Incongruous

I really miss KC and Elka all of a sudden. I got used to their absence, but I realized that the amount of gayness in my life has shrunken to an iota, and I will be an active participant in shrinking it further. And I don't mean sex wise. Maybe a part of me wanted it that way, but I feel like I'm neglecting that part of myself.

And all my bi friends, like me, are seeing men. Of course, you can be queer and straight. But, goddamnit, it'd be nice to have more gay friends. Perhaps when I have more time, I can work on this while trying to find a girlfriend.

I'm just going to forego manners for a moment and be bitchy and dramatic: straight people can be annoyingly boring and cliche. Their sense of beauty, fashion, roleplay, etc. gets on my nerves after a while. And they don't have to see how programmed they are because they have most of the power. I wish I could fully fit in that way.

I need to work up the courage to make conversation with Cute Health Foods Store Girl.

I need to get used to feeling incongruous.

California, rest in peace?

I'm getting a tad annoyed with the word "lifestyle" when it's used to describe how queers live their lives. To me it implies that being gay is some foreign, out there sort of existence. Welll you COULD practice your alternative lifestyle if you really WANT to go to hell. But why should we let your [immoral] lifestyle redefine the oh-so-sacred tradition of marriage?

Yeah, I get that it's different to spend a lifetime romantically pursuing people of the same sex. It's different to gender bend. And apparently women who don't worship cock and men who want anal sex are just SO goddamn offensive (but anal sex between a man and a woman isn't?)

But seriously. Everyone works, plays, fucks, and pursues their version of fulfillment. We're mostly just variations on one theme. These few differences don't have to merit being labeled as lifestyles. Hell, people within the same family, friendship, or relationship can live their lives very differently from each other and still manage a degree of cohesiveness.

So I don't see why the labels need to be so dramatic. In fact, there would be fewer perceived differences between gay people and straight people if they, gasp, had the same fucking rights. How's that for a catch-22?

But then I find myself feeling possessive of things like Kelka, and I realize that my desire to create walls perpetuates the "us vs. them" mentality. Perhaps I'm reacting against those who "started it," but it's not terribly constructive.

Uh oh. Am I going to need to start a "can't we all just get along?" tag?

Zing!

Gotta love this.

In related news...

Me: Wahhh! I'm racist against my own race!
Friend: I thought you knew that Ms. I'm White on the Inside
Me: I did, but I didn't know how bad I was until now.

So, yes, I'm slighly racist against my own race (which I'd prefer to not disclose), AND I have a handful of friends who share my race, AND I kinda want to scream and run because I kinda like a boy who also shares my race, AAAAND he's racist against our mutual race as well!

My life is so off that it's on. I love it. More later.

Black or White Bullshit Vol 2

I occasionally browse through random discussion forums on the internet, and I'm confused by this seemingly new wave of people who have a bunch of Palin-esque comments regarding gay people:

Being gay is a choice, but I don't judge, and I'm not homophobic. I love people of all orientations.

and/or

I have friends who are gay, but I don't support redefining marriage. But I'm no homophobe.

Buh?

Okay, I am a full proponent of Kinsey's scale. I do think that there are some people who lean towards the middle, and they may be able to pick a side to some degree. I occasionally fall into this category.

But there are some people who are 95-100% gay/straight. Their sexuality is static, and a lifetime in prison (or a lifetime of living with people whom they aren't naturally attracted to) couldn't even turn them.

Why the hell would 10% (or whatever it is) of the world's population CHOOSE to be a sexual minority? What are the benefits?

1. You get to be a victim who gets to bitch about who the world is unfair towards you. I'm sure there are some gay people like this. This also applies to left-handed, disabled, albino, disfigured, dwarf, hideously ugly, generally unlucky, etc people.

2. You get to feel unique and/or get revenge on your family with your forbidden faggotry....Uh, are you 13?

3. That's really all I can think of.

Labeling all homosexuality as a choice is judgemental and homophobic because it is founded in a desire to invalidate and belittle who someone loves. And it's yet another example of black-or-white thinking that only serves to reduce people.

"No more Mr. Nice Gay!"

I've been making a point not to dwell on the disgrace that is Prop 8, but it's still a heated issue in the news, and many are protesting against it today. I happened to flip to CNN to see the oh-so-handsome-and-articulate Dan Savage on Larry King Live (he's the one who said the title of this post).

