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The Planet Podcast, Episode 403: Lassoed

Kelka are drunk, and it's GREAT. They're discussing the scene in which Max tells a ridiculous lie to avoid going in the pool. KC pulls a "Marco Polo" on Elka and makes a hilarious observation:

KC: Why didn't he just get in the pool?
Elka: Because he has boobs!
KC: I don't understand. Why didn't he just get in the pool?
Elka: [briefly pauses, takes in some air] Because he's a dude, and dudes don't usually fill out a bikini.
KC: You think he's wearing a bikini.
Elka: [irritated] No, I think his breasts are bound.
KC: [cackles]
Elka: [shouting, realizing she's been played] WOULD YOU STOP DOING THIS TO ME!?

KC: Okay, the whole show was awesome, except for this one line that they miswrote. And maybe they didn't miswrite it; maybe Max, or Daniela, is just used to playing Max. But he goes, "I have an ear condition; you know what I mean?" NO, I don't know what you mean? An ear condition?? [laughs]
Elka: "I have this ear problem, you know." Noo, I don't know! What is this ear problem of which you speak?
KC: And what does this make you swat my hand away when I try to unbutton your shirt. [imitates and exaggerates Max's feelings in a self-righteous, defiant tone] "I have an ear condition!!"
Elka: "Don't touch my nipples! My ear my get infected!"

I think Daniela Sea is hot. I thoroughly enjoyed watching her dance in a suit at the end of episode 304. But the second she opens her mouth, she ruins it. She's not an actor, and she was clearly picked because she looks the part and because she's dating Bitch. She needs to stop saying "you know" at the end of all her sentences.

"Gay girls luuv cats. That is SO gay!"

I realized that I need my "gay fix" on an almost daily basis: I need to check SloGreenX's blog, I need to listen to some Kelka, I need to maintain this blog, etc. If I don't, then I feel off center and like everyone else in the world is straight. Right now I have two queer friends that I hang out with in person. I'm working on increasing that number; I don't exactly have a shortage of het friends. I know there's a lot more to a person than their sexual orientation, but I just want a balance of friends to express all facets of myself with.

In an attempt to get a free, convenient "gay fix," I watched "Mulholland Drive." And, being the idiot that I can be, I confused David Lynch (the director of "Mulholland Drive" with David Fincher (the director of "Fight Club"), so I expected it to be good. The plot mostly confused me, and I might have been willing to watch it again if the lesbian storyline wasn't aggravating. It came out of nowhere, and it wasn't very believable. But it still made me want to cry (gay woman falls for straight woman who messed around with her and then flaunts her heterosexuality in gay woman's face).

A few days later, I saw "But I'm a Cheerleader." This is an awesome film! It's hilarious, realistic, and sweet. And Clea DuVall is totally growing on me; she looked pretty yummy in that black, collared shirt (this sentence is responsible for the "I'm SO queer tag" for this post).

"Discuss!"

So I was talking to my friend who also identifies as bi, but she's probably like 75% straight. She had some thoughts that I don't really want to explore, but I figured I'd just put them out there:

blueyedju: dude if i could find any girl who was not either a lifestyle dyke who wanted me for a gf or a little bi-curious airhead
blueyedju: ...well i don't know how to finish that sentence
ShaneMo: lol!!
blueyedju: girls are easy. it's defining who you are with them that's tough.
blueyedju: we have no paradigm to follow
blueyedju: nobody taught us how to love women
blueyedju: we were bred to hate each other
ShaneMo: hmmm, i think guys are easier...usually less maintenance.
ShaneMo: but yes, we are bred to hate girls
blueyedju: that's why the best xx/xx relationships most of us encounter are love/hate
blueyedju: as with our mothers
ShaneMo: oh dear
blueyedju: am i wrong?

TV Potpourri

• I complain more about being bi than I praise it. But one advantage to it is that I can relate to a wider range of people. I can do girl talk about boys, girl talk about girls, boy talk about girls, etc. It's kind of like being someone who has watched both "Friends" and "Seinfeld." I'm generalizing, but the type of people who like the humor in "Friends" are usually different from the type of people who like the humor in "Seinfeld." I appreciate both (but "Seinfeld" is classic comic genius, and I don't always openly admit to have watched several episodes of "Friends").
• I never thought I'd say this, but I think, in some ways, season 3 is better than season 4 of "The L Word." They may have fucked up royally with Dana, and they may have broken our hearts, but at least we cared. Some of us cared about Dana, TiBette's problems, Shane's infidelity, Alice's craziness, etc. In season 4, I didn't give a shit about Papi, Catherine and Helena, Kit and Angus, Bette and Jodi, Shane and Paige, etc. I only really cared about Alice, Bette, and Shane's happiness, and that's because they are what's left of what represents "the good old days."
• So I finished all of "Sex and the City." I plowed through the entire series, and it was great. The way they gave Samantha breast cancer was interesting. I think it was good for her because it got her to slow down with her hedonistic ways, and it made her more vulnerable. The show obviously took a more humorous and realistic spin on it than "The L Word" did. At least Samantha getting breast cancer was more realistic since she's an older woman (although I know that women in their early 30's can get it). The show was able to use breast cancer to spread awareness, get a character to grow, and not kill the season by getting too depressing. What a concept! Hmmmm...HBO should take over "The L Word" and somehow fix it. And the next big gay TV show should follow the rules Riese prescribed for a good gay show.
• I know it's none of my business, but I have this bad feeling that Katherine Moennig is straight. Why else would she keep her sexuality a secret? Someone who can pull off her look (aka The Sexy Queen of Androgyny) and cause ("It's Okay to Be Gay!") would disappoint her fans. The thought of her having sex with a man is so fucking gross and disturbing, especially since she could have her choice of several hot women from around the world. I hope she's at least bisexual. Or that this whole "stay in the closet" thing is a PR tactic or something.

Words For the Oppressed

I happened to find an old, amusing conversation with my ex a while ago, and I meant to post it because the Kelkian and "L Word" references are obvious to the trained eye:

Him: it's like all of the words for homosexual
Him: and vagina
Me: hahahah
Him: no positive slang for either of those words
Me: you have a point
Me: i like saying "gaymo"
Him: gaymo?
Him: what the hell?
Him: it's funny
Me: lol
Him: where does it...come from?
Me: i dunno who i heard it from.
Me: hah you're so perplexed
Him: gaymo?
Me: haha
Him: it's like a thing and not a person
Him: like...gidget
Me: hahah
Him: or gizmo
Him: or a gremlin
Me: kind of sounds like an alien
Him: GAY-mo?
Me: lol
Him: or a pokemon
Him: eeeeew....
Me: blah
Me: i'm sure there's some positive slang for vagina tho
Him: really
Him: positive AND good to say?
Me: hmm
Me: punani
Me: uhh
Him: punani
Him: hahahahaahahahaha
Him: thank you Ali G
Him: for popularizing THAT nonsense
Him: it sounds like a japanese dessert
Me: hahah
Me: a dessert for some
Him: 'ohayo gozaimasu!
punani tabemasu ka?'
Him: so wrong
Me: calcunta
Him: calcunta?
Him: that sounds like 'indian dyke'
Me: hahah
Me: twat
Him: that's like a fruit
Him: a fruit that no one likes
Me: lol!
Me: all right fine, maybe you're right
Him: that's just how I feel
Me: yeah
Me: beaver?
Me: no
Him: it's this weird language thing...like english was created and defined by white hetero men
Me: true
Him: beaver? think about that one for a second
Me: i know i know
Him: hahahahaha
Him: although
Him: 'damn beaver's chewin' up all the poles it can find'
Me: haha!
Him: that's funny
Me: yes
Him: although, the image of matted, wet animal hair
Him: not so much
Me: tongue trap.
Him: ah ha ha !
Me: i'd say pussy is probably the best slang.
Him: I dunno
Him: toungue trap is the one in my book
Me: haha
Me: here's a bad one i heard:
Me: fu fu valve
Him: fu-fu HAHAAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAH
Him: who makes up these things?
Him: abused 7 year olds?
Me: hahaha
Him: pedophile plumbers?
Him: careful mary, I've got to check your fu fu valve
Him: for clogs
Me: lol!
Me: the gays also don't have good terms for when they're essentially married.
Me: "life partner" and "domestic partner" are a mouthful
Him: the gays!
Him: so great!
Him: yes
Him: and just partner is...
Him: vague
Me: yeah
Me: not on the same intimate level as husband and wife
Him: shoot
Him: when I think husband and wife
Him: you know what the next word I think of is?
Me: prison?
Him: ha!
Him: guess one more time
Me: hell, eww, gross?
Him: d-i-v-o-r-c-e

I personally think "pussy" suffices as slang for vagina. I have no idea what should replace "partner." But I applaud whoever does come up with a better word for it.

I would also like to point out that "The Big Lebowski" is responsible for my feeling comfortable saying "vagina." And I also think "beaverpicture" is a great name for a porno (unless its man-on-man porn of course). If you haven't seen "The Big Lebowski," or don't remember the scenes I'm referring to, then promptly go out and rent it!

The "L" Letter

The Planet Podcast, Episode 409: Lacy Lilting Lyrics

Kelka are discussing the end of the episode when Alice and Shane vandalize the billboard of Shane modeling in "boys' panties." And then Elka brought up a hilariously defective billboard:

Elka: Do remember the one billboard on I-25 and it was for a hotel and it was like "Free cable..."
KC: Huh?
Elka:... [laughing] do you remember? It was like, "Free cable, color TV, and free heated poo"?
KC: [laughs] Oh, it was like an electronic one, and the "l" part didn't turn over.
Elka: The "l" was broken, and it was like, "Free heated poo."

If I saw the words "Free heated poo" on a billboard, I'd probably hurt myself from laughing so hard.

Nature vs. Nurture

According to a recent poll, more Americans are believing that homosexuality can't be changed or unlearned. And this percentage has been increasing from 36% to 56% from 1998 to 2007. Of the most recent poll, 42% believe homosexuality results from environment and 39% believe it's genetic.

For me, I'm happy if people think that it can't be changed. Because the notion that it can be changed carries the implication that it should be changed or that reproducing is the purpose of life (*shudder).

The nature vs. nurture issue inevitably comes up with queerness. Like most issues worth contemplating, it's complicated. My opinion hasn't fully formed yet, but here's what I think so far:

1) Everyone is different, and I think everyone develops and discovers themselves at their own pace. This is the result of both nature and nurture. Some people, (e.g. KC) knew they were gay since they were kids (and consequently managed to get other little girls to kiss her on the playground). Others might take longer to figure it out. And others might know it, but repress and/or suppress their desires. With some people, nature may play a more predominant role in their sexuality, and with others, nurture might. It all depends on a variety of unpredictable factors.

2) I fully believe in Kinsey's scale. A lot of people aren't 100% straight or 100% gay. For example, some mostly straight people can potentially fall in love with someone of the same sex, and some mostly gay people can potentially fall in love with someone of the opposite sex. They may not know it because their environment doesn't accept a deviation from the hetero norm, or they may just not have met someone who they'd be willing to join the other team for. There could be several other reasons.

I think a lot of people are, by way of nature, in a grey area, and by way of nurture, they end up being pushed (or pushing themselves) into a category (gay, straight, bi) that's easier to define (although bisexuality still isn't easy to define).

I guess my point is that to label variations in sexual orientation as either nature or nurture is to apply a one-sided mentality that also perpetuates the limiting, binary constructs that define gender and sexual orientation.

*De de de deee!* [Insert "The More You Know" Star Rainbow Here]