There is a lot of new and renewing love in my life right now. Several opposing parties are reconciling, my friends kick ass, and my boyfriend and I still don't really do things like watch movies because we're so into each other's lips. I'm really lucky to have all of this.
However, I feel conflicted between the desire to make other people happy/be what they want me to be and the desire to simply be myself. Lately, the former desire has felt right for the most part. I feel somewhat less militant about asserting who I perceive myself to be, and I'm happy to please those I care about. But I don't want to turn into a puppet.
I see myself first as a person, and I just happen to be in the body of a female. If one removed the (mostly socialized) pansy, girly behaviors, I could just as easily be the same person in a male's body. I would also still be bisexual. I think many people's identities are inextricably linked to their sex; I don't think I'm one of those people.
However, I never wanted to be a boy (although I think that aside from being expected to make more money and be emotionally sturdy, males have it easier). But I did not enjoy growing up being constantly compared to other girls and having all of the ways in which I don't measure up be shoved in my face. I have made significant strides in getting over all of that, but I suddenly remembered how that sentiment will always sting a little.
I have mostly accepted the fact that when you interact with others, you will rarely get the chance to be yourself 100% of the time. I'm not sure if this is good because it's practical or bad because I'm "selling out."
I also think I have accepted the fact that while being queer is more okay than it used to be, it will always be the minority. The subjective idea of beauty will mostly be in the hands of those who do not appreciate gray.
The desire to not feel conflicted with oneself and with society is a powerful motivator. People who do drastic things to their bodies (e.g. taking hormones and getting sex change surgeries) are really chasing after that sense of congruity and coherence that non-queers take for granted.
I'm glad I don't feel the need to do anything that drastic; I just need to regard compromise and the occasional lie means to a greater end.
Showing posts with label internalized homophobia sucks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label internalized homophobia sucks. Show all posts
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
"And that's why ya don't kiss straight girls."
If only there was that one-armed guy from Arrested Development to teach me this lesson. For some reason, I didn't want to write about my first experience with a girl here. I figured it was a bit too complicated, and I didn't want to be a drama queen. But this is the place to write about complexities, and I'm over it now. So here goes.
As with any other remotely intelligible thing I write, the objective of this post is to 1) explore the grey areas of sexuality, 2) attempt to write about something complex and significant with a degree of objectivity, and 3) to question the actions of the involved parties.
My first experience with a girl didn't go over so well for either of us. It put a huge dent in a friendship that had a lot of potential.
Here's a cliche: the first girl I kissed was my best friend and roommate in college. We had a unique chemistry that is hard to explain. We were sorta opposites and sorta the same person all at the same time. We could make simple things like going grocery shopping feel like an amusing adventure. We could have satisfying intellectually conversations and be silly as hell. We could peacefully co-exist and still find the other person fun to be around.
Here's another cliche: we had a lot of great things in common (e.g. athleticism, a love for nerdy movies, etc). One of the not-so-great things we had in common was the fact that we both dabbled in the world obsessing over how much you weigh and eat. We both had issues prior to meeting each other, and when we started to bond over this perverted commonality, we fed into each other's unhealthiness.
Here's the last cliche: we were drunk during all of our little explorations of the XX + XX equation. I didn't take it so well when I discovered that her "solution" was straight and mine wasn't.
As a friend, I loved her lots. The option of seeing her as more than a friend didn't occur to me until we started drinking together and getting progressively more touchy feely as time went on. When the option did occur to me, I really wanted it and looked for opportunities to get drunk with her. What can I say? I was young and stupid.
When we finally just had a big makeout session like a year later, I had a big internal woohoo! moment. I was pretty ecstatic for a few days until I inferred that it was only a curious exploration to her, and she wasn't likely to return the feelings I had for her. It bummed me out, but I eventually came to accept that this would not happen again.
But then it did. With more intensity a few months later. I was high as a mothafucking kite until she flat out said that we won't be doing anything physical anymore. I completely sunk when I heard this.
To be fair, we didn't communicate very well. I didn't express how I felt to her. Even though she was more of the initiator, she didn't intend to lead me on and reject me (although it felt like it at the time). I made a point to keep my feelings hidden because I couldn't deal with them, I was afraid of putting myself out there, and I knew that she was probably straight.
On top of all this, I didn't yet realize that one reason why I developed an eating disorder in the first place was to avoid admitting to being a queer. So for me to fall first for a straight girl with an eating disorder hit several nerves I wasn't fully aware of. Furthermore, we were at different points in the "admitting you have a problem" department, and this created another rift between us.
I resented her for not returning my feelings and for encouraging my self-destruction. I also took a few slightly homophobic remarks she said to heart. She resented me for being cold and passive-aggressive.
We tried to patch things up before she would have to move across the country after graduating, but I could never bring myself to explicitly tell her all that was bothering me. I partly didn't see the point in telling a straight girl that I was in love with her. When she left, I was drenched in a bitter little cocktail composed of one part anger, one part loss, and one part vindictiveness.
There were many months of fights, passive-aggressiveness, and unfriendly silence. We missed each other, but we both let the negativity fester. We eventually de-briefed these confusing incidents a few years later. She said she didn't entirely know what brought them on. I told her that I felt like a used experiment to her.
She admitted to being a bit on the bi-curious side, but she said she didn't want to know what it was like to kiss a girl; she wanted to know what it was like to kiss me. And while she loved me, she wasn't attracted to me.
Guh? Okay, the only reason this makes the remotest of sense in my mind is because I know this girl and it kinda clicks in my head because I know the rapport we had. I am also generally accepting of the spectrum of emotions that can fuel the varying levels of affection we want to show.
I hate to cite this, but it sorta reminds me of Claire and Edie in Six Feet Under. I wasn't a fan of Mena Suvari playing that role, but it was a similar situation. The two had an aesthetic appreciation of the other as a person, but it wasn't sexual. And I have to say that my feelings for her weren't predominately sexual either, but I didn't want to be strictly platonic either. Yet another annoying gray area.
So she wanted to express her intense platonic love for me with her lips and wandering hands (she described it as "lusting after me emotionally/spiritually"). Again, this transubstantiation of sorts sorta makes sense and sorta doesn't. Regardless, I accepted what she said, and we moved on. We both felt refreshed and grudge-free. It was great.
But then she got pregnant shortly after getting married. It dawned on me that this person lives across the country from me, is married, and will become a mother. I didn't see myself fitting into the picture. Our long distance friendship was pretty unsatisfying, and I felt rather disconnected from the phase of life she was entering. I was so tired of missing her and being locked in an aggravating state of limbo.
Eventually, I picked a fight with her, went out of my way to push her buttons, and we exchanged some mean words. That was the last fight. For real. All of the nastiness made it easier to say goodbye and just let go. While I was mad for a while, I found it easier to free myself from feeling hostile towards her.
I occasionally wonder if I did the right thing or if I was drawing one too many imaginary lines in my head. Did I really have to see her pending motherhood as such a threat? Was I allowing my own personal issues with parenting to color my perspective? Could we have made a long distance friendship work somehow?
I don't know for sure. I do know that I feel better after emotionally separating myself from her. I'm pretty sure she feels the same way. Do I wish things had turned out differently? Definitely. But it was time to move on, and I realized that I was wasting emotional energy pining over re-creating "the good ol' days" with her.
But some people simply become a part of you, whether you want them to or not. I'm not sure how she and I managed to establish such an intense connection that is difficult to forget. When things were good, I loved how we seemed to really understand each other and tried to respect each other's differences. And we didn't completely give up on trying to work through our problems.
I may not talk to her anymore, and I am not likely to see her again, but she probably will always be someone that I think about and remember fondly.
So the lessons I learned from this experience are as follows:
1) Don't kiss straight girls unless you are confident that they are at least bisexual or that you have the great powers of converting.
2) Don't do the whole wahhh I don't wanna be gay so I'm gonna self-destruct and/or live in shameful denial bullshit. It's a big waste of time. Accept yourself as a freak like everyone else and move the fuck on.
3) Don't have an eating disorder. It's stupid. I'm proud to say that I'm done with all of that crap after many years of hard work.
4) Communicate with more directness and don't rely on booze.
5) If you are romantically/physically interested in a friend, you should give serious consideration to whether you are willing to risk losing that friendship for the sake of taking things to the next level. There are some people that you just don't want to lose.
As with any other remotely intelligible thing I write, the objective of this post is to 1) explore the grey areas of sexuality, 2) attempt to write about something complex and significant with a degree of objectivity, and 3) to question the actions of the involved parties.
My first experience with a girl didn't go over so well for either of us. It put a huge dent in a friendship that had a lot of potential.
Here's a cliche: the first girl I kissed was my best friend and roommate in college. We had a unique chemistry that is hard to explain. We were sorta opposites and sorta the same person all at the same time. We could make simple things like going grocery shopping feel like an amusing adventure. We could have satisfying intellectually conversations and be silly as hell. We could peacefully co-exist and still find the other person fun to be around.