And yesterday I was curious about our First Lady-to-be, so I looked her up on youtube. Before you know it, I was comparing Michelle Obama's ability to dance on Ellen to Barack Obama's (Michelle wins).

And then I saw a clip of John McCain on Ellen, and they were discussing gay marriage. And when Ellen stated how not being able to get married makes her feel like a second-class citizen, he just said something to the effect of, "We have a respectful disagreement." How is it respectful to put hetero unions at the top?

And THEN I ended up looking at a clip of Ellen announcing her wedding when California legalized gay marriage. I felt sad and pissed off. BUT, my viewing of Larry King Live was fruitful; I learned that the gay couples who got married in California prior to Prop 8's hateful passing are still married.

I do not totally understand how one can "agree to disagree" or "respectfully disagree" on this issue. Sure, you can have a calm debate about it, but either you're for marriage equality, or you're not. And if you're not, then you are belittling a sexual minority; that's why McCain didn't really have an argument.

The only grey area is civil unions, and while those grant some legal rights, they still aren't equal to heterosexual marriage. Helllo! Equal is the key word here!

I also cannot fully validate the idea that America simply isn't ready for marriage equality. I know that there needs to be a degree of readiness, preparation, and incentive for change to occur in a sustainable way. But at the same time, Prop 8 passed because it could pass on a simple majority. If it passed by 2/3's (and if Mormons from Utah hadn't interfered), then perhaps one could argue that California really isn't ready.

But every law granting minorities their entitled freedoms has been met with a reluctant opposition (freeing slaves, desegregation, etc) and a challenging transitional period. Change is hard, even if you're ready for it. Sometimes you just need to dive in and force the small-minded people to just fucking deal with it. Oppressed minorities have had to do it; why can't the oppressors give it a try?

Sex Rebel

All of these anti-gay, pro-missionary position initiatives have me thinking about the core tenets of homophobia. One of them is obviously that homophobes consider gay sex to be wrong.

Why is it wrong?

Sex is meant for procreation, and gay sex does not lead to procreation: Ummm, yeah, since all the sex that goes on in the world is only for procreation. The number of people who have sex JUST to have babies is infinitesimally small.

People primarily have sex because it feels good and because it's away to connect to and/or conquer other people. If this wasn't the case, abortions wouldn't be an issue, and there would be no birth control.

Gay sex is gross: All sex is gross. Objectively speaking, sex is a weird, messy ritual. People make funny faces and odd noises. Fluids with not-so-delectable tastes and smells are inevitably thrown into the mix.

People (gay and straight) act out ridiculous role-play scenarios and indulge in strange fetishes. It can be painful and awkward the first few times. People willingly put themselves at varying degrees of risk for contracting STD's. Again, we do it because it feels good. And because of hormones. And love will make you do some crazy things.

Furthermore, if sex wasn't at least a lttle bit weird and messy, then it would be boring as hell. All sex is gross.

Gay sex is unnatural: There are homo animals. Nobody turned them gay. It's not like they get Showtime.

God damn Prop 8

I'm all for trying to see the good in peope, but I've gotten to a point where it doesn't really surprise me when someone is mean, stupid, bigoted, irrational, oppressive, manipulative, etc. It's statistically inevitable to encounter someone like this.

But Prop 8 passing is disappointing. To go out of your way to re-oppress people who just gained a liberty they shouldn't have to fight for...well, that's a downer. It's also embarrassing.

I wonder how many of those who voted for it are really just shamefully queer on the inside.

So now Ellen and Portia and thousands of other gay marriages are annulled?

This goes back to the idea of the Should Nots and their anti-life paradigms. I'm so outside the realm of any organized religion that I forget about how it's mostly about controlling people and keeping them guilty, limited, and/or unhappy because they don't conform to this One idea of how people Should be.

Blah. Rant over. At least the President-elect doesn't seem like a bigot. And, on a lighter note, I had a lot of fun teaching some cute grade-schoolers how to pronounce, "President Barack Obama" yesterday.

XX?

Being medically examined by a ridiculously pretty and overdressed woman only a few years older than you are is...nerveracking. She was trying to do her job; I was trying to not to seem lame. I felt like I was in high school again.

I wasn't even personally attracted to her. She was just so easy on the eyes and dolled up that I had to let my mind wander the second that I noticed her fingernails were short. I temproarily discarded the fact that they're probably short because of her line of work.

