Incongruous

I really miss KC and Elka all of a sudden. I got used to their absence, but I realized that the amount of gayness in my life has shrunken to an iota, and I will be an active participant in shrinking it further. And I don't mean sex wise. Maybe a part of me wanted it that way, but I feel like I'm neglecting that part of myself.

And all my bi friends, like me, are seeing men. Of course, you can be queer and straight. But, goddamnit, it'd be nice to have more gay friends. Perhaps when I have more time, I can work on this while trying to find a girlfriend.

I'm just going to forego manners for a moment and be bitchy and dramatic: straight people can be annoyingly boring and cliche. Their sense of beauty, fashion, roleplay, etc. gets on my nerves after a while. And they don't have to see how programmed they are because they have most of the power. I wish I could fully fit in that way.

I need to work up the courage to make conversation with Cute Health Foods Store Girl.

I need to get used to feeling incongruous.

The Best Policy

There is a lot of new and renewing love in my life right now. Several opposing parties are reconciling, my friends kick ass, and my boyfriend and I still don't really do things like watch movies because we're so into each other's lips. I'm really lucky to have all of this.

However, I feel conflicted between the desire to make other people happy/be what they want me to be and the desire to simply be myself. Lately, the former desire has felt right for the most part. I feel somewhat less militant about asserting who I perceive myself to be, and I'm happy to please those I care about. But I don't want to turn into a puppet.

I see myself first as a person, and I just happen to be in the body of a female. If one removed the (mostly socialized) pansy, girly behaviors, I could just as easily be the same person in a male's body. I would also still be bisexual. I think many people's identities are inextricably linked to their sex; I don't think I'm one of those people.

However, I never wanted to be a boy (although I think that aside from being expected to make more money and be emotionally sturdy, males have it easier). But I did not enjoy growing up being constantly compared to other girls and having all of the ways in which I don't measure up be shoved in my face. I have made significant strides in getting over all of that, but I suddenly remembered how that sentiment will always sting a little.

I have mostly accepted the fact that when you interact with others, you will rarely get the chance to be yourself 100% of the time. I'm not sure if this is good because it's practical or bad because I'm "selling out."

I also think I have accepted the fact that while being queer is more okay than it used to be, it will always be the minority. The subjective idea of beauty will mostly be in the hands of those who do not appreciate gray.

The desire to not feel conflicted with oneself and with society is a powerful motivator. People who do drastic things to their bodies (e.g. taking hormones and getting sex change surgeries) are really chasing after that sense of congruity and coherence that non-queers take for granted.

I'm glad I don't feel the need to do anything that drastic; I just need to regard compromise and the occasional lie means to a greater end.

Locked

One: I'm starting to feel the desire for female affection come back. I knew it would return. I'm lucky to be with someone that I can talk about it with.

Two: Boyfriend was saying how, as a male, it can get tiring to always be the one on the offensive. When he said that, I made a mental note to try to be more of an initiator. But even when I want to be more aggressive, I find myself a bit frozen, and I hold back.

I'm not like this 100% of the time, and I've had several instances of attacking various people, but it's sort of a default for me to be passive. I'm discovering it's harder to shake than I expected. Stupid unconsciously acquired gender roles.

Three: I want to fuck this singer's voice, as Dan Savage would say.

Four: In this post, I was complaining about some gross blonde chick working at the health foods store I frequent. Well now there's a super cute one working there. Translation: I'm afraid of making eye contact with her. She pulls off this sexy semi mohawk without looking obnoxiously punk'ish or stereotypical. I wanna play with it.

Five: Wahhhh! I'm shy! Wahhh! I'm used to be chased rather than doing the chasing.

Six: Health foods store that I freqent is hiring. Perhaps this is a second chance.

Assessment

If only there was more time for blogging and self-expression. Here are some things I've recently noticed:

1: Collared shirts on girls are a turn on.

2: It takes a lot for me to really like a girl and to fully want her. I check people out all the time, but it's been a long time since I've noticed or known a girl that is that ideal blend of femininity and masculinity that really sincerely moves all of me.

2.5: I feel like my tastes are always changing. Prettiness, while nice to look at, is becoming more and more boring, and I need some physical character to really feel like I want to touch someone.

3: I feel trapped by my body almost all the time, but it's not really in a gender identity disordered sort of way. I'm partly used to it, and I partly feel like this feeling has lodged itself in me. I'm not sure if I'll ever completely extract this subdermal layer of frustration. I need to give paradigm-shifting another try; we can only really change our minds. I was pretty fucking carefree a while back.

