God damn Prop 8

I'm all for trying to see the good in peope, but I've gotten to a point where it doesn't really surprise me when someone is mean, stupid, bigoted, irrational, oppressive, manipulative, etc. It's statistically inevitable to encounter someone like this.

But Prop 8 passing is disappointing. To go out of your way to re-oppress people who just gained a liberty they shouldn't have to fight for...well, that's a downer. It's also embarrassing.

I wonder how many of those who voted for it are really just shamefully queer on the inside.

So now Ellen and Portia and thousands of other gay marriages are annulled?

This goes back to the idea of the Should Nots and their anti-life paradigms. I'm so outside the realm of any organized religion that I forget about how it's mostly about controlling people and keeping them guilty, limited, and/or unhappy because they don't conform to this One idea of how people Should be.

Blah. Rant over. At least the President-elect doesn't seem like a bigot. And, on a lighter note, I had a lot of fun teaching some cute grade-schoolers how to pronounce, "President Barack Obama" yesterday.

Analyze Not

I was having a lovely lunch with my friend "Loretta," and she asked me if my blogging here has slowed down because I've worked out my issues with being queer. I guess in a way I have: I no longer feel such a strong need to analyze and categorize every gay thing that passes through my big, dense head. I'm just like, Meh, I'm a big homo today...run with it!

I really don't care about the gender of the person I date or pursue in a serious way. I tend to go for guys because there are more to choose from, and I have had more practice interacting with them. If that makes me a "sellout," then whatever. I remember KC saying something along the lines of, "If you're 51% straight, then be straight. It's a hell of an easier life."

I'm not always one to choose things because they are easy. And if I ever did meet the right girl, then I would pursue that to its logical and emotional conclusion regardless of the shit I might have to deal with. And I'll always identify as tomboy'ish. But the truth is that I feel more alienated from the world when I'm gay. And, if I can help it, I would rather avoid that. Some might call this cowardly.

I guess it's just bisexual privilege. It's a right that gay people don't have, and a part of me will always sympathize with the stereotypical lesbian hatred of bisexuals. After all the bitching I have done about being bi, I might as well acknowledge the fact that it enables me to align myself to the majority.

I could label and judge myself, but I have better things to do.

The Gender Game in Gmail Chat

My male friend and I have always enjoyed bickering with each other over the years:

Friend: most women are horrible lays.....and even less can give decent head
me: that's pretty subjective
Friend: well all of this is subjective. I reached that conclusion from asking multiple men
me: it's not as subjective as the fact that men take forever to learn vagina!
dick is so easy
there are only two directions to go in
if a girl can't give head...she's an idiot
Friend: that attitude, is precisely why majority of women can't give decent head..they think it's just a case of mouth over penis
me: ??? why would they think that?
Friend: statistically, approx 5% of women can actually give good head
me: oh fuck you
as if you know
Friend: what do you mean 'as if I know'
me: you'd have to have been with all the women to know that
Friend: no statistic in this world is exhaustive, we go off samples, and that's what I did. OUT OF ALL the guys I've asked, only THREE have given me a number that's above 5
me: yeah, and did they finish?
me: men finish more than women. that says it all
Friend: I'd have to disagree. it doesn't say it all. a woman requires great sex to finish, a guy doesn't
me: ahhh. interesting
Friend: point being, that finishing is a big deal to women, because it implies great sex...for guys it doesn't
me: finishing is a big deal to women b/c it doesn't happen as often!! so mediocre sex for men is great sex for women
Friend: that's BS
me: lol
Friend: great sex is what's important. if 'finishing' was what mattered, why even talk to women, I could go to the bathroom and 'finish' in the next meeting
me: ok i see your point
Friend: I personally have on occasion had much better sex without 'finishing', then on the multiple occasions when I have.
me: did you like the girl?
Friend: don't remember her name or even exactly what she looks like
me: okay then

