I'm going to be Xena for a Halloween party we're going to. Boy sorta convinced me. It's partly exciting to be my childhood hero, and it's partly nerve racking since I feel so strongly about her and can do a season-by-season critique of the series. Laaaame.
Me: I dunno if I want to be Xena for Halloween.
Boy: Why not?
Me: Because everyone has mocked me for liking her over the years. I dunno if I can share my love for her with a buncha strangers at a party. Plus I'm in the closet.
Boy: I doubt that anyone is going to be like, Ooh, look at that girl being Xena! I bet she's a queer!
Me: Noo! I'm in the Xena-loving closet.
Boy: Let's watch some Xena together.
Me: [whining] You can't understand my love for her! It's a retroactive passion! I grew up with a shitty mother figure! Xena is strong, smart, and kicks ass. Besides, we don't watch TV.
Boy: I'm sure I could at least appreciate what you see in her.
Me: Well, I have to warn you that my IQ drops like 20 points when I watch her.
Boy: I'm going to enjoy this. Plus you said there was eye candy.
Me: I don't like how there's some blonde modeling a Xena costume on this package. She wasn't blonde. And Xena didn't wear that much blush or wear lame boots like that.
Me: This costume comes with a cape. I won't be wearing it.
Boy: Why not?
Me: Xena didn't wear a cape, and she's above the cliche of wearing capes.
Boy: Your obsession is adorable.
Showing posts with label just for fun. Show all posts
Showing posts with label just for fun. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Grin
Since I've been bitchy, I figured I'd share that I finally made the effort to make conversation with Cute Health Food Store Girl. We had some nerdy nutrition talk for about 45 seconds. Sadly, this is a milestone for me.
She's cute. She has a cute smile and a cute voice. She smiled at me. And she looks like she has soft skin. We're soo gonna run away together.
Well, I don't really want that, but it is nice to actually feel this way about a girl. It's been quite a while.
So, if I can use some advanced sleuthing skills to figure out her name (by, you know, asking her), I will actually not feel like a big wuss.
Ooh! And my best friend and I have decided we should go to a gay girl bar together. In spite of her confidence and charisma, girls turn her in an awkward pubescent boy too. We'll take turns taking initiative.
Yay for progress, even if it's in the form of baby steps.
She's cute. She has a cute smile and a cute voice. She smiled at me. And she looks like she has soft skin. We're soo gonna run away together.
Well, I don't really want that, but it is nice to actually feel this way about a girl. It's been quite a while.
So, if I can use some advanced sleuthing skills to figure out her name (by, you know, asking her), I will actually not feel like a big wuss.
Ooh! And my best friend and I have decided we should go to a gay girl bar together. In spite of her confidence and charisma, girls turn her in an awkward pubescent boy too. We'll take turns taking initiative.
Yay for progress, even if it's in the form of baby steps.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Free Agent
Boy and I have been together for a little over five months now, and he only recently started to tell his [male] friends that I play for both teams. He didn't want to be that guy (even though he does have some of that stereotypical male in him). I find this endearing.
There are some advantages to dating a boy when you're bi:
1) You get advice on how to hit on/approach/move things forward with girls.
2) You get to objectify women together (I can be a bit bashful about this).
3) You are more likely to be allowed to chase girls. I wonder how many lesbians would be cool with letting their girlfriends pursue men.
However, you sorta become the bisexual female cliche. Meh, whatever.
In other odd news...
Boy: It may inform you to know that I touched pussy before I touched boobs.
Me: Huh? Really?
Boy: Yup.
Me: [Thinks about it]...That's weird!
Boy: Yeah, it kinda is.
Me: Pussy first? But everybody loves boobs! Cept gay men.
Boy: They're missing out.
Me: I still can't get over that. Boobs come first! They're boobs!
Later on...
Boy: [jokingly]I'm kinda like a lesbian trapped in a man's body.
Me: [laughs hard] How so?
Boy: I'm just all about the pussy. Even straight guys kinda like to look at cock in porn. I don't have that.
Me: You truly are 100% heterosexual. Most people have at least 1 or 2% gay in them.
Boy: Yeah, I guess I'm just stuck with using this dick here. Can't argue with nature.
Me: Sure you can.
Boy: What's the point? Gotta work with what you have.
Me: True. Well, I accept your trapped inner lesbian too.
Hmm, maybe I should make him a mix of Tegan and Sara, Le Tigre, and Riot Grrl music to welcome him to the club.
There are some advantages to dating a boy when you're bi:
1) You get advice on how to hit on/approach/move things forward with girls.
2) You get to objectify women together (I can be a bit bashful about this).
3) You are more likely to be allowed to chase girls. I wonder how many lesbians would be cool with letting their girlfriends pursue men.
However, you sorta become the bisexual female cliche. Meh, whatever.
In other odd news...
Boy: It may inform you to know that I touched pussy before I touched boobs.
