Long Time No Quote

The Planet Podcast, Episode 405: Lez Girls

Re: Hazel (aka the Sexbot 300) and her ugly butt

"They're still working on the butt technology of the robots, apparently."-Elka

"It looked like a ten-year-old boy's butt...how the hell would I know what a 10-year-old- boy's butt looks like?"-KC

Re: Revelations about Elka's shirt

KC: There's a butthole on your shirt.
Elka: There is not...oh my god, there is!
KC: Wait, I didn't know that!
Elka: It's like a little marmoset, and it has a butthole.

Re: KC's childhood love for the Stretch Armstrong toy

"I had to beg my mom for it, and she was like, 'That's a boy toy, and, it's like a dude in his panties.'"-KC

Re: KC finding a huge bag of styrofoam packing peanuts

"It was like a gift from god!"-KC

Re: Kelka seeing dead guy on the side of the road

KC: We saw a dead body by the side of the road, and you were like, "Eh, we're on our way to get ice cream. I don't want to stop."
Elka: I didn't want to be late for the movie. He was already dead; what are we gonna do?
KC: [laughing] I dunno, report it?

My Subconscious

I had a pretty crazy series of dreams last night. Two of them relate to this blog:

• I dreamt that some asshole was finding all the spelling errors in this blog and leaving bitchy comments that announced what all the errors were. I had to be a bitch back.
  
• I dreamt that Kelka hosted some party/event, and we all had to have our backs turned to them so we couldn't see them. And at the end, they gave us permission to turn around, and they were both wearing sweatpants and had messy hair. Hah, and KC had long hair done in tiny braids, lol. It was disappointing. In the dream, I thought that it'd be better to keep their looks a mystery because once we'd know what they look like, it wouldn't be interesting anymore.
  

Blur

I heart my smart friends:

Me: you're right: i should just have fun w/ the boys
Me: i think that's what they're best for anyways
Friend: and you're right about boys
Friend: they're hopeless idiots
Friend: makes me wish i didn't like their genitals so much
Me: yeah. i know.
Friend: and actually their pheromones, i could do without cock and balls if a female could emit guy-sex-chemistry
Friend: i like maleness
Friend: the archetype of it
Friend: it's all so conditioned
Friend: i believe that femaleness is a more natural state, and males get more structured attention and are therefore more societally warped
Friend: i think if boys weren't so conditionally fucked over they'd be a lot more like girls
Me: possibly
Me: or maybe you're just with a very femmy man
Friend: maybe i've been thinking this way for a long time before i came to know the man you mention
Friend: which may be why i find him so delightful
Me: haha
Friend: it's why i find queerness very liberating. i'm not defined by liking cock or liking pussy but by liking the way human beings are
Friend: my bf is just queer as hell, though he doesn't identify as such but rather as a "kinky bi-curious guy in a heterosexual relationship", but i'm working on him to just say "queer" and i like to think he's coming around :-)
Me: hah, good
Me: for what it's worth i'd probably have had tons more relationships with girls if they'd just be queer and not so hung up on butch/femme/andro/wtfever archetypes
Friend: those get tiresome amazingly quickly
Me: i fucking HATE those
Friend: i never found them satisfying, i always thought, "look, i like makeup and baseball and nipple torture and beer and nipple torture and smacking the shit out of my lovers and" etc etc
Me: LOL
Me: i just want to be a person and be with a person who will let me be a person
Friend: i think it's a gross by-product of the cosmo-quiz sexual generation
Friend: "What Annoying Lesbian Archetype are YOU?!"
Friend: i just realized i put nipple torture twice, appropriately enough
Friend: can't have just one
Me: lol i thought you did that on purpose
Me: i can be a lot of different things depending on my mood
Friend: yeah, well, that's why identifying as queer is great
Friend: it basically says "i do not find straight, societally conditioned sexual practices or gender roles satisfying and the rest is none of your business"
Friend: "you may feel free to consider me however you like, but rest assured it's more like what you see on HBO than on FOX."
Me: haha yes
Friend: i mean, brenda is queer. brenda's parents are queer.
Me: that's partly my fear of being with a straight guy
Me: i can't be girly all the time
Friend: well, as i'm sure you know, there are queer guys who are still able to immerse themselves fully in a relationship with a female
Friend: good luck finding one, but they're out there
Friend: and regardless of labels there are het men who want nothing to do with "girly"
Me: yeah true
Friend: it's slow going but the stereotypical female is getting blurrier and blurrier

We're Only Science?