me: i do understand why guys get laid b/c most girls are straight. but i don't understand b/c girls can be more work in my experience
Friend: ha ha...that's so true. most guys over the age of 25, that have actually been active in the game, are usually so fed with the crap they have to do to get laid
me: yeah, well. it could be worse
Friend: how so?
me: you could be a gay girl trying to get laid
Friend: LOL LOL LOL LOL
me: it's true. the numbers are against the queers
Friend: that's true. what is your opinion on the assertion that 80%+ of women are at least bi-sexual?
me: there are seem to be more bi girls than guys i think
Friend: but do you think it's over 50%?
me: it's definitely possible...there are different ranges of bisexuality
me: by the way, i identify as bisexual. in case you didn't pick up on it by now
Friend: hmmm...I didn't know that...so you've been with a woman before???
me: you're turning all pervy!
Friend: ha ha.....what do you expect???? You don't tell a guy about girl/girl action and expect a nonchalant reaction!!!
me: what, did you think i'd give you details? i actually like girls emotionally too
Friend: A guy can hope
me: i'm not a "make out in front of a guy" bisexual
Friend: ohh..it's like serious. as in you would be in a long term relationship with a girl
me: yes. i would. sorry to burst your bubble
Friend: how have you 'burst my bubble?'
me: i dunno...girls holding hands isn't as exciting as girls fucking
Friend: but if they're holding hands, it still means that when the lights go off.......you know the drill
me: *rolls eyes

Where You At?

Me: is california more gay like everyone says it is?
Friend: yep and that's why they had the wild fires there
Friend: it was god smiting us
Me: haha!
Friend: oh...i don' t know if it's any gayer
Friend: i mean san diego has hillcrest
Friend: which is the gay part.. like boystown
Friend: and la has west hollywood
Friend: but i think people are just way more laid back in general there
Friend: so even if people don't like it..they're too lazy to do much about it
Friend: but there's definitely still opposition there too
Friend: it's not just easy breezy..but it's better than podunk illinois
Me: oo, i could tolerate a lazy homophobe
Me: in season 3 of the l word they make midwesterners look like flannel-wearing hicks
Me: and LA as LESBIANVILLE
Friend: well don't you wear flannel
Friend: haha
Friend: i do wear flannel pajama pants on occasion
Me: that's different
Friend: they're pink, haha
Me: haha, pink flannel

Just Like Everybody Else Does

Sigh, there was a girl I liked. She liked me too. We clicked and had potential. But she wanted me to be 100% out, and it's not a wise option for me at this point. She made it an ultimatum, so now she's gone. I feel endless rage at the fact that hiding has to be a survival tactic.

I sorta feel like Season 1 David in Six Feet Under. She definitely is like Keith about her orientation: she's blunt and makes no apologies. I respect that, but it's a very black-or-white view to just expect someone to leap out of the closet all at once. I do see where she's coming from though.

I try to keep this blog somewhat entertaining and interesting (and not too personal), but I don't have the energy for that at the moment. Perhaps in a day or two.

"Fatherhood has turned you into a dithering idiot."

I'm starting to think I have some issues with breeders. Not necessarily straight people, but people who choose to have babies. But most people who have babies happen to be mostly straight people.

Disclaimer: I do have maternal instincts! I smile at cute babies in public (until they start crying). I enjoy playing and bonding with kids at most ages. I understand the joy in caring for and helping youth, and if you created those youth, then that joy must be unimaginable to someone who isn't a parent. Hell, I felt happy when Miranda decided to not abort her child on "Sex and the City." She wanted a child and seemed like a potentially competent parent. (Too bad her son Brady turned out to be a not-so adorable baby).

And it must be special to create another human being with someone you love. I will also admit that I can see myself as a parent. I only get brief flashes of mental images, but I acknowledge that it is a possibility.

However, it's a possibility that I don't want. And I hope that my biological clock doesn't change that. I don't want to give exorbitant amounts of time, money, and energy to another human. It needs to be a completely selfless act, and such an act clashes with several of my goals.

I guess I just question people's motives for having children with quite a bit of cynicism:

• The idea of wanting something to care and love for sounds codependent; care and love should first go to oneself.
• The idea of wanting a younger version of yourself sounds egotistical; children are entire other human beings with minds of their own, and they weren't created so they could be fashioned in another's likeness.
• The idea of wanting a child to give you purpose in life sounds pathetic; children shouldn't be used to be lived through vicariously or to fill voids.
• The idea of perpetuating one's blood so one's family can continue to make its mark on the world sounds presumptuous to me; do people stop to think whether their genetic code and values could help the world?
  

Not all parents operate from these faulty premises; there are competent, rational, and nurturing parents out there. But, in my opinion, they are outnumbered by the incompetent, irrational, and selfish parents.