I usually don't feel this way around females who seem so obviously dick-crazy. A part of me wanted to blurt out, Honey, dick ain't everything. But why should I want to convert her? Maybe because I feel like she's another species who barely looks like a real person with thoughts. Although she did manage to provide me with a useful diagnosis. So I'm clearly being biased.

I've had to watch more reality TV than I'd like (yes, have to--don't ask). I've seen a few episodes of Made. The premise of the show is that some adolescent gets a coach to make them change a part of themselves that they don't like. Both episodes had boyish or nerdy girls wanting to be more femmy and fashionable. There's nothing wrong with this, and they definitely could use a few pointers.

But one of the girls was super cute (athough she was a slob who spits--gross). I was feeling annoyed that they were changing her. Girls who look cute in hoodies shouldn't feel they need to change so dramatically. Especially if their coaches are gross, boring-looking women who exude...blonde-ness and unoriginality.

I know I'm probably reading too much into this, but singular modes of female expression get on my nerves sometimes. Originality isn't everything, but neither is being told how to present yourself.

"Your fat head has lovehandles."

• I caught an episode of Tila Tequila 2. I'm annoyed that I don't really find anyone attractive on the show. Tila's need to advertise her tits is a turn off. I was amused to know that one contestants is a softball coach.

• Speaking of stereotypes, the closeted classmate that I mentioned in this post put a butterfly at the end of a PowerPoint presentation he did. And he giggled as he declared how he likes butterflies. I tried to keep a straight face--lame pun intended.
  

• I have a word of advice for any bi or straight girls who might see this: if you're ever in the position of having to choose between two guys, (for fuck's sake) pick the one who eats pussy better. I'm a dumbass who fell for the cuter boy who could sell himself better and shared my cynicism.

• Testosterone simplifies dating. While feeling straight is easier, putting up with typical penis-related bullshit is less enjoyable than putting up with girl drama.
  

Pulling Back

• Right now, my role models for healthy, long-term relationships are both gay: KC and Elka and Keith and David from Six Feet Under.

• I suddenly want to re-watch The L Word seasons 1-3. I want to be enamored with Shane and hopeful for TiBette and aww at Alice and shake my fist when they kill off Dana.

• I'm pissed off that I can't blog here like I used to.

• I feel like a man hater right now; it's been a long time since I've felt this way. But I'm not going to deal with that feeling by pretending I'm a lesbian or by stereotyping men.

[Heading]

• Yaaay! Gay marriage is legal in California! That's yet another reason to move there. I may or may not have squealed when my friend told me that Ellen and Portia are getting married. Awww!
  
• After seven weeks of seeing a dude, I finally had to put up with shit that I would never have to put up with if I was seeing a girl. I'm not sure if it's fair to compare, but it's the truth.
• Sadly, I'm not impervious to males. A part of me wishes I was impervious to at least one gender; it's more simple that way. Meh, whatever.
• I feel like my sexual orientation is fluid and adapts to the reality of its options. If there were more gay people, then I'd be more of a practicing homo than hetero.
  

"Free" Agent

I feel slightly repulsed with my own heterosexuality today. Like this voice in my head was like, You've been doing WHAT with him for the past six weeks?? Gross! I guess there is such a thing as internalized heterophobia.

When one gender or team irks me, I retreat to the other team. It's a defense mechanism. I guess it can be one good thing about being a free agent, but it's a way to avoid dealing with the issue.

Although I do like the effect monogamy has on me: it calms down the unpredictable fluctuations I feel.

Hopefully I'll never have to say something like, Umm, yeahh, can we skip the sex and just play Monopoly? Your genitalia is disgusting me today.

The Way That We Live?