4. I've been letting my small, inner housewife out a bit lately: I'm finding satisfaction in cooking for myself and others. It's gratifying to create something from scratch and to crave its taste. It's also gratifying to bring joy to those you care about with what you've made.

BLARGH!

I'll always have a nostalgic, soft spot for 90's type of rock. So when I was listening to the radio and realized that I was bobbing my head to Marilyn Manson's cover of "Sweet Dreams," I had to find the song online.

It was easiest to look it up on youtube first. I found myself repulsed by the video and Manson's style of androgyny. His protruding ribs make me feel ill. I'm sure that's his intention, but...ew. Why must he uglify everything?

In other superficial news, I'm finally starting to get into other Showtime programs besides The L Word, namely Weeds. It's good stuff. And, my goodness, Mary-Louise Parker's big-beautiful-brown eyes are too easy to get lost in. I love her subtlety.

The L Word might overall be the worst show Showtime has aired.

Whatever. Kelka should be returning soon. It's been eight months. Daym.

Bland Menu

I have nothing but petty, superficial complaints.

It's been a long time since I've seen a cute, interesting-looking, not-too-manly, not-too-womanly girl. I can't remember the last time I had a crush that made me feel like a shy, hopeless adolescent.

And to add to this irritation, I saw that Elizabeth Berkely is going to be on the next season of The L Word. Gross! I'm tired of seeing excessively girly girls who wear too much make-up play lesbians. Gimme some cute tomboys. I'm bored, goddamnnit!

Although Alexandra Hedison will come back. That makes up for it. Hot.

Okay, I think girls (gay or straight) talk about (or complain about) boobs just as much as straight guys do. Translation: here is my not-so-intelligent boob-centric conversation of the week....

Me: I really just want my 20's and 30's. I don't know if I want to live in my 40's
Friend: Right. Ew. No.
Me: But if we do live that long, at least our boobs won't sag.
Friend: Mine won't. Yours will.
Me: HEY. No they won't!
Friend: Yours are huge.
Me: They are NOT! I'm a B cup!
Friend: You'll be tuckin' your boobs into your pants when you hit 40.
Me: You haven't seen what mine look like.
Friend: Yes I have.
Me: Not bare!
Friend: Whatever, I have cameras in my bathroom.
Me: It's those double C's and D's that have to worry. The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
Friend: You'll be a size K.
Me: I might just have to flash you one of these days to shut you up.

Riddle Me This

So at the end of Episode 113 of the Savage LoveCast, a guy called in asking why some lesbians find masculinity in women attractive. Why would they go for a "fake guy" when they could have a "real guy"?

I kinda wanted to hear Dan's educated guess, but I can understand why a gay man wouldn't want to speak for gay women. So he invited lesbian listeners to call in with their input for the next podcast. Hmm...perhaps this is my chance to hear my own voice aired in Podcastland!

I obviously cannot speak for everyone, but I think there are some gay women who like masculinity, but they like girly parts and dislike all dick-related dalliances. This implies a separation between gender role expression and anatomy. And, like I've said before, it can be a pleasant surprise to uncover a beautiful feminine body underneath a heap of boyish or gender-neutral clothing.

As for my personal tastes, I don't like extremes in anyone...men or women who are too masculine or feminine don't do it for me because I see them as too one-sided. A bit of masculinity in a woman makes her more three-dimensional and interesting. If she seamlessly combines two opposing hormonal interfaces, then the result is worth purchasing.

Playing with gender can be hot...not just because it's unconventional, but because it's like a bit of a confusing mindfuck that makes less room for labels and assumptions. Granted, there are plenty of styles that one can have, but it gets boring to see girls present themselves so similarly.

Zero Dignity

I appear to have a not-so-intelligent conversation about boobs about once a week:

Me: Anna's boobs are huge; they look like floatation devices.
Friend: Where did that come from?
Me: Well, they do! Maybe you shouldn't tell her I said that...
Friend: You know what would be nice? If our boobs really could float!
Me: You're right! It'd be a nice adaptation to be able to naturally float.
Friend: Buoyant boobs...this is an especially weird conversation.
Me: Hey! You took my weird observation and turned it into a weird fantasy!

In other not-so-significant news, what the hell are they making Kate wear for season 6? Her pants are atrocious. Is she a court Jester? An employee of the Joker? A roadie for Kiss?