Me: Huh? Really?
Boy: Yup.
Me: [Thinks about it]...That's weird!
Boy: Yeah, it kinda is.
Me: Pussy first? But everybody loves boobs! Cept gay men.
Boy: They're missing out.
Me: I still can't get over that. Boobs come first! They're boobs!
Later on...
Boy: [jokingly]I'm kinda like a lesbian trapped in a man's body.
Me: [laughs hard] How so?
Boy: I'm just all about the pussy. Even straight guys kinda like to look at cock in porn. I don't have that.
Me: You truly are 100% heterosexual. Most people have at least 1 or 2% gay in them.
Boy: Yeah, I guess I'm just stuck with using this dick here. Can't argue with nature.
Me: Sure you can.
Boy: What's the point? Gotta work with what you have.
Me: True. Well, I accept your trapped inner lesbian too.
Hmm, maybe I should make him a mix of Tegan and Sara, Le Tigre, and Riot Grrl music to welcome him to the club.
Monday, June 1, 2009
List
Physically, I have not been feeling well today. This past week has also presented its share of challenges. I'm trying to not feel discouraged and overwhelmed.
So, I want to make a list of things I'm pleased with:
The delicious avocado and 87% cocoa dark chocolate bar that I scarfed down today. Mmmm.
The laughs I had with my best friend today.
My growing culinary talents.
The interactions between various parts of my body and my boyfriend's mouth.
My boyfriend's willingness to patiently stick by me through a rough patch that affects us both.
The fact that I made a few cute girls laugh in the past week. This alone is gratifying even if nothing comes of it.
The fact that boy keeps a fresh stock of Listerine for me at his place.
The fact that KC and Elka still make me laugh out loud at jokes that I've already heard several times before.
So, I want to make a list of things I'm pleased with:
The delicious avocado and 87% cocoa dark chocolate bar that I scarfed down today. Mmmm.
The laughs I had with my best friend today.
My growing culinary talents.
The interactions between various parts of my body and my boyfriend's mouth.
My boyfriend's willingness to patiently stick by me through a rough patch that affects us both.
The fact that I made a few cute girls laugh in the past week. This alone is gratifying even if nothing comes of it.
The fact that boy keeps a fresh stock of Listerine for me at his place.
The fact that KC and Elka still make me laugh out loud at jokes that I've already heard several times before.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Locked
One: I'm starting to feel the desire for female affection come back. I knew it would return. I'm lucky to be with someone that I can talk about it with.
Two: Boyfriend was saying how, as a male, it can get tiring to always be the one on the offensive. When he said that, I made a mental note to try to be more of an initiator. But even when I want to be more aggressive, I find myself a bit frozen, and I hold back.
I'm not like this 100% of the time, and I've had several instances of attacking various people, but it's sort of a default for me to be passive. I'm discovering it's harder to shake than I expected. Stupid unconsciously acquired gender roles.
Three: I want to fuck this singer's voice, as Dan Savage would say.
Four: In this post, I was complaining about some gross blonde chick working at the health foods store I frequent. Well now there's a super cute one working there. Translation: I'm afraid of making eye contact with her. She pulls off this sexy semi mohawk without looking obnoxiously punk'ish or stereotypical. I wanna play with it.
Five: Wahhhh! I'm shy! Wahhh! I'm used to be chased rather than doing the chasing.
Six: Health foods store that I freqent is hiring. Perhaps this is a second chance.
Two: Boyfriend was saying how, as a male, it can get tiring to always be the one on the offensive. When he said that, I made a mental note to try to be more of an initiator. But even when I want to be more aggressive, I find myself a bit frozen, and I hold back.
I'm not like this 100% of the time, and I've had several instances of attacking various people, but it's sort of a default for me to be passive. I'm discovering it's harder to shake than I expected. Stupid unconsciously acquired gender roles.
Three: I want to fuck this singer's voice, as Dan Savage would say.
Four: In this post, I was complaining about some gross blonde chick working at the health foods store I frequent. Well now there's a super cute one working there. Translation: I'm afraid of making eye contact with her. She pulls off this sexy semi mohawk without looking obnoxiously punk'ish or stereotypical. I wanna play with it.
Five: Wahhhh! I'm shy! Wahhh! I'm used to be chased rather than doing the chasing.
Six: Health foods store that I freqent is hiring. Perhaps this is a second chance.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Small World
I had a somewhat out of the ordinary weekend. First of all, boy and I ended up going to a concert. We both had friends who were going there too. I needed to take a break to sit down, so I found the closest table, and there was a some what familiar-looking chick sitting there.
I asked her if I could sit, and she said yes. I was trying to figure out where I had seen her before, so I tried to subtley eye her. Then another chick walked up to the table, and I recognized her almost immediately: she used to read a different version of this blog, made a few comments, and added me on facebook a few months after we exchanged some e-mails.
