So that's why I wasn't popular

I'm going to be Xena for a Halloween party we're going to. Boy sorta convinced me. It's partly exciting to be my childhood hero, and it's partly nerve racking since I feel so strongly about her and can do a season-by-season critique of the series. Laaaame.

Me: I dunno if I want to be Xena for Halloween.
Boy: Why not?
Me: Because everyone has mocked me for liking her over the years. I dunno if I can share my love for her with a buncha strangers at a party. Plus I'm in the closet.
Boy: I doubt that anyone is going to be like, Ooh, look at that girl being Xena! I bet she's a queer!
Me: Noo! I'm in the Xena-loving closet.

Boy: Let's watch some Xena together.
Me: [whining] You can't understand my love for her! It's a retroactive passion! I grew up with a shitty mother figure! Xena is strong, smart, and kicks ass. Besides, we don't watch TV.
Boy: I'm sure I could at least appreciate what you see in her.
Me: Well, I have to warn you that my IQ drops like 20 points when I watch her.
Boy: I'm going to enjoy this. Plus you said there was eye candy.

Me: I don't like how there's some blonde modeling a Xena costume on this package. She wasn't blonde. And Xena didn't wear that much blush or wear lame boots like that.

Me: This costume comes with a cape. I won't be wearing it.
Boy: Why not?
Me: Xena didn't wear a cape, and she's above the cliche of wearing capes.
Boy: Your obsession is adorable.

Uh oh.

1. Boy and I have been practicing cohabitation during this past week. It has been going well so far. I find myself enjoying doing domestic things with/for him: the dishes, cooking, taking out the trash. When the hell did this happen?

2. I am somewhat pleased to report that the sporty spice part of me is coming back in bits. I don't foresee myself being a gym whore with workout goals anytime soon. But it's certainly nice to whip a little ass on the basketball court and glide a frisbee around.

3. I am gaining weight. My love for dark chocolate is helping. I know that this is good; even I was starting to feel like I looked too much like someone from a third world country. I am eating more on purpose. But this doesn't mean that I'm doing what I really want to do. I'm just doing the right thing, because, well it's the right thing. I do not want the right thing.

I am coming to accept that I will always be playing a bit of a game with myself that bounces between scratching an old itch and being "normal." Luckily I am not putting my health at risk.

4. I am finding, more and more, that finding a female visually pleasing does not necessarily mean that I have any desire to touch her.

5. I wish I wasn't such a bitchy hypocrite about pudginess. A tiny bit of girl pudge is cute and tactile; a bit too much of girl pudge turns my head away. It's worse that I don't judge males as harshly. I feel like such a bot.

Lowered Expectations

I haven't really hung out with my female friends much as of late. I could stand to not be in the presence of testosterone for an evening. Not that I don't enjoy being desired, and I am currently in a state of aching boyfriend withdrawal, but I sorta forgot what it's like to interact with people and not get groped.

I'm realizing that a part of me doesn't really want to try to find a girl to date. I feel like this is wrong; I should stop being afraid and try to experience different things. I'm young, my tits are still perky, and life is short. But, ugh, I feel like I don't have it in me. I suppose this would change if an amazing girl was in the picture. Then I'd have no choice because I don't say no to amazing people unless they repeatedly treat me like shit.

But amazing girls don't really fall into one's laps. At least they don't fall into mine. I'd have to look. Do I look casually or with some drive? Meh, it never hurts to keep your eyes open.

I need to remember that girls can be as mean as boys. We all expect men to be douchebags, particularly about sex. And they pretty much all are douchebags about sex at some point (to varying degrees). So the blows I've taken from boys have hurt less in a way because I hold them to a lower standard; I need to adopt this same standard for girls.

In some ways, I have the potential to romantically "have it all," but I can't help but be skeptical.

No.

This evening I got a call from my best friend's boyfriend. I hadn't heard from her in a while, and she hadn't been responding to my calls/texts. I was starting to worry, but she does things like get busy with life and lose her cell phone charger, so it wasn't anything out of the ordinary.

But my gut instinct was correct: she tried to kill herself. My best fucking friend who I can say anything to. She's the first person I outed myself to way back in high school. I had so much respect for her in high school and prided myself on winning her over because she intimidated so many people. The friend that I've always been able to get support, insight, humor, and understanding from tried to say goodbye to existence forever.