And why does her hair look like hairspray'ed roadkill that's too large for the rest of her body? Perhaps it's because someone needs to force feed her? I'm totally not trying to trash her; I just want her to look healthy so I can be in lust again. Is that so wrong?

They used to put effort into her hair (and by "effort," I mean "massive amounts of time and product.") And I could be wrong, but her cheeks used to have more meat to them.

Whatever.

Associations

Okay, so I know people were talking about this a while ago, but Paris Hilton looks significantly more interesting and attractive when she's gettin' her snuggle on with a coupla hot dykes:

Hot!

There's a reality show on MTV in which young women compete to be Paris's BFF. (I always get exposed to the worst of television while babysitting. And, sadly, I don't tell these adolescent girls to change the channel and get sucked in with them). Luckily, the girls and I were making fun of how ridiculous it was.


But it seriously was a car crash moment. I do understand catching a bit of the celebrity worship bug, and I'm guilty of it on occasion. But to watch girls my age and a few years younger get all catty and emotional over wanting to be best friends with a public persona whom they really know very little about is, well, a little disturbing and kinda sad.

But who knows. Paris Hilton could be ridiculously intelligent and talented. Kate Moennig could be a high maintenance cuntface. I'm not going to reduce these people to what they show to the camera.

I'm a little confused as to why this woman elicits such a strong reaction from people, particlarly women. Love or hate it seems. I can see how she could be considered attractive, but she's scrawny and often looks like she just got off a porn set.

Is it jealousy? Thin, Euro-lookin' chick with lotsa money? It's not like she earned that money. Or her looks. I don't see much worthy of respect here.

I'm not sure what my point here is. I guess my inner feminist wants young women to aspire to something more than a spoiled party girl, even if she might be more than meets the eye.

Or maybe I just wanted to have an excuse to post those pics.

You Know You're a Big Queer When...

You spend a solid 20 seconds checking out the woman on the left before noticing the one on the right:


Although Sarah Shahi has a better body than Daniela Sea. And she's obviously a better dancer. So I guess the score is even.

Confessions of a Post-Adolescent Queer Girl

These are pretty random, but they're all queer:

• I look at online FTM communities almost daily. I consider it eye candy. I'm not sure I'd date one, but who knows.

• My ideal girl is a switch in terms of both gender identity and roles. And she'd encourage me to be the same way.

• This isn't much of a surprise to anyone who reads my blog regularly, but I generally (there are exceptions) see boys as toys and girls as relationships. Sometimes I wonder if I'm a sincere bisexual or just bouncing around in an odd grey area.

• I allow my indecisiveness to prevent me from acting at all.

• I occasionally feel afraid of getting physical with someone of either gender and not being into them, even if I like them as a person.

• I used to hate having hips because I felt like they forced me to look...child-rearing. Then I realized that they're just the right size for me in order to express both boy-ness and girl-ness.

• This is one I actually feel embarrassed about: I sort of think Ilene Chaiken can be attractive. The second she opens her mouth, however, my attraction evaporates.
  

• I never feel complete no matter how I choose to present myself: I wish I could physically express all facets of my gender identity simultaneously while still looking coherent. I'm not sure that's possible. Some Hindu deities give it a try, and it isn't exactly a unified look. Oh well. Who said feeling complete is part of existence anyways?
  

Severing the Body From the Mind

Could somebody please explain to me why my gayness percentage is inversely proportionate to the cuteness of the guys I get involved with? In other words, the gayer I feel, the cuter the boys get. And I'm consequently sucked back into hetereoville once again. It's like my sexual orientation will always be the inverse of the reality I can obtain; existence is one big, sick joke.

I haven't emotionally liked a guy since my ex (we broke up about a year ago). I've pretty much just thought of males as "Things With Dicks" since then. (I'm a bitch, and I'm not always a Good Person).

I'm pretty sure this new guy likes me as much as I like him. But I'm not 100% sure. For all I know, he could flake off. The insecure adolescent in me worries that he will (although he'd be an idiot to do so since we have quite a bit in common).

My inner lesbian, however, would be relieved because I can see myself trying to find non-cheating gay escapes if we got serious (e.g. compulsively gawking at pictures of hot boyish and girlish girls in online gay girl communities, re-watching The L Word, listening to KC and Elka 24/7, bitching on this blog more often, etc).

And the more univeral part of me just wants to connect to a new human being, regardless of their gender or if it's even romantic. He has so many qualities that I like and respect.