I found this article interesting.

I'm too lazy to write a commentary right now.

ZOMG!

I finally saw the most recent teaser for Season 5 of The L Word (because I finally installed the most recent version of Flash onto my computer). Considering the show's continual deterioration, I forgot about how it's coming next month. And after watching so much HBO in the past year, I've became more elitist about quality television.

But wow! In spite of the low levels of substance and originality, the teaser definitely teased...a certain part of my body (kidding). Here are my comments:

• What the hell is wrong with Shane's hair? Kate Moennig can pull of the sexy shaggy hair rather well, but it sort of looks like roadkill + product. I miss her hot hair from seasons 1 and 2.
• It's cute that she tries to give up sex though. As if.
• Girls wrestling in oil (???) = cliche #1
• Bette is hot as her normal domme self.
• Bette and Tina better have a crazy, hot, get-back-together FUCK session. I'm thinking it should be a mix of what they showed in the season 1 pilot and the season 1 finale: loving, graphic, and with a little bit of hungry violence.
• Women having sex in prison = cliche #2
• Jenny is going to be a Cunt again. I'm learning to laugh about it instead of finding her obnoxious.
• Yaaay! Max is going to be a tranny fag! Yummy!
• No Papi! Woohoo!
• Tasha getting in trouble with the Army for "homosexual conduct"=possible cliche #3 or possible Annoying L Word PSA # 18
  

Oh, and Riese's Vlog parody of the teaser cracked my shit up. Many thanks to her. My blog crush on her is intensifying.

There's no fighting it: in spite of steadily increasing levels of crappiness, I will still avidly watch this upcoming season in hopes that some remnants of seasons 1 and 2 will resurface.

OK, NOW I'm starting my week-long hiatus from this blog in the interest of doing well on finals.

Cram

Finals are very present; posting will resume in about a week.

As an aside, I am very grateful to Green for this because it made me laugh out loud.

Severing the Body From the Mind

Could somebody please explain to me why my gayness percentage is inversely proportionate to the cuteness of the guys I get involved with? In other words, the gayer I feel, the cuter the boys get. And I'm consequently sucked back into hetereoville once again. It's like my sexual orientation will always be the inverse of the reality I can obtain; existence is one big, sick joke.

I haven't emotionally liked a guy since my ex (we broke up about a year ago). I've pretty much just thought of males as "Things With Dicks" since then. (I'm a bitch, and I'm not always a Good Person).

I'm pretty sure this new guy likes me as much as I like him. But I'm not 100% sure. For all I know, he could flake off. The insecure adolescent in me worries that he will (although he'd be an idiot to do so since we have quite a bit in common).

My inner lesbian, however, would be relieved because I can see myself trying to find non-cheating gay escapes if we got serious (e.g. compulsively gawking at pictures of hot boyish and girlish girls in online gay girl communities, re-watching The L Word, listening to KC and Elka 24/7, bitching on this blog more often, etc).

And the more univeral part of me just wants to connect to a new human being, regardless of their gender or if it's even romantic. He has so many qualities that I like and respect.

BUT I WANT A GIRLFRIEND. I know that relationships are relationships, and the gender of your partner doesn't necessarily change much. But why do I feel this way? Am I more gay than straight? It's possible. Do I just want what feels harder to get? Maybe. Am I trying to be different or rebellious? I'm not sure.

Furthermore, I've always wondered if part of why I'm more emotionally drawn to girls has anything to do with the fact that the woman who gave birth to me rarely thinks I meet her Subjective Bullshit Standards of Acceptability. Am I just trying to get the acceptance that I don't get from her? That doesn't sound healthy, and it makes me think that I'd be stupid and superficial for blowing off someone just because they are male.

Once again, I'm thinking too much. I shall try to be lighter and more amusing in my next post.

