Long Time No Quote

The Planet Podcast, Episode 405: Lez Girls

Re: Hazel (aka the Sexbot 300) and her ugly butt

"They're still working on the butt technology of the robots, apparently."-Elka

"It looked like a ten-year-old boy's butt...how the hell would I know what a 10-year-old- boy's butt looks like?"-KC

Re: Revelations about Elka's shirt

KC: There's a butthole on your shirt.
Elka: There is not...oh my god, there is!
KC: Wait, I didn't know that!
Elka: It's like a little marmoset, and it has a butthole.

Re: KC's childhood love for the Stretch Armstrong toy

"I had to beg my mom for it, and she was like, 'That's a boy toy, and, it's like a dude in his panties.'"-KC

Re: KC finding a huge bag of styrofoam packing peanuts

"It was like a gift from god!"-KC

Re: Kelka seeing dead guy on the side of the road

KC: We saw a dead body by the side of the road, and you were like, "Eh, we're on our way to get ice cream. I don't want to stop."
Elka: I didn't want to be late for the movie. He was already dead; what are we gonna do?
KC: [laughing] I dunno, report it?

My Subconscious

I had a pretty crazy series of dreams last night. Two of them relate to this blog:

• I dreamt that some asshole was finding all the spelling errors in this blog and leaving bitchy comments that announced what all the errors were. I had to be a bitch back.
  
• I dreamt that Kelka hosted some party/event, and we all had to have our backs turned to them so we couldn't see them. And at the end, they gave us permission to turn around, and they were both wearing sweatpants and had messy hair. Hah, and KC had long hair done in tiny braids, lol. It was disappointing. In the dream, I thought that it'd be better to keep their looks a mystery because once we'd know what they look like, it wouldn't be interesting anymore.
  

Blur

I heart my smart friends:

Me: you're right: i should just have fun w/ the boys
Me: i think that's what they're best for anyways
Friend: and you're right about boys
Friend: they're hopeless idiots
Friend: makes me wish i didn't like their genitals so much
Me: yeah. i know.
Friend: and actually their pheromones, i could do without cock and balls if a female could emit guy-sex-chemistry
Friend: i like maleness
Friend: the archetype of it
Friend: it's all so conditioned
Friend: i believe that femaleness is a more natural state, and males get more structured attention and are therefore more societally warped
Friend: i think if boys weren't so conditionally fucked over they'd be a lot more like girls
Me: possibly
Me: or maybe you're just with a very femmy man
Friend: maybe i've been thinking this way for a long time before i came to know the man you mention
Friend: which may be why i find him so delightful
Me: haha
Friend: it's why i find queerness very liberating. i'm not defined by liking cock or liking pussy but by liking the way human beings are
Friend: my bf is just queer as hell, though he doesn't identify as such but rather as a "kinky bi-curious guy in a heterosexual relationship", but i'm working on him to just say "queer" and i like to think he's coming around :-)
Me: hah, good
Me: for what it's worth i'd probably have had tons more relationships with girls if they'd just be queer and not so hung up on butch/femme/andro/wtfever archetypes
Friend: those get tiresome amazingly quickly
Me: i fucking HATE those
Friend: i never found them satisfying, i always thought, "look, i like makeup and baseball and nipple torture and beer and nipple torture and smacking the shit out of my lovers and" etc etc
Me: LOL
Me: i just want to be a person and be with a person who will let me be a person
Friend: i think it's a gross by-product of the cosmo-quiz sexual generation
Friend: "What Annoying Lesbian Archetype are YOU?!"
Friend: i just realized i put nipple torture twice, appropriately enough
Friend: can't have just one
Me: lol i thought you did that on purpose
Me: i can be a lot of different things depending on my mood
Friend: yeah, well, that's why identifying as queer is great
Friend: it basically says "i do not find straight, societally conditioned sexual practices or gender roles satisfying and the rest is none of your business"
Friend: "you may feel free to consider me however you like, but rest assured it's more like what you see on HBO than on FOX."
Me: haha yes
Friend: i mean, brenda is queer. brenda's parents are queer.
Me: that's partly my fear of being with a straight guy
Me: i can't be girly all the time
Friend: well, as i'm sure you know, there are queer guys who are still able to immerse themselves fully in a relationship with a female
Friend: good luck finding one, but they're out there
Friend: and regardless of labels there are het men who want nothing to do with "girly"
Me: yeah true
Friend: it's slow going but the stereotypical female is getting blurrier and blurrier

We're Only Science?

I found this article interesting.

I'm too lazy to write a commentary right now.

ZOMG!

I finally saw the most recent teaser for Season 5 of The L Word (because I finally installed the most recent version of Flash onto my computer). Considering the show's continual deterioration, I forgot about how it's coming next month. And after watching so much HBO in the past year, I've became more elitist about quality television.

But wow! In spite of the low levels of substance and originality, the teaser definitely teased...a certain part of my body (kidding). Here are my comments:

• What the hell is wrong with Shane's hair? Kate Moennig can pull of the sexy shaggy hair rather well, but it sort of looks like roadkill + product. I miss her hot hair from seasons 1 and 2.
• It's cute that she tries to give up sex though. As if.
• Girls wrestling in oil (???) = cliche #1
• Bette is hot as her normal domme self.
• Bette and Tina better have a crazy, hot, get-back-together FUCK session. I'm thinking it should be a mix of what they showed in the season 1 pilot and the season 1 finale: loving, graphic, and with a little bit of hungry violence.
• Women having sex in prison = cliche #2
• Jenny is going to be a Cunt again. I'm learning to laugh about it instead of finding her obnoxious.
• Yaaay! Max is going to be a tranny fag! Yummy!
• No Papi! Woohoo!
• Tasha getting in trouble with the Army for "homosexual conduct"=possible cliche #3 or possible Annoying L Word PSA # 18
  

Oh, and Riese's Vlog parody of the teaser cracked my shit up. Many thanks to her. My blog crush on her is intensifying.

There's no fighting it: in spite of steadily increasing levels of crappiness, I will still avidly watch this upcoming season in hopes that some remnants of seasons 1 and 2 will resurface.

OK, NOW I'm starting my week-long hiatus from this blog in the interest of doing well on finals.

Cram

Finals are very present; posting will resume in about a week.

As an aside, I am very grateful to Green for this because it made me laugh out loud.

Severing the Body From the Mind

Could somebody please explain to me why my gayness percentage is inversely proportionate to the cuteness of the guys I get involved with? In other words, the gayer I feel, the cuter the boys get. And I'm consequently sucked back into hetereoville once again. It's like my sexual orientation will always be the inverse of the reality I can obtain; existence is one big, sick joke.

I haven't emotionally liked a guy since my ex (we broke up about a year ago). I've pretty much just thought of males as "Things With Dicks" since then. (I'm a bitch, and I'm not always a Good Person).