Me: You're [ blog name]
Her: *surprised and off put
Me: I used to be [blog name] on livejournal
Her: Wow!
We proceeded to chat a bit about some things I had written about bisexuality and now amusing this coincidence was. She also introduced me to her girlfriend (whose familiarity can be credited to facebook).
Yeah. Small fucking world.
Sunday turned out to be platonically homoerotic. I was planning on getting work done, but I jumped at the opportunity to hang out with my best friend and her new boyfriend (she lives a few minutes away and I rarely see her). I wasn't planning on staying for too long, but one hour turned into five.
Best friend is quite happy to be in a Dom/sub relationship. It was amusing and interesting to witness how happy she was over being controlled in a consentual manner by someone who knows what they're doing.
She gave one of those massages that reduced me to a moaning, pleading porn star. I felt like she made my shoulders come, and I felt that post-orgasm feeling of being a lazy, unintelligible lump of mush.
But hey, I believe in reciprocity. And I returned the favor. When she disobeyed her boyfriend [Lord], he mandated a punishment that I was unexpectedly down with administering: he handed me a huge paddle and asked me if I would slap her ass with it.
Yeah, there's really nothing like bending your best friend over the couch, lifting her skirt, and inflicting some pain on her. It's not as easy as it sounds either; you dont want to hurt someone too much. And hitting the right part of someone's ass takes some practice.
It wasn't a sexual turn-on, but it was definitely fun. I got a little giddy when this option was presented to me.
Yep. Small fucking world.
I asked her if I could sit, and she said yes. I was trying to figure out where I had seen her before, so I tried to subtley eye her. Then another chick walked up to the table, and I recognized her almost immediately: she used to read a different version of this blog, made a few comments, and added me on facebook a few months after we exchanged some e-mails.
Me: You're [ blog name]
Her: *surprised and off put
Me: I used to be [blog name] on livejournal
Her: Wow!
We proceeded to chat a bit about some things I had written about bisexuality and now amusing this coincidence was. She also introduced me to her girlfriend (whose familiarity can be credited to facebook).
Yeah. Small fucking world.
Sunday turned out to be platonically homoerotic. I was planning on getting work done, but I jumped at the opportunity to hang out with my best friend and her new boyfriend (she lives a few minutes away and I rarely see her). I wasn't planning on staying for too long, but one hour turned into five.
Best friend is quite happy to be in a Dom/sub relationship. It was amusing and interesting to witness how happy she was over being controlled in a consentual manner by someone who knows what they're doing.
She gave one of those massages that reduced me to a moaning, pleading porn star. I felt like she made my shoulders come, and I felt that post-orgasm feeling of being a lazy, unintelligible lump of mush.
But hey, I believe in reciprocity. And I returned the favor. When she disobeyed her boyfriend [Lord], he mandated a punishment that I was unexpectedly down with administering: he handed me a huge paddle and asked me if I would slap her ass with it.
Yeah, there's really nothing like bending your best friend over the couch, lifting her skirt, and inflicting some pain on her. It's not as easy as it sounds either; you dont want to hurt someone too much. And hitting the right part of someone's ass takes some practice.
It wasn't a sexual turn-on, but it was definitely fun. I got a little giddy when this option was presented to me.
Yep. Small fucking world.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Moments
Me: *whips out Slim Clip*
Boy: Nice purse.
Me [indignantly]: It's an anti-purse!
Me: I need to get something from my purse. Uh, I mean my girly bag.
Boy: We need to find some tits for you to play with.
Me: Yeah, I'm not terribly interested in meeting people online at the moment.
Boy: [silent]
Me: You're thinking I should advertise for a girl, aren't you?
Boy: Maybe.
Boy: Nice purse.
Me [indignantly]: It's an anti-purse!
Me: I need to get something from my purse. Uh, I mean my girly bag.
Boy: We need to find some tits for you to play with.
Me: Yeah, I'm not terribly interested in meeting people online at the moment.
Boy: [silent]
Me: You're thinking I should advertise for a girl, aren't you?
Boy: Maybe.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Queen
I do not like the word "cocksucker." It's generally used to insult men; this gives it a homophobic implication.
Furthermore, I am a cocksucker. An enthusiastic one. This is in spite of the accuracy of this statement (courtesty of Samantha Jones):
You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothin'.
I'll always love me some Sex and the City.
Boy told me I should use it to take ownership of this insulting word. Kind of like how Dan Savage encouraged people to begin their letters to him with a "Hey Faggot!" This way the word becomes less offensive.
So, I signed out of an e-mail to him with the words, "Your cocksucker, [Name].
It's small, but it's something.
Furthermore, I am a cocksucker. An enthusiastic one. This is in spite of the accuracy of this statement (courtesty of Samantha Jones):
You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothin'.
I'll always love me some Sex and the City.
