delicious avocado and 87% cocoa dark chocolate bar that I scarfed down today. Mmmm.

The laughs I had with my best friend today.

My growing culinary talents.

The interactions between various parts of my body and my boyfriend's mouth.

My boyfriend's willingness to patiently stick by me through a rough patch that affects us both.

The fact that I made a few cute girls laugh in the past week. This alone is gratifying even if nothing comes of it.

The fact that boy keeps a fresh stock of Listerine for me at his place.

The fact that KC and Elka still make me laugh out loud at jokes that I've already heard several times before.

Gulp

2009-05-31T17:13:00.000-07:00

I've rather proudly held the title of Blowjob Queen for several years now. Most of my friends know this, and one of my ex's still manages to throw in the occasional joke about it from time to time. Every dude whose dick has been in my mouth has given me accolades on my performance, and this further reinforces the enjoyment I already derive from the act.

Furthermore, I'm quite lucky to be dating the most enthusiastic, persistent, and talented pussy munchers I have ever been with. He's even bossy about it: ohmigod, pleeaase stick that pussy in my face because I NEED it.

In many ways, this is a sexual match made in heaven. We both have strong oral fixations coupled with hard-earned talents. There's just one problem: he is more into imbibing female fluids than I am into male fluids. Considering my enthusiasm for cocksuckery, he finds this baffling; I find it normal.

I wish I felt the same way he does; I feel guilty that I don't. And I don't know how to fake it. Dan Savage would probably scold me. I'm all about being GGG, and I've done things out of my comfort zone. But I'm not sure what to do about this one.

The only explanation I have is the fact I was randomly exposed to porn at a relatively young age (10, 11'ish). I've probably seen a bit too much male-oriented stuff, and I think seeing one too many messy endings with the girl obviously pretending to be into it created a turn-off. If porn creates and reinforces turn-on's, then it can do the same for turn-off's.

Or is this just the lesbian in me drawing the line? Perhaps that's too convenient of an excuse for someone with a dual identity. I don't know. Either way, some compromises are in order.

Bitchy

2009-05-27T18:39:00.001-07:00

I had some issues with the whole idea of a threesome that I discussed with boyfriend. I kind of let the bitchy lesbian in me come out for a few minutes. I voiced how I'm not terribly into the idea of being with a girl as means to the end of turning on a guy.

Like, lesbians exist for pleasing each other. It's sort of an anti-cock act (at least in my mind), and having it be something to do for a guy's pleasure just screams cock always wins in the end to me.

His response was that this goal is most certainly not all about him, and he was aiming for everyone to benefit (both emotionally and physically) from this situation. He had stated all of this to me before, and he is quite the reciprocal, talented, patient, and orally-fixated lover (I really hit the jackpot in this department). But I still had to let the raging dyke in me say her piece. And I feel better.

On a related note, I tried to use youtube for scratching my itch for Xena. I figured it was easier and more dignified than digging out my tapes from, er, 10 years ago. And most of the results are of Xena and Gabrielle kissing.

Of course. The truth is that both characters were bisexual. And they actually did shit besides each other. Like unrealistically kick a profuse amount of ass and change history while prancing around in skimpy outfits. Jeez. What a buncha perverts.

In my experience, straightness generally does win in the end. Deep down, this still hurts a soft spot in me. Ironically, however, my own actions prove this point: I'm in a heterosexual relationship, and I'm generally happier when I'm into guys and more in touch with my feminine side. If you can't beat em', join em'? Does it have to be a competition?

But I find my own hypocrisy bothersome on some level. Consequently, I find little ways to blow off steam about it (e.g. stating how icky I find purses to be, recoiling at being described as "straight," etc.)

I can't say I feel distressed or divided about this as much as I used to though. Partly because I have more pressing things to be concerned with. And few people are one-sided and free of contradictions. And the people who are could probably best be described as "boring." So I'm happy to ride this dichotomy for as long as it wants.

Disappearing Act

2009-05-23T18:21:00.000-07:00

I've been having Xena cravings lately. I keep trying to deny them, but they won't go away. She's so strong, and watching her is regressively theraputic and inspiring. It appeals to the archetypical desire for a hero one can identify with.

I want to be stronger than I am. Mentally more so than physically (although it's kind of sad that I need boyfriend to open cans for me). I'm realizing that, while I have come so far in building up psychological strength, I still have so much more growing that I want and simply need to do. I need to internally subert all external attempts to make me an unhappy, brainwashed pawn. I need to develop more constructive thinking patterns.

I feel like I'm disappearing both physically and mentally. I spend too much time catering to others. I'm tired of having other people's voices in my head telling me what to do, what to like, and how to present myself. I just want to relax and be without worrying about keeping up appearances for some other trying to use me for something.

I also found out that I weigh the least I have ever weighed as an adult. I didn't even notice until the numbers made it undeniably clear. I guess life has been too consuming for me to tune into such a drastic change in my own place of residence.

Something's gotta give. I'm the only one who can make it happen. I may never be able to go through life without being punished for everything, and I may not have much time for all the things I want to do. But I'll be damned if I let this crap make me mentally stagnate into a reactionary victim.

Locked

2009-05-15T15:30:00.000-07:00

One: I'm starting to feel the desire for female affection come back. I knew it would return. I'm lucky to be with someone that I can talk about it with.

Two: Boyfriend was saying how, as a male, it can get tiring to always be the one on the offensive. When he said that, I made a mental note to try to be more of an initiator. But even when I want to be more aggressive, I find myself a bit frozen, and I hold back.

I'm not like this 100% of the time, and I've had several instances of attacking various people, but it's sort of a default for me to be passive. I'm discovering it's harder to shake than I expected. Stupid unconsciously acquired gender roles.

Three: I want to fuck this singer's voice, as Dan Savage would say.

Four: In this post, I was complaining about some gross blonde chick working at the health foods store I frequent. Well now there's a super cute one working there. Translation: I'm afraid of making eye contact with her. She pulls off this sexy semi mohawk without looking obnoxiously punk'ish or stereotypical. I wanna play with it.

Five: Wahhhh! I'm shy! Wahhh! I'm used to be chased rather than doing the chasing.

Six: Health foods store that I freqent is hiring. Perhaps this is a second chance.

"Stop listening to the static."

2009-05-11T11:26:00.000-07:00

I could easily whip up another analyzing gender identity-typa post in 30 minutes tops, but I'm not feeling it.

The importance of mental clarity has been dawning on me quite clearly these past few weeks. I may be a nutrition nut, but I'm really seeing how unhealthy it can be to allow some greasy thinking patterns to clog the walls of my consciousness.

I could be on a vegan diet free of gluten, sugar, and most allergens, but if I'm thinking crap, then I might as well be eating McDonald's three times a day.

This week I remembered what it feels like to truly hate someone. They were going out of their way to intentionally attack me and all of the hard work I've put into [successfully] reaching several challenging personal goals. I rarely feel this emotion in a serious way. I can usually muster up some compassion for the people who aggravate me; I don't even hate any of the few people on my "Dead to Me" list. I make the effort to see the gray areas with people.

But I keep feeling overpowered by a pure, black hatred. I find myself hoping that they will leave existence Forever. I guess we all have our thresholds.

Many people who claim to love you really just need you to be something that you're not. They need you to be what they want, and they often claim that their happiness is dependent upon you changing to meet their impossible fantasies. It's very rare to find someone who wants you to be you all the time.

Furthermore, they will impose the opaque image they have already drawn up of me directly over the reality of me; it is largely independent of what I do. So while it might be difficult to be misunderstood, it is pointless to try to be understood.

In spite of how trapped and discouraged I feel, I can't let things bother me so much. I am what I think; I am how I react. I need to make my mind my own work of art that I work on every waking minute of the day. Because it's my mind, and no one else and no other external circumstance has the right to infiltrate it without my permission.

Blah

2009-04-30T07:29:00.000-07:00

1. In the name of contributing to others' happiness and peace of mind, I've mostly been subscribing to giving into what other people want of me. It's good that I'm being compromising, but I've noticed that I've been allowing others' expectations of me influence my behavior more than I should. I can't let others' truth (created by my lies) become my own truth.

2. I've been saving up excessive Kelka and Savage Love listening for a lonesome, rainy day.

3. The last time I listened to Savage Love, there was a call from a lesbian-identified woman who is in a loving, sexual relationship with a man. While I'm cool with people identifying themselves however they want to (e.g. you don't need to penis/vagina to identify as a man/woman), that woman also seems like she's exercising some denial. Why can't she just say she's bi? I guess I can't talk: I feel like identifying as gay/queer is more accurate than identifying as straight.

4. I've only really realized that I'm relatively short (5'3") within the past year. I'm not sure why this is. Maybe it's because of my former life as sporty spice: I could jump pretty high and hit most of my shots on the basketball court in my whippersnapper days. Boy is 7 inches taller than me, and I only notice it when we're in front of the mirror. Everyone that I've liked or been with has been taller than me; I wonder if I'd get all butch and overcompensating if I dated a girl shorter than me.

5. Boy and I clarified some topics regarding his threesome fantasy: he's cool with my being selfish and going solo for a while, but that the ideal would be for me to have a girlfriend and for him to get some threesomes out of it. It amused me when he indignantly asserted, "I don't want two girlfriends!"

6. Yeah, me neither. It most certainly is possible to be a misogynistic woman who is attracted to women.

7. On a similar note, does the fact that I sometimes get turned on by my own body make me a narcissist?

Assessment

2009-04-24T17:49:00.001-07:00

If only there was more time for blogging and self-expression. Here are some things I've recently noticed:

1: Collared shirts on girls are a turn on.

2: It takes a lot for me to really like a girl and to fully want her. I check people out all the time, but it's been a long time since I've noticed or known a girl that is that ideal blend of femininity and masculinity that really sincerely moves all of me.

2.5: I feel like my tastes are always changing. Prettiness, while nice to look at, is becoming more and more boring, and I need some physical character to really feel like I want to touch someone.

3: I feel trapped by my body almost all the time, but it's not really in a gender identity disordered sort of way. I'm partly used to it, and I partly feel like this feeling has lodged itself in me. I'm not sure if I'll ever completely extract this subdermal layer of frustration. I need to give paradigm-shifting another try; we can only really change our minds. I was pretty fucking carefree a while back.

4. I've been letting my small, inner housewife out a bit lately: I'm finding satisfaction in cooking for myself and others. It's gratifying to create something from scratch and to crave its taste. It's also gratifying to bring joy to those you care about with what you've made.

Small World

2009-04-13T05:48:00.000-07:00

I had a somewhat out of the ordinary weekend. First of all, boy and I ended up going to a concert. We both had friends who were going there too. I needed to take a break to sit down, so I found the closest table, and there was a some what familiar-looking chick sitting there.

I asked her if I could sit, and she said yes. I was trying to figure out where I had seen her before, so I tried to subtley eye her. Then another chick walked up to the table, and I recognized her almost immediately: she used to read a different version of this blog, made a few comments, and added me on facebook a few months after we exchanged some e-mails.

Me: You're [ blog name]
Her: *surprised and off put
Me: I used to be [blog name] on livejournal
Her: Wow!

We proceeded to chat a bit about some things I had written about bisexuality and now amusing this coincidence was. She also introduced me to her girlfriend (whose familiarity can be credited to facebook).

Yeah. Small fucking world.

Sunday turned out to be platonically homoerotic. I was planning on getting work done, but I jumped at the opportunity to hang out with my best friend and her new boyfriend (she lives a few minutes away and I rarely see her). I wasn't planning on staying for too long, but one hour turned into five.

Best friend is quite happy to be in a Dom/sub relationship. It was amusing and interesting to witness how happy she was over being controlled in a consentual manner by someone who knows what they're doing.

She gave one of those massages that reduced me to a moaning, pleading porn star. I felt like she made my shoulders come, and I felt that post-orgasm feeling of being a lazy, unintelligible lump of mush.

But hey, I believe in reciprocity. And I returned the favor. When she disobeyed her boyfriend [Lord], he mandated a punishment that I was unexpectedly down with administering: he handed me a huge paddle and asked me if I would slap her ass with it.

Yeah, there's really nothing like bending your best friend over the couch, lifting her skirt, and inflicting some pain on her. It's not as easy as it sounds either; you dont want to hurt someone too much. And hitting the right part of someone's ass takes some practice.

It wasn't a sexual turn-on, but it was definitely fun. I got a little giddy when this option was presented to me.

Yep. Small fucking world.

Moments

2009-04-12T11:05:00.000-07:00

Me: *whips out Slim Clip*
Boy: Nice purse.
Me [indignantly]: It's an anti-purse!

Me: I need to get something from my purse. Uh, I mean my girly bag.

Boy: We need to find some tits for you to play with.

Me: Yeah, I'm not terribly interested in meeting people online at the moment.
Boy: [silent]
Me: You're thinking I should advertise for a girl, aren't you?
Boy: Maybe.

RIP?

2009-04-08T07:23:00.001-07:00

Sigh. I don't know about this blog anymore. I've been writing in it on and off for over two years now. I feel like I've put most queer topics of interest under the microscope.

And Kelka will be posting their last few podcasts sometime in the near future. The final goodbye is getting closer. It's pretty fucking sad.

So is the fact that I didn't even have the desire to watch the very last hour of The L Word. The first half of the finale was pretty crappy. I don't want to waste more time on an insult to the art of television.

Lastly, I don't find Shane as hot and charismatic as she used to be. I feel like this is a sign.

I feel like I should keep blogging, but I'm not sure if it should be here. This is a GAY blog. Can I write, gasp, non-gay stuff here? I could to prove that I don't mentally compartmentalize everything. But if I feel the need to prove it, then that probably means that my case is weak.

Maybe I'll give it a try.

Only Passing By?

2009-03-22T20:01:00.000-07:00

This song is coming to mind.

It's really not difficult for a bisexual female to find a guy who is more than happy to encourage her to go fuck a girl or few.

I've been feeling like a happily monogamous straight girl for the past two months. And I got permission (which I didn't ask for) to chase girls. I get to do whatever I want with a chick and come back to him to give a [very detailed] report.

Furthermore, he thinks it'd be even better if I found someone that I like both physically and emotionally. And, as one might expect, boy is hoping to get a threesome out of it eventually. A threesome in which all parties really like one another.

It's a complex goal to achieve, and there would have to be a lot of communication and negotiation for it run smoothly and be enjoyable for everyone.

But I ended up learning more that I expected to from this formulaic conversation. I haven't had the most pleasant of experiences with girls. He's noticed how I have an almost misogynistic view of them. And in a way, I've given up exploring that side of myself.

So while he admits he wants the stereotypical male fantasy that men are programmed to want (the shyness he exuded while confessing it was too adorable), he also wants to see me have some pleasant experiences with girls. He reminded me that this possibility exists. Somewhere along the line, I stopped even thinking about it.

Maybe it's because I've always found it easier to be a monosexual, and it's obviously easier to be a straight monosexual than a gay one. And, for whatever reasons, I have a thicker skin when it comes to stereotypical male meanness.

It then dawned on me that I've gotten used to believing that I don't deserve what I want. It's not a low self-esteem thing. It's a "this is simply not my lot in life" thing. I've had one too many humbling experiences this past year that have shown me how I'm really just a small, destructible girl with a big head.

And to have a loved one pick up on some of that and point it out to you is kind of like being invited back into playing the game that is life.

I got boyfriend to listen to a few Dan Savage podcasts, and Dan said something that resonated with him: your partner should be making shit happen for you. I guess I've only been with a few people who really had an interest in doing justice to this idea. And now that someone like that is right in front of me, it feels foreign.

I want so badly to be as GGG as I possibly can. I have no idea what will happen or if this fantasy will be realized. We're not looking to jump into anything at this point. I do know that I'm happy with who I am with, and I need to stop shortchanging myself.

At this point, however, I'm almost afraid of kissing anybody else because I know that it won't be as amazing as kissing my boy is.

Bursting at the seams

2009-03-14T14:12:00.000-07:00

I've never really been the type of girl who wished her boobs were different. I did go through an andro-obsessive phase in which I wanted them to be smaller, but then I saw how pointless that was since I wasn't going to try to change them via weight loss or surgery.

I pretty much jump at any opportunity I can to wear as little as I can when it comes to tops. If it's warm enough, I'm content to walk around the house in shorts and a bra.

And about a month ago I stopped packing a shirt to sleep in when I spend the night with boy. There's really no point to my wearing a shirt, and I like easy access. I find it liberating.

On the other hand, when I'm stressed out or feel like I'm being threatened by something, I love my vests. They make me feel warm and safe. There's something almost inexplicably gratifying in how they make my chest look more flat. It's a different, asexual sort of freedom, and it feels soo good sometimes.

It kind of reminds me of the lyrics to this song.

Queen

2009-03-12T09:04:00.000-07:00

I do not like the word "cocksucker." It's generally used to insult men; this gives it a homophobic implication.

Furthermore, I am a cocksucker. An enthusiastic one. This is in spite of the accuracy of this statement (courtesty of Samantha Jones):

You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothin'.

I'll always love me some Sex and the City.

Boy told me I should use it to take ownership of this insulting word. Kind of like how Dan Savage encouraged people to begin their letters to him with a "Hey Faggot!" This way the word becomes less offensive.

So, I signed out of an e-mail to him with the words, "Your cocksucker, [Name].

It's small, but it's something.

Lip Love

2009-03-11T06:01:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've been mopey and ungrateful, so I want to write about something that I'm lucky to have.

As a general rule of thumb, I've noticed that men see kissing as means to an end. Sure, they can enjoy and value it, but at some point, they want to fuck. This applies to women too. Let's face it: if you spend forever on the appetizer, you'll never get to dessert.

But I remember, for example, how I would bring ex boyfriend's head towards me for a postcoital kiss, and he'd be halfway there. His body language would say, Why do you want to kiss now? Let's just cuddle.

Current boyfriend, however, loves kissing. All the time. It is our catalyst for everything, and it enhances the intensity of all physical interactions. And our styles of kissing are very compatible. Every long makeout session feels like a conversation with our lips. We don't even cuddle or spoon that much because that would decrease the amont of lip lockage.

I didn't know I'd ever find this in another person, much less a boy. But I'm happy I have.

Stream

2009-03-08T14:17:00.000-07:00

This song is coming to mind.

I've been learning lessons from Dexter: one of the only ways to get the chance to be real and who you are is to stay cool and stick to your lies. When you're surrounded by people who need you to be something that differs from who you are, deceit is likely to be the best tool you have.

But sometimes deceit is too harsh a way of putting it. If you love someone, then you find yourself doing not-100% honest things to keep them happy. How often are we ever really honest about who we really are anyways?

On a lighter note, boy and I agree that girls are hot when they wear wifebeaters. If I had more spare time, I'd get me some wifebeater arms and be a lesbian cliche. A hot lesbian cliche.

I used to hate having a rather female figure. I've now come to fully accept and embrace it. Several people have told me to show it off more. Even if I can admit that I look good, I still do not fully identify with the "showing it off" type of style. I think I was almost always personally subscribe to layers, subtlety, and simplicity.

I really identify with transgendered individuals. I do not wish to be a man, but I know what it feels like to be at odds with your body in every moment of every day--in so many different ways that range from superficial to essential. It's a frustrating state of dissonance.

I had reached a sense of peace and acceptance of this disconnect a few months ago. But now I feel like I've lost it, and I'm trying to get it back. I know I can do it, and I know how to do it. I'm not sure how long it will take for me to get myself back though.

I need to be grateful for what I have. I need to accept mind-body dissonance as an inevitable part o fmy life so I don't get so angry about it. I kind of related to Max when he shaved off his beard. Why create or add to a rift between oneself and one's skin?

Nails + Chalkboard = HRAA!

2009-03-03T06:41:00.000-08:00

I consider television to be an art form. I don't say this because I'm trying to rationalize all of the hours I've spent in front of the tube. I say this because television isn't always just mind-numbing entertainment.

It can explore the complexities of human relationships and sociopolitical issues. It can showcase different styles of writing, humor, ad-libbing, cinematography, etc.

Six Feet Under changed my view of existence forever and forced me to be more aware of my own mortality every day.

Dexter, my new favorite show, manages to coast through the challenging grey areas of morality while maintaining suspense.

Oz deserves props for having the guts to be raw, dark, and unedited.

Sex and the City humorously examined female sexuality.

Arrested Development features quirky humor that manages to make insufferable people endearing and hilarious.

Curb Your Enthusiasm puts bullshit social decorum under the microscope while being deliciously offensive.

The fast-paced dialogue in Gilmore Girls, while unrealistic and occasionally annoying, is impressive.

etc.

And in some ways, I have more respect for an awesome television series than an awesome film. A TV show has to keep people interested over a longer period of time. And more time can lend itself to more depth.

With this being said, The L Word is kind of an insult to the art of television. Yeah, I am curious to see the finale and see who killed Jenny. But, seriously, it would have been cancelled if it didn't have lesbians in it. And by "lesbians" I mean "unattractive straight women being paid to kiss other women." Blech.

For me, it's all about TiBette, Alice, and Shane. These are the actors and characters who are still hot and interesting. And I really think they're the ones who have managed to salvage the show. Because the writing is CRAP.

I'm tempted to use specific evidence to back my assertion, but I wouldn't know where to start or if it'd be worth the time and irritation.

So what can I identify as my take away from The L Word? It's okay to be gay? As long as you're excessively girly? That some people simply cannot be faithful? That you can kill off a great character in the name of being a PSA? That you can completely butcher the first media representation of an FTM's experiences? That you can turn a sympathetic, nuanced character into a cariacature?

And what the fuck is up with the straight dykey carpenter chick? What are they trying to say? Boyish girls can like dick? This is true, and I can identify with that. But, damn, she's more than just boyish.

GAH!

Hmmm, I've been crabby lately. I think it's going to take a Six Feet Under/Kelka/Fight Club cocktail to revive me.

Praise Kelka. SRSLY.

Random

2009-02-25T18:10:00.000-08:00

I have a crush on Maybe on Arrested Development. I'll even take her Jewey hair. And we can conveniently disregard the fact that her character is a high schooler.

I want to be sterilized.

I cannot stand the sight of Elizabeth Berkely's skanky face; she is drop dead hideous. Bitch belongs in a porno. A really awful porno.

Shane isn't interesting anymore. Her charisma has been diluted.

As much as I want to see marriage equality in this country, I'm kind of starting to despise the way people idealize being married.

I love KC and Elka, and I am not sure how I will feel after listening to their last podcast. I'm a little scared.

My extremely heterosexual boyfriend thinks Rachel Maddow is cute. Maybe it isn't exactly soley based on what she looks like, but c'mon! She's awesome. She's on a slightly queer list of people whose voices I like to hear: Barack Obama, Khaela Maricich, Dan Savage, Leisha Hailey, etc.

Test

2009-02-24T12:15:00.001-08:00

Boy is a talented, passionate photographer, and he finally got a camera that he was waiting to get for years. He wanted to take pictures of me, and he was excited about it. This is a nice, normal thing to do, right?

