Whore Thyself

After months upon months of waiting and working, my life appears to be heading in the direction that I've been wanting it to.

I've noticed, however, that the buysness has left me with little time for myself and my personal pursuits. I've been spending the majority of my time attending to life's inevitable obligations, pleasing others, and getting bullied. It's been taking a toll.

Furthermore, it's gotten to a point where I'm falling into a pattern of being afraid to be assertive with anyone because the best way to keep the peace is to just give in regardless of how I feel.

Lame. This is unlike me, and it's a step backwards. When did I become so accepting of oppression? Sure, we all have to do things we don't 100% enjoy to survive and compromise, but this is starting to cross a line. I need to treat myself with more respect.

And, for the sake of comedic relief, I'll link to this clip (Shane and Alice's clothes, however, are embarrassing).

Sigh, I miss the joy of listening to a new Kelka podcast. I hope that day comes again soon.

Cutting to the Chase

1. I used to be sporty spice. Now I'm a scrawny, whiny pansy. The thought of working out in a serious way sounds sort of...foreign. I used to love being athletic, and I find athleticism/physical fitness to be a turn-on in both boys and girls. I used to want to compete with guys in gym class and prove that I wasn't just some pushover girl. Now I'm content to just be the weak one.

2. The most acceptable thing your boyfriend can whine about is wanting to lick your clit more. I am one lucky bitch. And any woman who complains that men suck at eating pussy is either 1) a bitter, man-hating lesbian or 2) a bitter straight woman who is with a non-GGG partner.

3. For a while I didn't think I could love a boy as much as I currently love my own. I kinda got locked into the idea that the love between two people of the same sex would be inherently more intense and understanding, even though I've only really been pursuing guys for the past few years now. But now I really see that the gender of the person doesn't matter; a connection is a connection.

4. I'm going to be honest and admit that unintentionally losing 15 lbs and weighing less than what I weighed in high school has me slipping back into old patterns of obsessing over what I eat. I am not out of control by any means, and I have people who've got my back. But there is a danger in losing the taste for things like candy, bread, pasta, etc. There is a danger in "seeing the light" and realizing that these foods are nutritionally unneccessary.

5. I know it's about the desire for control during stressful times. But I also hate having a [predominately] female mental issue. I'm going to have to make a point to bring my mind and body back to a state of balance that appeases both my desire for discipline and my desire for joy.

All Apologies

So I'm in my mid to late twenties. Most of my friends are too. I've been hearing more and more of them say things like, "I thought I would be further along in my life now," or "I feel behind" I've been noticing a lot of feelings of inadequacy over not making enough money, not owning property, or not being in the ideal relationship.

It's kind of depressing. Not only because the people I care about feel dissatisfied with their lives, but because I'm not sure having all of these things is going to guarantee peace of mind/fulfillment. And what happens to one's sense of self when these things disappear/are threatened?

I feel like people want things like marriage and a certain career more for the status these things display than for the enjoyment they bring. I'm definitely not anti-ambition, and I can see myself being married (and even having kids!) if it was right. But it feels like these goals are a bandwagon, and it's a bit of a downer.

No, I'm not going to try to preach that you are the all singing, all dancing crap of the world.

But when I'm really honest with myself, I can't see myself being anything beyond my state of mind in this moment. Life is a series of moments, and I'm afraid of looking back on my life and not appreciating what each moment had to offer.

The irony is that I've been an anxious insomniac with a knot-ridden back. Turning off my mind, relaxing, and floating downstream has been proving to be difficult for me as of late. And I think the source of this anxiety is the desire to push my life forward and achieve some long overdue goals. Maybe this is just imprinted in the human condition.

I can't speak for others, but I suppose I will always be trying to find balance between appreciating and supplicating.

Grin

Since I've been bitchy, I figured I'd share that I finally made the effort to make conversation with Cute Health Food Store Girl. We had some nerdy nutrition talk for about 45 seconds. Sadly, this is a milestone for me.

She's cute. She has a cute smile and a cute voice. She smiled at me. And she looks like she has soft skin. We're soo gonna run away together.

Well, I don't really want that, but it is nice to actually feel this way about a girl. It's been quite a while.

So, if I can use some advanced sleuthing skills to figure out her name (by, you know, asking her), I will actually not feel like a big wuss.

Ooh! And my best friend and I have decided we should go to a gay girl bar together. In spite of her confidence and charisma, girls turn her in an awkward pubescent boy too. We'll take turns taking initiative.

Yay for progress, even if it's in the form of baby steps.