I'm pretty sure this new guy likes me as much as I like him. But I'm not 100% sure. For all I know, he could flake off. The insecure adolescent in me worries that he will (although he'd be an idiot to do so since we have quite a bit in common).

My inner lesbian, however, would be relieved because I can see myself trying to find non-cheating gay escapes if we got serious (e.g. compulsively gawking at pictures of hot boyish and girlish girls in online gay girl communities, re-watching The L Word, listening to KC and Elka 24/7, bitching on this blog more often, etc).

And the more univeral part of me just wants to connect to a new human being, regardless of their gender or if it's even romantic. He has so many qualities that I like and respect.

BUT I WANT A GIRLFRIEND. I know that relationships are relationships, and the gender of your partner doesn't necessarily change much. But why do I feel this way? Am I more gay than straight? It's possible. Do I just want what feels harder to get? Maybe. Am I trying to be different or rebellious? I'm not sure.

Furthermore, I've always wondered if part of why I'm more emotionally drawn to girls has anything to do with the fact that the woman who gave birth to me rarely thinks I meet her Subjective Bullshit Standards of Acceptability. Am I just trying to get the acceptance that I don't get from her? That doesn't sound healthy, and it makes me think that I'd be stupid and superficial for blowing off someone just because they are male.

Once again, I'm thinking too much. I shall try to be lighter and more amusing in my next post.

Oh, Bitch, Bitch, Bitch

I have to say that I wasn't entirely pleased with how gender roles were portrayed in last night's episode of Nip/Tuck. Here's background and a summary for those who didn't see it or don't watch the show:

Dr. Sean McNamara and Dr. Christian Troy are the handsome plastic surgeons who have been running their own business for 15+ years. They are best friends, and they are sort of opposites: Sean is more cautious and concerned with being the good guy. He is more talented at surgery than Christian. Christian, on the other hand, is the charming, broad-shouldered, metrosexual womanizer. He can be cruel and superficial, but he does have a heart.

Julia, Sean's ex-wife, suddenly proclaims that she's a lesbian early on in the season. She introduces her girlfriend, Olivia (played by Portia de Rossi), to Sean and Christian. She was married to Sean for several years, and they had been through several problems and separations. She claims that the root of it all was her gayness (which I think is a crock of shit).

Christian and Julia have always had an unrequited love story throughout the show (Christian is also the father of Julia's first son). A few episodes ago, Christian told Julia that she was just running away from him by claiming she's a lesbian. She slept with him, and he thought they would be together, but she really just manipulated him to "get it out of her system" and go back to Olivia.

Olivia is confident and tough; it's pretty hot. But in last night's episode, Julia and Olivia are carjacked by a pervert. Olivia proves she's not as strong as she seems; she whimpers the whole time. They survive, and Julia calls Christian to pick them up from the police station. Julia decides to get a gun for protection, and she and Christian go to the shooting range to practice. The symbolism and writing are so fucking obvious: purchasing a gun and being strong is equated with going back to dick.

At the end of the episode, Julia shows up at Christian's door and asks him to take care of her and make love to her. I'm a bit surprised that the writers of the show would be so predictable and stereotypical.

Julia annoys me for several reasons:

1. She's ugly and looks like an aging, blonde ferret; I have no idea why both Sean and Christian are so in love with her.
2. There's not much to her character; I have no idea why both Sean and Christian are so in love with her.
3. She's a pseudo-bisexual who runs away from her issues by trying to play for the team opposite of the the team she's having problems with.
4. When she sees Olivia's (understandable) weakness in the face of being gunned to death, she writes Olivia off and goes to Christian so she can be taken care of by a big, strong man. It's so predictable.
5. She might not even really have feelings for Christian; she might just be screwing him to get revenge on Sean for sleeping with Eden (Olivia's daughter).
   

Okay, um, I should get back to studying for finals and working on some real problems.

Quality Catching Up

I was hanging out with an old friend from high school whom I hadn't seen in about five years on Saturday. She obviously didn't know my orientation, but it ended up coming up in the conversation:

Me [whining]: I'm not sure I want to pursue this new guy yet.
Friend: Why, are you planning on becoming a lesbian?
Me: [pause] Well...sort of.
Friend: Really? Wow. I was just joking when I said that.

She then shared a theory on the guys getting hard watching two girls stereotype:

Friend: Guys who are so into girl-on-girl action are annoying. That's one thing I liked about my ex; he wasn't into it.
Me: Yeah, mine was like, "There's no cock; this is boring."
Friend: Hah, yes, I agree with that. Girl-on-girl action is not interesting to watch.
Me: Speak for yourself honey. Well..if it's two nasty straight girls doing it for two guys, then it's gross.
Friend: See, I don't even think most guys are even into that. They just hear that they're supposed to be, so they feed into the stereotype.
Me: I think you might be right.

While it Lasts

Date #2 with New Boy ("Seth") went pretty well (although I sort of got us lost, and I'm hoping he doesn't hate me for this). I'm starting to really like him and not preclude him based on his gender. We spent about five hours together, and it was fun, interesting, and thought-provoking. We connect (so far at least). I have a lot of respect for how talented, focused, and adaptive he is, and he makes me want to continue to grow.

I typically have a hard time with not censoring what I say around guys I'm interested in. But, for whatever reasons, I pretty much blurted out whatever I was thinking to him. This is a bit ironic since he might be a better person than I am.

A part of me just wants us to spill our dealbreakers to see if this could be a relationship, but it's too soon for that. Another part of me worries that we might just end up being friends. But even if that's the case, he'd be a worthwhile friend to have.

Oh, and I let him pay for dinner this time. I feel like I'm betraying something; maybe I'll always feel this way. I fear feeling suffocated if I commit too quickly. Bisexuality feels like a disability sometimes. At its worst, it feels like an extreme case of commitment-phobia.

Dee-licious

Natalie Portman has a brief role in The Darjeeling Limited. And in this brief role, she is somewhat comfortable with partial nudity (although it's not as hot as what she did in Closer).

And she looks SO FUCKING HOT with boy hair. She is quite the yummy one; I was mentally drooling.

"I Have to Praise You Like I Should"

If you're going to gush with celebrity worship (in this case it's celesbian worship), then you might as well go all the way and be honest about it. I'm just going to say it all.

KC and Elka are my standard for an ideal relationship. I know that we only see (or hear, rather) one side of them in their podcasts, and I know that they edit their podcasts to maximize the amount of continuous humor they exude. But I can't imagine staying with someone for nine years and STILL being that spontaneously funny. I can't even imagine staying with someone for nine years.

I busted out laughing when Elka predicted that Angelica would be wearing pants that say "JUICY" on the butt in season 5. The mental picture still cracks me up.

I'm seriously going to try to go to Pride in Albuquerque. And I just realized that I don't know any other Kelkians outside of the internet. This saddens me. I keep trying to get people I know to listen because they'd probably get hooked if they did. It'd be SO great to get drunk with other Kelkians and listen to new podcasts. But it is to no avail.

I don't want to imagine a day when there won't be more podcasts to look forward to. I'm guessing The L Word will end after season 5. And if it does, I really hope that the podcasts continue at least for a little while. Even if they're only on a monthly basis.

Technology can really fuck with your head. I'm sitting here writing a blog post about how strongly I feel about two people I've never seen or met.

The Gender Game in Gmail Chat

My male friend and I have always enjoyed bickering with each other over the years:

Friend: most women are horrible lays.....and even less can give decent head
me: that's pretty subjective
Friend: well all of this is subjective. I reached that conclusion from asking multiple men
me: it's not as subjective as the fact that men take forever to learn vagina!
dick is so easy
there are only two directions to go in
if a girl can't give head...she's an idiot
Friend: that attitude, is precisely why majority of women can't give decent head..they think it's just a case of mouth over penis
me: ??? why would they think that?
Friend: statistically, approx 5% of women can actually give good head
me: oh fuck you
as if you know
Friend: what do you mean 'as if I know'
me: you'd have to have been with all the women to know that
Friend: no statistic in this world is exhaustive, we go off samples, and that's what I did. OUT OF ALL the guys I've asked, only THREE have given me a number that's above 5
me: yeah, and did they finish?
me: men finish more than women. that says it all
Friend: I'd have to disagree. it doesn't say it all. a woman requires great sex to finish, a guy doesn't
me: ahhh. interesting
Friend: point being, that finishing is a big deal to women, because it implies great sex...for guys it doesn't
me: finishing is a big deal to women b/c it doesn't happen as often!! so mediocre sex for men is great sex for women
Friend: that's BS
me: lol
Friend: great sex is what's important. if 'finishing' was what mattered, why even talk to women, I could go to the bathroom and 'finish' in the next meeting
me: ok i see your point
Friend: I personally have on occasion had much better sex without 'finishing', then on the multiple occasions when I have.
me: did you like the girl?
Friend: don't remember her name or even exactly what she looks like
me: okay then

me: i do understand why guys get laid b/c most girls are straight. but i don't understand b/c girls can be more work in my experience
Friend: ha ha...that's so true. most guys over the age of 25, that have actually been active in the game, are usually so fed with the crap they have to do to get laid
me: yeah, well. it could be worse
Friend: how so?
me: you could be a gay girl trying to get laid
Friend: LOL LOL LOL LOL
me: it's true. the numbers are against the queers
Friend: that's true. what is your opinion on the assertion that 80%+ of women are at least bi-sexual?
me: there are seem to be more bi girls than guys i think
Friend: but do you think it's over 50%?
me: it's definitely possible...there are different ranges of bisexuality
me: by the way, i identify as bisexual. in case you didn't pick up on it by now
Friend: hmmm...I didn't know that...so you've been with a woman before???
me: you're turning all pervy!
Friend: ha ha.....what do you expect???? You don't tell a guy about girl/girl action and expect a nonchalant reaction!!!
me: what, did you think i'd give you details? i actually like girls emotionally too
Friend: A guy can hope
me: i'm not a "make out in front of a guy" bisexual
Friend: ohh..it's like serious. as in you would be in a long term relationship with a girl
me: yes. i would. sorry to burst your bubble
Friend: how have you 'burst my bubble?'
me: i dunno...girls holding hands isn't as exciting as girls fucking
Friend: but if they're holding hands, it still means that when the lights go off.......you know the drill
me: *rolls eyes

Podcrack

"I want a nostril reduction."-KC, admitting a body image issue

"You don't call lesbians nut juice!!"-Elka, after a listener called them "nut juice"

Elka: Are we Prozac or Viagra?
KC: Vicodin!

"Can I get a sippy cup and a tampon?! God!!"-Imitating what Bette would say for Angelica, the baby who is growing exponentially

"Didn't you ever seen a rap battle And by that I mean, haven't you ever seen that movie 8 Mile?" KC, making a good point

"I like to lick pussy on the weekends!"-KC, doing a mock confession for a Catholic priest

"You don't understand!"

FTM's fascinate me; I find it so interesting to look at before and after pictures of them. And some of them turn out to be very attractive males. It's like a different layer of androgyny.

And for some reason, I find tranny fags to be super hot. I'm not sure why. In season 5, I'd love to see Max 1) not talk and 2) fuck a guy again.

It's amazing how much they can change their bodies by taking testosterone. At the same time, I wonder if hormones are all that gender really is. It's kind of creepy that the physical expression of an entire gender identity can be distilled into a bottle of hormones. It sort of diminishes the weight that a gender identity can hold.

If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em?

I'm sort of contradicting myself compared to the previous post. I pretty much broke all the rules I set for myself. I told myself I wouldn't pursue anything involving emotions with a guy until I evened things out and got some more experiences with girls. I also realized that I tend to fall for the same type of guy and have the same type of problems with them.

But after the depression and rage I feel after experiencing this brand of pain, I guess I sort of threw this rule out the window. In the past few days I've hung out with two guys. The contexts weren't entirely platonic, but it was too soon to get any non-platonic physical contact from either one of them.

One ("Sean") is bi, friendly, silly, and somehow manages to be butch and flamboyant at the same time. I can't say I find him physically attractive (he sports the teddy bear figure), but I feel emotionally comfortable around him, and we can talk about boys and girls together. He's very huggable, and we're planning to have a platonic cuddle buddy session at some point in the near future.

The other guy ("Seth") is tall, straight, athletic, brilliant, sweet. We had a traditional "date" in which he offered to pay for dinner (I didn't let him), and then he asked me if I wanted to see a movie with him for another date. The whole thing made me feel like 1) a girl 2) a straight girl. If things keep going like this, I should be putting out on the third date.

I really like Seth, and I find him very attractive. We seem to connect and click so far. But I'm afraid he's just another one of the types I fall for; he even has the same NAME as my ex (which is still confusing). But he doesn't seem as grouchy, so I'm going to try to stop pre-judging him.

But the truth is that if a girl I really liked came along, I'd probably pursue her. I clearly want a girlfriend, but I get tired of girls constantly disappointing me. And it hurts so much more (compared to boys) when they do. I feel so resistant when it comes to committing to a guy, but I always seem to have an easier time with them.

I feel like a bad person for saying all this. I don't want to "take what I can get" or lead anyone on. I'd like to be able to say that I'm looking for the same qualities in a man as I am in a women and that it's all the same to me, but...it doesn't feel that way right now.

I also feel guilty for being so susceptible to male flattery, even if we do click. And if we continue to see each other, I refuse to be the type of bisexual who just identifies as straight because I'm seeing a guy.

Being bi is such a pain in the ass. I know I'm overthinking it all. I won't feel as indecisive if I ever get to see Seth without his clothes on.

Poor Straightey

I've noticed two patterns when my female friends tell me about their boyfriends:

1. They impersonate their boyfriend using an ape-like voice.
2. They bitch about his inability to give them orgasms.

Where You At?

Me: is california more gay like everyone says it is?
Friend: yep and that's why they had the wild fires there
Friend: it was god smiting us
Me: haha!
Friend: oh...i don' t know if it's any gayer
Friend: i mean san diego has hillcrest
Friend: which is the gay part.. like boystown
Friend: and la has west hollywood
Friend: but i think people are just way more laid back in general there
Friend: so even if people don't like it..they're too lazy to do much about it
Friend: but there's definitely still opposition there too
Friend: it's not just easy breezy..but it's better than podunk illinois
Me: oo, i could tolerate a lazy homophobe
Me: in season 3 of the l word they make midwesterners look like flannel-wearing hicks
Me: and LA as LESBIANVILLE
Friend: well don't you wear flannel
Friend: haha
Friend: i do wear flannel pajama pants on occasion
Me: that's different
Friend: they're pink, haha
Me: haha, pink flannel

Just Like Everybody Else Does

Sigh, there was a girl I liked. She liked me too. We clicked and had potential. But she wanted me to be 100% out, and it's not a wise option for me at this point. She made it an ultimatum, so now she's gone. I feel endless rage at the fact that hiding has to be a survival tactic.

I sorta feel like Season 1 David in Six Feet Under. She definitely is like Keith about her orientation: she's blunt and makes no apologies. I respect that, but it's a very black-or-white view to just expect someone to leap out of the closet all at once. I do see where she's coming from though.

I try to keep this blog somewhat entertaining and interesting (and not too personal), but I don't have the energy for that at the moment. Perhaps in a day or two.

Thank Kelka

I was giggling at work this week as I listened to the two, new, awesome Kelka podcasts. I love that feeling of laughing out loud in public and looking like a weirdo.

There totally should be a Kelka pride parade. And then a dance party afterwards. And a part of me totally wants to fly to Albuquerque during Pride to possibly see what they look like and party with other Kelkians.

In light of this holiday, I want to say that I seriously am grateful to them for their humor and confidence; it's contagious and much-needed.

I was mental blogging in my sleep for this blog. How nerdy am I? And I remember having a good post idea, but I have no idea what it is now. I'm surprised I've maintained this blog for so long.

Posting shall resume on Monday. Happy Thanksgiving break!

When Het Fashion Goes Wrong

The contrast in this picture amuses me:


Kate is looking pretty hot, but the woman next to her looks like a scary clown (click image for a more frightening magnification). She's wearing too much make-up, especially with her eyeshadow. She looks plastic. The irony is that she seems pretty, and she'd probably look good with little to no make-up. I hope she isn't gay, because that'd be even worse.

Kinda Gay

Me: on on unrelated note, last night i dreamt that some doctor figured out how to temporarily bring my cat back to life...laugh it up
Friend: LOL..some people miss their parents or grandparents. you miss your CAT.

Me: but i mean, life ultimately is about trying to get what you want, managing life when you get it, dealing with not getting it, dealing with disappointment when you realize that what you wanted wasn't all that great, etc.
Friend: true
Me: and the only thing that can change in this crappy equation is your view of it
Me: and this equation is like bad sex with a man...what a redundant conclusion
Friend: hahahah!!!!

Comic Relief

I had a dream in which almost every girl who had ever disappointed me (romantically or platonically) either taunted or teased me. Some of them worked together. It was like they all played for one team...a team against me. It was torturesome.

Must. quote. Kelka.

"I musta looked like a big tomato!"-KC, commenting on how she must have looked in an overheated classroom with her Spanish teacher

"I'm gonna hit you with something...like my lips."-Elka, expressing cute irritation with KC's silly voice overload

"She's like, 'This is never going to happen again; I assure you. Now lay down on the floor, and let me show you that I can resist you.'"-KC, imitating Dylan and all "straight" girls

"They know who had the anus."-KC, getting lost in her own sentence about Paige

"If you have something to say to us, you know where we live. We're in Albuquerque. Just look around till you see a dyke; it's probably one of us! I will take you down Octopus Head!!"-Elka, sending threats to Betty

"It's like we're recording the Harry Potter books on tape."-Elka, commenting on KC's silly voices again

Shameless Self Indulgence

I'm an amalgam of the following television show characters:

• Darlene Connor from Roseanne (dry, sarcastic, vegetarian)

• Adrian Monk from Monk (I have a handful phobias, some of which are rational, and some of which are not)

• Brenda Chenowith from Six Feet Under (painfully intellectual)

• Claire Fisher from Six Feet Under (constantly searching beneath the surface for more meaning via art)

• David Fisher from Six Feet Under (struggles with accepting his gayness)

• Luke Danes from Gilmore Girls (no, I don't wear flannel and a backwards baseball cap, but I have a grouchy layer that covers a softer one)

As for The L Word, I honestly identify with bits of Bette, Shane, Alice, Dana, and even Jenny the Cunt From Hell. I love it when I can be a hilarious bitch like Bette; I can be emotionally counterproductive like Shane; I'm more emotionally attracted to girls like Alice; I can be a dorky jock like Dana; and I can get lost in myself and in writing like Jenny.

Nip/Fuck

I felt unsure about this season after watching this week's episode of Nip/Tuck. It felt like there was too much obscenity for obscenity's sake. I love it when shows willingly push the envelope and get raw and graphic. But there has to be a purpose to it, and I feel like that was lacking in this past episode. Perhaps it was a transitional episode. Or maybe I'm in Six Feet Under mode and have more of an appreciation for subtety at the moment.

Anyways, here are my comments:

-Julia is not a very convincing lesbian. Are they making her appear unconvincing on purpose? I like how she played Christian, but she and Olivia look weird together. They look like they could be sisters, and it's like a blonde overload.

-I still think Julia is bisexual at most. I also think she's a pseudo-bisexual who is running from her issues with men by being with a woman.

-Why is Sean acting like a 15 year old boy? Why is he so attracted to Eden? She's an ugly, airheaded cunt. The fact that she called Annie fat made me sick. The fact that Sean, a middle-aged man, turned to gawk at Eden in the middle of a conversation with his daughter

didn't sit well with me either. And Eden's concept of maintaining her "virginity" was so fucking obnoxious.

-Why are Sean and Christian so in love with Julia? What's so great about her?

-It would be interesting to see Julia and Christian try to be a couple. I don't know if it'd work though.

-Yaay, Matt and Kimber are drug addicts with a baby. Way to show character growth.

-Where the hell was Wilbur? You know, Christian's adopted son?

-Why is Christian pursuing a career as a gigolo?

I guess I was expecting the characters to grow a little. Maybe I shouldn't expect that. Maybe part of this season is about corruption and being out of control.

Ouch

I think I might have had my first experience with open bigotry this evening. I'm not entirely sure though because I don't know what criteria was being held against me.

I got off work and went to a health foods store that I regularly shop at. I was perusing the aisle when this middle-aged woman gave me a look of irritation and them mumbled something like, "I don't even know why you're here other than to annoy me." Then she rushed away to a different aisle as if my presence was irritating her. I was dumbfounded and decided to shrug it off.

But then we coincidentally ended up in the same aisle again and she said the same thing, except she said it louder and looked me directly in the eye when she said it. I replied with confused, half-chuckling, "Whaaat?" And she mocked me like a child by repeating what I said in a condescending tone. My heart thumped. I was officially pissed.

After I bought my stuff, I went up to her and very calmly asked her what her problem was. She told me to go away and that she didn't want to talk to me. I told her I didn't do anything to her, and she replied, "That's right, you didn't do anything." I told her she needed help, gave her the finger, and said "Fuck you" in a monotone voice as I exited the store. It probably wasn't worth the effort to confront a bitch like that, but I managed to express myself without making a scene.

For a minute I considered what I could have done to offend her. But nothing came to mind. I don't think there's anything inherently offensive about my appearance. I suppose I could be considered odd-looking because my ethnicity isn't always obvious to most people. But I think I'm a relatively normal-looking person.

Did she think I'm some punk kid with no job? I could pass for a 16 year old. Is she a racist? Could she somehow tell I'm queer? Who fucking knows. All of these thoughts ran through my head. I know they shouldn't have. I know she clearly was taking out her own issues onto me. But I still felt hurt. And I wish I could have at least known what her problem with me was, even if it probably was ignorant, irrational, or not even related to me. For all I know the cunt could be psychologically unstable.

I guess I'm writing this here because if this minor incident hurt, I don't know how I'd deal with discrimination that's even more blatant, offensive, or bigoted.

Uhhh...

Disclaimer #1: I'm well aware that I use a lot of stereotypes to assess the orientation of a person in this post. I don't think my assessment is incorrect, but I acknowledge that I could be incorrect.

So I'm hanging out with my friend, and I happened to browse her facebook profile. I was looking at her friends and spotted a cute gay-looking girl. We got to talking about this cute gay-looking girl (whom I'll refer to as Esther).

I had a "WTF?" moment when my friend told me that Esther identified as straight.

Um, okay, sure, she could be straight. But let's examine the criteria here:

1. she's androgynous
   
2. she sports the cool-looking boy cut
3. she dresses boyish
4. she has a deep voice
5. she's a vegan
6. she's a feminist
7. she's a hippy in the "I ride my bike everywhere" sense
8. she has some interest in Indian culture (another hippy'ish trait)
   
9. her boyfriend could be described as being "flagrant"
10. etc.
    

Esther has to at least be bi. The funny part is that she openly supports LGBT interests and is interested in her school's Gay Straight Alliance (and she makes sure to make her 'heterosexuality' clear there). I'm partly convinced that this can be part of one of the stages of denial. Like, "Look at me, I'm so 'comfortable' with being 'straight' that I can hang out gay with people and advocate their equality." The truth is they're just inching their way to gayville.

Disclaimer #2: I know everyone has their own timeline in accepting themselves. I completely understand this. Hell, it took me forever to, and I sometimes feel like a dumbass in hindsight. But the question, "Who do you think you're kidding?" keeps popping into my head here.

I don't know why this amuses me so much. Anytime I see a clearly closeted gay person or a clearly closeted gay couple (a gay guy and girl pretending to be a couple), I crack up. Perhaps it masks my underlying frustration with the idea of being closeted in general. It's pretty awful to be in a phase in which you keep trying to lie to yourself.

Or I'm just a cunt.

Because...?

I was listening to the radio, and there was a discussion over a double standard: if two girls kiss, they aren't necessarily gay/bi, but if two guys kiss, then they are definitely gay/bi.

One woman confirmed this double standard by saying that girls are supposed to experiment and guys aren't. Another said that girls kiss other girls because it turns guys on.

I felt irritated and switched to another station.

Why can't guys experiment? Why can't guys enjoy kissing other guys and be okay with leaving it at that?

And, most importantly, why can't guys kiss for the sake of turning girls like me on?

Status

• I am suffering from acute yet chronic kitty withdrawal. No, I do not mean that as any sort of sex pun. But this blog seemed like the right place to advertise this frustration. Since I'm unable to buy one of my own at the moment, I need to find a way to access a cute, young, moderately friendly cat within the next month. And when I do, I am likely to inflict a loud and obnoxious degree of affection onto him/her. If these withdrawal symptoms intensify, I might just start befriending people I don't like to use them for their cats. I feel like George Costanza for saying this. Luckily I'm not serious. Yet.
  

• I like to look like a girl; I like to look like a boy. I'm occasionally envious of those who can simultaneously look like both. Oh well.

• Sometimes I wish I could use being queer as an excuse to avoid doing things like using purses or wearing ugly heels ( I like heels, just not hideous ones--a subjective statement, I know). But I guess that would just reinforce stereotypes.
  

Coincidence

So I'm at a Borders as I chill and wait for some friends to get off work. And I see two women hanging out together. They looked familiar, but I couldn't place my finger on where I had seen them before. I was kinda staring for a few seconds, and I felt like a rude asshole until I finally recognized who they were. I asked them, "Are you Oz and Slicey?" And they were like "Uh...yeah...we've never been recognized in public before."

We briefly chatted about season 5, and they said that the actresses like this season second only to season one, so they're looking forward to it (I think the actresses have a better idea of what makes a good season then Ilene does). The conversation was a bit awkward, but it was pleasant.

By the way, Oz and Slicey are the creators and maintainers of this website.

But the Podcast Goes On!

"I'm gonna beat your ass at Word Association! I dominate the sport of Word Association!"-KC, mocking Elka for labeling "word association" as a game

"Why did I write seatbelt is up in my arms? ...oh, anus."-KC, clarifying her notes regarding the Paige/Shane sex scene

"It's a cartoon of a cat shitting!"-Elka, articulating the hilarious drawing for the listeners

"I like to dress like a girl and fuck like a man."-Elka, saying a hilariously shocking statement

"I have curly hair that is in a halo around my head."-Elka, defining her Jewfro

"It's like those old Westerns when the guy takes like five minutes to die. He's like [groans], and he falls down and rolls around and climbs back up a poll and then eventually like gets run over by a horse and then dies again a few times."-KC, comparing Sounder's death to the sillyness of Westerns

Snippets

This is from two years ago:

Me: I think I want to slowly become more girly.

Friend: Does this mean no more lightsaber duels?

Me: Oh fuck no! There will always be lightsaber duels. And I'll still watch Batman: The Animated Series

Friend: You rock.

Damn straight.

This is from two days ago (different friend):

Friend: I didn't like American Beauty

Me: Mmmm Wes Bentley. Mmmm Kevin Spacey.

Friend: Hah, you and your old man crushes.

Me: Shut up! Kevin Spacey is attractive!

Friend: I mean, mine are worse...like Anthony Hopkins and Ian McKellan

Me: Well, you better bring your dildo if you want Ian.

Friend: LOL

Me: And lots of lube!

Friend: lol/gross/mmm

Yeah, we're sick.

Gasp!

I literally did gasp when Portia came onto the screen during Nip/Tuck. Julia is in a lesbian relationship?! I knew there would be some lesbian drama going on with Portia on the show, but Julia as a lesbian? I guess it's believable, but I'm guessing Julia is bisexual.

I like how Julia coming out to Sean and Christian ended their obnoxious competitiveness. Christian's perverted reaction was accurate and in character.

I can't say that I find Portia especially attractive, but her character's demeanor is definitely hot. I think Julia is hideous; she looks like a ferret. I have no idea why both Sean and Christian fought over her.

I loved the look on Liz's face when she realized that Julia was dating a woman. I want Liz to find love...or just get laid.

Christian is not as hot as he used to be; he looked ridiculous in those leopard briefs during his photo shoot.

I hope the show does a good and interesting job of exploring Julia's bisexuality. She was a rather boring character before since all she did was get knocked up and whine about not being able to be a doctor.

Ah, the drama. Gotta love it.

" "

"No, I like the taste of blood! Kill! Kill!"-KC, caricaturing the stereotypical war hungry Republicans

"I urinated all over the couch."-Elka, stating her reaction to the fact that they didn't get rid of the Betty intro in season 4

"I wouldn't marry someone who didn't use punctuation."-KC, after reading someone's punctuation-less marriage proposal on the Valentine's Day podcast (I have to agree with her on this point)

"And then Shane vacuums up Mount Everest."-Elka, referring to Shane's massive cocaine use

"You are very voweluptuous."-KC, making a cute pun in reference to Elka's name

"Why are you so obsessed with butt today?"-Elka, asking KC a good question

Let it Out

I'm proud of myself for some things that I did this weekend. I came out of a few different types of closets:

• I finally came out to a friend I had been meaning to come out to for a while. I was waiting for the right time until I threw the notion of "the right time" out the window and just did it. Good friends will listen no matter what the timing is.

• I had a rough time with a few challenging situations, and I (*gasp*) opened up to friends about it. I didn't just bottle it up and let it fester like I usually do. What a concept!

No, I didn't come out completely in the gay way. But I've noticed that I hide the parts of myself that I won't think certain people will want to put up with. I feel like a burden or that my issues don't merit attention. I invalidate my own problems and identity by keeping it in. And isn't that sort of what being in the closet is like?

I'm getting to a point where I just need to be more honest with people even though the consequences of this terrify me. But in the words of Bettina from Six Feet Under, "I think if you're afraid of something? It means you should probably do it."

Come Again?

“I’ve learned that there are straight lesbians, then women who are a little bit of lesbian, then women who are a little bit more. There are various levels."-Pam Grier

I agree that there are levels, but what exactly is a straight lesbian? Isn't that an oxymoron?

And by "Sunday," I mean "Saturday"

• I've been a lot less judgemental of myself in the respects that I outlined in this post.

• I feel like some of the more recent fashions are for either females with really long torsoes or females who want longer shirts to show their hips. I do not fall into either of these categories. I like my hips; I think they are a good size for me. But I don't want to advertise them either. If someone wants to see them, then they'll just have to get permission. This may or may not be a gender-related issue.

• A classmate took notice to my gay man gestures the other day. She didn't use the words "gay man gestures," but she totally teased me and impersonated how I enthusiastically flicked my hands outwards. The worst part is that I flicked my hands outwards when I said the word "fabulous."

Notice

Posting will resume on Sunday.

Haven't Run Out Yet

"Where's my bling?"-Elka, pretending to demand gifts on her birthday podcast

"C'mon we gotta get t his podcast done so I can go outside and ride my unicorn."-KC, mocking Christians who use silly language

"I think he likes me...BLARGH!"-Elka, imitating the scene in which Jenny buys Sounder

"Your mom wears boys' panties! Your mom wears boy's panties!"-KC, predicting what Shay's schoolmates will say to him

"It's a total botanical dildo."-Elka, referring to the shape of a bush in Dana's happy place

"My dream shot of Bette is, she's like, "Fuck you Tina. Take you and your skanky ass baby and go down to het town."-KC, communicating how many probably felt during season 3

KC: You bought Slim Jims...you skanky..I can't believe you brought those into my house!
Elka: They weren't' Slim Jims; they were an off brand.
KC: Okay, that's even worse.

"Let me put my chocolate poplar into your white sugar baby."-Elka being dirty with her and KC's coincidentally perverted porn names

"He didn't love me. Not really anyway. He was just trying to get something that he didn't have."

During high school and college, I always confused attraction with admiration/jealousy. I couldn't tell if I liked a girl because I wanted her or if I wanted to be more like her. It was confusing, and sometimes I'll still get mixed up. But now I pretty much just classify crushes as sexual or non-sexual.

The following is from a very amusing and Seinfeld-like series of conversations about my friend "Amanda" having a non-sexual "crush" on a classmate named "Nancy." Nancy is beautiful and popular, of course. Amanda is completely straight, but she still gets excited at receiving approval from Nancy and feels jealous and competitive when Nancy gives her "affections" to other girls (bear in mind, these people are in graduate school).

MouseGirl: quick love life update
ShaneMo: yes?
MouseGirl: orgasmic moment: yesterday, i looked hideous
MouseGirl: BUT i ran into my female crush, and ....
MouseGirl: SHE ASKED ME OUT!!!!
ShaneMo: HAHAHAHAHA
ShaneMo: i thought this was going to be about YOUR BOYFRIEND
MouseGirl: oh lol
ShaneMo: you said LOVE LIFE
MouseGirl: err.
ShaneMo: i love you
MouseGirl: :-)
ShaneMo: you're making it sound like a DATE
MouseGirl: lol well....
ShaneMo: this is like george and the mimbo!!
MouseGirl: i knowwwwwwww
ShaneMo: hahahaha
MouseGirl: her boyfriend will be there
ShaneMo: uh oh, don't get jealous
MouseGirl: naw its a guy
MouseGirl: i would be jealous if she asked another woman out
ShaneMo: LOL competition!
MouseGirl: AND she asked me to be secretary of her club
ShaneMo: yr going to be her right hand!
MouseGirl: i spent 25 minutes trying to formulate a reply email
ShaneMo: awww
MouseGirl: that didn't sound too needy or eager, but appropriately (and
heterosexually) enthusiastic
ShaneMo: hahaha
MouseGirl: she was like "we wanted you to be secretary because you're so cute and positive and upbeat!"
MouseGirl: "you're always smiling when i see you!"
ShaneMo: your ego must have been through the roof
MouseGirl: (duh...im smiling because i see her!)
ShaneMo: yeah, yr smiling b/c yr infatuated w/ her
MouseGirl: lol tru, thats why the moment was orgasmic

But alas...trouble in paradise is inevitable:

MouseGirl: someone irritating is attempting to usurp nancy's affections
ShaneMo: HAHAH
MouseGirl: i need to squelch her
ShaneMo: so what's your competition's name?
MouseGirl: kate
ShaneMo: do tell more
MouseGirl: i hate her!
ShaneMo: hahah
MouseGirl: she wasnt even going to be ON our club's board but nancy had to ask her b/c kate's dad is the faculty sponser
ShaneMo: ohhh! politics
MouseGirl: i talked to her friday and she was like "whats that girls name?"
MouseGirl: and i was like "HER NAME IS NANCY."
ShaneMo: LOL...protective are we?
MouseGirl: and NOW the bitch is like best friends with nancy
ShaneMo: nancy doesn't seem like she has high standards for friendship
ShaneMo: she seems like a generally nice people person
ShaneMo: ohhh now SHE'S the right hand
MouseGirl: yes she is very friendly
MouseGirlnot yet, the bitch is going down
ShaneMo: hahaha
ShaneMo: i love you
MouseGirl: i dont care how much money her daddy gave
ShaneMo: i'm sorry babe
ShaneMo: you'll kick her ass
MouseGirl: AND
MouseGirl: kate she thinks she looks like me!
ShaneMo: HAHAHAH
MouseGirl: shes been telling people that!
ShaneMo that's so seinfeldian!!
MouseGirl: i KNOW
MouseGirl: but her nose is bigger than mine
ShaneMo: hahaha
ShaneMo: you've got bigger boobs tho i'm sure
MouseGirl: oh ive kicked her ass in that dept
ShaneMo: lol, well, anyone who has bigger boobs than you would probably look like a freak
MouseGirl: lol tru
MouseGirl: BUT
MouseGirl: i know i have a small head
ShaneMo: LOL
MouseGirl: but she has a pin head
MouseGirl: and a big body
MouseGirl: and freakishly large hands
ShaneMo: i haven't noticed...your small head
MouseGirl: KATE POINTED IT OUT
MouseGirl: she was like "you have a small head"
ShaneMo: dude you're killing me here...it hurts to laugh, my throat is going to explode
MouseGirl: "i thought my head was small until i saw yours"
MouseGirl: LOL
ShaneMo: i really haven't noticed your "small head"
MouseGirl: good
ShaneMo: furthermore, i doubt nancy critiques and compares you two on the basis of head size
ShaneMo: you're projecting your own insecurities...about your small head..onto her
MouseGirl: perhaps
MouseGirl: i do have a small head, but i think hers is smaller!
ShaneMo: LOL AMANDA
ShaneMo: you're so missing the point!
MouseGirl: lol i think i might have a new nemesis
ShaneMo: admit it, you just want to use the word "nemesis"
MouseGirl: lol maybe, but its true
ShaneMo: don't worry, you will kick her ass
ShaneMo: you're so hot
MouseGirl: well i do have better style
MouseGirl: seeing as how kate wears the same blue scrubs every single dasy
ShaneMo: you kick kate's ass in living vicariously off of nancy!
MouseGirl: basically i kick her ass in every area that counts!
MouseGirl: head size, style
MouseGirl: living vicariously
ShaneMo: LOL
ShaneMo: any other areas that count?
MouseGirl: boobs?
ShaneMo: like, oh, i dunno...personality?

I find these intense non-sexual crushes to be interesting. The conversation is very much like the episode of Seinfeld in which George has a crush on the Mimbo. He always talks about how the Mimbo is "such a cool guy," and Jerry says something like, "What is this, the eighth grade?" My friend has always gotten these crushes in which she basically just wants approval from some girl she admires. It boils down to a straightforward self-esteem issue.

Isn't there always that component to a relationship though? To try to get something that you don't have? This could apply to personality traits, looks, and even anatomy. Maybe I'm just being cynical.

Hmmmm. I'm sure I'll have more thoughts on the subject later.

Withdrawal

"I have an announcements to make!"-KC, forgetting the rules of English grammar

"I am a disciple of Carmen's butt cheeks."-Elka, giving Carmen's ass the credit it deserves

"Can I get some breast milk up in here? Now! Can I get a heated bottle? Jesus!"-KC, accurately impersonating Bette

"That sounds like a euphemism: 'I fell of the Mexican bus.'"-Elka, making an astute observation

"My favorite flower is the Butt Flower."-KC, being hilariously immature

"Don't you keep your car keys in a bowl of limes?"-Elka, making fun of Shane in episode 401

"Alice gets the shaft from everyone she dates. Except for Lisa, who she wanted the shaft from"-Elka, making a predictable but cute pun

Fags vs Dykes

I was listening to the Kelka podcast (I believe it was 304) in which KC asserted that society and religion hate gay women more than gay men. Elka disagreed. I thought about it, and here's my take:

-I think society and religion hate sex between two men more than sex between two women.

-However, I think society and the media find the gay male stereotype (flamboyant, fashionable fag) more marketable and entertaining than the gay female stereotype (lumberjack lesbo). The L Word proves this.

-And sex between two women gets turned into an obnoxious straight male porn fantasy.

In the end, I'm not sure who has it worse.

Gay Teevee

I've been re-watching Six Feet Under. The show resonates with me on many levels. And in spite of the fact that it doesn't have girls kissing on a regular basis, it's making me forget that The L Word even exists. It's also making me feel like a bit of a perv because I find myself re-playing the scenes in which David kisses another guy. It doesn't melt my panties off, but it's like this hot mindfuck.

For some odd reason, however, I want to re-watch season 3 of The L Word. It's like one of those weird cravings pregnant women experience. Even though a lot of the episodes were infuriating, there were some good moments.

I'm also looking forward to this upcoming season of Nip/Tuck. From some spoilers I saw, there's going to be some more gay goodness.

I haven't seen any of that Tila Tequila show on MTV. I guess it's an interesting concept. But I have a feeling Tila will end up choosing a guy. I don't know enough about her to make that judgement, but it's just a prediction. It's fine if she does choose a dude, but it'd be nice to see a bisexual female not reinforce the stereotype that men take priority. But who knows. Maybe she'll end up choosing who she likes best and that person's gender will be irrelevant.

Hah, I'm bi, and I'm skeptical of another bisexual.

I like TV too much.

O Kelka, Where Art Thou?

"Zack Braff is a woman with a penis!"-KC, attempting to justify her "crush" on him by calling him feminine

"We'll take the snowboarders, and you hets can keep the figure skaters. Anyone with that type of fashion sense doesn't belong in our community."-Elka, making a good point

"Well your ass doesn't have assnails...I hope."-KC, trying to objectively compare the grossness between the ass and the toe

"I hope like nothing else for season 5 that Shane shows up with a pregnant belly."-Elka, making a hilariously ridiculous prediction

"Sexy time for Jesus!"-KC, reading a SPAM mail subject

"They have a thing for big foreheads on this show!"-Elka, making an astute observation

Kelka theorizing about the audible fart in episode 404:
KC: You think that's a Leisha Haily actual fart?
Elka: No, I think she has a fart double.