The problem is that I am quite camera shy. Translation: the second he pointed the camera at me, I flinched, covered my face with my hands, and locked myself into the fetal position.

This involuntary wave of shyness took over, and I wished I was wearing a hoodie to turtle it up under.

And yet, we're planning on incorporating mirrors into our sex life. This delicious thought has me smirking, and it's a testament to how low my self-consciousness levels are.

So what the hell? The extent of my camera shyness surprised us both. And I explained that I don't think I look like what pictures say I look like. And this dichotomy has led me to generally avoid cameras.

It really reminds me of the striking mismatch a transgendered person might feel. Like, What? That's me?! Nooo!

I have some options on what to do:

a) continue to avoid cameras
b) allow myself to be photographed and view the pictures minimally
c) allow myself to be photographed and force myself to view the pictures frequently

I have some options on how to view this:
a) a chore to push through for someone else
b) an exercise in challenging myself
c) something new to do, and something new to detach from the results of

Hmmm....

Typecasting

2009-02-20T07:38:00.000-08:00

I'm falling for a boy. This is the first time that I've hit it off with a guy who isn't eternally grouchy, cynical, arrogant, and/or dominant.

You know, all of those stereotypical MAN qualities. All of these old turn-on's have become big turn off's. After getting fed up with the last one, I made a point to not invest myself with any other version of him and what he represents.

I used to think I wouldn't enjoy a slightly girly guy who brings out my silly side. Who knew I could have fun spending time with someone who I feel eternally giggly around. Around him, my dry, intellectual wit tends to temporarily fly out the window. And he seems to enjoy watching me act a damn fool. We'll see how long this lasts for.

It's a refreshing break from living in my big, dense head. And it's refreshing to pleasantly surprise myself. And, at the end of the day, I'll still get scooped up and tossed around like the toy that I am. Tee hee.

Pervy

2009-02-19T08:35:00.000-08:00

I was going to write something remotely intelligible today, but I was recently reminded of Alfred Kinsey and the film about him.

So instead I'm posting a link to the hot scene in which Liam Neeson passionately makes out with another guy after admitting to be bi (a 3 on his own scale).

It's cute how the guy gives him a sweet, harmless little peck at first. And then Neeson reaches for him hungrily.

Mmmm.

Bracing Myself

2009-02-16T19:09:00.000-08:00

KC and Elka's final podcast might not be that far away. I knew that they wouldn't podcast forever, but my heart might just sink a little when the day to say goodbye comes.

Will we know how they're doing a few years down the road? What if they have children? I'll want to know!

I seriously hope they do a final Chart; it'd be a good way to end things. And I seriously hope I'm on it! I've left them a lot of messages, some lame and some not-so-lame.

Sigh. Yes, I'm well aware of the impermanent nature of everything. But I heart Kelka. Dearly.

Such a girl

2009-02-14T18:28:00.000-08:00

I like being a girl, even if I could be considered a slight disgrace to the standard definition of what a girl is supposed to be (e.g. I still don't know how to put on eye shadow, and I still whip out my toy lightsaber from time to time).

It occurred to me that I will always see myself as a gay girl. Even when I'm not really into girls and when I spend all day dying to do dirty things to a boy I'm into.

Perhaps this does not make sense.

But I'm always going to keep my nails short, avoid purses, have a blunt sense of humor, gush over sci-fi, etc. I suppose a more accurate identification would be "boyish girl." Sexual orientation and gender expression don't always overlap.

I re-realized this when I was giving a super girly friend of mine sex advice; it occurred to me that I am way more into dick than she ever will be.

But I'm a queer! And I say this after a day of indulgent, amazing, heterosexual sex. Hmm, I sound like I'm trying to prove something here. I'm really not.

On the other hand, I used to be all stern and emotionally bottled up all the time. I could be a worrying whirlwind on the inside but wear a monotone mask on the outside. I can still be that way, and I know how to use it to my advantage when "playing it cool" helps a situation.

But the weepy, expressive version of me has been gradually coming out over the past year or so. I don't feel weepy very often to begin with, but I'd say it's healthier to let it out than keep it in. If someone has a problem with it, then it's better to know that so I can eliminate/downgrade them socially.

It's exhausting to put up a strong front all the time; I wonder if men feel this way. We all know that men cry, but they aren't expected to. I wonder if this makes it harder for them when they do.

Who knows. Cheers.

*Tilts head

2009-02-13T18:01:00.000-08:00

Why did I only see men looking at Valentine's Day cards at the grocery store?

What?

2009-02-11T06:20:00.000-08:00

Blah. Yes, I'm watching the final season of The L Word. Yes, I want to see how the show that I've been anxiously watching for the past three years ends. No, I do not feel like I have much energy to actually write about this trainwreck of program.

I'm glad Jenny dies though.

Blah, I need a new writing project.

I've noticed that when I take a stand against something, I will inevitably contradict myself on that issue at some point.

For example, straight girls who make out with other straight girls as a way to turn men on is gross to me. Even if they actually want to have sex with a girl, the truth is that they're probably only eating pussy so they can have dick for dessert.

Although, objectively speaking, consenting adults should be able to do just about whatever they want to. They're not hurting anyone, so why should I care?

And when boy told me that he'd find it hot to see me with another girl, I didn't angrily retort. Instead, my mind wandered off to what that would be like. And the result was, Hmmm, that could be hot!

Although I might get really greedy and possessive of both him and the girl in all of my neurotic glory. No, you can only touch meeee!

Yeah, I need a new writing project.

Help!

2009-02-09T20:18:00.001-08:00

The past 12 hours have been quite frightening for me. I'm really not afraid of dying (preferably not at the hands of a murdering rapist though), but the consequences of debilitating illnesses do scare me.

Boy came through for me though. I (hopefully) came through for him. I wish I didn't have to (unintentionally) scare him. I've worried people enough. I felt grateful that my reality didn't send him running as we made out in the hospital parking lot with relief flowing through our veins.

And he saw me with no make-up and my hair tied back. Gah!

I write a lot about identity. I analyze, simplify, criticize, philosopize, etc. Occasionally I stand on a pulpit and snarl. I may have some brains, but I'm starting to take some comfort in the incontrovertible fact that I will never have it all figured out.

The most honest truth I know is that I am nothing. I'm a worthless piece of shit who doesn't know what the future holds and when my future will end. All I have is this moment. And I barely even have that.

And I am one lucky, lucky bitch. Goddamn!

I'm glad to know this. I'm glad to feel it.

AHHHHHHHHHH! I should sleep.

Long Time No Cut and Paste

2009-02-05T19:18:00.001-08:00

Friend: so do you like pussy at all anymore?
Me: hah!
Friend: lol
Me: i like the right pussy
Friend: haha
Me: the right one hasnt come yet
Friend: i havent been interested in women for a while
Friend: that last girl i liked repulses me
Me: yeahhh, me neither
Me: well that's good since she’s a cunt
Friend: i must have been on something
Friend: lol
Friend: she has nothing that i look for in a woman
Friend: shes way too skinny. i like a woman with at least some ass and meat
Me: lol!
Me: i wasnt expecting you to go on a mini "this is what i like in my woman folk" rant
Friend: HAHA
Friend: sorry
Friend: lol
Me: no, i like
Friend: haha
Friend: what do you look for in a woman?
Me: i was thinkin bout this the other day
Friend: haha really
Me: and i realized that it's narcissistic
Friend: why?
Me: but i like girls whose body types are similar to mine
Friend: because youre a woman?
Friend: oh
Friend: so what
Me: slim, soft, curvy
Friend: we are attracted to people similar to us
Me: i guess this doesn't automatically make me vain
Friend: no
Friend: i dont think it does
Me: for a minute i felt that way
Friend: lol no
Me: i have noticed that i dont like rail thin girls so much anymore
Me: before i used to like shane-like thinness
Me: at least to look at
Me: not necessarily to touch
Friend: yeah same
Friend: shes hot. but i wouldnt do her
Friend: shes way too skinny and boyish
Me: i like the boyish but not the bonyness
Me: yeesh
Friend: ah
Me: she has no tits tho
Me: that's disappointing
Friend: who?
Friend: shane?
Me: yeah
Me: maybe not to you
Friend: i dont care about boobies
Friend: lol
Me: i know
Me: this i do not understand
Friend: but her not having any makes her seem more like a boy
Friend: i dunno. i guess its weird
Friend: im not a lezzzz
Me: gah!
Me: lezzzz
Friend: lol
Me: that's an icky way to say it
Friend: sorry
Me: that's ok
Me: i'd take "raging bulldyke" over "lezzzz"
Friend: HAHA raging bulldyke. i love it
Me: it gives amusing mental pics
Friend: lol yeah
Friend: my bf may have turned me straight
Friend: completely
Me: wow
Me: that's SO subject to change

Props

2009-02-04T09:24:00.000-08:00

I must say that Michael C. Hall is quite the actor. He played a subtley convincing gay man on Six Feet Under, and he plays a somehow convincing sympathetic serial killer on Dexter.

On Six Feet Under, he plays a character (David) who is flamboyant but not over-the-top and stereotypical like Jack from Will and Grace. He does an amazing job of portraying someone who is struggling with accepting himself. And David's tears towards the end of the series make me tear up every time I watch the last few heartbreaking episodes of Six Feet Under.

Dexter, an example of a good program that Showtime has produced, gives Hall the opportunity to be versatile. It's hard to imagine him being straight after you watch Six Feet Under, and it's hard to imagine him being gay after you watch him in Dexter. And I'm always on his side when Dexter's way of life (killing killers) is threatened.

Hats off to you, Michael C. Hall.

Cute

2009-02-01T10:07:00.000-08:00

So I've been hanging with the new boy more lately. And he obviously knows I'm bi. I noticed that anytime I'd say something about a girl (e.g. "she has a cute voice") he would have a subdued reaction. I thought that maybe I was coming off as being more into girls than boys, and he consequently wasn't dying to hear me check them out.

We were talking about the possibilities between us and what we like about each other. He looked at me seriously and calmly revealed the truth:

Him: And I find your bisexuality to be very interesting.
Me: What? You seemed kinda put off by it.
Him: No, I was trying to not seem like the stereotypical perv, so I downplayed my reactions.

I find this effort to be endearing. I then confessed that talking about girls with boyfriends is tons of fun for me.

Episode 602: Least Likely

2009-01-31T16:44:00.000-08:00

This episode was better than I expected it to be. It was pretty obvious with the setting up of conflicts, but it was more entertaining than the last episode.

They're obviously setting it up to make it seem like Nikki will kill Jenny. I laughed at how hilariously awful it was. Is the actor who plays Nikki really good or really bad? Playing someone that stupid must be a talent..unless you're already that stupid.

Some of the awkward moments during the "table wars" at the Planet made me laugh out loud. WTF is up with valet parking? Hit me with some bullshit please.

TiBette's issue of fidelity is getting tired. For fuckssake, just have an open relationship. Elizabeth Berkely is gross. I do not want to see her kiss another woman, especially not Bette.

Their Rock Paper Scissors battle was random. I couldn't decided if it was cute or out-of-character. Bette's frilly-sleeved shirt made me think of the Chiquita banana woman. I was not diggin' her clothes this episode.

Alice and Tasha...sigh. They're adorable. It's nice to see the return of cute Alica after seeing her obliviously bitchy side last season. Can psychotherapists be that blunt and tell a couple that they don't belong together? Even if they don't have a lot in common, they have chemistry. And they're willing to make it work.

Max is pregnant. How original. He also looks like a caveman. I love facial hair, I think Daniela Sea is hot, but he's like the trannyfag version of Paul Bunyan. And isn't Tom, uh, too good for him? Talk about odd couples.

