Queen

I do not like the word "cocksucker." It's generally used to insult men; this gives it a homophobic implication.

Furthermore, I am a cocksucker. An enthusiastic one. This is in spite of the accuracy of this statement (courtesty of Samantha Jones):

You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothin'.

I'll always love me some Sex and the City.

Boy told me I should use it to take ownership of this insulting word. Kind of like how Dan Savage encouraged people to begin their letters to him with a "Hey Faggot!" This way the word becomes less offensive.

So, I signed out of an e-mail to him with the words, "Your cocksucker, [Name].

It's small, but it's something.

So Fuckin' Lucky

Anyone who knows me personally knows that I've had tons of surprising and significant experiences this year. And I hope I've done these experiences justice by learning what I can from them.

There is too much to be grateful for. I seriously am one lucky bitch. So here's a list (in no particular order) of what I'm (perhaps overly) grateful for:

My mind's ability to be resilient, receptive, and ridiculous (can you tell I like alliterations?).

My beautiful, brilliant friends who provide me with laughter, insight, and emotional support.

My helpful family.

My body.

Conversations that effortlessly last for several hours.

Our sane, sexy, and smart President-elect.

Funny people who crack me up and happen to be queer (Kelka, Dan Savage, Wanda Sykes, Riese, Portia on Arrested Development, Ellen and her dorky-ass style of dancing).

Funny people, regardless of their orientation.

TV on DVD.

Six Feet Under.

Good food and good wine.

The few people who have vicious things to and/or about me (who else can help you to grow a thicker skin or to improve yourself?)

Those moments when I'm driving and one of my favorite songs comes on the radio.

Those moments when a friend says exactly what I was thinking.

The fact that I don't walk around carrying a complex about any facet of my identity anymore.

The fact that I got to "know" KC and Elka via their much-needed, laugh-till-it-hurts podcasts.

The fact that season 5 of The L Word didn't suck.

I think I'll stop there. Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy-Go-Lucky Part II

I wish I could fully explain my state of mind as of the past few weeks. There's so much I don't particularly care about: what people think of me, how I look, if I'm pleasing my family, what career to pick, etc. This isn't to say that I'm walking around like an unkempt hobo/hippy, but I'm just keeping things simple.

A lot is just rolling off my back, and I'm content to just enjoy the moment and the day as it is. It's like every moment (no matter how painful, boring, or disappointing it is) is an opportunity to learn and grow. It's pretty fuckin' liberating.

I kinda wanted to make this energy contagious when I hung out with my friends this weekend, but I was not successful. Instead, I noticed girls finding ways to indirectly express their insecurities; seeing through people can be a bit of a curse. I wanted to tell them that they don't need to feel inadequate over some subjective bullshit. And I found myself being judgemental for a short while.

I had a lot of fun, and we had some good laughs. But I wanted them to feel as free as I feel. But I then realized that I have to learn to accept people as they are. I cannot impose my ideas on them. I may have good intentions, but I'm also being selfish and trying to change people to be more like me.

Maybe it's not that different from the Should Nots who try to convert gay people to heterosexuality via prayer. Or the Should Nots who only consider a marriage between a man and a woman is legit.

Happy-Go-Lucky Part I

It's like you couldn't pay me to stay unhappy for long.

I've been having a lot of probing, engaging, and enjoyable conversations with new, different people lately. Some I often disagree with. But I'm the type of person who can't stop re-reading, editing, and re-writing my view of existence, so I'm learning a lot. This year has provided me with a lot of valuable lessons, and every mistake I've made has been goldmine-worthy.

Furthermore, my life is nowhere near where it Should be for someone my age, and I don't just mean this because I'm a Xena-loving queer. There are a lot of things that are "wrong" with my life, but I just can't see them as anything but "right" anymore.

All of these experiences have me thinking about a broader definition of what it means to be queer. I've always seen it as an umbrella term for all the gays, trannies, and anyone who drastically functions outside the traditional social constructs that dictate sexuality, gender, roles, etc.

But now I think of a queer as someone who questions everything, particularly the religious and secular cults that blatantly and subtely control people. These cults operate by keeping people feeling deficient; they convince people that they need to have the ideal Career, Spouse, Body, etc to be happy.

In the broadest and most idealistic sense, to be queer is to be free, happy, and perhaps most importantly, to be queer is to simply be yourself, no matter how much of a freak you might be. But being a skeptical (and possibly mistreated) minority and being happy don't always go hand in hand. I used to be a rather grouchy skeptic, and now I feel more happy-go-lucky.


Even with disappointments like Prop 8 and Prop 102 passing. I definitely ranted to my friends, and my friends ranted to me. It's depressing and disgusting. And it's going to take more work, time, fighting, and funding before marriage equality becomes a prevalent right in this country.


But when it comes to people who go out of their way to control, oppress, and demean you, the best way to fight back is to go on and be as free, expressive, and impervious as is respectfully possible.