I don't like how having children is considered the way to "mature" when people can have children for immature reasons. I'll admit that I look down on the idea of reproducing because it's biologically imprinted in most people and because it's a goal that is reinforced with heterosexist programming. People can be judged for not having children: women can be seen as "barren" and men can be seen as "unwilling to settle down."

I like how it was put in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" by Toula, the main character: "There are three things that every Greek woman must do in life: marry Greek boys, make Greek babies, and feed everyone. " And I like how she explains family occasions:

So, what happens is my dad and uncles, they fight over who gets to eat the lamb brain. And then my aunt Voula forks the eyeball and chases me around with it, try to get me to eat it, 'cause it's gonna make me smart. So, you have two cousins, I have 27 first cousins. Just 27 first cousins alone! And my whole family is big and loud. And everybody is in each other's lives and business. All the time! Like, you never just have a minute alone, just to think, 'Cause we're always together, just eating, eating, eating! The only other people we know are Greeks, 'cause Greeks marry Greeks to breed more Greeks, to be loud breeding Greek eaters.

Furthermore, parents can have such a strong impact on their children. They can teach them bigotry, self-hatred, and dogma. They can project their own emotional baggage onto their offspring. I know that it's a radical, presumptuous, and unrealistic idea, but I do think there should be parenting licenses. If people need to take a class and pass some tests to learn how to drive (so they don't hurt other people on the road), then why shouldn't potential parents prove that they won't endanger their children with destructive ideas and abuse?

Pro-life people want to protect babies who haven't been born yet, but what about protecting babies from parents who could hurt their children in other ways? Some children spend their lives trying to unlearn the crap their parents instilled in them.

I know I'm being very negative and cynical. I know that defining parental fitness would be very hard in America considering all the cultural differences. And I know that such social controls contradict America's ideal of freedom and diversity.

But a girl can dream.

Here's a random bit of a conversation I had with Kelkian:

ShaneMo: the world should be 90% gay and 10% straight
CAGirl: and there should be parenting licenses
CAGirl: haha, you are my people!!!!
ShaneMo: ;-)
CAGirl: "What the world should be" by us
ShaneMo: indeed!
ShaneMo: i'm bi, and i don't get why heterosexual sex is revered as the archetype
ShaneMo: all it does is lead to more babies that most ppl can't take care of or raise properly
CAGirl: I am bi as well...and couldn't agree more! I think that when we are babies we should all be made so that we can not procreate...once we reach a suitable age, and pass the required tests, then the procedure is reversed and we are allowed to have children.
ShaneMo: haha!
CAGirl: :-)
CAGirl: I mean....I am not overly opinionated!
ShaneMo: yeah, i gotcha
ShaneMo: i'm usually not. but every now and then, i just get this wave of disgust for the breeders
CAGirl:haha, ok...I lied i usually am too opinionated....but still very open minded!
ShaneMo: LOL

"Gay girls luuv cats. That is SO gay!"

I realized that I need my "gay fix" on an almost daily basis: I need to check SloGreenX's blog, I need to listen to some Kelka, I need to maintain this blog, etc. If I don't, then I feel off center and like everyone else in the world is straight. Right now I have two queer friends that I hang out with in person. I'm working on increasing that number; I don't exactly have a shortage of het friends. I know there's a lot more to a person than their sexual orientation, but I just want a balance of friends to express all facets of myself with.

In an attempt to get a free, convenient "gay fix," I watched "Mulholland Drive." And, being the idiot that I can be, I confused David Lynch (the director of "Mulholland Drive" with David Fincher (the director of "Fight Club"), so I expected it to be good. The plot mostly confused me, and I might have been willing to watch it again if the lesbian storyline wasn't aggravating. It came out of nowhere, and it wasn't very believable. But it still made me want to cry (gay woman falls for straight woman who messed around with her and then flaunts her heterosexuality in gay woman's face).

A few days later, I saw "But I'm a Cheerleader." This is an awesome film! It's hilarious, realistic, and sweet. And Clea DuVall is totally growing on me; she looked pretty yummy in that black, collared shirt (this sentence is responsible for the "I'm SO queer tag" for this post).

Loud and Proud, Motherfuckers

So I went to the Pride Parade. It was very crowded. My second favorite part was watching all the hot gay guys dance in scantily clad "outfits" And by "outfits," I mean "panties."

My favorite part of it all was being surrounded by queers and non-homophobes. It was very theraputic.

All the loud music and screaming gave me headache though. And inching back to the el while having my personal bubble get popped by a plethora of bodies wasn't fun.

But I'm so glad I went.

Three Things...

I haven't done a survey in years, so here goes:

Favorite colors:
1. royal blue
2. the combination of black and pink
3. green

That scare me:
1. Big, ugly bugs.
2. Feeling completely out of control.
3. Feeling completely disconnected from the world.

That I don't understand:
1. Why it's so wrong to swear..words are just arrangements of sounds. It's the meaning behind them that can be offensive.
2. Why most people are mostly heterosexual.
3. How people manage to create brilliant works of art.

Current favorite TV shows:
1. "Six Feet Under"...I'm on season 2, and I'm still enjoying the writing
2. "Curb Your Enthusiasm"...so fucking hilarious!
3. "Oz"...it's so raw

Current favorite films:
1. "Closer"
2. "Fight Club"
2. "The Big Lebowski"

Current favorite bands/musical artists:
1. Bonobo
2. Peaches
3. *cough* Justin Timberlake *cough*

That are good about my personality:
1. Attentive, sincere listener
2. Pretty witty
3. Articulate

That are bad about my personality:
1. Can be too critical/judgemental
2. I can think too much.
3. I can take sarcasm too far without knowing it.

That I like about my body:
1. Relatively petite but relatively curvy
2. Soft/cuddly
3. Eyes

That I dislike about my body:
1. Facial structure
2. My thick hair can be dictated by the humidity, and sometimes de-poofing products can only do so much to prevent an afrosphere from emanating around my head
3. I'm intolerant to several foods/ingredients, and it can be a pain

Words that I say the most:
1. uh
2. fuck
3. bullshit

Things you wish you could do all day:
1. Write
2. Get cardio-induced endorphin rushes
3. Be in bed with someone I care about

Physical features in females that I find attractive:
1. doesn't need tons of make up to be pretty
2. hair that's flatter and straighter than mine
3. relatively slender figure

Physical features in males that I find attractive:
1. GOATEE...guys who look good with facial hair melt my panties off
2. dark hair with blue or green eyes...yummy
3. broad shoulders

That I'm weak for:
1. beautiful interracial people...if I do make babies, they will definitley be mixed
2. watching entire seasons of TV on DVD
3. chocolate

Things that you look for in a partner:
1. complementary personalities...we gotta be able to make each other laugh
2. similar principles...that we both are working towards following
3. intelligence

That piss me off:
1. bigotry/closemindedness
2. how programmed we all are
3. PMS

I can't live without:
1. My iPod
2. the internet
3. Whole Foods

Male celebrities I want to fuck:
1. Wes Bentley
2. Christopher Meloni
3. Clive Owen (if I could pick four, I'd include a younger Dylan McDermott)

Female celebrities I want to fuck:
1. Carly Pope!!
2. Zhang Ziyi...the way she was in "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"
3. A less anorexic, non-collegen injected Keira Knightley...she was super cute in "Bend it Like Beckham" (if I could pick four, I'd include a younger Lisa Marie Presley)

Pet peeves:
1. People who make you do all the work in the conversation..if you
want to talk to me, then you have to engage me too!!
2. People who interrupt and talk just to hear themselves speak
3. Drunken straight girls who make out for horny guys' benefit.

Superpowers you want:
1. That I could morph my body to express how I feel in any particular moment
2. That I could fly
3. That I could control the weather

Wishes:
1. I want a remote control to life
2. The world should be 70% gay, 15 % bi, and 15% hetero
3. People need to acquire parenting liscenses before reproducing

Things people wouldn't expect from me:
1. In spite of all the bitching I do about breeders, I think it can be cute/hot when I see a guy carrying a baby on his chest or back
2. People know me to be a slightly uptight health nut, but every now and then, I need to drink a bit too much and shake my ass to airheaded pop music
3. I used to be addicted to "Seventh Heaven," but I'm proud to say that I've been clean for about four years now.

Goals you wish to achieve:
1. Return to a state of sustainable physical fitness
2. Write something that gets published
3. Financial independence

Get Your Lesbian Feet Out of My Shoes!