Joyce naked. And I didn't think it could get any more gross than Elizabeth Berkely.

Dylan! I find Alexandria Hedison to be quite sexy, but there was something off about how she looked. Her hair, perhaps?

Shane is less interesting when she's begging. I wasn't sure if Shane was really into kissing Jenny even though she initiated it. I'm 50/50 on Shane and Jenny being a couple. I thing it's an interesting exploration, but the chances of a sustainable relatinoship blossoming are pretty slim. They also have little in common, and they're both dysfunctional, destructive individuals.

Slacker

2009-01-31T09:34:00.000-08:00

Wow, this is the first time that I haven't eagerly watched an episode of The L Word. The only thing motivating me to watch it is the fact that Kelka just put out their podcast on the second episode.

I'm behind.

I've said it before, but Ilene Chaiken should be writing KC and Elka a big, fat check.

Palette

2009-01-28T08:07:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling different lately. I've been taking a break from my [over]thinking self and tapping into my feeling self. And it's like I'm feeling the emotional version of black (or is it white?). I'm feeling the color that is all colors. I'm feeling the emotions that logically contradict each other. Somehow. Calm, scared, anxious, excited, sad, happy, etc.

I was randomly listening to music from a very depressive phase of my life, and it made me feel uppity.

I spent a portion of my previous Saturday cooking. Cooking for 1) myself and 2) my new potential man. I didn't cook for him because I'm "the woman." I did it because he's been feeding me, and I wanted to return the favor. Besides, I can pull my weight in the food creation department when I put my mind to it.

I grew up rebelling against the notion that it's the woman's job to do the cooking. Now I'm doing it happily. I'm not sure what this means or if it should be interpreted.

I [unintentionally] hurt one person, and I [effortlessly] made another person happy all in one week. I have to embrace paradoxes, contradictions, ironies, ambiguities, etc. Life is and isn't [adjective] all at the same time. I am everything. Life is everything. The lines can be blurred or even removed.

OH, and we have a President who has Muslim family members. Talk about blurring the lines!

It's getting harder and harder to see anything besides gray. And it's not scary anymore.

Dali-esque

2009-01-27T10:34:00.000-08:00

Gah! I had a disturbing dream this morning. The residue of it is still sticking to the background of my psyche today.

I had to have sex with a girl on camera. It was a porn set. YUCK. The only amusing part was that I was lauging at some other girl shooting before me who seemed to be faking her orgasm. After she was done getting the fucking of a lifetime, she walked up to me and scowled while saying, "I wasn't faking it, you bitch!"

What's even worse is I had to do a girl I knew in grade school. I was never close friends with her, but she was really nice. And she was a Jehovah's witness. Jeez! My dreams are usually pretty vanilla.

On the bright side, she seemed to enjoy what I was doing to her.

Cats and Dogs

2009-01-26T17:39:00.000-08:00

In spite of how much I appreciate what they have to offer outside of their genitalia, I appear to have no close male friends. I certainly have much-appreciated male acquaintances, but I don't have many of them that I have been strictly platonic with. It's not that I'm a big slut; I've always had significantly more female friends.

But in my experience, there are usually ulterior motives between males and females. Why don't I have this issue with girls? Because I spent the first 20 years of my life denying that I like them? Because there are fewer girls for a girl to choose from?

I want to know what it's like to be close to a guy and have no ulterior motives. Maybe it's not possible, but I'd like to give it a try.

Loyal

2009-01-24T06:54:00.000-08:00

It felt so good to hear KC and Elka's voices again. I got over my withdrawal from them, but goddaym! It had been too long. I loved all the endearing grammatical offenses.

And something fruitful came out of it: I laughed so hard that my abs tightened into a pleasing burn. This reminded me that I need to stick to my pilates routine in the interest of strengthening my mush-like lower back. Thanks Kelka!

KC brought up a good point that had never occurred to me: in a way, Prop 8 was a good thing because the enormity and shock over something like that happening in California could serve as an eye-opener for the rest of the country.

California is associated with being liberal, vegan, and yogic. And yet it could ban same-sex marriage by a simple majority vote. Who'd have thunk it?

Pissing off a lot of people is often a great catalyst for change. So hopefully Prop 8's passing could play into the gays' hands in the long run.

Yipee!

2009-01-23T08:09:00.000-08:00

Oh. my. GAY. KC and Elka are BACK!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Changefest

2009-01-20T11:24:00.000-08:00

I was lucky to be able to watch Obama's inauguration with a new special someone. A very snuggly special someone who has managed to figure out where I'm most ticklish rather quickly.

I was obviously not pleased to see Rick Warren give the invocation. Particularly since his words were so hypocritical. But hey, Obama is a politician who has to make nice with pricks. On the bright side, Bishop V. Gene Robinson, the first openly gay Episcopal bishop, said a prayer on Sunday.

As easy as it would be to complain about Obama's potential inadequacies regarding advocating gay rights, I think it's important to remember that the man has a full plate of big problems to attend to, e.g. our deteriorating economy.

Speaking of change, I'm somewhat determined to not fuck things up with Special New Someone. Not that I'm 100% to blame for my past break-ups, but I'd prefer to decrease my contribution to this next possible relationship's deterioration.

Here are some not-so-healthy behaviors I've subjected loved ones to in the past:

-being reserved/secretive about how I feel
-using my own confusion or personal issues as an excuse to push others away
-being neurotically possessive
-overreacting to potential dealbreakers
-freaking out at some small thing and then backing out
-getting naked too soon

Well, I sound like a monster. Maybe I'm more like Shane than I thought--and not in a good way.

Regardless, I'm excited about the changes in progress; growing is too much fun.

Episode 601: Long Night's Journey into the Day

2009-01-19T00:30:00.001-08:00

Well I watched the first episode of season 6, and I have a bunch of questions:

1. Why do I always feel giddy when I see Lucy Lawless and her stern brand of femininity?

2. Why do Shane and Jenny keep saying that they're the bestest of friends when they really have little in common?

3. Why does Jenny answer the door in her bra when Molly comes to her house?

4. How do Bette and Tina manage to still be cute together after all these years? I squealed when they simultaneously kissed Angelica.

5. Why do people keep painting Jenny's life as one filled with victimhood? She's not a martyr, and the fact that she dies better not turn her into more of one. She was also a merciless cunt at one point, and I think her anger at Shane, while justified, is a bit excessive and self-righteous.

6. What is it about Tasha and Alice that keeps me hoping that they'll work out there differences? Is it their combined cuteness? Is it the "opposites attract" idea? I must say that I was happy to see Alice in her chunky emo glasses.

7. Did Nikki get exponentially dumber between seasons 5 and 6? Sure, she was an airhead last season, but it's like she's been practicing being stupid and flighty since then. I was very happy to see Jenny calmly tell her off the morning after they fucked.

8. How come seeing two overly femmy girls get it on doesn't do much for me anymore?

9. Why am I growing to love Kit's ridiculous manner of speaking?

10. Who killed Jenny? The first and most obvious guess is Nikki.

I am SO FUCKING STOKED to be hearing KC and Elka again. They are the vegan icing on the refined sugar-free cake that is my life.

Spare time

2009-01-18T13:46:00.000-08:00

In my opinion, shows like Six Feet Under, Weeds, Dexter, and Batman: The Animated Series all have quality intros.

Shows like Smallville, CSI, Arrested Development, Rescue Me, and Xena have decent intros with fitting music.

Shows like Desperate Housewives and Gilmore Girls have good/adequate but not necessarily stellar intros.

Shows like Law and Order SVU and Roseanne have minimal and mostly boring intros--although they do fit the tone and content of their respective shows.

Shows like The L Word have hideous intros with shitty music.

This is what I do on my day off from people.

The eternal bender

2009-01-17T09:54:00.000-08:00

1. I'm jealous of how it takes men less prep time to look sexy. Sure, they're expected to be buff, but they have short hair, don't wear make-up, and can have hairy legs (although I don't want to grow a forest on my legs).

2. I love how guys who like me are caught off guard when they say something like, "I'm just not into blondes," and I reply, "Mee too!"

3. I had my wifey over for a sleepover. When she said, "Goodnight, my husband," I realized why I go for the tall, somewhat dominant men: they make me feel like "the woman." I don't want to feel imbalanced by always being one or the other.

4. My friend randomly called me up to inform me that the hot-as-hell Stephanie March will be returning for a few episodes of Law and Order SVU. This is nice to hear.

Through you

2009-01-16T08:59:00.000-08:00

My goodness. Last night I had one of those amazing nights that I will probably remember for the rest of my life. It makes me feel so grateful. I forgot how much I love getting to know people, even if I'm a grouchy introvert.

I wish I didn't need to sleep. There's too much art and love to absorb.

I've found that interacting with people is so much more enjoyable when you change your expectations of them. I used to say "lower your expectations," but that has a negative connotation.

When you selfishly stop expecting them to scratch some itch and allow them to be who they are (the essence of all queerness), then it's great to not only be pleasantly surprised, but to actually see someone in a more objective, selfless light. And that can be a lovely experience.

Death by dorkiness

2009-01-14T09:43:00.000-08:00

I was sifting through my pre-DVD tape collection in the interest of discarding junk. My tapes are pretty gay: they're 98% Xena, 1% Roseanne, and 1% recordings of my dead cat (may his meek, snuggly soul rest in peace).

I didn't have the heart to look at videos of when my baby was a wee little kitten, and I wasn't in the mood for Roseanne. So, yes, I, a relatively intelligent woman in her mid-twenties, watched a few old Xena tapes last night. Whilst flossing (at least I got something else constructive done).

I was curious. Why the hell did I love this show so much? I obviously didn't get caught up in the plot last night; I know how it ends, and a third of each episode is spent making Xena snarl, grunt, and do ridiculously unrealistic acrobatics.

The acting is pretty good, but every episode is yet another epic battle of Good vs Evil and Xena fighting to save her precious friend Gabrielle. And the last season was simply terrible. Not to mention the fact that everyone (except my wifey) has openly mocked my freakish fandom.

In spite of this, my love for her is infinite. She's like the dykey, ass-kicking, scantily-clad mother I never had. I looked up to her as a kid. While I probably can't watch more than a few minutes of an episode every few months, I can't throw these tapes away. They represent my youth, repressed gayness, and desire to be strong and assertive.

BLARGH!

2009-01-12T19:12:00.001-08:00

I'll always have a nostalgic, soft spot for 90's type of rock. So when I was listening to the radio and realized that I was bobbing my head to Marilyn Manson's cover of "Sweet Dreams," I had to find the song online.

It was easiest to look it up on youtube first. I found myself repulsed by the video and Manson's style of androgyny. His protruding ribs make me feel ill. I'm sure that's his intention, but...ew. Why must he uglify everything?

In other superficial news, I'm finally starting to get into other Showtime programs besides The L Word, namely Weeds. It's good stuff. And, my goodness, Mary-Louise Parker's big-beautiful-brown eyes are too easy to get lost in. I love her subtlety.

The L Word might overall be the worst show Showtime has aired.

Whatever. Kelka should be returning soon. It's been eight months. Daym.

Short n' Sweet

2009-01-10T15:22:00.001-08:00

One: The other day I was complaining to my friend about how much I miss the art of the girly sleepover. Just because I've entered my mid-twenties, avoid junk food, and need a solid seven hours of sleep doesn't mean I'm too old to have sleepovers filled with girl-talk, food, and movies.

So I revived the art this weekend, and while we were planning it, we talked about painting our nails. But that was as close as we were getting to actually doing that. And we went to sleep at midnight. And there was no junk food. I'm hoping to have another one featuring Monopoly. Talk about bein' one bitchin' badass.