Here's another cliche: we had a lot of great things in common (e.g. athleticism, a love for nerdy movies, etc). One of the not-so-great things we had in common was the fact that we both dabbled in the world obsessing over how much you weigh and eat. We both had issues prior to meeting each other, and when we started to bond over this perverted commonality, we fed into each other's unhealthiness.
Here's the last cliche: we were drunk during all of our little explorations of the XX + XX equation. I didn't take it so well when I discovered that her "solution" was straight and mine wasn't.
As a friend, I loved her lots. The option of seeing her as more than a friend didn't occur to me until we started drinking together and getting progressively more touchy feely as time went on. When the option did occur to me, I really wanted it and looked for opportunities to get drunk with her. What can I say? I was young and stupid.
When we finally just had a big makeout session like a year later, I had a big internal woohoo! moment. I was pretty ecstatic for a few days until I inferred that it was only a curious exploration to her, and she wasn't likely to return the feelings I had for her. It bummed me out, but I eventually came to accept that this would not happen again.
But then it did. With more intensity a few months later. I was high as a mothafucking kite until she flat out said that we won't be doing anything physical anymore. I completely sunk when I heard this.
To be fair, we didn't communicate very well. I didn't express how I felt to her. Even though she was more of the initiator, she didn't intend to lead me on and reject me (although it felt like it at the time). I made a point to keep my feelings hidden because I couldn't deal with them, I was afraid of putting myself out there, and I knew that she was probably straight.
On top of all this, I didn't yet realize that one reason why I developed an eating disorder in the first place was to avoid admitting to being a queer. So for me to fall first for a straight girl with an eating disorder hit several nerves I wasn't fully aware of. Furthermore, we were at different points in the "admitting you have a problem" department, and this created another rift between us.
I resented her for not returning my feelings and for encouraging my self-destruction. I also took a few slightly homophobic remarks she said to heart. She resented me for being cold and passive-aggressive.
We tried to patch things up before she would have to move across the country after graduating, but I could never bring myself to explicitly tell her all that was bothering me. I partly didn't see the point in telling a straight girl that I was in love with her. When she left, I was drenched in a bitter little cocktail composed of one part anger, one part loss, and one part vindictiveness.
There were many months of fights, passive-aggressiveness, and unfriendly silence. We missed each other, but we both let the negativity fester. We eventually de-briefed these confusing incidents a few years later. She said she didn't entirely know what brought them on. I told her that I felt like a used experiment to her.
She admitted to being a bit on the bi-curious side, but she said she didn't want to know what it was like to kiss a girl; she wanted to know what it was like to kiss me. And while she loved me, she wasn't attracted to me.
Guh? Okay, the only reason this makes the remotest of sense in my mind is because I know this girl and it kinda clicks in my head because I know the rapport we had. I am also generally accepting of the spectrum of emotions that can fuel the varying levels of affection we want to show.
I hate to cite this, but it sorta reminds me of Claire and Edie in Six Feet Under. I wasn't a fan of Mena Suvari playing that role, but it was a similar situation. The two had an aesthetic appreciation of the other as a person, but it wasn't sexual. And I have to say that my feelings for her weren't predominately sexual either, but I didn't want to be strictly platonic either. Yet another annoying gray area.
So she wanted to express her intense platonic love for me with her lips and wandering hands (she described it as "lusting after me emotionally/spiritually"). Again, this transubstantiation of sorts sorta makes sense and sorta doesn't. Regardless, I accepted what she said, and we moved on. We both felt refreshed and grudge-free. It was great.
But then she got pregnant shortly after getting married. It dawned on me that this person lives across the country from me, is married, and will become a mother. I didn't see myself fitting into the picture. Our long distance friendship was pretty unsatisfying, and I felt rather disconnected from the phase of life she was entering. I was so tired of missing her and being locked in an aggravating state of limbo.
Eventually, I picked a fight with her, went out of my way to push her buttons, and we exchanged some mean words. That was the last fight. For real. All of the nastiness made it easier to say goodbye and just let go. While I was mad for a while, I found it easier to free myself from feeling hostile towards her.
I occasionally wonder if I did the right thing or if I was drawing one too many imaginary lines in my head. Did I really have to see her pending motherhood as such a threat? Was I allowing my own personal issues with parenting to color my perspective? Could we have made a long distance friendship work somehow?
I don't know for sure. I do know that I feel better after emotionally separating myself from her. I'm pretty sure she feels the same way. Do I wish things had turned out differently? Definitely. But it was time to move on, and I realized that I was wasting emotional energy pining over re-creating "the good ol' days" with her.
But some people simply become a part of you, whether you want them to or not. I'm not sure how she and I managed to establish such an intense connection that is difficult to forget. When things were good, I loved how we seemed to really understand each other and tried to respect each other's differences. And we didn't completely give up on trying to work through our problems.
