Whore Thyself

After months upon months of waiting and working, my life appears to be heading in the direction that I've been wanting it to.

I've noticed, however, that the buysness has left me with little time for myself and my personal pursuits. I've been spending the majority of my time attending to life's inevitable obligations, pleasing others, and getting bullied. It's been taking a toll.

Furthermore, it's gotten to a point where I'm falling into a pattern of being afraid to be assertive with anyone because the best way to keep the peace is to just give in regardless of how I feel.

Lame. This is unlike me, and it's a step backwards. When did I become so accepting of oppression? Sure, we all have to do things we don't 100% enjoy to survive and compromise, but this is starting to cross a line. I need to treat myself with more respect.

And, for the sake of comedic relief, I'll link to this clip (Shane and Alice's clothes, however, are embarrassing).

Sigh, I miss the joy of listening to a new Kelka podcast. I hope that day comes again soon.

RIP?

Sigh. I don't know about this blog anymore. I've been writing in it on and off for over two years now. I feel like I've put most queer topics of interest under the microscope.

And Kelka will be posting their last few podcasts sometime in the near future. The final goodbye is getting closer. It's pretty fucking sad.

So is the fact that I didn't even have the desire to watch the very last hour of The L Word. The first half of the finale was pretty crappy. I don't want to waste more time on an insult to the art of television.

Lastly, I don't find Shane as hot and charismatic as she used to be. I feel like this is a sign.

I feel like I should keep blogging, but I'm not sure if it should be here. This is a GAY blog. Can I write, gasp, non-gay stuff here? I could to prove that I don't mentally compartmentalize everything. But if I feel the need to prove it, then that probably means that my case is weak.

Maybe I'll give it a try.

Stream

This song is coming to mind.

I've been learning lessons from Dexter: one of the only ways to get the chance to be real and who you are is to stay cool and stick to your lies. When you're surrounded by people who need you to be something that differs from who you are, deceit is likely to be the best tool you have.

But sometimes deceit is too harsh a way of putting it. If you love someone, then you find yourself doing not-100% honest things to keep them happy. How often are we ever really honest about who we really are anyways?

On a lighter note, boy and I agree that girls are hot when they wear wifebeaters. If I had more spare time, I'd get me some wifebeater arms and be a lesbian cliche. A hot lesbian cliche.

I used to hate having a rather female figure. I've now come to fully accept and embrace it. Several people have told me to show it off more. Even if I can admit that I look good, I still do not fully identify with the "showing it off" type of style. I think I was almost always personally subscribe to layers, subtlety, and simplicity.

I really identify with transgendered individuals. I do not wish to be a man, but I know what it feels like to be at odds with your body in every moment of every day--in so many different ways that range from superficial to essential. It's a frustrating state of dissonance.

I had reached a sense of peace and acceptance of this disconnect a few months ago. But now I feel like I've lost it, and I'm trying to get it back. I know I can do it, and I know how to do it. I'm not sure how long it will take for me to get myself back though.

I need to be grateful for what I have. I need to accept mind-body dissonance as an inevitable part o fmy life so I don't get so angry about it. I kind of related to Max when he shaved off his beard. Why create or add to a rift between oneself and one's skin?

Nails + Chalkboard = HRAA!

I consider television to be an art form. I don't say this because I'm trying to rationalize all of the hours I've spent in front of the tube. I say this because television isn't always just mind-numbing entertainment.

It can explore the complexities of human relationships and sociopolitical issues. It can showcase different styles of writing, humor, ad-libbing, cinematography, etc.

Six Feet Under changed my view of existence forever and forced me to be more aware of my own mortality every day.

Dexter, my new favorite show, manages to coast through the challenging grey areas of morality while maintaining suspense.

Oz deserves props for having the guts to be raw, dark, and unedited.

Sex and the City humorously examined female sexuality.

Arrested Development features quirky humor that manages to make insufferable people endearing and hilarious.