Sure, homophobic people will try to brainwash kids into feeling ashamed of being gay. But there's more information out there. There's more gay shit on TV, in the news, and in our government. But anti-gay movements can only go so far to change who people are and how they feel.

Maybe I sound vague and naive, but some other ideas are forming....

Patriotic

YAY Obama whooped ass! Yay, we don't need to have bigoted, one-sided idiots in charge anymore! Yay, our economy is in more solid hands! Yay, our president isn't a homophobe! Yay, our president has hot facial structure and intense, sexy eyes.


OK I'm done. I feel happy, relieved, and proud. Oh, and I totally forgot that Obama is black (well, half black) and that his getting elected makes history for African Americans. I suspect I'm not the only one.

I don't know about Prop 8 results yet, so I'm going to continue with my optimism.

The other day I was telling my friend how great it is to be in a country in which a handsome, articulate, hilarious fag like Dan Savage could be an authority on sexual relations. A sodomite is influencing how people act in relationships and the bedroom.

God bless America

Thank You

I was having one of those lovely, long, liberating conversations with a guy that I'm hoping to at least be good friends with. We speak the same language and have similar goals. It's great so far.

So I was talking for a minute, and when I finished he said, It's like you're not a girl; you're a person.

Ha! He articulated how I have felt my whole life. I've always just felt like a person with thoughts who has some girly and boyish traits. But deep down, I just see myself as a person. I don't want to say genderless because, in a way, that implies a lacking of sorts (or maybe that's only in my head).

I'm just a person, and gender can be irrelevant. It was awesome for someone else to see that in me, especially from a male romantic prospect. I feel almost grateful.

One of these things is not like the other

I used to associate girliness with stupidity. I'm not sure when I stopped exactly, but I know it lasted in my early college days. I remember my friends comparing me to Daria and Darlene Connor from Roseanne.

Somewhere along the line, I slowly broke the connection between these two traits. I started to enjoy more sappy endings. I bought some cheap mascara. I was susceptible to male flattery. And my personality still produced a cynical, cerebral concoction that remains an acquired taste.

But few months ago, someone called me ditzy. I almost took it as a compliment. Not because I have aspirations to be a ditz, but because I'm capable of surprising myself.

Now I will admit that the following recent incidences aren't exactly intellectual cornerstones in my life:

1. Jumping up and down, giggling, and clapping my hands at a party when a bunch of friends showed up
2. Squealing at a Sex and the City movie commercial
3. Routinely checking for cute panty bargains online when I'm piss poor

HOWEVER! I will say that it's even more stupid to suppress a part of your personality just because of some inaccurate, negative connotation. Girlish boys should be girly, boyish girls should be boyish. And people in between should be in between.

If you try to get someone to contradict their psyche, then the result can be forced, awkward, and incongruous.

Taste the Rainbow

(I'm well aware of how lame the title of this post is).

I appear have made a new dorky, giggly friend. She's 100% gay. I think she's even a Gold Star. No, I don't secretly want to get in her pants (even if she is adorable).

I just don't have any fully gay friends; they're all bi and mostly waiting to pounce on the right girl--if she ever comes along.

Yes, yes, I know I sound like some dumbass scientist. It's not like she's the last panda in the zoo. But monosexuals kinda fascinate me on some level. And to know a queer monosexual could give me some different perspectives.

I know that when you get to the core of things, relationships have pretty much the same issues and complications regardless of gender. And there's more to a person than their orientation. But still. I'm like an admissions officer at a liberal arts university: I like diversity.

Pulling Back

• Right now, my role models for healthy, long-term relationships are both gay: KC and Elka and Keith and David from Six Feet Under.

• I suddenly want to re-watch The L Word seasons 1-3. I want to be enamored with Shane and hopeful for TiBette and aww at Alice and shake my fist when they kill off Dana.

• I'm pissed off that I can't blog here like I used to.

• I feel like a man hater right now; it's been a long time since I've felt this way. But I'm not going to deal with that feeling by pretending I'm a lesbian or by stereotyping men.

[Heading]

• Yaaay! Gay marriage is legal in California! That's yet another reason to move there. I may or may not have squealed when my friend told me that Ellen and Portia are getting married. Awww!
  
• After seven weeks of seeing a dude, I finally had to put up with shit that I would never have to put up with if I was seeing a girl. I'm not sure if it's fair to compare, but it's the truth.
• Sadly, I'm not impervious to males. A part of me wishes I was impervious to at least one gender; it's more simple that way. Meh, whatever.
• I feel like my sexual orientation is fluid and adapts to the reality of its options. If there were more gay people, then I'd be more of a practicing homo than hetero.
  

Poor Straightey

I've noticed two patterns when my female friends tell me about their boyfriends:

1. They impersonate their boyfriend using an ape-like voice.
2. They bitch about his inability to give them orgasms.

Snippets

This is from two years ago:

Me: I think I want to slowly become more girly.