Boy told me I should use it to take ownership of this insulting word. Kind of like how Dan Savage encouraged people to begin their letters to him with a "Hey Faggot!" This way the word becomes less offensive.
So, I signed out of an e-mail to him with the words, "Your cocksucker, [Name].
It's small, but it's something.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Random
I have a crush on Maybe on Arrested Development. I'll even take her Jewey hair. And we can conveniently disregard the fact that her character is a high schooler.
I want to be sterilized.
I cannot stand the sight of Elizabeth Berkely's skanky face; she is drop dead hideous. Bitch belongs in a porno. A really awful porno.
Shane isn't interesting anymore. Her charisma has been diluted.
As much as I want to see marriage equality in this country, I'm kind of starting to despise the way people idealize being married.
I love KC and Elka, and I am not sure how I will feel after listening to their last podcast. I'm a little scared.
My extremely heterosexual boyfriend thinks Rachel Maddow is cute. Maybe it isn't exactly soley based on what she looks like, but c'mon! She's awesome. She's on a slightly queer list of people whose voices I like to hear: Barack Obama, Khaela Maricich, Dan Savage, Leisha Hailey, etc.
I want to be sterilized.
I cannot stand the sight of Elizabeth Berkely's skanky face; she is drop dead hideous. Bitch belongs in a porno. A really awful porno.
Shane isn't interesting anymore. Her charisma has been diluted.
As much as I want to see marriage equality in this country, I'm kind of starting to despise the way people idealize being married.
I love KC and Elka, and I am not sure how I will feel after listening to their last podcast. I'm a little scared.
My extremely heterosexual boyfriend thinks Rachel Maddow is cute. Maybe it isn't exactly soley based on what she looks like, but c'mon! She's awesome. She's on a slightly queer list of people whose voices I like to hear: Barack Obama, Khaela Maricich, Dan Savage, Leisha Hailey, etc.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Long Time No Cut and Paste
Friend: so do you like pussy at all anymore?
Me: hah!
Friend: lol
Me: i like the right pussy
Friend: haha
Me: the right one hasnt come yet
Friend: i havent been interested in women for a while
Friend: that last girl i liked repulses me
Me: yeahhh, me neither
Me: well that's good since she’s a cunt
Friend: i must have been on something
Friend: lol
Friend: she has nothing that i look for in a woman
Friend: shes way too skinny. i like a woman with at least some ass and meat
Me: lol!
Me: i wasnt expecting you to go on a mini "this is what i like in my woman folk" rant
Friend: HAHA
Friend: sorry
Friend: lol
Me: no, i like
Friend: haha
Friend: what do you look for in a woman?
Me: i was thinkin bout this the other day
Friend: haha really
Me: and i realized that it's narcissistic
Friend: why?
Me: but i like girls whose body types are similar to mine
Friend: because youre a woman?
Friend: oh
Friend: so what
Me: slim, soft, curvy
Friend: we are attracted to people similar to us
Me: i guess this doesn't automatically make me vain
Friend: no
Friend: i dont think it does
Me: for a minute i felt that way
Friend: lol no
Me: i have noticed that i dont like rail thin girls so much anymore
Me: before i used to like shane-like thinness
Me: at least to look at
Me: not necessarily to touch
Friend: yeah same
Friend: shes hot. but i wouldnt do her
Friend: shes way too skinny and boyish
Me: i like the boyish but not the bonyness
Me: yeesh
Friend: ah
Me: she has no tits tho
Me: that's disappointing
Friend: who?
Friend: shane?
Me: yeah
Me: maybe not to you
Friend: i dont care about boobies
Friend: lol
Me: i know
Me: this i do not understand
Friend: but her not having any makes her seem more like a boy
Friend: i dunno. i guess its weird
Friend: im not a lezzzz
Me: gah!
Me: lezzzz
Friend: lol
Me: that's an icky way to say it
Friend: sorry
Me: that's ok
Me: i'd take "raging bulldyke" over "lezzzz"
Friend: HAHA raging bulldyke. i love it
Me: it gives amusing mental pics
Friend: lol yeah
Friend: my bf may have turned me straight
Friend: completely
Me: wow
Me: that's SO subject to change
Me: hah!
Friend: lol
Me: i like the right pussy
Friend: haha
Me: the right one hasnt come yet
Friend: i havent been interested in women for a while
Friend: that last girl i liked repulses me
Me: yeahhh, me neither
Me: well that's good since she’s a cunt
Friend: i must have been on something
Friend: lol
Friend: she has nothing that i look for in a woman
Friend: shes way too skinny. i like a woman with at least some ass and meat
Me: lol!
Me: i wasnt expecting you to go on a mini "this is what i like in my woman folk" rant
Friend: HAHA
Friend: sorry
Friend: lol
Me: no, i like
Friend: haha
Friend: what do you look for in a woman?