Two: It has come to my attention that there are short women out there who wear heels to make themselves look taller. I always thought they wore heels because they look good and make a cool, imposing click-clack sound. When I do wear them, it's for the latter.

I do not understand wanting to be taller. It's easier to get spooned if you're shorter. I'd much prefer being the spoon-ee over the spooner--even if the spooner has a wider range of places where his/her hands can wander. But that's just me.

Three: I was on a music nostalgia kick, and I rediscovered the awesomeness that is this song. Here are the lyrics, and here is an explanation of the lyrics. I like how the ambiguity of the lyrics creates a universal and relatable experience that many are likely to have been through. And it's catchy.

It's not me; it's you.

2009-01-08T19:58:00.000-08:00

I used to make the generalization that I cannot be myself around guys, but I can easily be myself around girls. And the dysfunctional relationships I had with my first two boyfriends was proof. .

While it's true that I've gotten more confident over the years, I see that there really was no gender issue at work. It simply was how the chemistry (or rather the lack of chemistry) was with those particular males. I spoke to one of them the other day, and the only reason why it didn't completely feel like pulling teeth was because we talk every few months.

California, rest in peace?

2009-01-05T18:07:00.000-08:00

I'm getting a tad annoyed with the word "lifestyle" when it's used to describe how queers live their lives. To me it implies that being gay is some foreign, out there sort of existence. Welll you COULD practice your alternative lifestyle if you really WANT to go to hell. But why should we let your [immoral] lifestyle redefine the oh-so-sacred tradition of marriage?

Yeah, I get that it's different to spend a lifetime romantically pursuing people of the same sex. It's different to gender bend. And apparently women who don't worship cock and men who want anal sex are just SO goddamn offensive (but anal sex between a man and a woman isn't?)

But seriously. Everyone works, plays, fucks, and pursues their version of fulfillment. We're mostly just variations on one theme. These few differences don't have to merit being labeled as lifestyles. Hell, people within the same family, friendship, or relationship can live their lives very differently from each other and still manage a degree of cohesiveness.

So I don't see why the labels need to be so dramatic. In fact, there would be fewer perceived differences between gay people and straight people if they, gasp, had the same fucking rights. How's that for a catch-22?

But then I find myself feeling possessive of things like Kelka, and I realize that my desire to create walls perpetuates the "us vs. them" mentality. Perhaps I'm reacting against those who "started it," but it's not terribly constructive.

Uh oh. Am I going to need to start a "can't we all just get along?" tag?

Vitamin XX

2009-01-04T09:57:00.000-08:00

I have found that I feel off kilter if I don't balance out the gender of the people I hang out with. I've been hanging out with boys a lot lately, so I was in some serious girl-talk withdrawal. I got a premium grade, dorky-as-hell fix this weekend, and I feel so. much. better! I must remember to never deprive myself like that again. Nevar!

Say it, bitch

2009-01-01T12:51:00.000-08:00

While Itty Bitty Titty Committee (IBTC) was a very manipulative film, I have to admit that it inspired me a little. It inspired me to not be afraid to get educated and be willing to point out inequities. Feminists get a bad rap, and girls who claim that they aren't feminists might want to take a look at the rights that they didn't have to earn.

While I do point some inequities out here, I still feel like a bitch sometimes. I too fear being written off as a feminazi dyke. And I can't stand people who walk around looking for occasions to find offensive. Or people who wait to pounce on a bit of injustice or misrepresentation as if they want to be nailed to a cross.

And I was hesitant to bitch about Rick Warren; what could I say that hasn't been said before? But hey, it's disappointing that Obama invited a man who campaigned for Prop 8 to give the invocation at the inauguration. Okay, so Obama wants to be tolerant to people of differing views. And he only supports civil unions anyways.

But as Dan Savage pointed out, would Obama allow a racist to give the invocation? And why give Rick Warren that potent of a role in the inauguration of our first black President? This is a worthwhile read.

I guess I have to remember that a collective society moves more slowly when it comes to unlearning its prejudices. Right now, it's a victory that our country is becoming more color blind. Maybe in 30 years it will become more sexuality blind. Increasing support of civil unions is progress. So I'm thinkin' it'd be wise to adopt the patience of a tortoise with asthma to win this bitch of a race.

Final days

2008-12-28T20:32:00.000-08:00

Here are some random highlights of 2008:

I became a more grateful-for-the-little-things-type of person.

I created a Kelkian.

I learned that I can survive without regular new Kelka podcasts.

I discovered the genius that is Dan Savage.

I voted for the President-elect.

I finally just embraced those odd things on my body that people refer to as "curves."

On a related note, I admitted that I can look good in dresses (silently and to myself). This, however, does not meat that I intend to wear a dress unless it's absolutely necessary.

I realized the type of person I truly want to be and the type of happiness that I want to live in.

I spent quality time with almost everyone who means something to me.

I let go of several things that I didn't think I was ever capable of letting go.

I finally learned to stop investing myself in pretty bitter boys.

I got a new friend into Six Feet Under and made a new friend who is already into Six Feet Under and consequently tripled my number of Six Feet Under buddies.

2008 has given me many challenges that I'm proud to have gotten through without turning into a bitter, depressed cynic. And while 2009 is just a petty line imposed on the ever elusive concept of time, I'm thinking that this year will kick ass.

Hang up the chick habit

2008-12-26T21:36:00.000-08:00

I finally saw Itty Bitty Titty Committee. Not only does it have a buncha hot gay girls who aren't doused in make up, but it was funny and interesting.

Maybe it wasn't the greatest movie ever, and But I'm a Cheerleader is probably more of a classic. Nevertheless, it was cute and made me want to run around town defacing representations of oppression and consumerism. Jamit Babbit's style of filmmaking is entertaining, and she always manages to coat her messages with a layer of humor.

Daniela Sea's hotness actually almost superceded her ineffectual voice. And watching her get it on with Carly Pope....yum! Those big-ass glasses were a bit distracting though. And Clea Duvall was only in it for like 30 seconds, but she looked sexy as hell.

I was basically squealing, fawning, or drooling throughout the film, and I'm probably going to watch it again so I can squeal, fawn, and drool again. Because I thoroughly enjoy being emotionally manipulated by the artists who click with me.

Point

2008-12-25T21:56:00.000-08:00

Only the people you love and let in can really do something shitty to you. And if you can never forgive someone for doing something shitty to you, you're never going to have people in your life that you love for long. Because eventually, everybody does something shitty to someone they love. And a long-term relationship is basically a just a banged-up old car after 30 or 40 years.

-Dan Savage

"There's no tellin' what we'll do when we're free"

2008-12-24T14:29:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been making a point of not focusing on the negative regarding gay rights. It's pretty much a selfish choice: I don't want to be in a negative mindset, and while I can be aware of the fact that people do cruel things to each other, I don't think it's helpful to dwell on this fact.

Bt then I read about stuff like this, and, even if all the facts aren't there, I realize that I am more than capable of enduring some downers.

So I'm going to tell a sad story with a somewhat inspiring ending.

A few months ago, my friend "Jack" was telling me how he helped edit a tear jerker-typa documentary about Bernie Baran. Essentially, Baran was intentionally falsely accused of child molestation because he was gay. And there is videotaped evidence to support this: the children were basically coerced into lying. But he was sent to prison for 15 years anyways.

And, as one might expect, he was raped in prison. He managed to avoid sexual abuse in subsequent years by becoming an honest drug dealer. He never cheated his customers, and this respect won him some safety.

So my friend Jack met Baran. And at first Baran was (understandably) standoff'ish and shy. But when they finally were able to get a conversation going, Jack noticed that Baran didn't seem as bitter or angry as he expected.

Jack asked him about this, and Baran said something to the effect of, "They already got 15 years of my life. I'm not going to give them anymore. I just want to enjoy my time with my boyfriend."

Damn. If someone can let go of that, then...wow. What can't they do?

The Musings of a Couch Potato

2008-12-23T11:05:00.000-08:00

On a random note, this song rocks my face off.

One: I kinda forget that words like "fag" and "dyke" can be considered offensive. Especially since a bunch of gay people got me in the habit of saying those words. And then I look like a brash asshole in front of straight people. Meh, what else is new.

Two: There's a lack of girl drama in my life. This is good; girl drama can be draining and wasteful. But it sure as hell is entertaining. Like that scene in Empire Records when Liv Tyler and Renee Zelweger's character fight, and then Liv Tyler goes on a screaming rampage and has to be subdued by a few guys. Beautiful. I watched that shit in slow motion. Too bad it isn't on youtube.

This is what fake girl drama on television is for. And I put the shows that provide this on rotation (Sex and the City, America's Next Top Model, Will and Grace, Desperate Housewives, The L Word, etc). I'm on a Will and Grace kick. I can't decide if it's a guilty pleasure or actually good television. There is a serious lack of man-on-man action and a serious excess of stereotypes. But the blend of slapstick and mean-spirited humor gets me every time.

And I recently realized that Megan Mullaley has a sexy voice in real life. I watch too much TV.

Three: I'm starting to form a "season 6 wish list" in my head. One of the items is that I want to see Alice in big, emo glasses that make her eyes look endearingly beady. The case in point is as follows:

Whooo are you?

2008-12-21T22:02:00.000-08:00

Identity has always been of interest to me. There are so many ways one could identify and describe oneself: what you do, what you look like, how you dress, who you fuck, how you fuck, what you believe in, the friends you choose, what you eat, how you express your gender identity, your taste in art, the accomplishments you value, how much money you make, etc.

Six or so months ago I had an epiphany: zomg! you are what you think! I told a few friends about this revelation, and no one disagreed with me. Your thoughts shape your reality. They shape how you perceive life. They precede and cause all your actions, even involuntary ones. And your internal dialogue is what you spend all day with. It's a more intimate relationship than one could ever have with any other person.

But now, I want to revise this idea. Because I have plenty of thoughts that I do not agree with. They are results of patterns that I have internalized from others, but they aren't me. So now I think that you are how you react to to life, your own thoughts, the thoughts and actions of others, etc. You can decide how these influences affect you, even if the influence is the voice in your head.

And then I was thinking about what the hell I mean by, "Because writing it out is fighting it out." I just intuitively came up with that. But now I see what my goal was, even though I couldn't identify it at the time: I wanted to use writing to extract ill-formed reactions regarding queer issues. I wanted to let go of unnecessary anger, bitterness, shame, etc.

And then I was thinking about how I've broadened the definition of a queer as someone who is free from all social constructs--not just the ones related to gender and sexuality. (No, I'm not a proponent of anarchy).

And I've met someone who doesn't feel inherently inadequate for not measuring up to some standard (as far as I can tell at least). And he wasn't born that way; he did the internal work to get there. It's the most queer anyone can be. I don't know what will happen between us, but it's awesome to know that this exists, even if it doesn't lead to a friendship or relationship.

This is what I'm working towards, bit by bit. To never be tortured or tricked by subjective ideas. To never confuse them for absolutes.

I feel like I sound like The Joker in The Dark Knight.

Bland Menu

2008-12-21T07:41:00.001-08:00

I have nothing but petty, superficial complaints.

It's been a long time since I've seen a cute, interesting-looking, not-too-manly, not-too-womanly girl. I can't remember the last time I had a crush that made me feel like a shy, hopeless adolescent.

And to add to this irritation, I saw that Elizabeth Berkely is going to be on the next season of The L Word. Gross! I'm tired of seeing excessively girly girls who wear too much make-up play lesbians. Gimme some cute tomboys. I'm bored, goddamnnit!