Friend: Does this mean no more lightsaber duels?

Me: Oh fuck no! There will always be lightsaber duels. And I'll still watch Batman: The Animated Series

Friend: You rock.

Damn straight.

This is from two days ago (different friend):

Friend: I didn't like American Beauty

Me: Mmmm Wes Bentley. Mmmm Kevin Spacey.

Friend: Hah, you and your old man crushes.

Me: Shut up! Kevin Spacey is attractive!

Friend: I mean, mine are worse...like Anthony Hopkins and Ian McKellan

Me: Well, you better bring your dildo if you want Ian.

Friend: LOL

Me: And lots of lube!

Friend: lol/gross/mmm

Yeah, we're sick.

Aw

Well now, this is an interesting story with a happy ending.

Read it!

Thinking Out Loud

So my mostly closeted, bisexual friend (whom we'll call...Sally) called me yesterday and told me how she was at a bar (non-gay) with her friends. Everyone was drinking. Some straight-seeming girl started hitting on her, and they made out for a few minutes before the straight girl freaked out and ran away.

Sally freaked out too because she didn't want her friends to see her kissing a girl because the friends she was with didn't know she likes girls too.

Sally then freaked out to me on the phone about her own hypocrisy and state of closetedness: "I felt like I wasn't ready to give up the safety of seeming straight, so I didn't want to tell my friends, so I felt like a superficial hypocrite who hides behind the straight relationship I'm in (her boyfriend was cool with it when she told him about it later; I wonder if he'd be cool with it if she casually made out with a guy), but I don't feel ready to face it all in myself..."

I told Sally she's being a bit too hard on herself since she clearly recognizes her own issues. She should see this experience as an indicator of where she's at in the coming out process and as motivation to take more steps towards the goal of outness and self-acceptance.

I then felt prompted to evaluate my own outness status: about 50% of my friends know. And I just haven't gotten around to telling most of those who don't know. I went out to lunch this weekend with a good friend who I know for a fact isn't homophobic at all, and I thought maybe I should just get it over with. But I didn't know how to work it into the conversation; I'm better at transitions on paper than in person. I then realized that if I really want to share something, then I have to make a point to bring the attention to myself and say what I have to say.

Another thing that occurred to me was how I have a few friends who do know, but when they ask me about my personal life, they refer to it as my "boy life," or they only use male pronouns. It's not a huge deal, but it is kinda annoying. Maybe they forget. But just because I can be straight and have had more straight experiences doesn't mean that straightness encompasses all of who I am. But again, it's my responsibility to assertively point these things out.

I still feel hesitant. I don't always like drawing too much attention to myself in the first place. I don't want to come across as a bitchy, in-your-face person with a permanent rainbow-colored boa on my neck (I clearly prefer coming across that way in blog form); I don't want to make people unnecessarily uncomfortable. Sally expressed the same fear to me, and I told her that people will inevitably encounter uncomfortable experiences that will force them out of their perceptual comfort zones. It's a part of life, and we all have to deal with it.

Therefore, I need to keep my own advice in mind.

Loud and Proud, Motherfuckers

So I went to the Pride Parade. It was very crowded. My second favorite part was watching all the hot gay guys dance in scantily clad "outfits" And by "outfits," I mean "panties."

My favorite part of it all was being surrounded by queers and non-homophobes. It was very theraputic.

All the loud music and screaming gave me headache though. And inching back to the el while having my personal bubble get popped by a plethora of bodies wasn't fun.

But I'm so glad I went.

Take THAT!

Massachussets decided to reject the amendment to ban gay marriage. Thank goodness.

Yay, the United States still has ONE out of 50 states where it's legal for gay people to get married.

I just realized how embarrassing that is.

Huzzah!

Governor John Lynch, of New Hampshire, signed a law allowing same-sex couples the same rights as married couples.

Unnatural? I Think Not

I'm sure most people have heard about the gay flamingos, but I'd figure I'd link to it anyways.

Here's an article about a museum exhibit about homosexuality and bisexuality in nature.

I'm clearly getting a bit lazy about blogging.

This One's Optimistic

My emotional volatitility has subsided. Life's too short to be holding onto negative emotions. There will always be the oppressors and the oppressed, and the real victory lies in letting the bullshit bounce off you.

Green (from SloGreenX) is my hero today. The comment thread that originated from this post cracked me up. I'll let the comments speak for themselves.

I'm becoming a compulsive writer. Blogging has been great; it's helped me engage in meaningful dialogue with people that I wouldn't be able to talk to otherwise. And I should be meeting some new people within the next few weeks. Yay for new, queer-friendly buddies!

I Would Probably Feel This Way If I Was Straight

When I feel down, watching clips of Ellen dancing cheers me up.

She may not be the best dancer, but there's something about her style that keeps me watching. I love how cute and dorky she looks! I hope I can retain such a high cuteness factor when I'm her age.

Here are two more.

Happy Monday!