Me: i was thinkin bout this the other day
Friend: haha really
Me: and i realized that it's narcissistic
Friend: why?
Me: but i like girls whose body types are similar to mine
Friend: because youre a woman?
Friend: oh
Friend: so what
Me: slim, soft, curvy
Friend: we are attracted to people similar to us
Me: i guess this doesn't automatically make me vain
Friend: no
Friend: i dont think it does
Me: for a minute i felt that way
Friend: lol no
Me: i have noticed that i dont like rail thin girls so much anymore
Me: before i used to like shane-like thinness
Me: at least to look at
Me: not necessarily to touch
Friend: yeah same
Friend: shes hot. but i wouldnt do her
Friend: shes way too skinny and boyish
Me: i like the boyish but not the bonyness
Me: yeesh
Friend: ah
Me: she has no tits tho
Me: that's disappointing
Friend: who?
Friend: shane?
Me: yeah
Me: maybe not to you
Friend: i dont care about boobies
Friend: lol
Me: i know
Me: this i do not understand
Friend: but her not having any makes her seem more like a boy
Friend: i dunno. i guess its weird
Friend: im not a lezzzz
Me: gah!
Me: lezzzz
Friend: lol
Me: that's an icky way to say it
Friend: sorry
Me: that's ok
Me: i'd take "raging bulldyke" over "lezzzz"
Friend: HAHA raging bulldyke. i love it
Me: it gives amusing mental pics
Friend: lol yeah
Friend: my bf may have turned me straight
Friend: completely
Me: wow
Me: that's SO subject to change
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Dali-esque
Gah! I had a disturbing dream this morning. The residue of it is still sticking to the background of my psyche today.
I had to have sex with a girl on camera. It was a porn set. YUCK. The only amusing part was that I was lauging at some other girl shooting before me who seemed to be faking her orgasm. After she was done getting the fucking of a lifetime, she walked up to me and scowled while saying, "I wasn't faking it, you bitch!"
What's even worse is I had to do a girl I knew in grade school. I was never close friends with her, but she was really nice. And she was a Jehovah's witness. Jeez! My dreams are usually pretty vanilla.
On the bright side, she seemed to enjoy what I was doing to her.
I had to have sex with a girl on camera. It was a porn set. YUCK. The only amusing part was that I was lauging at some other girl shooting before me who seemed to be faking her orgasm. After she was done getting the fucking of a lifetime, she walked up to me and scowled while saying, "I wasn't faking it, you bitch!"
What's even worse is I had to do a girl I knew in grade school. I was never close friends with her, but she was really nice. And she was a Jehovah's witness. Jeez! My dreams are usually pretty vanilla.
On the bright side, she seemed to enjoy what I was doing to her.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Spare time
In my opinion, shows like Six Feet Under, Weeds, Dexter, and Batman: The Animated Series all have quality intros.
Shows like Smallville, CSI, Arrested Development, Rescue Me, and Xena have decent intros with fitting music.
Shows like Desperate Housewives and Gilmore Girls have good/adequate but not necessarily stellar intros.
Shows like Law and Order SVU and Roseanne have minimal and mostly boring intros--although they do fit the tone and content of their respective shows.
Shows like The L Word have hideous intros with shitty music.
This is what I do on my day off from people.
Shows like Smallville, CSI, Arrested Development, Rescue Me, and Xena have decent intros with fitting music.
Shows like Desperate Housewives and Gilmore Girls have good/adequate but not necessarily stellar intros.
Shows like Law and Order SVU and Roseanne have minimal and mostly boring intros--although they do fit the tone and content of their respective shows.
Shows like The L Word have hideous intros with shitty music.
This is what I do on my day off from people.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Hang up the chick habit
I finally saw Itty Bitty Titty Committee. Not only does it have a buncha hot gay girls who aren't doused in make up, but it was funny and interesting.
Maybe it wasn't the greatest movie ever, and But I'm a Cheerleader is probably more of a classic. Nevertheless, it was cute and made me want to run around town defacing representations of oppression and consumerism. Jamit Babbit's style of filmmaking is entertaining, and she always manages to coat her messages with a layer of humor.
Daniela Sea's hotness actually almost superceded her ineffectual voice. And watching her get it on with Carly Pope....yum! Those big-ass glasses were a bit distracting though. And Clea Duvall was only in it for like 30 seconds, but she looked sexy as hell.
I was basically squealing, fawning, or drooling throughout the film, and I'm probably going to watch it again so I can squeal, fawn, and drool again. Because I thoroughly enjoy being emotionally manipulated by the artists who click with me.
Maybe it wasn't the greatest movie ever, and But I'm a Cheerleader is probably more of a classic. Nevertheless, it was cute and made me want to run around town defacing representations of oppression and consumerism. Jamit Babbit's style of filmmaking is entertaining, and she always manages to coat her messages with a layer of humor.