Although Alexandra Hedison will come back. That makes up for it. Hot.

Okay, I think girls (gay or straight) talk about (or complain about) boobs just as much as straight guys do. Translation: here is my not-so-intelligent boob-centric conversation of the week....

Me: I really just want my 20's and 30's. I don't know if I want to live in my 40's
Friend: Right. Ew. No.
Me: But if we do live that long, at least our boobs won't sag.
Friend: Mine won't. Yours will.
Me: HEY. No they won't!
Friend: Yours are huge.
Me: They are NOT! I'm a B cup!
Friend: You'll be tuckin' your boobs into your pants when you hit 40.
Me: You haven't seen what mine look like.
Friend: Yes I have.
Me: Not bare!
Friend: Whatever, I have cameras in my bathroom.
Me: It's those double C's and D's that have to worry. The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
Friend: You'll be a size K.
Me: I might just have to flash you one of these days to shut you up.

Content vs. Presentation

2008-12-19T08:21:00.000-08:00

I don't identify with my nationality (which I do not wish to disclose). I never really have, partly due to where I was raised. And certain events and circumstances from formative years (which I'm not going to rehash) led me to rebel against identifying with my nationality when I was younger.

And I've recently realized that I haven't shaken this rebelliousness. I've always just felt like a tan white person. And many cannot discern my ethnicity anyways, so I'm content to be filed under "Miscellaneous" in people's heads.

The friends who share my country of origin occasionally tease and scold me when I mispronounce a word or when I talk about naming my hypothetical children by American names. What is wrong with you? Why must you speak like a pasty person? And they try to get me to bring out my "inner [nationality]." Culture is nurture, not nature.

They are totally joking, but the acute judgement is a bit superficial to me. I'm not ashamed of my ethnicity (although there are several cultural norms I disagree with); I simply don't feel a strong bond to it aside from some artistic forms of expression and philosophical ideas. I don't see it as the place of my roots.

As far as I'm concerned, it's just formed by lines on a map and yet another subjective culture that isn't necessarily better or worse than any other since all cultures have their pros and cons.

I think it's kind of silly to attach morality towards "being in touch with one's roots" when one was never raised near those roots. Learning about different cultures is interesting, but I'm just fine with the one I grew up with.

But it kind of concerns me when I have the urge to write off someone just because of their race. And I really only de-clothe with white folk. I wouldn't want someone to do that to me. Furthermore, my nemesis is racist against my race. And that's not why she's my nemesis (she's my nemesis because she's a tumor-like cuntface).

Luckily I'm aware of it and forcing myself to not write people off.

Note: I'm sure I've confused race and ethnicity in this post. Oops. I'm aware of the distinction, but I'm just lazy with consistency.

Zing!

2008-12-18T00:15:00.000-08:00

Gotta love this.

In related news...

Me: Wahhh! I'm racist against my own race!
Friend: I thought you knew that Ms. I'm White on the Inside
Me: I did, but I didn't know how bad I was until now.

So, yes, I'm slighly racist against my own race (which I'd prefer to not disclose), AND I have a handful of friends who share my race, AND I kinda want to scream and run because I kinda like a boy who also shares my race, AAAAND he's racist against our mutual race as well!

My life is so off that it's on. I love it. More later.

Riddle Me This

2008-12-17T07:56:00.000-08:00

So at the end of Episode 113 of the Savage LoveCast, a guy called in asking why some lesbians find masculinity in women attractive. Why would they go for a "fake guy" when they could have a "real guy"?

I kinda wanted to hear Dan's educated guess, but I can understand why a gay man wouldn't want to speak for gay women. So he invited lesbian listeners to call in with their input for the next podcast. Hmm...perhaps this is my chance to hear my own voice aired in Podcastland!

I obviously cannot speak for everyone, but I think there are some gay women who like masculinity, but they like girly parts and dislike all dick-related dalliances. This implies a separation between gender role expression and anatomy. And, like I've said before, it can be a pleasant surprise to uncover a beautiful feminine body underneath a heap of boyish or gender-neutral clothing.

As for my personal tastes, I don't like extremes in anyone...men or women who are too masculine or feminine don't do it for me because I see them as too one-sided. A bit of masculinity in a woman makes her more three-dimensional and interesting. If she seamlessly combines two opposing hormonal interfaces, then the result is worth purchasing.

Playing with gender can be hot...not just because it's unconventional, but because it's like a bit of a confusing mindfuck that makes less room for labels and assumptions. Granted, there are plenty of styles that one can have, but it gets boring to see girls present themselves so similarly.

Crap

2008-12-16T06:30:00.000-08:00

I kinda had an embarrassing realization that I've been rather loyal to this kinda crappy show called The L Word for the past three years.

Let's be honest: it's not exactly quality programming. It has butchered its portrayal of some queer issues, the writing is inconsistent, and they stupidly killed off a main character. The show had potential after season 1, and it did finally make somewhat of a comeback in season 5.

But, Kelka and Riese aside, it's mostly just an entertaining gay girl drama fix (what else could it be with allll women?). It's best to slap the "Guilty Pleasure" label on it.

And then I remembered how ashamed I used to be of being a non-heterosexual three years ago. It's great that I barely remember being that way. But remembering it now is forcing me to acknowledge the trite-but-true fact that this kinda crappy show helped me to emotionally and internally de-closet myself. And I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

And amusing clips like this, this, and this still make me laugh and feel some vicarious nostalgia. And those moments make me a bit sad to have to watch its last season next year.

Lastly, if some bitch spoils season 6 for me, I will unleash a malicious revenge campain on her!

Imbalances

2008-12-15T10:04:00.000-08:00

So I was all excited to start a book club. I got a few friends interested, and I chose a book that everyone was curious about.

But, being the indecisive commitment-phobe that I am, I backed out after 50 pages. I admit I should have stuck it out, but it's not like my friends were dying to eat this book up. I told the wifey (one of the "members"), and she didn't care. But then she devoured the book one weekend, and now she's trying to make me read it.

When she angrily scolded me about it yesterday, I could hear her raising her finger at me via the phone. (you BETTER pick that book up and read it!). And I suddenly had a moment where I thought for the socially conservative side: so THIS is why gay marriage is illegal...too much estrogen!

Friend: I've definitely thought about getting it on with a girl. But my boobs are big enough for two girls. So if you added two more to the mix, it'd be like a mountain of boob overload.
Me: I love you for putting that image in my head.

Loretta: ...I have to admit that I haven't seen Fight Club. Every time you've mentioned it, I've just nodded and changed the subject.
Me: Hah! I can't believe you haven't seen Fight Club OR The Big Lebowski. We must watch these. And I'm so getting you drunk and making you listen to an off-season Kelka podcast with me.
Loretta: But what if I don't like them, and you can't convert me?
Me: [pause] Well, we'll cross that bridge if we get to it.

Me: Okay, I kinda have to confess that I had a crush on a student once.
Friend: Whoa.
Me: Hey, I'm no pederass! She was 18, and I was 21.
Friend: It was a girl?? That's even worse!
Me: Why? I'm mostly sure she was bi. She was like a more charming version of me in high school. If anything, it's narcissistic.
Friend: Whatever pervy girl.
Me: It's not like I have a dick to rape, impregnate, or not make her come with.
Friend: Ouch!
Me: You started the gender biasing, big boy.

Eenie Meenie...

2008-12-14T07:33:00.000-08:00

I need me some girl talk. Stupid finals.

I've been quite indecisive lately. It's not really a problem, and everyone's mood shifts. But I'm having a hard time gauging what it is I really want, and I'm so in limbo that I don't even know if that's a good or bad thing.

Sometimes I'm more interested in just holding hands, and sometimes I'm more interested in sex. Sometimes I'm a social butterfly who succeeds at making everyone in the room laugh. Other times I'm setting my phone to silent so I don't have to talk to a soul. Sometimes I want a serious relationship, and other times I'm the biggest commitment-phobe.

I certainly don't feel indecisive about my sexual orientation at the moment though. I've been happily practicing the heterosexual lifestyle since February, and I'm quite willing to put up with the typical assholery of men.

But I need the friends who have been around to hear about every romantic mistake I've made since I was 19. I want them to follow me on dates, and when I'm about to do something stupid, they could cross their arms, shake their heads slowly, and give me a stern look. No, you cannot be picky about that flaw. No, you cannot take your clothes off yet.

So I like Scrawny Boy. Scrawny Boy likes me. But the second he started using more commitment-type words (e.g. "dating" and "companion"), I wanted to run. I don't think I'm afraid of getting my heart broken anymore; I'm afraid of being limited.

We saw Happy-Go-Lucky, and the main character in film was kinda living my ideal life: she was offensively optimistic and upbeat, she was committed to her friends, she worked with kids, and she dated occasionally. She lived in the moment, rented instead of owned, and kept things simple, even if she encountered not-so-simple occurrences.

Trade-offs, trade-offs.

Take it on the other side

2008-12-11T00:12:00.000-08:00

So maybe the Governor of Illinois is corrupt (and looks like a ventriloquist dummy), Prop 8 passed, the economy is in the toilet, and Barack Obama really has yet to prove himself.

Maybe it will be a loooong time before gay marriage is legal in this country.

Maybe 2008 has been quite humbling and difficult for me, and it's pushed my awareness to a place with fewer lines. And a part of me doesn't care much about things like making money, eating, or if I'll achieve anything significant (no, I'm not depressed--far from it).

Maybe Kelka will record their last podcast ever this year.

In spite of all this, I'm keepin' the faith about 2009. I'm choosing optimism. I'm knowing optimism.

And maybe I'm as wrong as Rod Blagojevich.

Role Play

2008-12-10T00:01:00.000-08:00

I feel like I have a wife. Not sexually. Or legally. But emotionally. We tell each other about the ordinary occurrences and victories of our daily lives. We have a "what's mine is yours" attitude towards money.

She's smaller than I am, and one would stereotypically expect me to wear the pants in this relationship. But oohhh no! She bosses me around. She made me take a mini vacation to our state parks. She scolds me when I say something too crass or sexual.

And one time, when I didn't say "bye" in a vocally affectionate manner, she yelled at me and told our friends about it.

And when she feels insecure about how she looks in a certain dress, I make sure to tell her how good she looks.

She might sound like a bitch, but she's a sweet person. Furthermore, I like being treated like the dopey husband. When I admitted this to her yesterday, she let out an evil cackle and exclaimed, "I know! You're my toy!"

"You're too fucking...BLONDE!"

2008-12-09T00:07:00.000-08:00

I've known a handful of gay girls who have told me that they don't find blondes attractive. I also don't find most of them attractive with a few exceptions (Stephanie March, Leisha Hailey, and I didn't think much of Portia until I watched Arrested Development). Personality or talent earns them this exception.

What's up with that? Is it the "blondes are dumb ditzes" stereotype? What is it about blonde hair that communicates a low IQ and a high degree of sluttiness? Who came up with this stereotype? Why?

I have noticed, however, that I like a little bit of ditziness in a girl. Maybe because it's the opposite of how I am 95% of the time? Or maybe because it's more interesting to find out that she's (hopefully) smarter than she seems underneath her facade. The last girl I liked was like this--but she was also batshit crazy. So that put a damper on things.

This is a theme with everyone I've liked. Surprising contradictions are delicious: sensitivity in usually grouchy guys, curves on tomboy'ish girls, intelligence in girls who act dumb, sexuality in uptight "ascetic" men, nerdiness in athletic gym whores, etc. Yum.

I suppose it's just fun to uncover the different layers to people and to find out that there's always more than meets the eye.