I may not talk to her anymore, and I am not likely to see her again, but she probably will always be someone that I think about and remember fondly.
So the lessons I learned from this experience are as follows:
1) Don't kiss straight girls unless you are confident that they are at least bisexual or that you have the great powers of converting.
2) Don't do the whole wahhh I don't wanna be gay so I'm gonna self-destruct and/or live in shameful denial bullshit. It's a big waste of time. Accept yourself as a freak like everyone else and move the fuck on.
3) Don't have an eating disorder. It's stupid. I'm proud to say that I'm done with all of that crap after many years of hard work.
4) Communicate with more directness and don't rely on booze.
5) If you are romantically/physically interested in a friend, you should give serious consideration to whether you are willing to risk losing that friendship for the sake of taking things to the next level. There are some people that you just don't want to lose.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Bitchy
I had some issues with the whole idea of a threesome that I discussed with boyfriend. I kind of let the bitchy lesbian in me come out for a few minutes. I voiced how I'm not terribly into the idea of being with a girl as means to the end of turning on a guy.
Like, lesbians exist for pleasing each other. It's sort of an anti-cock act (at least in my mind), and having it be something to do for a guy's pleasure just screams cock always wins in the end to me.
His response was that this goal is most certainly not all about him, and he was aiming for everyone to benefit (both emotionally and physically) from this situation. He had stated all of this to me before, and he is quite the reciprocal, talented, patient, and orally-fixated lover (I really hit the jackpot in this department). But I still had to let the raging dyke in me say her piece. And I feel better.
On a related note, I tried to use youtube for scratching my itch for Xena. I figured it was easier and more dignified than digging out my tapes from, er, 10 years ago. And most of the results are of Xena and Gabrielle kissing.
Of course. The truth is that both characters were bisexual. And they actually did shit besides each other. Like unrealistically kick a profuse amount of ass and change history while prancing around in skimpy outfits. Jeez. What a buncha perverts.
In my experience, straightness generally does win in the end. Deep down, this still hurts a soft spot in me. Ironically, however, my own actions prove this point: I'm in a heterosexual relationship, and I'm generally happier when I'm into guys and more in touch with my feminine side. If you can't beat em', join em'? Does it have to be a competition?
But I find my own hypocrisy bothersome on some level. Consequently, I find little ways to blow off steam about it (e.g. stating how icky I find purses to be, recoiling at being described as "straight," etc.)
I can't say I feel distressed or divided about this as much as I used to though. Partly because I have more pressing things to be concerned with. And few people are one-sided and free of contradictions. And the people who are could probably best be described as "boring." So I'm happy to ride this dichotomy for as long as it wants.
Like, lesbians exist for pleasing each other. It's sort of an anti-cock act (at least in my mind), and having it be something to do for a guy's pleasure just screams cock always wins in the end to me.
His response was that this goal is most certainly not all about him, and he was aiming for everyone to benefit (both emotionally and physically) from this situation. He had stated all of this to me before, and he is quite the reciprocal, talented, patient, and orally-fixated lover (I really hit the jackpot in this department). But I still had to let the raging dyke in me say her piece. And I feel better.
On a related note, I tried to use youtube for scratching my itch for Xena. I figured it was easier and more dignified than digging out my tapes from, er, 10 years ago. And most of the results are of Xena and Gabrielle kissing.
Of course. The truth is that both characters were bisexual. And they actually did shit besides each other. Like unrealistically kick a profuse amount of ass and change history while prancing around in skimpy outfits. Jeez. What a buncha perverts.
In my experience, straightness generally does win in the end. Deep down, this still hurts a soft spot in me. Ironically, however, my own actions prove this point: I'm in a heterosexual relationship, and I'm generally happier when I'm into guys and more in touch with my feminine side. If you can't beat em', join em'? Does it have to be a competition?
But I find my own hypocrisy bothersome on some level. Consequently, I find little ways to blow off steam about it (e.g. stating how icky I find purses to be, recoiling at being described as "straight," etc.)
I can't say I feel distressed or divided about this as much as I used to though. Partly because I have more pressing things to be concerned with. And few people are one-sided and free of contradictions. And the people who are could probably best be described as "boring." So I'm happy to ride this dichotomy for as long as it wants.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
RIP?
Sigh. I don't know about this blog anymore. I've been writing in it on and off for over two years now. I feel like I've put most queer topics of interest under the microscope.
And Kelka will be posting their last few podcasts sometime in the near future. The final goodbye is getting closer. It's pretty fucking sad.