I feel like a crappy friend. I feel like I shoulda been more keen and diligent about watching out for her. I knew she wasn't feeling terribly happy with her life, but I didn't think she would do something like this. We are, after all, mildly depressive people. But I shoulda seen through the her tough exterior.

I need to step it up and be a better friend. I need to give more.

Whore Thyself

After months upon months of waiting and working, my life appears to be heading in the direction that I've been wanting it to.

I've noticed, however, that the buysness has left me with little time for myself and my personal pursuits. I've been spending the majority of my time attending to life's inevitable obligations, pleasing others, and getting bullied. It's been taking a toll.

Furthermore, it's gotten to a point where I'm falling into a pattern of being afraid to be assertive with anyone because the best way to keep the peace is to just give in regardless of how I feel.

Lame. This is unlike me, and it's a step backwards. When did I become so accepting of oppression? Sure, we all have to do things we don't 100% enjoy to survive and compromise, but this is starting to cross a line. I need to treat myself with more respect.

And, for the sake of comedic relief, I'll link to this clip (Shane and Alice's clothes, however, are embarrassing).

Sigh, I miss the joy of listening to a new Kelka podcast. I hope that day comes again soon.

Cutting to the Chase

1. I used to be sporty spice. Now I'm a scrawny, whiny pansy. The thought of working out in a serious way sounds sort of...foreign. I used to love being athletic, and I find athleticism/physical fitness to be a turn-on in both boys and girls. I used to want to compete with guys in gym class and prove that I wasn't just some pushover girl. Now I'm content to just be the weak one.

2. The most acceptable thing your boyfriend can whine about is wanting to lick your clit more. I am one lucky bitch. And any woman who complains that men suck at eating pussy is either 1) a bitter, man-hating lesbian or 2) a bitter straight woman who is with a non-GGG partner.

3. For a while I didn't think I could love a boy as much as I currently love my own. I kinda got locked into the idea that the love between two people of the same sex would be inherently more intense and understanding, even though I've only really been pursuing guys for the past few years now. But now I really see that the gender of the person doesn't matter; a connection is a connection.

4. I'm going to be honest and admit that unintentionally losing 15 lbs and weighing less than what I weighed in high school has me slipping back into old patterns of obsessing over what I eat. I am not out of control by any means, and I have people who've got my back. But there is a danger in losing the taste for things like candy, bread, pasta, etc. There is a danger in "seeing the light" and realizing that these foods are nutritionally unneccessary.

5. I know it's about the desire for control during stressful times. But I also hate having a [predominately] female mental issue. I'm going to have to make a point to bring my mind and body back to a state of balance that appeases both my desire for discipline and my desire for joy.

All Apologies

So I'm in my mid to late twenties. Most of my friends are too. I've been hearing more and more of them say things like, "I thought I would be further along in my life now," or "I feel behind" I've been noticing a lot of feelings of inadequacy over not making enough money, not owning property, or not being in the ideal relationship.

It's kind of depressing. Not only because the people I care about feel dissatisfied with their lives, but because I'm not sure having all of these things is going to guarantee peace of mind/fulfillment. And what happens to one's sense of self when these things disappear/are threatened?

I feel like people want things like marriage and a certain career more for the status these things display than for the enjoyment they bring. I'm definitely not anti-ambition, and I can see myself being married (and even having kids!) if it was right. But it feels like these goals are a bandwagon, and it's a bit of a downer.

No, I'm not going to try to preach that you are the all singing, all dancing crap of the world.

But when I'm really honest with myself, I can't see myself being anything beyond my state of mind in this moment. Life is a series of moments, and I'm afraid of looking back on my life and not appreciating what each moment had to offer.

The irony is that I've been an anxious insomniac with a knot-ridden back. Turning off my mind, relaxing, and floating downstream has been proving to be difficult for me as of late. And I think the source of this anxiety is the desire to push my life forward and achieve some long overdue goals. Maybe this is just imprinted in the human condition.

I can't speak for others, but I suppose I will always be trying to find balance between appreciating and supplicating.