BUT I WANT A GIRLFRIEND. I know that relationships are relationships, and the gender of your partner doesn't necessarily change much. But why do I feel this way? Am I more gay than straight? It's possible. Do I just want what feels harder to get? Maybe. Am I trying to be different or rebellious? I'm not sure.

Furthermore, I've always wondered if part of why I'm more emotionally drawn to girls has anything to do with the fact that the woman who gave birth to me rarely thinks I meet her Subjective Bullshit Standards of Acceptability. Am I just trying to get the acceptance that I don't get from her? That doesn't sound healthy, and it makes me think that I'd be stupid and superficial for blowing off someone just because they are male.

Once again, I'm thinking too much. I shall try to be lighter and more amusing in my next post.

"You don't understand!"

FTM's fascinate me; I find it so interesting to look at before and after pictures of them. And some of them turn out to be very attractive males. It's like a different layer of androgyny.

And for some reason, I find tranny fags to be super hot. I'm not sure why. In season 5, I'd love to see Max 1) not talk and 2) fuck a guy again.

It's amazing how much they can change their bodies by taking testosterone. At the same time, I wonder if hormones are all that gender really is. It's kind of creepy that the physical expression of an entire gender identity can be distilled into a bottle of hormones. It sort of diminishes the weight that a gender identity can hold.

When Het Fashion Goes Wrong

The contrast in this picture amuses me:


Kate is looking pretty hot, but the woman next to her looks like a scary clown (click image for a more frightening magnification). She's wearing too much make-up, especially with her eyeshadow. She looks plastic. The irony is that she seems pretty, and she'd probably look good with little to no make-up. I hope she isn't gay, because that'd be even worse.

And by "Sunday," I mean "Saturday"

• I've been a lot less judgemental of myself in the respects that I outlined in this post.

• I feel like some of the more recent fashions are for either females with really long torsoes or females who want longer shirts to show their hips. I do not fall into either of these categories. I like my hips; I think they are a good size for me. But I don't want to advertise them either. If someone wants to see them, then they'll just have to get permission. This may or may not be a gender-related issue.

• A classmate took notice to my gay man gestures the other day. She didn't use the words "gay man gestures," but she totally teased me and impersonated how I enthusiastically flicked my hands outwards. The worst part is that I flicked my hands outwards when I said the word "fabulous."

Observe Thyself

Part of the reason why I started this blog was so I could understand and accept myself more. I'm generally very in tune with my interior, but sometimes I miss things. And I've noticed that I still judge myself:

• I judge myself when my sexuality frequently fluctuates; I keep thinking that there's some "right" way to be bi or that I'm bi for the "wrong" reasons. Like I'm just using different people for different purposes.

• I judge myself when I feel straight now! I feel I'm some sort of "hasbien."

• I judge myself when I was to look boyish or indulge in some of my more boyish interests (e.g. films with cool martial arts scenes). And I have a complex over not being comfortable wearing white people dresses 90% of the time.
  

I need to find that place in myself that can just observe and absorb all the parts of me that I consider unacceptable. Because observation is neutral, and I need to dwell in a more neutral place.

"I Can Go With the Flow...Chart"

• I've noticed that I've pretty much convinced myself that I can't really be good friends with a guy. It's based on my experiences: most of my friends are girls, and I tend to feel more comfortable with girls. Furthermore, I've usually had ulterior motives with the males I've befriended, and we usually ended up getting sexual too quickly and consequently preventing a friendship from developing. Maybe I shouldn't completely close myself to the possibility that males can be fun, close friends.

• Also, I've noticed that I've had HORRIBLE first impressions of some of my current close female friends. And somehow we end up going through periods where we're attached to the hip. With males, the connections are usually immediate, and then things move too fast and evaporate shortly thereafter.

• When a girl disappoints me, it usually hits me harder than when a boy does. A friend suggested that maybe it's because girls have higher expectations to be understood by other girls, whether it be platonic or romantically.

• I was listening to the Kelka podcast in which Elka articulates her attraction to androgyny: "I like girls that look like boys, boys that look like girls, and girls that look like girls." I was thinking that I'm similar except that I also like boys that look like boys. I certainly have types, but I appreciate different types of beauty. I think, as time goes on, I'm going to discover that I'm just the eternal switch. God, adolescent repression sucks; it's blowing up in my face now.
  

Observations

• I have to say that sometimes it feels really gratifying to just wear boyish clothes and give a big "Fuck you!" to the standards of femininity. But I'm not trying to say "Fuck you!" to anyone, really. I'm just trying to do what I feel like doing and not worry about what other people think. I want to be my three-dimensional self.
  