So is the fact that I didn't even have the desire to watch the very last hour of The L Word. The first half of the finale was pretty crappy. I don't want to waste more time on an insult to the art of television.
Lastly, I don't find Shane as hot and charismatic as she used to be. I feel like this is a sign.
I feel like I should keep blogging, but I'm not sure if it should be here. This is a GAY blog. Can I write, gasp, non-gay stuff here? I could to prove that I don't mentally compartmentalize everything. But if I feel the need to prove it, then that probably means that my case is weak.
Maybe I'll give it a try.
And Kelka will be posting their last few podcasts sometime in the near future. The final goodbye is getting closer. It's pretty fucking sad.
So is the fact that I didn't even have the desire to watch the very last hour of The L Word. The first half of the finale was pretty crappy. I don't want to waste more time on an insult to the art of television.
Lastly, I don't find Shane as hot and charismatic as she used to be. I feel like this is a sign.
I feel like I should keep blogging, but I'm not sure if it should be here. This is a GAY blog. Can I write, gasp, non-gay stuff here? I could to prove that I don't mentally compartmentalize everything. But if I feel the need to prove it, then that probably means that my case is weak.
Maybe I'll give it a try.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Cats and Dogs
In spite of how much I appreciate what they have to offer outside of their genitalia, I appear to have no close male friends. I certainly have much-appreciated male acquaintances, but I don't have many of them that I have been strictly platonic with. It's not that I'm a big slut; I've always had significantly more female friends.
But in my experience, there are usually ulterior motives between males and females. Why don't I have this issue with girls? Because I spent the first 20 years of my life denying that I like them? Because there are fewer girls for a girl to choose from?
I want to know what it's like to be close to a guy and have no ulterior motives. Maybe it's not possible, but I'd like to give it a try.
But in my experience, there are usually ulterior motives between males and females. Why don't I have this issue with girls? Because I spent the first 20 years of my life denying that I like them? Because there are fewer girls for a girl to choose from?
I want to know what it's like to be close to a guy and have no ulterior motives. Maybe it's not possible, but I'd like to give it a try.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Crap
I kinda had an embarrassing realization that I've been rather loyal to this kinda crappy show called The L Word for the past three years.
Let's be honest: it's not exactly quality programming. It has butchered its portrayal of some queer issues, the writing is inconsistent, and they stupidly killed off a main character. The show had potential after season 1, and it did finally make somewhat of a comeback in season 5.
But, Kelka and Riese aside, it's mostly just an entertaining gay girl drama fix (what else could it be with allll women?). It's best to slap the "Guilty Pleasure" label on it.
And then I remembered how ashamed I used to be of being a non-heterosexual three years ago. It's great that I barely remember being that way. But remembering it now is forcing me to acknowledge the trite-but-true fact that this kinda crappy show helped me to emotionally and internally de-closet myself. And I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.
And amusing clips like this, this, and this still make me laugh and feel some vicarious nostalgia. And those moments make me a bit sad to have to watch its last season next year.
Lastly, if some bitch spoils season 6 for me, I will unleash a malicious revenge campain on her!
Let's be honest: it's not exactly quality programming. It has butchered its portrayal of some queer issues, the writing is inconsistent, and they stupidly killed off a main character. The show had potential after season 1, and it did finally make somewhat of a comeback in season 5.
But, Kelka and Riese aside, it's mostly just an entertaining gay girl drama fix (what else could it be with allll women?). It's best to slap the "Guilty Pleasure" label on it.
And then I remembered how ashamed I used to be of being a non-heterosexual three years ago. It's great that I barely remember being that way. But remembering it now is forcing me to acknowledge the trite-but-true fact that this kinda crappy show helped me to emotionally and internally de-closet myself. And I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.
And amusing clips like this, this, and this still make me laugh and feel some vicarious nostalgia. And those moments make me a bit sad to have to watch its last season next year.
Lastly, if some bitch spoils season 6 for me, I will unleash a malicious revenge campain on her!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
One Big Happy Queer Family?
I was in a waiting room, and I happened to overhear a conversation between three middle-aged women; they were discussing celesbians:
"Have you seen Cynthia Nixon's girlfriend?"
"She's ugly."
"I mean there's nothing wrong with going for a lady, but if you're a good-lookin' woman, you can do better."
"Portia is gorgeous."
I always thought Portia was boring-looking, but I recently realized that she is, indeed, attractive (and funny in Arrested Development).
I could bitch and spew out self-help cliches (e.g. "love isn't just about looks" and "beauty is subjective"), but I'm guilty of saying things like, "Lesbians who wear flannel all the time are embarrassing." And I'm guilty of talking shit about hideous straight girls.