Curb Your Enthusiasm puts bullshit social decorum under the microscope while being deliciously offensive.

The fast-paced dialogue in Gilmore Girls, while unrealistic and occasionally annoying, is impressive.

etc.

And in some ways, I have more respect for an awesome television series than an awesome film. A TV show has to keep people interested over a longer period of time. And more time can lend itself to more depth.

With this being said, The L Word is kind of an insult to the art of television. Yeah, I am curious to see the finale and see who killed Jenny. But, seriously, it would have been cancelled if it didn't have lesbians in it. And by "lesbians" I mean "unattractive straight women being paid to kiss other women." Blech.

For me, it's all about TiBette, Alice, and Shane. These are the actors and characters who are still hot and interesting. And I really think they're the ones who have managed to salvage the show. Because the writing is CRAP.

I'm tempted to use specific evidence to back my assertion, but I wouldn't know where to start or if it'd be worth the time and irritation.

So what can I identify as my take away from The L Word? It's okay to be gay? As long as you're excessively girly? That some people simply cannot be faithful? That you can kill off a great character in the name of being a PSA? That you can completely butcher the first media representation of an FTM's experiences? That you can turn a sympathetic, nuanced character into a cariacature?

And what the fuck is up with the straight dykey carpenter chick? What are they trying to say? Boyish girls can like dick? This is true, and I can identify with that. But, damn, she's more than just boyish.

GAH!

Hmmm, I've been crabby lately. I think it's going to take a Six Feet Under/Kelka/Fight Club cocktail to revive me.

Praise Kelka. SRSLY.

Random

I have a crush on Maybe on Arrested Development. I'll even take her Jewey hair. And we can conveniently disregard the fact that her character is a high schooler.

I want to be sterilized.

I cannot stand the sight of Elizabeth Berkely's skanky face; she is drop dead hideous. Bitch belongs in a porno. A really awful porno.

Shane isn't interesting anymore. Her charisma has been diluted.

As much as I want to see marriage equality in this country, I'm kind of starting to despise the way people idealize being married.

I love KC and Elka, and I am not sure how I will feel after listening to their last podcast. I'm a little scared.

My extremely heterosexual boyfriend thinks Rachel Maddow is cute. Maybe it isn't exactly soley based on what she looks like, but c'mon! She's awesome. She's on a slightly queer list of people whose voices I like to hear: Barack Obama, Khaela Maricich, Dan Savage, Leisha Hailey, etc.

What?

Blah. Yes, I'm watching the final season of The L Word. Yes, I want to see how the show that I've been anxiously watching for the past three years ends. No, I do not feel like I have much energy to actually write about this trainwreck of program.

I'm glad Jenny dies though.

Blah, I need a new writing project.

I've noticed that when I take a stand against something, I will inevitably contradict myself on that issue at some point.

For example, straight girls who make out with other straight girls as a way to turn men on is gross to me. Even if they actually want to have sex with a girl, the truth is that they're probably only eating pussy so they can have dick for dessert.

Although, objectively speaking, consenting adults should be able to do just about whatever they want to. They're not hurting anyone, so why should I care?

And when boy told me that he'd find it hot to see me with another girl, I didn't angrily retort. Instead, my mind wandered off to what that would be like. And the result was, Hmmm, that could be hot!

Although I might get really greedy and possessive of both him and the girl in all of my neurotic glory. No, you can only touch meeee!

Yeah, I need a new writing project.

Episode 602: Least Likely

This episode was better than I expected it to be. It was pretty obvious with the setting up of conflicts, but it was more entertaining than the last episode.

They're obviously setting it up to make it seem like Nikki will kill Jenny. I laughed at how hilariously awful it was. Is the actor who plays Nikki really good or really bad? Playing someone that stupid must be a talent..unless you're already that stupid.

Some of the awkward moments during the "table wars" at the Planet made me laugh out loud. WTF is up with valet parking? Hit me with some bullshit please.