Oh, Bitch, Bitch, Bitch

I have to say that I wasn't entirely pleased with how gender roles were portrayed in last night's episode of Nip/Tuck. Here's background and a summary for those who didn't see it or don't watch the show:

Dr. Sean McNamara and Dr. Christian Troy are the handsome plastic surgeons who have been running their own business for 15+ years. They are best friends, and they are sort of opposites: Sean is more cautious and concerned with being the good guy. He is more talented at surgery than Christian. Christian, on the other hand, is the charming, broad-shouldered, metrosexual womanizer. He can be cruel and superficial, but he does have a heart.

Julia, Sean's ex-wife, suddenly proclaims that she's a lesbian early on in the season. She introduces her girlfriend, Olivia (played by Portia de Rossi), to Sean and Christian. She was married to Sean for several years, and they had been through several problems and separations. She claims that the root of it all was her gayness (which I think is a crock of shit).

Christian and Julia have always had an unrequited love story throughout the show (Christian is also the father of Julia's first son). A few episodes ago, Christian told Julia that she was just running away from him by claiming she's a lesbian. She slept with him, and he thought they would be together, but she really just manipulated him to "get it out of her system" and go back to Olivia.

Olivia is confident and tough; it's pretty hot. But in last night's episode, Julia and Olivia are carjacked by a pervert. Olivia proves she's not as strong as she seems; she whimpers the whole time. They survive, and Julia calls Christian to pick them up from the police station. Julia decides to get a gun for protection, and she and Christian go to the shooting range to practice. The symbolism and writing are so fucking obvious: purchasing a gun and being strong is equated with going back to dick.

At the end of the episode, Julia shows up at Christian's door and asks him to take care of her and make love to her. I'm a bit surprised that the writers of the show would be so predictable and stereotypical.

Julia annoys me for several reasons:

1. She's ugly and looks like an aging, blonde ferret; I have no idea why both Sean and Christian are so in love with her.
2. There's not much to her character; I have no idea why both Sean and Christian are so in love with her.
3. She's a pseudo-bisexual who runs away from her issues by trying to play for the team opposite of the the team she's having problems with.
4. When she sees Olivia's (understandable) weakness in the face of being gunned to death, she writes Olivia off and goes to Christian so she can be taken care of by a big, strong man. It's so predictable.
5. She might not even really have feelings for Christian; she might just be screwing him to get revenge on Sean for sleeping with Eden (Olivia's daughter).
   

Okay, um, I should get back to studying for finals and working on some real problems.

Quality Catching Up

I was hanging out with an old friend from high school whom I hadn't seen in about five years on Saturday. She obviously didn't know my orientation, but it ended up coming up in the conversation:

Me [whining]: I'm not sure I want to pursue this new guy yet.
Friend: Why, are you planning on becoming a lesbian?
Me: [pause] Well...sort of.
Friend: Really? Wow. I was just joking when I said that.

She then shared a theory on the guys getting hard watching two girls stereotype:

Friend: Guys who are so into girl-on-girl action are annoying. That's one thing I liked about my ex; he wasn't into it.
Me: Yeah, mine was like, "There's no cock; this is boring."
Friend: Hah, yes, I agree with that. Girl-on-girl action is not interesting to watch.
Me: Speak for yourself honey. Well..if it's two nasty straight girls doing it for two guys, then it's gross.
Friend: See, I don't even think most guys are even into that. They just hear that they're supposed to be, so they feed into the stereotype.
Me: I think you might be right.

While it Lasts

Date #2 with New Boy ("Seth") went pretty well (although I sort of got us lost, and I'm hoping he doesn't hate me for this). I'm starting to really like him and not preclude him based on his gender. We spent about five hours together, and it was fun, interesting, and thought-provoking. We connect (so far at least). I have a lot of respect for how talented, focused, and adaptive he is, and he makes me want to continue to grow.

I typically have a hard time with not censoring what I say around guys I'm interested in. But, for whatever reasons, I pretty much blurted out whatever I was thinking to him. This is a bit ironic since he might be a better person than I am.

A part of me just wants us to spill our dealbreakers to see if this could be a relationship, but it's too soon for that. Another part of me worries that we might just end up being friends. But even if that's the case, he'd be a worthwhile friend to have.

Oh, and I let him pay for dinner this time. I feel like I'm betraying something; maybe I'll always feel this way. I fear feeling suffocated if I commit too quickly. Bisexuality feels like a disability sometimes. At its worst, it feels like an extreme case of commitment-phobia.

Dee-licious

Natalie Portman has a brief role in The Darjeeling Limited. And in this brief role, she is somewhat comfortable with partial nudity (although it's not as hot as what she did in Closer).

And she looks SO FUCKING HOT with boy hair. She is quite the yummy one; I was mentally drooling.

"I Have to Praise You Like I Should"

If you're going to gush with celebrity worship (in this case it's celesbian worship), then you might as well go all the way and be honest about it. I'm just going to say it all.

KC and Elka are my standard for an ideal relationship. I know that we only see (or hear, rather) one side of them in their podcasts, and I know that they edit their podcasts to maximize the amount of continuous humor they exude. But I can't imagine staying with someone for nine years and STILL being that spontaneously funny. I can't even imagine staying with someone for nine years.

I busted out laughing when Elka predicted that Angelica would be wearing pants that say "JUICY" on the butt in season 5. The mental picture still cracks me up.

I'm seriously going to try to go to Pride in Albuquerque. And I just realized that I don't know any other Kelkians outside of the internet. This saddens me. I keep trying to get people I know to listen because they'd probably get hooked if they did. It'd be SO great to get drunk with other Kelkians and listen to new podcasts. But it is to no avail.

I don't want to imagine a day when there won't be more podcasts to look forward to. I'm guessing The L Word will end after season 5. And if it does, I really hope that the podcasts continue at least for a little while. Even if they're only on a monthly basis.

Technology can really fuck with your head. I'm sitting here writing a blog post about how strongly I feel about two people I've never seen or met.

The Gender Game in Gmail Chat

My male friend and I have always enjoyed bickering with each other over the years:

Friend: most women are horrible lays.....and even less can give decent head
me: that's pretty subjective
Friend: well all of this is subjective. I reached that conclusion from asking multiple men
me: it's not as subjective as the fact that men take forever to learn vagina!
dick is so easy
there are only two directions to go in
if a girl can't give head...she's an idiot
Friend: that attitude, is precisely why majority of women can't give decent head..they think it's just a case of mouth over penis
me: ??? why would they think that?
Friend: statistically, approx 5% of women can actually give good head
me: oh fuck you
as if you know
Friend: what do you mean 'as if I know'
me: you'd have to have been with all the women to know that
Friend: no statistic in this world is exhaustive, we go off samples, and that's what I did. OUT OF ALL the guys I've asked, only THREE have given me a number that's above 5
me: yeah, and did they finish?
me: men finish more than women. that says it all
Friend: I'd have to disagree. it doesn't say it all. a woman requires great sex to finish, a guy doesn't
me: ahhh. interesting
Friend: point being, that finishing is a big deal to women, because it implies great sex...for guys it doesn't
me: finishing is a big deal to women b/c it doesn't happen as often!! so mediocre sex for men is great sex for women
Friend: that's BS
me: lol
Friend: great sex is what's important. if 'finishing' was what mattered, why even talk to women, I could go to the bathroom and 'finish' in the next meeting
me: ok i see your point
Friend: I personally have on occasion had much better sex without 'finishing', then on the multiple occasions when I have.
me: did you like the girl?
Friend: don't remember her name or even exactly what she looks like
me: okay then

me: i do understand why guys get laid b/c most girls are straight. but i don't understand b/c girls can be more work in my experience
Friend: ha ha...that's so true. most guys over the age of 25, that have actually been active in the game, are usually so fed with the crap they have to do to get laid
me: yeah, well. it could be worse
Friend: how so?
me: you could be a gay girl trying to get laid
Friend: LOL LOL LOL LOL
me: it's true. the numbers are against the queers
Friend: that's true. what is your opinion on the assertion that 80%+ of women are at least bi-sexual?
me: there are seem to be more bi girls than guys i think
Friend: but do you think it's over 50%?
me: it's definitely possible...there are different ranges of bisexuality
me: by the way, i identify as bisexual. in case you didn't pick up on it by now
Friend: hmmm...I didn't know that...so you've been with a woman before???
me: you're turning all pervy!
Friend: ha ha.....what do you expect???? You don't tell a guy about girl/girl action and expect a nonchalant reaction!!!
me: what, did you think i'd give you details? i actually like girls emotionally too
Friend: A guy can hope
me: i'm not a "make out in front of a guy" bisexual
Friend: ohh..it's like serious. as in you would be in a long term relationship with a girl
me: yes. i would. sorry to burst your bubble
Friend: how have you 'burst my bubble?'
me: i dunno...girls holding hands isn't as exciting as girls fucking
Friend: but if they're holding hands, it still means that when the lights go off.......you know the drill
me: *rolls eyes

Podcrack

"I want a nostril reduction."-KC, admitting a body image issue

"You don't call lesbians nut juice!!"-Elka, after a listener called them "nut juice"

Elka: Are we Prozac or Viagra?
KC: Vicodin!

"Can I get a sippy cup and a tampon?! God!!"-Imitating what Bette would say for Angelica, the baby who is growing exponentially

"Didn't you ever seen a rap battle And by that I mean, haven't you ever seen that movie 8 Mile?" KC, making a good point

"I like to lick pussy on the weekends!"-KC, doing a mock confession for a Catholic priest

"You don't understand!"

FTM's fascinate me; I find it so interesting to look at before and after pictures of them. And some of them turn out to be very attractive males. It's like a different layer of androgyny.

And for some reason, I find tranny fags to be super hot. I'm not sure why. In season 5, I'd love to see Max 1) not talk and 2) fuck a guy again.

It's amazing how much they can change their bodies by taking testosterone. At the same time, I wonder if hormones are all that gender really is. It's kind of creepy that the physical expression of an entire gender identity can be distilled into a bottle of hormones. It sort of diminishes the weight that a gender identity can hold.

If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em?

I'm sort of contradicting myself compared to the previous post. I pretty much broke all the rules I set for myself. I told myself I wouldn't pursue anything involving emotions with a guy until I evened things out and got some more experiences with girls. I also realized that I tend to fall for the same type of guy and have the same type of problems with them.

But after the depression and rage I feel after experiencing this brand of pain, I guess I sort of threw this rule out the window. In the past few days I've hung out with two guys. The contexts weren't entirely platonic, but it was too soon to get any non-platonic physical contact from either one of them.

One ("Sean") is bi, friendly, silly, and somehow manages to be butch and flamboyant at the same time. I can't say I find him physically attractive (he sports the teddy bear figure), but I feel emotionally comfortable around him, and we can talk about boys and girls together. He's very huggable, and we're planning to have a platonic cuddle buddy session at some point in the near future.

The other guy ("Seth") is tall, straight, athletic, brilliant, sweet. We had a traditional "date" in which he offered to pay for dinner (I didn't let him), and then he asked me if I wanted to see a movie with him for another date. The whole thing made me feel like 1) a girl 2) a straight girl. If things keep going like this, I should be putting out on the third date.

I really like Seth, and I find him very attractive. We seem to connect and click so far. But I'm afraid he's just another one of the types I fall for; he even has the same NAME as my ex (which is still confusing). But he doesn't seem as grouchy, so I'm going to try to stop pre-judging him.

But the truth is that if a girl I really liked came along, I'd probably pursue her. I clearly want a girlfriend, but I get tired of girls constantly disappointing me. And it hurts so much more (compared to boys) when they do. I feel so resistant when it comes to committing to a guy, but I always seem to have an easier time with them.

I feel like a bad person for saying all this. I don't want to "take what I can get" or lead anyone on. I'd like to be able to say that I'm looking for the same qualities in a man as I am in a women and that it's all the same to me, but...it doesn't feel that way right now.

I also feel guilty for being so susceptible to male flattery, even if we do click. And if we continue to see each other, I refuse to be the type of bisexual who just identifies as straight because I'm seeing a guy.

Being bi is such a pain in the ass. I know I'm overthinking it all. I won't feel as indecisive if I ever get to see Seth without his clothes on.