Example: There's a health foods store I frequent. I applied to work there, but they said my availability conflicts with their needs. I happen to have a love and passion for healthy foods and nutrition (being the "granola dyke" that I can be). I was a bit disappointed.
I was there yesterday only to notice that some big, ugly blonde with freakishly long nails, gobs of eyeshadow, and an obvious fake tan was a recent addition to their staff. I had a moment of bigoted immaturity: That hideous hetero bohemeth doesn't deserve to work there! I do! When I go to health foods stores, I want to see girls with short hair and emo glasses dammnit!
Am I a bad person? Probably. Will we all accept each other unconditionally all the time? Probably not.
"Have you seen Cynthia Nixon's girlfriend?"
"She's ugly."
"I mean there's nothing wrong with going for a lady, but if you're a good-lookin' woman, you can do better."
"Portia is gorgeous."
I always thought Portia was boring-looking, but I recently realized that she is, indeed, attractive (and funny in Arrested Development).
I could bitch and spew out self-help cliches (e.g. "love isn't just about looks" and "beauty is subjective"), but I'm guilty of saying things like, "Lesbians who wear flannel all the time are embarrassing." And I'm guilty of talking shit about hideous straight girls.
Example: There's a health foods store I frequent. I applied to work there, but they said my availability conflicts with their needs. I happen to have a love and passion for healthy foods and nutrition (being the "granola dyke" that I can be). I was a bit disappointed.
I was there yesterday only to notice that some big, ugly blonde with freakishly long nails, gobs of eyeshadow, and an obvious fake tan was a recent addition to their staff. I had a moment of bigoted immaturity: That hideous hetero bohemeth doesn't deserve to work there! I do! When I go to health foods stores, I want to see girls with short hair and emo glasses dammnit!
Am I a bad person? Probably. Will we all accept each other unconditionally all the time? Probably not.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Cont'd
Me: aww yr making me feel all maternal
Friend: how?
Me: if/when u do kiss a girl, i'm gonna be so damn proud
Friend: hahahahaha
Friend: not if, when
Me: right, when
Me: i'm gonna be like, "that's my girl"
Me: "she's growin up so fast"
Friend: hahahahaha
Friend: the pic better be on facebook
Me: of u kissing?
Friend: yes lol
Me: so i can cherish it?
Friend: haha yes
Me: awww
Friend: and so can i
Me: i refuse to have long nails
Friend: why not try
Friend: you get used to them and they are so nicce
Me: only if i became a hand model
Friend: LOL
Me: i've been told i have nice hands
Friend: if you get acrylic nails youll have really nice hands
Me: eh
Me: i dont want ppl thinking im straight
Friend: whats so bad about that?
Me: well, i'm not straight
Me: and it decreases the already small chances of me finding a girl to makeout with
Friend: true
Friend: apparently some lesbians do have long nails though
Friend: femmy ones
Me: well i can be femmy, but i'm more of a giver
Friend: you arent a pillow queen. lol!
Friend: whats the opposite of that
Friend: isnt it a stone butch?
Me: hah maybe
Me: gah i'm not that either
Friend: haha no
Me: well w/ guys i can be pillow queen'ish
Friend: not with girls? wow. thats really lesbian of you
Me: but i'm proud of the blowjobs i can give
Friend: well if you can deepthroat, you should be
Me: damn straight
Me: but yeah, i like to be able to make a girl happy
Me: it makes my sexual resume very impressive
Friend: ew
Me: i'm just bi
Friend: you truly are i think
Me: knowing that doesn't make life any less irritating
Friend: well being bi isnt bad
Me: bisexuality is constant irritation
Me: the up side is that one can still be straight
Friend: and the down side is being gay?
Me: well that's how you see it
Friend: it is though
Friend: i really think the birth control pills were making me lesbian. ive been off them now for a while and i felt so fucking hetero today
Friend: my gay friend and i were checking out guys, and there was this gorgeous guy with really hot arms. i was, like, staring at him
Me: lol wow
Friend: the lesbianism is wearing off, thank god
Me: welcome back to the middle of kinsey's scale
Friend: how?
Me: if/when u do kiss a girl, i'm gonna be so damn proud
Friend: hahahahaha
Friend: not if, when
Me: right, when
Me: i'm gonna be like, "that's my girl"
Me: "she's growin up so fast"
Friend: hahahahaha
Friend: the pic better be on facebook
Me: of u kissing?
Friend: yes lol
Me: so i can cherish it?