TiBette's issue of fidelity is getting tired. For fuckssake, just have an open relationship. Elizabeth Berkely is gross. I do not want to see her kiss another woman, especially not Bette.

Their Rock Paper Scissors battle was random. I couldn't decided if it was cute or out-of-character. Bette's frilly-sleeved shirt made me think of the Chiquita banana woman. I was not diggin' her clothes this episode.

Alice and Tasha...sigh. They're adorable. It's nice to see the return of cute Alica after seeing her obliviously bitchy side last season. Can psychotherapists be that blunt and tell a couple that they don't belong together? Even if they don't have a lot in common, they have chemistry. And they're willing to make it work.

Max is pregnant. How original. He also looks like a caveman. I love facial hair, I think Daniela Sea is hot, but he's like the trannyfag version of Paul Bunyan. And isn't Tom, uh, too good for him? Talk about odd couples.

Joyce naked. And I didn't think it could get any more gross than Elizabeth Berkely.

Dylan! I find Alexandria Hedison to be quite sexy, but there was something off about how she looked. Her hair, perhaps?

Shane is less interesting when she's begging. I wasn't sure if Shane was really into kissing Jenny even though she initiated it. I'm 50/50 on Shane and Jenny being a couple. I thing it's an interesting exploration, but the chances of a sustainable relatinoship blossoming are pretty slim. They also have little in common, and they're both dysfunctional, destructive individuals.

Slacker

Wow, this is the first time that I haven't eagerly watched an episode of The L Word. The only thing motivating me to watch it is the fact that Kelka just put out their podcast on the second episode.

I'm behind.

I've said it before, but Ilene Chaiken should be writing KC and Elka a big, fat check.

Episode 601: Long Night's Journey into the Day

Well I watched the first episode of season 6, and I have a bunch of questions:

1. Why do I always feel giddy when I see Lucy Lawless and her stern brand of femininity?

2. Why do Shane and Jenny keep saying that they're the bestest of friends when they really have little in common?

3. Why does Jenny answer the door in her bra when Molly comes to her house?

4. How do Bette and Tina manage to still be cute together after all these years? I squealed when they simultaneously kissed Angelica.

5. Why do people keep painting Jenny's life as one filled with victimhood? She's not a martyr, and the fact that she dies better not turn her into more of one. She was also a merciless cunt at one point, and I think her anger at Shane, while justified, is a bit excessive and self-righteous.

6. What is it about Tasha and Alice that keeps me hoping that they'll work out there differences? Is it their combined cuteness? Is it the "opposites attract" idea? I must say that I was happy to see Alice in her chunky emo glasses.

7. Did Nikki get exponentially dumber between seasons 5 and 6? Sure, she was an airhead last season, but it's like she's been practicing being stupid and flighty since then. I was very happy to see Jenny calmly tell her off the morning after they fucked.

8. How come seeing two overly femmy girls get it on doesn't do much for me anymore?

9. Why am I growing to love Kit's ridiculous manner of speaking?

10. Who killed Jenny? The first and most obvious guess is Nikki.

I am SO FUCKING STOKED to be hearing KC and Elka again. They are the vegan icing on the refined sugar-free cake that is my life.

Spare time

In my opinion, shows like Six Feet Under, Weeds, Dexter, and Batman: The Animated Series all have quality intros.

Shows like Smallville, CSI, Arrested Development, Rescue Me, and Xena have decent intros with fitting music.

Shows like Desperate Housewives and Gilmore Girls have good/adequate but not necessarily stellar intros.

Shows like Law and Order SVU and Roseanne have minimal and mostly boring intros--although they do fit the tone and content of their respective shows.

Shows like The L Word have hideous intros with shitty music.

This is what I do on my day off from people.

BLARGH!

I'll always have a nostalgic, soft spot for 90's type of rock. So when I was listening to the radio and realized that I was bobbing my head to Marilyn Manson's cover of "Sweet Dreams," I had to find the song online.

