Mini Rants

My moodiness is subsiding somewhat. But still...

I do not like the whole concept of there being a size 0. It sends a destructive messsage. The smallest size should be either a 1 or 2, depending on if the store goes by even or odd numbers. I'm no mathematician, but it should be a number that has a value to it.

I'm also tired of being around stereotypical female insecurity. Luckily I only get the occasional dose of it now. I know it's a part of being human, but it's been annoying me lately. Just, fucking stop comparing yourself to the people you think you Should be like! Stop acting how you think you Should act! Just be yourself. As much you can. Because we're all deriviative in some way anyways.

I finally realized that I do not always equate prettiness with beauty; in fact I mostly equate prettiness with boringness. (This, however, does not mean that I find ugliness attractive). This makes me even more picky. I'm picky about everything: who I spend my time with, what I eat, and now who I jones for.

Blah, I dunno why I've suddenly become so militant again. I need to chill.

Bitchiness Overload

My current emotional state embodies all of the worst in a stereotypical female: bitchy, spoiled, insecure, weak, reactive, etc. My stomach is growling on a timer, I want to make dark chocolate a food group, and I feel ready to verbally eviscerate the next person who even remotely tests my patience--regardless of if they mean well or not. And the next inanimate object that doesn't obey my will could stand to get bruised from my my arm violently introducing it to the floor.

This is not me. I am not usually like this. I do not like being this way; I like being calm and in control. I generally like to choose to be logical, even if I am angry. I've been told I can be even too logical at times. I would prefer this to being an emotional lava lamp. I guess I'm just going to have to work harder to be myself, or rather, how I perceive myself to be.

Carrying this mood around when you're looking for clothes isn't a good idea. It's sort of the opposite of shopping while you're famished. I kept walking around the store thinking of how much I hate straight people/gay men. I of course did not buy anything.

Shopping for clothes can feel like work: you have to find something you like, something that fits, and something that you can afford. I do think that finding an article of clothing that meets all these criteria is quite satisfying, but the work required to reach this state can be tedious. Especially if you're poor and picky like me.

Furthermore, I'm always playing this little tug 0' war in my head. I don't want to buy anything too irritatingly girly that makes me feel like I'm wearing some costume on my body. I'm a fan of combining lines and angles with curves as opposed to building a tower of frill that feels an unnatural growth.

On the same token, I've also evolved from having an adolescent, baggy, hoodie-centric sense of fashion. I may want to attack Ellen Page with my lips, but I certainly don't want to dress like Juno. So it's a balancing act, as usual.

I think I'm feeling disillusioned with being a [queer] woman at the moment. With all of the female-specific bullshit we have to do and put up with. I could make a list, but I don't think there's anything novel on it. I guess I just needed to bitch so I could get over it and move on.

Incongruous

I really miss KC and Elka all of a sudden. I got used to their absence, but I realized that the amount of gayness in my life has shrunken to an iota, and I will be an active participant in shrinking it further. And I don't mean sex wise. Maybe a part of me wanted it that way, but I feel like I'm neglecting that part of myself.

And all my bi friends, like me, are seeing men. Of course, you can be queer and straight. But, goddamnit, it'd be nice to have more gay friends. Perhaps when I have more time, I can work on this while trying to find a girlfriend.

I'm just going to forego manners for a moment and be bitchy and dramatic: straight people can be annoyingly boring and cliche. Their sense of beauty, fashion, roleplay, etc. gets on my nerves after a while. And they don't have to see how programmed they are because they have most of the power. I wish I could fully fit in that way.

I need to work up the courage to make conversation with Cute Health Foods Store Girl.

I need to get used to feeling incongruous.

The Best Policy

There is a lot of new and renewing love in my life right now. Several opposing parties are reconciling, my friends kick ass, and my boyfriend and I still don't really do things like watch movies because we're so into each other's lips. I'm really lucky to have all of this.

However, I feel conflicted between the desire to make other people happy/be what they want me to be and the desire to simply be myself. Lately, the former desire has felt right for the most part. I feel somewhat less militant about asserting who I perceive myself to be, and I'm happy to please those I care about. But I don't want to turn into a puppet.

I see myself first as a person, and I just happen to be in the body of a female. If one removed the (mostly socialized) pansy, girly behaviors, I could just as easily be the same person in a male's body. I would also still be bisexual. I think many people's identities are inextricably linked to their sex; I don't think I'm one of those people.

However, I never wanted to be a boy (although I think that aside from being expected to make more money and be emotionally sturdy, males have it easier). But I did not enjoy growing up being constantly compared to other girls and having all of the ways in which I don't measure up be shoved in my face. I have made significant strides in getting over all of that, but I suddenly remembered how that sentiment will always sting a little.

I have mostly accepted the fact that when you interact with others, you will rarely get the chance to be yourself 100% of the time. I'm not sure if this is good because it's practical or bad because I'm "selling out."

I also think I have accepted the fact that while being queer is more okay than it used to be, it will always be the minority. The subjective idea of beauty will mostly be in the hands of those who do not appreciate gray.

The desire to not feel conflicted with oneself and with society is a powerful motivator. People who do drastic things to their bodies (e.g. taking hormones and getting sex change surgeries) are really chasing after that sense of congruity and coherence that non-queers take for granted.

I'm glad I don't feel the need to do anything that drastic; I just need to regard compromise and the occasional lie means to a greater end.

Transitional Phase

I haven't been much of a blogger lately. My life has been becoming less about thinking/writing and more about doing. Furthermore, I think I've analyzed most of the queer-related topics that are of concern to me. And while I will always identify as a purse-hating gay girl who gets nervous around girls with mohawks who work at health food stores, I think I've entered a different phase:

I kinda hate The L Word.

I think Shane/Katherine Moennig is hot, but too skinny. And all that smoking is starting to catch up to her.

KC and Elka are...?

I'm in love with a boy.

Consequently, I will be blogging more here about whatever comes to mind.