Daniela Sea's hotness actually almost superceded her ineffectual voice. And watching her get it on with Carly Pope....yum! Those big-ass glasses were a bit distracting though. And Clea Duvall was only in it for like 30 seconds, but she looked sexy as hell.
I was basically squealing, fawning, or drooling throughout the film, and I'm probably going to watch it again so I can squeal, fawn, and drool again. Because I thoroughly enjoy being emotionally manipulated by the artists who click with me.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
The Musings of a Couch Potato
On a random note, this song rocks my face off.
One: I kinda forget that words like "fag" and "dyke" can be considered offensive. Especially since a bunch of gay people got me in the habit of saying those words. And then I look like a brash asshole in front of straight people. Meh, what else is new.
Two: There's a lack of girl drama in my life. This is good; girl drama can be draining and wasteful. But it sure as hell is entertaining. Like that scene in Empire Records when Liv Tyler and Renee Zelweger's character fight, and then Liv Tyler goes on a screaming rampage and has to be subdued by a few guys. Beautiful. I watched that shit in slow motion. Too bad it isn't on youtube.
This is what fake girl drama on television is for. And I put the shows that provide this on rotation (Sex and the City, America's Next Top Model, Will and Grace, Desperate Housewives, The L Word, etc). I'm on a Will and Grace kick. I can't decide if it's a guilty pleasure or actually good television. There is a serious lack of man-on-man action and a serious excess of stereotypes. But the blend of slapstick and mean-spirited humor gets me every time.
And I recently realized that Megan Mullaley has a sexy voice in real life. I watch too much TV.
Three: I'm starting to form a "season 6 wish list" in my head. One of the items is that I want to see Alice in big, emo glasses that make her eyes look endearingly beady. The case in point is as follows:
One: I kinda forget that words like "fag" and "dyke" can be considered offensive. Especially since a bunch of gay people got me in the habit of saying those words. And then I look like a brash asshole in front of straight people. Meh, what else is new.
Two: There's a lack of girl drama in my life. This is good; girl drama can be draining and wasteful. But it sure as hell is entertaining. Like that scene in Empire Records when Liv Tyler and Renee Zelweger's character fight, and then Liv Tyler goes on a screaming rampage and has to be subdued by a few guys. Beautiful. I watched that shit in slow motion. Too bad it isn't on youtube.
This is what fake girl drama on television is for. And I put the shows that provide this on rotation (Sex and the City, America's Next Top Model, Will and Grace, Desperate Housewives, The L Word, etc). I'm on a Will and Grace kick. I can't decide if it's a guilty pleasure or actually good television. There is a serious lack of man-on-man action and a serious excess of stereotypes. But the blend of slapstick and mean-spirited humor gets me every time.
And I recently realized that Megan Mullaley has a sexy voice in real life. I watch too much TV.
Three: I'm starting to form a "season 6 wish list" in my head. One of the items is that I want to see Alice in big, emo glasses that make her eyes look endearingly beady. The case in point is as follows:
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Bland Menu
I have nothing but petty, superficial complaints.
It's been a long time since I've seen a cute, interesting-looking, not-too-manly, not-too-womanly girl. I can't remember the last time I had a crush that made me feel like a shy, hopeless adolescent.
And to add to this irritation, I saw that Elizabeth Berkely is going to be on the next season of The L Word. Gross! I'm tired of seeing excessively girly girls who wear too much make-up play lesbians. Gimme some cute tomboys. I'm bored, goddamnnit!
Although Alexandra Hedison will come back. That makes up for it. Hot.
Okay, I think girls (gay or straight) talk about (or complain about) boobs just as much as straight guys do. Translation: here is my not-so-intelligent boob-centric conversation of the week....
Me: I really just want my 20's and 30's. I don't know if I want to live in my 40's
Friend: Right. Ew. No.
Me: But if we do live that long, at least our boobs won't sag.
Friend: Mine won't. Yours will.
Me: HEY. No they won't!
Friend: Yours are huge.
Me: They are NOT! I'm a B cup!
Friend: You'll be tuckin' your boobs into your pants when you hit 40.
Me: You haven't seen what mine look like.
Friend: Yes I have.
Me: Not bare!
Friend: Whatever, I have cameras in my bathroom.
Me: It's those double C's and D's that have to worry. The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
Friend: You'll be a size K.
Me: I might just have to flash you one of these days to shut you up.
It's been a long time since I've seen a cute, interesting-looking, not-too-manly, not-too-womanly girl. I can't remember the last time I had a crush that made me feel like a shy, hopeless adolescent.
And to add to this irritation, I saw that Elizabeth Berkely is going to be on the next season of The L Word. Gross! I'm tired of seeing excessively girly girls who wear too much make-up play lesbians. Gimme some cute tomboys. I'm bored, goddamnnit!
Although Alexandra Hedison will come back. That makes up for it. Hot.