It was easiest to look it up on youtube first. I found myself repulsed by the video and Manson's style of androgyny. His protruding ribs make me feel ill. I'm sure that's his intention, but...ew. Why must he uglify everything?

In other superficial news, I'm finally starting to get into other Showtime programs besides The L Word, namely Weeds. It's good stuff. And, my goodness, Mary-Louise Parker's big-beautiful-brown eyes are too easy to get lost in. I love her subtlety.

The L Word might overall be the worst show Showtime has aired.

Whatever. Kelka should be returning soon. It's been eight months. Daym.

The Musings of a Couch Potato

On a random note, this song rocks my face off.

One: I kinda forget that words like "fag" and "dyke" can be considered offensive. Especially since a bunch of gay people got me in the habit of saying those words. And then I look like a brash asshole in front of straight people. Meh, what else is new.

Two: There's a lack of girl drama in my life. This is good; girl drama can be draining and wasteful. But it sure as hell is entertaining. Like that scene in Empire Records when Liv Tyler and Renee Zelweger's character fight, and then Liv Tyler goes on a screaming rampage and has to be subdued by a few guys. Beautiful. I watched that shit in slow motion. Too bad it isn't on youtube.

This is what fake girl drama on television is for. And I put the shows that provide this on rotation (Sex and the City, America's Next Top Model, Will and Grace, Desperate Housewives, The L Word, etc). I'm on a Will and Grace kick. I can't decide if it's a guilty pleasure or actually good television. There is a serious lack of man-on-man action and a serious excess of stereotypes. But the blend of slapstick and mean-spirited humor gets me every time.

And I recently realized that Megan Mullaley has a sexy voice in real life. I watch too much TV.

Three: I'm starting to form a "season 6 wish list" in my head. One of the items is that I want to see Alice in big, emo glasses that make her eyes look endearingly beady. The case in point is as follows:

Bland Menu

I have nothing but petty, superficial complaints.

It's been a long time since I've seen a cute, interesting-looking, not-too-manly, not-too-womanly girl. I can't remember the last time I had a crush that made me feel like a shy, hopeless adolescent.

And to add to this irritation, I saw that Elizabeth Berkely is going to be on the next season of The L Word. Gross! I'm tired of seeing excessively girly girls who wear too much make-up play lesbians. Gimme some cute tomboys. I'm bored, goddamnnit!

Although Alexandra Hedison will come back. That makes up for it. Hot.

Okay, I think girls (gay or straight) talk about (or complain about) boobs just as much as straight guys do. Translation: here is my not-so-intelligent boob-centric conversation of the week....

Me: I really just want my 20's and 30's. I don't know if I want to live in my 40's
Friend: Right. Ew. No.
Me: But if we do live that long, at least our boobs won't sag.
Friend: Mine won't. Yours will.
Me: HEY. No they won't!
Friend: Yours are huge.
Me: They are NOT! I'm a B cup!
Friend: You'll be tuckin' your boobs into your pants when you hit 40.
Me: You haven't seen what mine look like.
Friend: Yes I have.
Me: Not bare!
Friend: Whatever, I have cameras in my bathroom.
Me: It's those double C's and D's that have to worry. The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
Friend: You'll be a size K.
Me: I might just have to flash you one of these days to shut you up.

Crap

I kinda had an embarrassing realization that I've been rather loyal to this kinda crappy show called The L Word for the past three years.

Let's be honest: it's not exactly quality programming. It has butchered its portrayal of some queer issues, the writing is inconsistent, and they stupidly killed off a main character. The show had potential after season 1, and it did finally make somewhat of a comeback in season 5.

But, Kelka and Riese aside, it's mostly just an entertaining gay girl drama fix (what else could it be with allll women?). It's best to slap the "Guilty Pleasure" label on it.