Zero Dignity

2008-12-08T00:08:00.000-08:00

I appear to have a not-so-intelligent conversation about boobs about once a week:

Me: Anna's boobs are huge; they look like floatation devices.
Friend: Where did that come from?
Me: Well, they do! Maybe you shouldn't tell her I said that...
Friend: You know what would be nice? If our boobs really could float!
Me: You're right! It'd be a nice adaptation to be able to naturally float.
Friend: Buoyant boobs...this is an especially weird conversation.
Me: Hey! You took my weird observation and turned it into a weird fantasy!

In other not-so-significant news, what the hell are they making Kate wear for season 6? Her pants are atrocious. Is she a court Jester? An employee of the Joker? A roadie for Kiss?

And why does her hair look like hairspray'ed roadkill that's too large for the rest of her body? Perhaps it's because someone needs to force feed her? I'm totally not trying to trash her; I just want her to look healthy so I can be in lust again. Is that so wrong?

They used to put effort into her hair (and by "effort," I mean "massive amounts of time and product.") And I could be wrong, but her cheeks used to have more meat to them.

Whatever.

Ground Zero

2008-12-07T00:30:00.000-08:00

All of these anti-gay laws and listening to different people have me thinking about judgement, control, and expectations in a more broad and personal sense.

Expectations can ruin life in many ways: they set you up for disappointment. And they can prevent you from seeing what's good about something.

If, for example, you believe that the sodomites should be punished for their sins, well, you might be disappointed. And if you're a homophobic Mormon with a gay child, then you might never appreciate him/her, which is disheartening. Why? because you desperately clung to your expectations.

And that's essentially what most venting is about: disappointment with some person, event, situation, etc. Everyone needs to vent, and I'm not judging that. And if someone has been abused, then s/he needs to vent and get help.

But since when does life have to live up to your expectations? What makes you so fucking special? As Chuck Palahniuk said in Invisible Monsters,"Sometimes your best way to deal with shit is to not hold yourself as such a precious little prize."

Your fellow human beings don't have to agree with your views.

Your fellow human beings don't have to treat you well.

Your family doesn't have to be happy, sane, and supportive.

Your job doesn't have to be pleasant and meaningful.

Your body doesn't have to function.

Your ______doesn't have to work the way you'd like it to etc ad nauseum.

You can do what's within your power to shape your life that way you want it, but the extent of your control will have its inevitable limits.

I dunno what my exact point of this hyperbolic post is is aside from the fact that letting go of expectations (within reason) makes life significantly more enjoyable.

I <3 Gay Podcast Land

2008-12-06T00:07:00.000-08:00

1. Okay the whole, "I need to get a purse" thing was just a stupid phase. I saw a little wallet clip thing at Walgreens and found its minimalist simplicity to be hotter than any purse.

2. Kelka confirmed that they will be podcasting in January. Forget the holiday season; Kelka season trumps it in spades. I swear I'm going to get a friend drunk and make them listen to an off-season podcast with me (Loretta--you are my prime target!)

3. Hey, remember that massive act of bigotry called Prop 8? Well here is an amusing musical parody of it.

4. Why am I just now realizing that Jorja Fox is attractive? I'm slow. And she seems possibly gay. As does Vanessa Ferlito.

5. I really want to get on Dan Savage's Podcast. I'm trying to think of an interesting and unique enough question that the tech-savvy at risk youth would find worthy of airing. Gah!

Plus I have a suddently (and perhaps annoyingly) narcissistic love of my gay voice, and I love Dan's gay voice. Having an articulate conversation with him, consequently, might prove to be quite...ah, stimulating for me in my infinite, cerebral perversity.

AHH! No More Lame Duck Watch!

2008-12-04T00:01:00.000-08:00

I have a weakness for crime dramas. I've seen almost every episode of Law and Order SVU and CSI Las Vegas.

I love watching the sexy, smart characters follow the clues, interrogate suspects, and pull out their weapons as they try to find the bad guy. I love the cerebral , objective legal and crime scene lingo. I love the plot twists, and I love feeling like a total idiot for not seeing them coming.

Lastly, I love the usually dark, ironic endings. I find them oddly comforting.

So apparently there will be some crime drama-goodness in season 6 of The L Word. AAAAND! Lucy Fucking Lawless plays a detective!!!! Yaaaay!

And apparently a character will die? I'm not sure how I feel about this since they stupidly killed off a great character. If they kill Alice, Shane, or Bette, I will scream. I'll feel bad if it's Tina, especially since she redeemed herself and has a daughter. Max, Jenny, and Jodi are mostly meaningless to me.

There is a lot to look forward to in January: a new year, a new president, the hopeful return of Kelka, and the hopefully awesome denouement to The L Word.

Black or White Bullshit Vol 2

2008-12-03T00:08:00.000-08:00

I occasionally browse through random discussion forums on the internet, and I'm confused by this seemingly new wave of people who have a bunch of Palin-esque comments regarding gay people:

Being gay is a choice, but I don't judge, and I'm not homophobic. I love people of all orientations.

and/or

I have friends who are gay, but I don't support redefining marriage. But I'm no homophobe.

Buh?

Okay, I am a full proponent of Kinsey's scale. I do think that there are some people who lean towards the middle, and they may be able to pick a side to some degree. I occasionally fall into this category.

But there are some people who are 95-100% gay/straight. Their sexuality is static, and a lifetime in prison (or a lifetime of living with people whom they aren't naturally attracted to) couldn't even turn them.

Why the hell would 10% (or whatever it is) of the world's population CHOOSE to be a sexual minority? What are the benefits?

1. You get to be a victim who gets to bitch about who the world is unfair towards you. I'm sure there are some gay people like this. This also applies to left-handed, disabled, albino, disfigured, dwarf, hideously ugly, generally unlucky, etc people.

2. You get to feel unique and/or get revenge on your family with your forbidden faggotry....Uh, are you 13?

3. That's really all I can think of.

Labeling all homosexuality as a choice is judgemental and homophobic because it is founded in a desire to invalidate and belittle who someone loves. And it's yet another example of black-or-white thinking that only serves to reduce people.

Associations

2008-12-01T23:01:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I know people were talking about this a while ago, but Paris Hilton looks significantly more interesting and attractive when she's gettin' her snuggle on with a coupla hot dykes:

Hot!

There's a reality show on MTV in which young women compete to be Paris's BFF. (I always get exposed to the worst of television while babysitting. And, sadly, I don't tell these adolescent girls to change the channel and get sucked in with them). Luckily, the girls and I were making fun of how ridiculous it was.

But it seriously was a car crash moment. I do understand catching a bit of the celebrity worship bug, and I'm guilty of it on occasion. But to watch girls my age and a few years younger get all catty and emotional over wanting to be best friends with a public persona whom they really know very little about is, well, a little disturbing and kinda sad.

But who knows. Paris Hilton could be ridiculously intelligent and talented. Kate Moennig could be a high maintenance cuntface. I'm not going to reduce these people to what they show to the camera.

I'm a little confused as to why this woman elicits such a strong reaction from people, particlarly women. Love or hate it seems. I can see how she could be considered attractive, but she's scrawny and often looks like she just got off a porn set.

Is it jealousy? Thin, Euro-lookin' chick with lotsa money? It's not like she earned that money. Or her looks. I don't see much worthy of respect here.

I'm not sure what my point here is. I guess my inner feminist wants young women to aspire to something more than a spoiled party girl, even if she might be more than meets the eye.

Or maybe I just wanted to have an excuse to post those pics.

Tee Hee

2008-12-01T00:03:00.000-08:00

One: Okay, I stand corrected re: what I wrote in the previous post. I was hanging out with a straight male friend, and he commented on an actor in a film we saw: The actor who plays the social worker is gorgeous. An hour later he said, Hugh Grant is so cute. I told him about this post, and he told me that even homphobic guys jokingly hit on each other.

Two: I kinda see Keith and David in Six Feet Under as the gay version of Turk and JD in Scrubs. Here is yet another amusing SFU clip.

Three: I feel like an unmotivated blob (a figurative blob) who doesn't care about much aside from being happy, hanging out with my friends, and flossing. The more I look around, the more the cynical side of me sees the world as a quicksand pit to aiming suck you into feeling like an unhappy person who lacks certain qualities or possessions (things, people). Blah blah blah.

Four: I used to hate PMS'ing. I couldn't stand the mood swings, rampaging libido, and food cravings. I'm not going to say that it's a pleasant walk in the park, but I do like how it balances me out. Otherwise I'd spend the whole month being an emotionally monotone, frigid person who forgets to eat. But the hormonal fluctuations allow me to experience more emotions on the spectrum. In other words, I can enjoy being crazy and feeling like my frontal lobe has been disabled.

Curious

2008-11-30T00:05:00.000-08:00

I occasionally wonder what guys talk about with other guys. I wonder how they talk too. The sterotype is that they're all tough and focus on sports and chicks. I doubt this is entirely true.

And do men compliment/comment on other men re: their physical appearances? It's like a staple with women, and we can compliment without hitting on each other. The following are some random quotes from conversations with various girlfriends:

Those pants make your butt look big--in a good way!

Your shirt/shoes/purse/etc is/are super cute.

You have pointy nipples.

I just realized how big your boobs are!

Your hair looks extra hot today.

I would totally fuck you based on how you look in this picture. It's like RACK, nothing, and then ASS!

Hmm, maybe I have some pervier-than-most friends.

What would be the male version of this sort of interaction?....

Those pants really give the hint of a first-class package!

Way to bulk up those arms you sexy stud.

That shirt accents your pecs quite well. Where'd you buy it?

Perhaps the differences between men and women are a good thing...

Lazy

2008-11-28T22:57:00.000-08:00

This is an endearingly amusing scene.

The line, "I just like to lay there" cracked me up here.

Black or White Bullshit Vol. I

2008-11-28T00:27:00.000-08:00

This blacks vs. gays issue is still lingering in my mind. It's an obviously sensitive subject, and I will preface what I have to say with a humble acknowledgement of the fact that I have no idea what it feels like to be black. I'm really not trying to be offensive; I'm really only trying to be objective.

But at the same time, the blacks who want to turn their collective hardships into a contest with the collective hardships of the queers is, well, coming from a place that lacks compassion and an open mind.

There's one point that I've heard that I want to address in detail:

Black people cannot hide the color of their skin, but gay people can hide their sexual orientation.

Sometimes this is true, and sometimes it's not. And sometimes there are degrees.

There are some gay people who don't seem obviously gay to begin with--the femmy lesbians and the manly fags. Cases in point include Jodie Foster, Portia de Rossi, Richard Chamberlain, and Rupert Everett.

There are other gay people whose natural facial features, demeanors, and voices are particularly masculine or feminine. They could try to appear more straight, but their attempts might be futile. Cases in point include Rosie O'Donnel, Richard Simmons, Rachel Maddow (whose hotness I just recently picked up on), and Randy Harrison.

And some people are ambiguous. That's why developing gaydar is a useful skill.

Furthermore, there are degrees with black people too! There are different shades of skin color. There are different types of features. There are "oreos" who act more "caucasian" by the the way they talk and carry themselves.

These are things that I myself am not really aware of, but I recently read an article by Allison Samuels in Newsweek on Michelle Obama, and she stated how it'll be great to have a First Lady with a darker shade of brown:

Who and what is beautiful has long been a source of pain, anger and frustration in the African-American community. In too many cases, beauty for black women (and even black men) has meant fair skin, "good hair" and dainty facial features. Over the years, African-American icons like Lena Horne, Dorothy Dandridge, Halle Berry and Beyoncé—while beautiful and talented—haven't exactly represented the diversity of complexions and features of most black women in this country.