• It's interesting to notice how people in public react to me when I dress like a 15 year-old boy. I usually get looks of judgement. At least that's how I interpret it. I guess that's to be expected.

• I've been feeling very BI-sexual lately. Usually I feel just gay or straight. But now, I feel more open to whatever life has in store for me. Although I must say that if I involve myself with a guy next, he needs to be different from the guys I've been with in the past. I tend to basically fall for the same type of guy (white, goatee, overly intellectual, cynical, darkly funny) and have the same type of problems (we don't have enough fun together in spite of our mental connection).

• I think I'm pretty much built for monogamy. When I'm into someone, I don't notice anyone else; however, when I'm not into anyone, then I have the attitude of someone who wants to check off different sorts of experiences from this list that I keep in my head. I guess in that respect I do fulfill the "dirty, indecisive bisexual" stereotype.

• In college, some of my roommates used to make fun of me for making these unexpected "gay man gestures." It sorta became a joke. But sometimes, I'll be talking to someone, and then I'll notice my hand doing this weird thing, and in my head I'm like, "WTF?"

• Sometimes I wonder how obviously gay I am. Even if I'm presenting myself in a feminine way, I feel like my voice and mannerisms give me away. But then, if someone asks me if I have a boyfriend, my internal monologue will be like, "Guh?" I'm overthinking it.
  

TV Talk

I used to be so hooked to "The L Word," even when the show started to disappoint. Now I realize that I sorta forgot about it, and I'm only looking forward to season 5 for new Kelka podcasts. Maybe that's because I've found other TV shows that are so much better (some of which do a much better job of dealing with gay issues). Or maybe the show has only survived because 1) it created such a strong loyalty after the awesomeness of the first two seasons and 2) there aren't a lot of shows with lesbians (although this is changing).

I watched a few random clips on youtube yesterday, and I had some thoughts:

• It's such a cliche now, but I forgot how hot Shane is! How could I forget? Her voice, hair, clothes, demeanor...she's the hottest woman on the planet.
• California University of New Technology? They HAD to have made the acronym for Bette's workplace "CUNT" on purpose.
  
• I miss Alice and Bette. You know you're too into TV when you actually miss characters in the off season.
• My tolerance for watching Daniela Sea "act" is decreasing. She should just model because all she is is nice to look at.
• In spite of the fact that I complain about how the show doesn't represent bisexuals positively, I really do not want to see Alice in a relationship with a man. I mean, she's played by one of the cutest lesbians ever. I think Helena would be a more convincing bisexual.
• On a related note, the show seems to like to play opposites with sexuality. Like Alexandria Hedison and Leisha Hailey are gay in real life, but on the show they're a bit straight.
  
• I want to see Shane, Alice, and Bette in wifebeaters in season 5. And I want Bette back in power suits. Hot hot hot.
• Bette should get some sort of revenge on Franklin (the boss at the CAC who fired her while her father was dying) in season 5. Seriously, her losing her job was a major factor in her break up with Tina.
• Erin Daniels should be in most episodes of season 5.
  
• I sort of just want a fairytale happy ending in season 5: Sharmen should get back together, and they should adopt Shay. Hopefully Carmen's bitchiness factor would decrease. TiBette would work it out. Tasha and Alice would live happily ever after (and be super hot I might add). Dylan should come back to Helena, admit her gayness, apologize, and beg Helena to be with her forever. Max should get top surgery, be happy with it, and settle down with Grace. As for Jenny..I don't give a fuck what happens to the bitch. I will say that I always wanted her and Marina to work it out, but I doubt that'll happen.

Art Appreciation

I know celebrity worship is lame. But I never quite realized the awesomeness of Leisha Hailey until recently. She exemplifies versatility in every sense of the word: she's a talented actor (at both both comedy and tragedy) and musician. On "The L Word," she always takes a normal, everyday line and delivers it so it's hilarious. Not to mention that in real life she's a lesbian, but on "The L Word," she rather convincingly plays a (pseudo-)bisexual. (Ha. Ha).

I also noticed that she's the most versatile with different looks, whether she changes her hair color or style of clothing. I find that super hot. Katherine Moennig, for example, usually looks strange in a dress. And Jennifer Beals would look odd with boy hair. But Leisha can do it all and always be cute.

She can do pretty long hair, dresses, and eyeshadow:



She can also rock shaggy short hair and boys' clothes:



She even looks cute in crappy clothes and emo glasses:


All in all, she is just yummy: