Black Plastic Touching Black Plastic

I always felt like these lyrics (to a Ladytron song) were dirty and homoerotic. Or maybe I’m just seeing gay everywhere.

"The L Word" hasn't exactly done the greatest job of exploring transgendered issues with the FTM character of Moira/Max. But there was one thought-provoking, well-written dialogue between Max and Kit in episode 309. Kit expresses her skepticism of Max's desire to get top surgery. I couldn't find a transcript or youtube clip of it, but the conversation went something like this (by the way, this counts as the quote of the day):

Kit: I don't have a problem with it. I'm just worried about you.
Max: Can't you understand? I've just never felt comfortable in this body.
Kit: So removing your breasts and becoming a man will solve everything?
Max: No, I don't expect that. But at least people will be able to see me for who I really am.
Kit: What if I felt white inside, and there was a surgery that could make my skin and features white. Would you encourage me to do that?
Max: I dunno. Do you feel white inside?
Kit: What is white inside? What's male inside? What's female inside? Why can't you be the butchest butch in the world and keep your body?
Max: Because I wanna feel whole. I want the outside of me to match the inside of me.
Kit: You'll be giving up the most precious thing in the world.
Max: What? My tits?
Kit: No. Being a woman.

This scene made me wonder what does it mean to feel male or female inside? And to be honest, I don’t entirely know how to answer this question. The only reference points we have are stereotypical gender roles and characteristics. And those are mostly subjective, social constructs. So what the fuck?

I’ve known guys who can be nurturing, sensitive, emotional, needy and plenty of other characteristics that are stereotypically associated with females. Women can be aggressive, strong, promiscuous, blunt, etc. So the lines that distinguish the two genders are already very blurry to me.

According to stereotypical sexual gender roles, the man fucks and the woman gets fucked. The man is active, and the woman is passive. So do gay men want to be fucked? And do gay women want to fuck? Is that what it all boils down to? I don’t think it’s that simple, and that just clings to heterosexual stereotypes.

I can only speak from my experience and say that I don't feel especially male or female inside. There are times when I feel more feminine and there are times when I feel more masculine. But I've always just felt like a person. Apparently this would make sense because I’m bi?

I don't think I was born in the wrong body the way a transgendered person would. But, when I started to go through puberty and get hips, I thought I was getting fat. And I continued to perceive having curves as an indicator that I was putting on weight; I wanted my body to be a stick. It wasn't until friends in college and my first serious boyfriend indicated to me that this is what is known as "the hourglass figure," and it's apparently an aesthetic body type to have. My reaction was, “Oh. I see. Well then.”

I am okay with being a girl and with having a feminine-shaped figure. But sometimes I wish my body was more like Katherine Moennig’s (not quite as thin though). This relates to a (hopefully) future post on the possible connection between sexual orientation and eating disorders. Did I want a stick-like figure because our fucked up culture emphasizes unrealistic thinness or because I wanted my body to reflect my mental androgyny? It's probably a combination of both.

And as a kid, I felt lame when I was forced to wear a dress; I thought boyish clothes and interests were cooler. When I was about 13, I didn’t like looking girly: I felt uncomfortable and like I was trying to be somebody else. I developed somewhat of a complex for not being able to conform to THE standard of femininity that my parents and society reinforced. It has taken me a while to begin to unlearn this complex.

Do people who transtion feel male or female inside because of how they look? Do they figure that if they already look like the sex that is the opposite of the body they were born in, then they should transition to feel unified? And doesn’t what is socially accepted as “looking female” and “looking male” influence how they see themselves?

For me, I perceive some of my features as being slightly androgynous (I have a few ex’s who disagreed, but I think men are pretty easily blinded by a decent pair of boobs), so I think I look incongruous when I’m in a situation where I have to go the whole nine yards with wearing a dress, getting my hair done, etc.

I guess I’m saying that, for me, my gender identity is formed by a combination of how I feel on the inside, how I look on the outside, and how I’ve been programmed to perceive myself. So, for example, I liked watching Batman as a kid. This is considered a more boyish interest, and I consequently perceive myself as being more boyish.

I feel like I’ve created more questions than answers by writing this. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it does leave me wanting to just know more.