Oh yeah, and to follow the idea of degrees to its logical conclusion, there's this thing called passing, and it's been acknowledged, discussed, analyzed, and written about for a while now. So, some black people and some queer people can hide their minority identities. It's a spectrum.

Some queers might exploit their ability to pass for straight. Gee, I wonder why they would do that! Hell, even The L Word mostly avoids casting women who are more masculine than Kate Moennig and Daniela Sea as actual characters.

All of these factors are making it difficult for me to negate the fact the discrimination against blacks bears some similarities to discrimination against queers.

So Fuckin' Lucky

2008-11-27T00:34:00.000-08:00

Anyone who knows me personally knows that I've had tons of surprising and significant experiences this year. And I hope I've done these experiences justice by learning what I can from them.

There is too much to be grateful for. I seriously am one lucky bitch. So here's a list (in no particular order) of what I'm (perhaps overly) grateful for:

My mind's ability to be resilient, receptive, and ridiculous (can you tell I like alliterations?).

My beautiful, brilliant friends who provide me with laughter, insight, and emotional support.

My helpful family.

My body.

Conversations that effortlessly last for several hours.

Our sane, sexy, and smart President-elect.

Funny people who crack me up and happen to be queer (Kelka, Dan Savage, Wanda Sykes, Riese, Portia on Arrested Development, Ellen and her dorky-ass style of dancing).

Funny people, regardless of their orientation.

TV on DVD.

Six Feet Under.

Good food and good wine.

The few people who have vicious things to and/or about me (who else can help you to grow a thicker skin or to improve yourself?)

Those moments when I'm driving and one of my favorite songs comes on the radio.

Those moments when a friend says exactly what I was thinking.

The fact that I don't walk around carrying a complex about any facet of my identity anymore.

The fact that I got to "know" KC and Elka via their much-needed, laugh-till-it-hurts podcasts.

The fact that season 5 of The L Word didn't suck.

I think I'll stop there. Happy Thanksgiving!

Duh

2008-11-26T00:25:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking about the comment my friend made to a previous post. And that's when I had a Big Duh Moment: no one should have to apologize for who they are or what they feel (as long as it involves two consenting adults-- again, I've seen waaay too much Law and Order SVU).

(And as long as they don't go out of their way to oppress other people, e.g. the pro-Prop 8 Mormons)

It's like I replaced the overly judgemental, internalized homophobic voice with an overly judgemental, internalized ACLU representative. And I make myself the prime target/enemy.

The truth is that minorities and people who swim against any sort of massive, social current can be just as bigoted as any Prop 8 prick.

SO! No more apologizing for being a currently straight'ish, Xena-loving, slim, tomboyish blowjob queen!

"And when you get the body you want, who is going to live inside it?"

2008-11-25T20:58:00.000-08:00

(The sweet quote is from season 3 Jenny to Max when he was being a douchebag about NEEDING top surgery NOW NOW NOW).

If you get enough girls together, it's almost statistically inevitable that one will find some passive-aggressive way to voice her insecurity about her weight. I've become increasingly aware of this in the past year, and it's consequently become increasingly annoying. I feel like I'm too old for this.

I'm also pretty sure that the one female on this planet who hates my guts hates me because, unlike her, I'm slim and perky. I wanted to like her. It's a long, stupid story that doesn't merit a telling. But am I supposed to apologize for the fact that I watch what I eat? Am I supposed to apologize for having a smaller frame (which, by the way, has its cons)?

Fuck no! There are plenty of ways in which we will not match up to The [Subjective] Ideal of Physical Perfection. Dwelling on it and allowing oneself to feel perpetually inadequate is a waste.

Conversely, I recently realized that men are expected to be tall and buff. You'd think I'd be more aware of this since the last three males I de-clothed with were tall and ripped....and I liked it. Maybe it's because most people are just naturally taller and stronger than I am anyways.

But I've been hanging out with a guy who is on the scrawnier side, and he was mentioning how he doesn't work out. And in my head I thought, Ohhh, so men have to WORK to look like my ex's. They don't just automatically come like that. INteresting...

Nothing gets past me!

I do prefer manly men who have streaks of femininity and emotional availability. And I LOVE being significantly shorter; then they can toss me around like a play toy. Yum...

But Scrawny Boy is like me: physically weak but mentally strong. He appears to be one of those...happy people. Happy people are like aliens and the Loch Ness monster: many wonder if they really exist. And that more than compensates for his lack of biceps.

Pissing Match: Micro to Macro

2008-11-23T07:08:00.000-08:00

I really hate it when people want to automatically belittle another person's pain by stating that their own is worse. It's a clear sign of bitterness, and excessive bitterness just doesn't sell.

MICRO LEVEL
My ex boyfriend was like this. I'd tell some silly, embarrassing story in an attempt to make him laugh, and his response would be, "That's nothing. I've done more embarrassing things because I was always the poorest kid in the school."

Uh.

Look baby, I'm really sorry that you grew up in poverty. I am more than willing to acknowledge that you had it rough; I'm more than willing to listen, cuddle, and fuck. But I'm just telling a simple little story here. Could you tell the whiny victim in you to shut the fuck up for a minute?

Sometimes I want to say, “You win” to those who unconsciously or consciously turn conversation pieces into contests. You win! The weather on your side of the country is more bi-polar than the weather on my side. Your parents are crazier than mine. You tits are smaller than mine. Are you happy now? Because I really don’t care anymore.

And that's what I said to the ex. You win, big boy. His response was, "Winning sucks." But I think he secretly reveled in being "the winner" because it allowed him to wear his pain like a crown. How sexy.

Yeah, he and I don't talk anymore. He lives 20 minutes from me; I wanted to be friends, but Mr. Woe Is Me just couldn't deal. Too bad for him.

MACRO LEVEL
So most people know (at least I think they know) that 70% of African Americans approved Prop 8. The heat has been in the news: minority against minority. It's disheartening. I'm not going to pretend to know why this happened, but I can certainly speculate (with NO intentions to sound racist):

People who have been victimized can be more likely to become oppressors. At least according to the 3 psych courses I've taken and the countless hours I've spent watching Law and Order SVU.
It's hard enough to be black. But to be gay and black is like a double whammy.
Discriminating against gays is not equal to discriminating against blacks because blacks have been oppressed more.
Discriminating against gays is not equal to discriminating against blacks because the color of one's skin is hereditary, immediately obvious, and unchangeable (bleach aside). Gay people can mask and suppress their minority identity with more ease, and they can (possibly) choose to be straight. (Yah, tell that to Richard Simmons; butching him up would be so wrong).

Again, I'm just speculating from a more psychological standpoint. Who the fuck knows. I'll end with Wanda's take on it.

Greetings!

2008-11-21T20:46:00.000-08:00

There’s generally a standard list of occasions for which people give cards: birthdays, weddings, graduations, parental tributes, new babies, etc.

That’s all well and good. But there are smaller, more egotistical, or more everyday occasions that people celebrate, but they might not be willing to advertise or thow a party for such events.

Nevertheless, they might internally bathe such achievements with just as much validation; I think some of these events can merit a card:

Way to end that dry spell!

Compliments on your newly acquired six pack.

Congratulations on not needing to fake it anymore!

OR

Way to make her come this time!

Happy Coming Out! I’m glad to hear your family didn’t disown you.

Congratulations on having perkier boobs than your nemesis!

Compliments on the surprisingly convincing fake tan. Your ability to cheat the Cancer Gods never ceases to amaze me.

OR

Your ability to cheat the Cancer Gods never ceases to amaze me. Cheers! OR Keep puffin’ away!

We're so relieved that you've decided to stop pretending that you're straight!

Mental Ping Pong

2008-11-20T21:33:00.001-08:00

It's like my body and heart forgot that I like girls. Mentally, I know that I like them, but I've been all boys, boys, boys for like a year now. I can't imagine being gay. And last year, I couldn't imagine being straight.

To make it worse, a part of me doesn't want to feel gay again for an extended period of time.

I'm feeling a bit guilty about this. Should I? Maybe if I called Dan Savage they would put this question up on the podcast. Maybe now is a good time to ask him since he's rightfully quite upset about Prop 8; he'd chew me out, and it would make for good entertainment.

I was chatting about it with a bi friend, and we agreed that girls are generally more work, and guys are meaner. But women are socialized to be prepared for this meanness, so that makes it a bit easier. (I know I'm stereotyping, and I'm really just speaking for myself).

And I've been hanging out with dudes more lately. Not for dates, free food, or flattery (I've finally gotten my polite, non-awkward and non-militant feminazi "No, Thank You" down every time one of them offers to pay for my meal). I'm just getting to know different people and test what works for me mentally and emotionally.

And my army of girlfriends is solid, so perhaps I'm just trying to even things out. Or maybe I'm trying to test what works for me for seeking a longer term partner?

How annoying. Yet another bisexual who ends up with a dude.

Maybe I need to tell the protesting, poster-holding HRC representative in me to shut the fuck up.

Unisexy Cont'd

2008-11-19T19:39:00.001-08:00

Roughly 1/3 of my close friends have told me that they won't call me by a new name. When I told them that I don't like my name, I was met with a rather blunt, mocking response: Well we're not going to call you anything else! I guess it could be worse.

I did 15 minutes of research, and here are some unisex names that I like (but not all of them necessarily fit me):

Aaren/Arin
Ashton
Alex
Avery
Blair
Cameron
Cary
Elliot
Lee
Riley
Sam
Shane (I am NOT going to make people call me this though; I am not Shane-worthy)

I still think Sam is the best option on the list.

There are some girly names that I like:
Alia
Kasia
Sheeana
Zadie
Alice
Liv
Lucy
Alexia
Abby

Meh, I'm probably being self-indulgent anyways.

On the other hand...

2008-11-19T07:22:00.000-08:00

So more and more people around my age are getting married. A college acquaintence voiced this observation to me and told me that it makes her feel old, immature, and behind. Guh?

Granted, a sincere marriage requires committment, responsibility, and maturity. But it doesn't automatically prove growth and maturity, and it's not the ONLY way to grow either.

Furthermore, it's not like we have to do the exact same thing, and life is some race.

Tell it like it is

2008-11-18T07:16:00.000-08:00

This is Wanda Sykes' amusing take on gay marriage. I love her.

She has a point: divorce is more of a threat to marriage than the homos. Why not make divorce illegal? Because every kid needs a mom and a dad?

Happy-Go-Lucky Part II

2008-11-17T08:30:00.001-08:00

I wish I could fully explain my state of mind as of the past few weeks. There's so much I don't particularly care about: what people think of me, how I look, if I'm pleasing my family, what career to pick, etc. This isn't to say that I'm walking around like an unkempt hobo/hippy, but I'm just keeping things simple.

A lot is just rolling off my back, and I'm content to just enjoy the moment and the day as it is. It's like every moment (no matter how painful, boring, or disappointing it is) is an opportunity to learn and grow. It's pretty fuckin' liberating.

I kinda wanted to make this energy contagious when I hung out with my friends this weekend, but I was not successful. Instead, I noticed girls finding ways to indirectly express their insecurities; seeing through people can be a bit of a curse. I wanted to tell them that they don't need to feel inadequate over some subjective bullshit. And I found myself being judgemental for a short while.

I had a lot of fun, and we had some good laughs. But I wanted them to feel as free as I feel. But I then realized that I have to learn to accept people as they are. I cannot impose my ideas on them. I may have good intentions, but I'm also being selfish and trying to change people to be more like me.

Maybe it's not that different from the Should Nots who try to convert gay people to heterosexuality via prayer. Or the Should Nots who only consider a marriage between a man and a woman is legit.