Friend: because we had had sex before, only with his girlfriend, who subsequently freaked out at me and accused me of trying to steal him
Friend: i am like "look you were the one exhorting me to get on his cock"
Me: wait you had a threesome?
Me: lol exhorting to get on cock
Friend: yeah, this was a few years ago
Friend: she was very aggressive but didn't seem into it
Friend: very obvs bi-in-front-of-my-bf
Friend: hate
Friend: but i went for it anyway cause they were both attractive and i thought wtf
Friend: the whole time she was like, evaluating my appearance
Friend: so i am like W T F
Me: sounds like a straight girl
Friend: lol +
Friend: so we doink, it's not bad but not great, and we all fall asleep
Me: lol doink
Friend: the next morning i get up, they make me breakfast, i shower, she climbs in with me and shotguns pot smoke into my mouth
Friend: and i'm like "hm"
Friend: i leave
Friend: as soon as i get home
Friend: there's this virulent email in my inbox
Friend: SHE WAS THE ONE WHO TOLD ME TO BLOW AND RIDE HIM
Friend: I HAD BEEN COMPLETELY COOL WITH THEIR DILDO
Me: hahahahah
Friend: W
Friend: T
Friend: F
Me: again. straight girl.
Friend: +
Friend: she didn't have anything bad to say about my oral, so nyeh
Me: sounds like the type i'd love to ream for mean reasons
Friend: hahaha +

Full Plate

Today is a busy day, and I wish I had time to write the way I want to.

A friend showed me this, and I thought it was interesting.

The weekend is getting closer. Let us praise the bloody ass of Jesus.

I'll Flatter You If I Want To

Some of my queer female friends and acquaintences have expressed their fears about coming out to all their straight female friends because they're afraid their friends will then think that they're going to get hit on. Jeez, talk about flattering oneself. Newsflash: the gays can be just as picky as anyone.

I haven't had this problem though. At least as far as I know. I don't have any sort of mixed feelings for any of my straight friends, and I'm pretty sure they know that. I really just don't look at them in that way, and the thought of pursuing anything feels incestuous and wrong.

My friends are all beautiful though. In different ways too. I'm not bragging; I'm just objectively expressing my appreciation.

A few weeks ago, however, I had a momentary lapse in my aforementioned objectivity. I had a realization that came out of nowhere: wow, I have a REALLY hot friend! I immediately felt flustered, ashamed, and worried that things might turn weird.

My embarrassment forced me to block out the dirty mental images that passed through my mind. But then I let myself glance at them and realized they were too weird. My objectivity emerged again, and order was restored within my psyche. Phew!

Do I LOOK Like I Care?

I admit that I have some issues with breeders, but it's annoying when parents have to brag about their kids at inappropriate times and/or to inappropriate degrees. For example, a classmate of mine showed pictures of her infant to the rest of the class. I like kids, and I like being an aunt, but um...

Helooo! This is an academic forum! Pictures of your homely offspring are not relevant to the course material!

Although, for all I know, she could have been a raging dyke. Either way, it was irritating.

Eye Roll

I don't really have anything gay to say today. Except that it's kind of irritating when you tell a guy you're bi, and then he gets all turned on. And then he expects you to praise him for being so open-minded and non-homophobic. Like he's just so original and progessive.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Brief Notes

• Most bisexuals I know (myself included) find it offensive to be called "straight" or "kinda gay."


• I've put on a few pounds in the past month or so. This makes me feel more like a woman. But isn't that ironic since thinness is more of a female preoccupation?
  


• Even the most open-minded straight person can overreact to the small bits of him/herself that are queer.

• I don't get purses. I mean, I get the purpose they serve, but I don't get how one is supposed to carry such an odd thing around all the time. I didn't even realize the "no purses" stereotype till Kelka pointed it out. I certainly fulfill it.

Meh

Last night I was flipping through the channels searching for a good crime drama to unwind to (SVU or CSI, preferably). But none were on. I ended up finding a special called Born in the Wrong Body. It was about three FTM's who were about to get bottom surgery.

I was multi-tasking as I watched, but I believe the states they were in wouldn't allow them to legally change their genders to male until they got their genitals changed. I think that's lame: anatomy shouldn't determine gender identity.

Their surgeries, interestingly enough, were performed by a lesbian MTF. And apparently Trinidad, Colorado is a sex change surgery hub.

These MTF's had already transitioned socially, emotionally, and physically. They were all in relationships with women. In the end, they seemed happy with the procedures. One of the three couples ended up getting married. It was then that I felt slightly irritated. If you're a woman who wants to marry a woman, you can do so if you take testoserone, cut your boobs off, and get a surgery to make your genitals to oppose your wife's?

I support the trannies, but that's a bit unfair to me. But it's not really surprising.

Some Homework

According to this and this, there is some truth to the Tasha/Alice storyline. Apparently 10,000 service personnel have been discharged since Don't Ask Don't Tell took effect. 54 of them know Arabic.

I guess they aren't just going to keep who they can get.