And then I remembered how ashamed I used to be of being a non-heterosexual three years ago. It's great that I barely remember being that way. But remembering it now is forcing me to acknowledge the trite-but-true fact that this kinda crappy show helped me to emotionally and internally de-closet myself. And I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

And amusing clips like this, this, and this still make me laugh and feel some vicarious nostalgia. And those moments make me a bit sad to have to watch its last season next year.

Lastly, if some bitch spoils season 6 for me, I will unleash a malicious revenge campain on her!

Zero Dignity

I appear to have a not-so-intelligent conversation about boobs about once a week:

Me: Anna's boobs are huge; they look like floatation devices.
Friend: Where did that come from?
Me: Well, they do! Maybe you shouldn't tell her I said that...
Friend: You know what would be nice? If our boobs really could float!
Me: You're right! It'd be a nice adaptation to be able to naturally float.
Friend: Buoyant boobs...this is an especially weird conversation.
Me: Hey! You took my weird observation and turned it into a weird fantasy!

In other not-so-significant news, what the hell are they making Kate wear for season 6? Her pants are atrocious. Is she a court Jester? An employee of the Joker? A roadie for Kiss?

And why does her hair look like hairspray'ed roadkill that's too large for the rest of her body? Perhaps it's because someone needs to force feed her? I'm totally not trying to trash her; I just want her to look healthy so I can be in lust again. Is that so wrong?

They used to put effort into her hair (and by "effort," I mean "massive amounts of time and product.") And I could be wrong, but her cheeks used to have more meat to them.

Whatever.

AHH! No More Lame Duck Watch!

I have a weakness for crime dramas. I've seen almost every episode of Law and Order SVU and CSI Las Vegas.

I love watching the sexy, smart characters follow the clues, interrogate suspects, and pull out their weapons as they try to find the bad guy. I love the cerebral , objective legal and crime scene lingo. I love the plot twists, and I love feeling like a total idiot for not seeing them coming.

Lastly, I love the usually dark, ironic endings. I find them oddly comforting.

So apparently there will be some crime drama-goodness in season 6 of The L Word. AAAAND! Lucy Fucking Lawless plays a detective!!!! Yaaaay!

And apparently a character will die? I'm not sure how I feel about this since they stupidly killed off a great character. If they kill Alice, Shane, or Bette, I will scream. I'll feel bad if it's Tina, especially since she redeemed herself and has a daughter. Max, Jenny, and Jodi are mostly meaningless to me.

There is a lot to look forward to in January: a new year, a new president, the hopeful return of Kelka, and the hopefully awesome denouement to The L Word.

Oh. My. GAY.

zomg zomg! Lucy Lawless (aka Xena) is going to be on The L Word's last season! I totally squealed and did an unsightly happy dance when I read this.

It's like I died and got an infinite supply of vegan ice cream to go with my bottomless stomach whilst in heaven.

Everyone I know has given me shit for liking that show during my childhood (and by "childhood," I mean all through high school). Well I don't care! I love Xena! And this is the place for me to declare my dorky, socially unacceptable love!

Woooooooo!

Pulling Back

• Right now, my role models for healthy, long-term relationships are both gay: KC and Elka and Keith and David from Six Feet Under.

• I suddenly want to re-watch The L Word seasons 1-3. I want to be enamored with Shane and hopeful for TiBette and aww at Alice and shake my fist when they kill off Dana.

• I'm pissed off that I can't blog here like I used to.

• I feel like a man hater right now; it's been a long time since I've felt this way. But I'm not going to deal with that feeling by pretending I'm a lesbian or by stereotyping men.

When L Word Nomenclature Goes Wrong

Dusty
Angus
Winnie Mann
Papi
Phyllis
Ivan Aycock
Max Sweeney

Phyllis+ Alice=Phallis
Papi+Kit=PapKit
Paige+Shane=Pane
Lara+Dana=Lard

When L Word Fashion Goes Wrong