Friend: haha yes
Me: awww
Friend: and so can i
Me: i refuse to have long nails
Friend: why not try
Friend: you get used to them and they are so nicce
Me: only if i became a hand model
Friend: LOL
Me: i've been told i have nice hands
Friend: if you get acrylic nails youll have really nice hands
Me: eh
Me: i dont want ppl thinking im straight
Friend: whats so bad about that?
Me: well, i'm not straight
Me: and it decreases the already small chances of me finding a girl to makeout with
Friend: true
Friend: apparently some lesbians do have long nails though
Friend: femmy ones
Me: well i can be femmy, but i'm more of a giver
Friend: you arent a pillow queen. lol!
Friend: whats the opposite of that
Friend: isnt it a stone butch?
Me: hah maybe
Me: gah i'm not that either
Friend: haha no
Me: well w/ guys i can be pillow queen'ish
Friend: not with girls? wow. thats really lesbian of you
Me: but i'm proud of the blowjobs i can give
Friend: well if you can deepthroat, you should be
Me: damn straight
Me: but yeah, i like to be able to make a girl happy
Me: it makes my sexual resume very impressive
Friend: ew
Me: i'm just bi
Friend: you truly are i think
Me: knowing that doesn't make life any less irritating
Friend: well being bi isnt bad
Me: bisexuality is constant irritation
Me: the up side is that one can still be straight
Friend: and the down side is being gay?
Me: well that's how you see it
Friend: it is though
Friend: i really think the birth control pills were making me lesbian. ive been off them now for a while and i felt so fucking hetero today
Friend: my gay friend and i were checking out guys, and there was this gorgeous guy with really hot arms. i was, like, staring at him
Me: lol wow
Friend: the lesbianism is wearing off, thank god
Me: welcome back to the middle of kinsey's scale
Friday, April 11, 2008
In & Out
Friend: i think im a lesbian
Me: who likes dick?
Friend: yes lol
Me: okie dokie
Friend: there could be such thing
Me: probably
Friend: cause its all about what it comes down to emotionally
Friend: i feel like my hetero attraction to the boy im dating is just like...conditioned or something
Friend: like its not real
Me: i've def felt alll gay
Friend: right now?
Me: hah no i feel straight now
Friend: lol of course
Me: but it could be your lesbian pill
Friend: grr stupid lesbian pill
Me: well at least you're in a flexible position
Me: some ppl are so gay that a pill might not shift their orientation
Friend: lol im starting to think that its not the pill though
Me: it's your girl crush and her rainbow powers
Friend: LOL
Friend: that sounds like a lesbian fantasy. having powers to convert straight girls
Me: hah yes!
Me: at the end of the day, you can identify however you want for yourself
Friend: are you sure youre not lesbian
Friend: maybe you also go through the hetero motions
Friend: cause thats how youve been taught
Me: i think the motions apply to everyone
Friend: somewhat
Me: i do feel emotionally attached to my bf
Friend: but not as emotionally attached as you would to a woman maybe?
Me: probably not, no
Me: in spite of how nice he is to me and how hot i find him
Friend: i think like...for me, when a boy does something aw-worthy, i feel something but idk...when a girl i like does something, i feel something but it feels REAL. gah i am too confused
Friend: right, exactly. so that = lesbian
Friend: cause then youd be happier spending your life with a female
Me: maybe
Me: i'd rather end up with one
Me: but a preference for girls doesn't negate bisexuality
Friend: ok but what if you can only have crushes on guys, but you can never be in love with one
Me: i'd say i have loved guys
Friend: oh
Friend: well then i guess youre bi. im the lesbian
Me: but been head over heels IN love...still not always as strong as a girl
Me: i was pretty fucking crazy over the first girl i kissed
Friend: that was pretty lesbian of you
Me: lol yes
Friend: i just dont want to be lesbian
Me: fighting it makes it worse
Friend: so you are saying im lesbian?
Me: lol i don't know what you are
Me: but fighting whatever you are doesn't help
Friend: lol
Friend: great now im a lesbian
Me: you're 75% gay
Friend: are you serious
Me: i dunno! i'm trying to make you feel better
Me: so what if you are a lesbian?
Friend: omg you really think i am?
Me: LOL no
Friend: gah!
Me: i've always thought you were bi
Friend: so im bi. thats better
Me: if you are gay, it wouldn't be as bad as you think
Friend: dude. actually being in a committed relationship with someone of the same sex for the rest of your life would have so many social consequences
Friend: youd have to deal with homophobia on a regular basis
Me: it'd be hard, but it's manageable
Friend: i dont think it is
Me: depends on where u are
Friend: yeah but i live in a very liberal city
Friend: and i can still see the homophobia
Me: well the homophobia needs to challenged
Me: things wont change if u hide
Friend: true...but do you want to fight something for the rest of your life
Me: i know that's easier said than done
Me: life is always a battle with something
Friend: but gayness is the hardest
Friend: wow i feel so bad for gay people
Me: i'm sure there are harder things
Me: you have a stigma in your head
Me: there's some truth to it, but it's exaggerated.