So I've never pretended to not be attracted to men. For example, when I was watching the marathon of America's Next Top Model, I won't deny imagining what sex with Nigel Barker would be like (how can you go wrong with a half Indian, half British mix?...mmm). But last night, I hung out with friends at a few bars, and I was watching all these girls pining over attention from attractive and not-so attractive males. And I just didn't get it. I'm definitely in gay mode right now because all I kept thinking was, "Why are there so many straight people?" I just felt this huge, sudden disconnect with heterosexuals and the heterosexual side to me.

I don't know. Everything about males strikes me as so easy, and this element has become somewhat of a turn off for me. Testosterone has ensured the fact that male attention will always be easy for females to get. And the male genitalia isn't exactly complicated to figure out. I know I'm being very stereotypical right now, but men can feel like different species at times. And, in this moment, I don't quite get why a woman would want to try to connect with another species. I'm well aware that men are capable of being more than just testero-creatures. I have had strong, deep connections with two men in my life, and I still feel this gap between myself and the heterosexual paradigm.

And suddenly, yesterday, I missed my ex-boyfriend and thought that maybe I made a mistake when I refused to stay friends with him after breaking up with him. I thought maybe we should try to slowly forge a close friendship now that we disposed of the sexual tension. I felt like I could deal with the fact that he quickly replaced me with another intelligent woman who is a better match for him than I was.

Hmmmm...

The walls are closing in

Dear Self,

Make more queer friends! You are going a bit insane with the lack of gay people to talk to.

Sincerely,
You

Concerning Breeders (Part 1)

Heterosexuals can be annoying.

Yeah, I'm part-hetero, but I still have days when I find the breeders irritating.

I wonder how many people really are bisexual or homosexual. Obviously, the vast majority of the world's popoulation is heterosexual, but how many people would express their non-heterosexuality if society didn't operate based on the heterosexual assumption? The truth is that homosexuality is denounced and heterosexuality is pervasively reinforced by societal and religious programming. The gay and bisexual people that do come out of the closet are the ones who 1) are in tune with what their sexual orientations are telling them, and 2) are brave enough to deviate from the hetero norm.

But what about those people who, say, aren't quite straight and aren't quite bi? Or the people who are bi? Or the gay people who don't at all look like the stereotypical lumberjack lesbian or flamboyant fag? Do they suppress their homosexual desires to fit in?

I don't hate straight people or men. I'm not seething with rage and bitterness. But there are times when I feel some aggravation with various social and legal heterosexual privileges:

1) They don't have to go through a process of acknowledging, understanding, accepting, and defending their sexuality.

2) They are far more likely to be able to safely assume that the person they are interested is heterosexual; they don't really need "straight-dar."

3) People don't question why they're heterosexual. People don't blame it on sexual abuse or a dysfunctional relationship with a parent.

4) No one opposes their right to reproduce regardless of the fact that most people aren't psychologically or financially stable enough to be decent parents.

5) No one opposes their right to get married.

6) They don't have to face demeaning remarks, behaviors, or stereotypes for wanting to fuck someone of the opposite sex (even though men and women often think of sex very differently).

Most organized religions consider gay sex to be immoral, dirty, unholy, etc. Well, what good has heterosexual sex done for humanity? At least gay sex doesn't lead to teen pregnancies, accidental pregnancies, and abortions (I'm pro-choice, but that doesn't mean that I'd want myself or anyone in the position of having to get an abortion because it can be a difficult choice to make). At least gay sex doesn't make incompetent people into unfit parents. At least gay sex doesn't lead to unwanted children who flood public school systems with loads of emotional baggage that underpaid teachers have to manage.

I'd venture to say that a dick in a vagina has done more global damage than a dick in the ass. So I really don't get why heterosexual sex is revered as the sexual archetype.

Maybe I'm just aggravated because most females want the wedding dress, husband, kids, baby showers, etc. ad nasueum. And I don't entirely understand that.

A few thoughts for later

• I am bisexual (and I've unsuccessfully tried to entertain the idea that I'm just gay or straight). And I don't particularly want to date a bisexual because I've internalized the stereotype that being bi means you're indecisive, and you'll eventually end up with men. And yet I know that there's a very good chance that I won't want a man to be my life partner.
  

Hmm...ironic? Hypocritical?

• I just remembered when I was in 6th or 7th grade, I had a few ideas for remedying the world's overpopulation:

• 1) Put piranas in the pools of the rich
• 2) Make all men be gay for a year

I guess I've always had a bit of contempt for the breeders.