Okay, I think girls (gay or straight) talk about (or complain about) boobs just as much as straight guys do. Translation: here is my not-so-intelligent boob-centric conversation of the week....
Me: I really just want my 20's and 30's. I don't know if I want to live in my 40's
Friend: Right. Ew. No.
Me: But if we do live that long, at least our boobs won't sag.
Friend: Mine won't. Yours will.
Me: HEY. No they won't!
Friend: Yours are huge.
Me: They are NOT! I'm a B cup!
Friend: You'll be tuckin' your boobs into your pants when you hit 40.
Me: You haven't seen what mine look like.
Friend: Yes I have.
Me: Not bare!
Friend: Whatever, I have cameras in my bathroom.
Me: It's those double C's and D's that have to worry. The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
Friend: You'll be a size K.
Me: I might just have to flash you one of these days to shut you up.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Zing!
Gotta love this.
In related news...
Me: Wahhh! I'm racist against my own race!
Friend: I thought you knew that Ms. I'm White on the Inside
Me: I did, but I didn't know how bad I was until now.
So, yes, I'm slighly racist against my own race (which I'd prefer to not disclose), AND I have a handful of friends who share my race, AND I kinda want to scream and run because I kinda like a boy who also shares my race, AAAAND he's racist against our mutual race as well!
My life is so off that it's on. I love it. More later.
In related news...
Me: Wahhh! I'm racist against my own race!
Friend: I thought you knew that Ms. I'm White on the Inside
Me: I did, but I didn't know how bad I was until now.
So, yes, I'm slighly racist against my own race (which I'd prefer to not disclose), AND I have a handful of friends who share my race, AND I kinda want to scream and run because I kinda like a boy who also shares my race, AAAAND he's racist against our mutual race as well!
My life is so off that it's on. I love it. More later.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Imbalances
So I was all excited to start a book club. I got a few friends interested, and I chose a book that everyone was curious about.
But, being the indecisive commitment-phobe that I am, I backed out after 50 pages. I admit I should have stuck it out, but it's not like my friends were dying to eat this book up. I told the wifey (one of the "members"), and she didn't care. But then she devoured the book one weekend, and now she's trying to make me read it.
When she angrily scolded me about it yesterday, I could hear her raising her finger at me via the phone. (you BETTER pick that book up and read it!). And I suddenly had a moment where I thought for the socially conservative side: so THIS is why gay marriage is illegal...too much estrogen!
Friend: I've definitely thought about getting it on with a girl. But my boobs are big enough for two girls. So if you added two more to the mix, it'd be like a mountain of boob overload.
Me: I love you for putting that image in my head.
Loretta: ...I have to admit that I haven't seen Fight Club. Every time you've mentioned it, I've just nodded and changed the subject.
Me: Hah! I can't believe you haven't seen Fight Club OR The Big Lebowski. We must watch these. And I'm so getting you drunk and making you listen to an off-season Kelka podcast with me.
Loretta: But what if I don't like them, and you can't convert me?
Me: [pause] Well, we'll cross that bridge if we get to it.
Me: Okay, I kinda have to confess that I had a crush on a student once.
Friend: Whoa.
Me: Hey, I'm no pederass! She was 18, and I was 21.
Friend: It was a girl?? That's even worse!
Me: Why? I'm mostly sure she was bi. She was like a more charming version of me in high school. If anything, it's narcissistic.
Friend: Whatever pervy girl.
Me: It's not like I have a dick to rape, impregnate, or not make her come with.
Friend: Ouch!
Me: You started the gender biasing, big boy.
But, being the indecisive commitment-phobe that I am, I backed out after 50 pages. I admit I should have stuck it out, but it's not like my friends were dying to eat this book up. I told the wifey (one of the "members"), and she didn't care. But then she devoured the book one weekend, and now she's trying to make me read it.
When she angrily scolded me about it yesterday, I could hear her raising her finger at me via the phone. (you BETTER pick that book up and read it!). And I suddenly had a moment where I thought for the socially conservative side: so THIS is why gay marriage is illegal...too much estrogen!
Friend: I've definitely thought about getting it on with a girl. But my boobs are big enough for two girls. So if you added two more to the mix, it'd be like a mountain of boob overload.
Me: I love you for putting that image in my head.
Loretta: ...I have to admit that I haven't seen Fight Club. Every time you've mentioned it, I've just nodded and changed the subject.
Me: Hah! I can't believe you haven't seen Fight Club OR The Big Lebowski. We must watch these. And I'm so getting you drunk and making you listen to an off-season Kelka podcast with me.
Loretta: But what if I don't like them, and you can't convert me?
Me: [pause] Well, we'll cross that bridge if we get to it.
Me: Okay, I kinda have to confess that I had a crush on a student once.
Friend: Whoa.
Me: Hey, I'm no pederass! She was 18, and I was 21.
Friend: It was a girl?? That's even worse!
Me: Why? I'm mostly sure she was bi. She was like a more charming version of me in high school. If anything, it's narcissistic.
Friend: Whatever pervy girl.
Me: It's not like I have a dick to rape, impregnate, or not make her come with.
Friend: Ouch!
Me: You started the gender biasing, big boy.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Role Play
I feel like I have a wife. Not sexually. Or legally. But emotionally. We tell each other about the ordinary occurrences and victories of our daily lives. We have a "what's mine is yours" attitude towards money.
She's smaller than I am, and one would stereotypically expect me to wear the pants in this relationship. But oohhh no! She bosses me around. She made me take a mini vacation to our state parks. She scolds me when I say something too crass or sexual.
And one time, when I didn't say "bye" in a vocally affectionate manner, she yelled at me and told our friends about it.
And when she feels insecure about how she looks in a certain dress, I make sure to tell her how good she looks.
She might sound like a bitch, but she's a sweet person. Furthermore, I like being treated like the dopey husband. When I admitted this to her yesterday, she let out an evil cackle and exclaimed, "I know! You're my toy!"
She's smaller than I am, and one would stereotypically expect me to wear the pants in this relationship. But oohhh no! She bosses me around. She made me take a mini vacation to our state parks. She scolds me when I say something too crass or sexual.
And one time, when I didn't say "bye" in a vocally affectionate manner, she yelled at me and told our friends about it.
And when she feels insecure about how she looks in a certain dress, I make sure to tell her how good she looks.
She might sound like a bitch, but she's a sweet person. Furthermore, I like being treated like the dopey husband. When I admitted this to her yesterday, she let out an evil cackle and exclaimed, "I know! You're my toy!"
Monday, December 8, 2008
Zero Dignity
I appear to have a not-so-intelligent conversation about boobs about once a week:
Me: Anna's boobs are huge; they look like floatation devices.
Friend: Where did that come from?
Me: Well, they do! Maybe you shouldn't tell her I said that...
Friend: You know what would be nice? If our boobs really could float!
Me: You're right! It'd be a nice adaptation to be able to naturally float.
Friend: Buoyant boobs...this is an especially weird conversation.
Me: Hey! You took my weird observation and turned it into a weird fantasy!
In other not-so-significant news, what the hell are they making Kate wear for season 6? Her pants are atrocious. Is she a court Jester? An employee of the Joker? A roadie for Kiss?
And why does her hair look like hairspray'ed roadkill that's too large for the rest of her body? Perhaps it's because someone needs to force feed her? I'm totally not trying to trash her; I just want her to look healthy so I can be in lust again. Is that so wrong?
They used to put effort into her hair (and by "effort," I mean "massive amounts of time and product.") And I could be wrong, but her cheeks used to have more meat to them.
Whatever.
Me: Anna's boobs are huge; they look like floatation devices.
Friend: Where did that come from?
Me: Well, they do! Maybe you shouldn't tell her I said that...
Friend: You know what would be nice? If our boobs really could float!
Me: You're right! It'd be a nice adaptation to be able to naturally float.
Friend: Buoyant boobs...this is an especially weird conversation.
Me: Hey! You took my weird observation and turned it into a weird fantasy!
In other not-so-significant news, what the hell are they making Kate wear for season 6? Her pants are atrocious. Is she a court Jester? An employee of the Joker? A roadie for Kiss?
And why does her hair look like hairspray'ed roadkill that's too large for the rest of her body? Perhaps it's because someone needs to force feed her? I'm totally not trying to trash her; I just want her to look healthy so I can be in lust again. Is that so wrong?
They used to put effort into her hair (and by "effort," I mean "massive amounts of time and product.") And I could be wrong, but her cheeks used to have more meat to them.
Whatever.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
I <3 Gay Podcast Land
1. Okay the whole, "I need to get a purse" thing was just a stupid phase. I saw a little wallet clip thing at Walgreens and found its minimalist simplicity to be hotter than any purse.
2. Kelka confirmed that they will be podcasting in January. Forget the holiday season; Kelka season trumps it in spades. I swear I'm going to get a friend drunk and make them listen to an off-season podcast with me (Loretta--you are my prime target!)
3. Hey, remember that massive act of bigotry called Prop 8? Well here is an amusing musical parody of it.
4. Why am I just now realizing that Jorja Fox is attractive? I'm slow. And she seems possibly gay. As does Vanessa Ferlito.
5. I really want to get on Dan Savage's Podcast. I'm trying to think of an interesting and unique enough question that the tech-savvy at risk youth would find worthy of airing. Gah!
Plus I have a suddently (and perhaps annoyingly) narcissistic love of my gay voice, and I love Dan's gay voice. Having an articulate conversation with him, consequently, might prove to be quite...ah, stimulating for me in my infinite, cerebral perversity.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