Friend: fuck, maybe youre right. i have internalized homophobia
Me: and if u were a lesbian, you'd be a hot lesbian
Friend: yes and id end up with some butch because thats how most of them are
Me: no. oh god. chill
Friend: sorryyyy
Me: lol no need to apologize
Me: it was kinda amusing
Friend: hahaha
Me: "do you think i'm gay? you do don't you? just say it! i'm a raging bulldyke in the making!"
Friend: LMAO
Me: lol
Friend: thanks, i needed that laugh
Me: no problem.
Me: who likes dick?
Friend: yes lol
Me: okie dokie
Friend: there could be such thing
Me: probably
Friend: cause its all about what it comes down to emotionally
Friend: i feel like my hetero attraction to the boy im dating is just like...conditioned or something
Friend: like its not real
Me: i've def felt alll gay
Friend: right now?
Me: hah no i feel straight now
Friend: lol of course
Me: but it could be your lesbian pill
Friend: grr stupid lesbian pill
Me: well at least you're in a flexible position
Me: some ppl are so gay that a pill might not shift their orientation
Friend: lol im starting to think that its not the pill though
Me: it's your girl crush and her rainbow powers
Friend: LOL
Friend: that sounds like a lesbian fantasy. having powers to convert straight girls
Me: hah yes!
Me: at the end of the day, you can identify however you want for yourself
Friend: are you sure youre not lesbian
Friend: maybe you also go through the hetero motions
Friend: cause thats how youve been taught
Me: i think the motions apply to everyone
Friend: somewhat
Me: i do feel emotionally attached to my bf
Friend: but not as emotionally attached as you would to a woman maybe?
Me: probably not, no
Me: in spite of how nice he is to me and how hot i find him
Friend: i think like...for me, when a boy does something aw-worthy, i feel something but idk...when a girl i like does something, i feel something but it feels REAL. gah i am too confused
Friend: right, exactly. so that = lesbian
Friend: cause then youd be happier spending your life with a female
Me: maybe
Me: i'd rather end up with one
Me: but a preference for girls doesn't negate bisexuality
Friend: ok but what if you can only have crushes on guys, but you can never be in love with one
Me: i'd say i have loved guys
Friend: oh
Friend: well then i guess youre bi. im the lesbian
Me: but been head over heels IN love...still not always as strong as a girl
Me: i was pretty fucking crazy over the first girl i kissed
Friend: that was pretty lesbian of you
Me: lol yes
Friend: i just dont want to be lesbian
Me: fighting it makes it worse
Friend: so you are saying im lesbian?
Me: lol i don't know what you are
Me: but fighting whatever you are doesn't help
Friend: lol
Friend: great now im a lesbian
Me: you're 75% gay
Friend: are you serious
Me: i dunno! i'm trying to make you feel better
Me: so what if you are a lesbian?
Friend: omg you really think i am?
Me: LOL no
Friend: gah!
Me: i've always thought you were bi
Friend: so im bi. thats better
Me: if you are gay, it wouldn't be as bad as you think
Friend: dude. actually being in a committed relationship with someone of the same sex for the rest of your life would have so many social consequences
Friend: youd have to deal with homophobia on a regular basis
Me: it'd be hard, but it's manageable
Friend: i dont think it is
Me: depends on where u are
Friend: yeah but i live in a very liberal city
Friend: and i can still see the homophobia
Me: well the homophobia needs to challenged
Me: things wont change if u hide
Friend: true...but do you want to fight something for the rest of your life
Me: i know that's easier said than done
Me: life is always a battle with something
Friend: but gayness is the hardest
Friend: wow i feel so bad for gay people
Me: i'm sure there are harder things
Me: you have a stigma in your head
Me: there's some truth to it, but it's exaggerated.
Friend: fuck, maybe youre right. i have internalized homophobia
Me: and if u were a lesbian, you'd be a hot lesbian
Friend: yes and id end up with some butch because thats how most of them are
Me: no. oh god. chill
Friend: sorryyyy
Me: lol no need to apologize
Me: it was kinda amusing
Friend: hahaha
Me: "do you think i'm gay? you do don't you? just say it! i'm a raging bulldyke in the making!"
Friend: LMAO
Me: lol
Friend: thanks, i needed that laugh
Me: no problem.
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