Words vs Pictures

Sometimes I think I should keep a tab of how gay or straight I feel on each day, enter the data into Excel, and make a pretty graph of it. I clearly am a nerd, and I'm clearly letting work seep into my my non-work life.

Appropriate visuals are key to an effective presentation. I spent about 20 minutes creating this crappy diagram of high school (click image for a clearer view):

Stuff

• What's with lesbians being vegetarians? Why am I more likely to be in the gay part of the city when I'm at a vegetarian/vegan restaurant? Why am I more likely to see a gay person at Whole Foods? And I don't want anyone comparing the male genitalia to meat.

• I feel like people inaccurately interchange the labels "androgynous" and "butch." There's a difference. Androgyny is the combination of masculine and feminine features; butchness is leaning towards the exclusively masculine end of the spectrum. The former is gray; the latter is black/white.

• I'm addicted to American Eagle's boybriefs. They're so cute and/or hot! I'm sure you needed to know this.
  

We Miss You Kelka

The Planet Podcast: Off Season, SammaDome

I'd say this is one of the funniest podcasts. Most of it can't be transcribed in a way that does justice to the the humor in their voices (e.g. the frog story). Here are some lame attempts though:

"She has to be a vegetarian. She has to love falafel."-Elka, imitating the sort of lesbian who chooses who she loves (as opposed to falling in love with someone spontaneously).

Kelka are discussing what KC would theoretically put on her mental checklist of a potential ideal girlfriend:
KC: This is true. I do enjoy sillyness in the voice..ness.
Elka: I dunno what else would be on your checklist
KC: That's pretty much it..silly voices.
Both: [laugh]

KC: Basically I had to give a presentation about a highly technically advanced topic to a room full of high technologically advanced people
Elka: Like robots?

Like what level of celebrity hell do you have to exist on to be like, 'I gotta find out where Webster lives.'-Elka, posing a valid question

Duh?

A few months ago, my friend (Jane) was telling me about a male friend of hers (Jack) who is about our age and is still a virgin. I immediately wondered if he was in the closet or religious. She thought this too, and she assured me that he wasn't; he just insisted he hadn't met anyone whom he connected with. She said, "It [male virgins] happens more often than you'd think." I shrugged, agreed, and forgot about it.

A while later Jane informed me that Jack had a serious girlfriend and that he no longer was a virgin. In my head, I said, "Congratulations," and then I forgot about it.

A while later, Jane told me about a conversation with Jack that went a little something like this:

Jane: So, how's your girlfriend?
Jack: We broke up.
Jane: What?! Why?
Jack: It just wasn't working.
Jane: Well didn't you have fun during that trip you took to Europe together?
Jack: Yes, we did...
Jane: So, what was the problem? Really, you can tell me.
Jack: We just aren't..compatible..
Jane: You seemed so in love with her.
Jack: I was, but..
Jane: Was it a sex thing?
Jack: Sorta...
Jane:...
Jack: I'm gay.
Jane: Buh?

My friend reenacted the look of dumbfounded shock on her face, and it looked a little something like this.

You would think that queer people would have above average gaydar, but that's not always the case.

Greetings!

Here are some search engine keywords that have led people to my blog:

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Looks like some horny people are finding me. And I like last one because Jhumpa Lahiri is kinda hot.

Save Me from the Binary

So I was talking to a nerdy and dorky hetero friend. She was telling me how she's been watching all the Batman movies and how she simultaneously crushes and idolizes him; in other words, she both lusts after him and wants to be him.

She then asked if it was weird that she, a straight female with an overactive imagination, always pretended to be male heroes as a kid. I told her it wasn't weird at all: male heroes generally have more fun, are stronger, and have cooler skills or powers. There aren't as many cool female heroes.

I then mentioned Xena. Yes, I enjoyed watching that show as a kid. Yes, I'm dorky, nerdy, etc. Yes, I'm totally GAY for watching a bunch of females in somewhat scantily clad outfits beat up people. (And finally, yes, I'm lame for occasionally watching it to re-live my childhood. I admit all of this, but the show had some decent writing, the courage to show lesbian subtext, and the willingness to show women be physically and psychologically strong, even it was unrealistic).

She made fun of me and said she didn't connect to Xena in part because she's too manly. I do and don't see what she means. I personally think Xena balances masculine and feminine characteristics: she has long hair, shows cleavage, and wears a skirt, but she's also ruthless, violent, and strong. Wow, a three-dimensional woman. What a concept.

Fine, whatever. Everyone has their preferences and tastes. Xena does grunt a lot, after all.

My friend then said that when she imagines herself as a male hero, she also imagines herself pursuing a female love interest. She said this weirds her out. I rolled my eyes; the poor heterosexual is a little queer, boo hoo. Yeah, I'm a bitch. But I also think that's normal because people generally see romantic interactions in a male-to-female paradigm: if Batman pursued another guy, then he'd be gay.

I find some of this to be slightly bothersome: is pretending to be a man the only way to identify with a cool superhero? And is it acceptable for a female hero to have some masculine characteristics? Furthermore, is the only way for a female to be acceptable in the butt-kicking role is if she's wearing next to nothing? I guess I'm not nerdy enough to know about all the heroes out there: I know some of the female mutants in X-Men are pretty cool.

Aw

Well now, this is an interesting story with a happy ending.

Read it!

Bleh

• I think my "bidar" is probably more accurate than my gaydar. I guess that makes sense.
• So, um, I finally officially realized that I'm scared of pursuing a relationship with a girl. And I'm not particularly interested in being casual, so I guess this leaves me in half-assed heteroville? I don't want to elaborate, but admitting this is a good place to start, right?
• On a related note, the thought of being in a committed relationship with a guy sounds sooo boring at the moment.
  
• I saw a preview teaser clip for season 5 of The L Word. I can't say that I'm enticed. I think they're going to fuck this season up too.
  
• I love Kate Moennig and all, but after seeing some of these pictures, I think she needs to put on some pounds. And her Michael Jackson-esque fashion is sorta odd.
  

Busy Busy

I love this blog, but I'm taking a break from it.

Posting will resume next week.

Observe Thyself

Part of the reason why I started this blog was so I could understand and accept myself more. I'm generally very in tune with my interior, but sometimes I miss things. And I've noticed that I still judge myself:

• I judge myself when my sexuality frequently fluctuates; I keep thinking that there's some "right" way to be bi or that I'm bi for the "wrong" reasons. Like I'm just using different people for different purposes.

• I judge myself when I feel straight now! I feel I'm some sort of "hasbien."

• I judge myself when I was to look boyish or indulge in some of my more boyish interests (e.g. films with cool martial arts scenes). And I have a complex over not being comfortable wearing white people dresses 90% of the time.
  

I need to find that place in myself that can just observe and absorb all the parts of me that I consider unacceptable. Because observation is neutral, and I need to dwell in a more neutral place.

Observe and Ask

Sometimes, I'll be wearing, say, a pink turtleneck, and I'll feel more like a genderbending "fag" than a girl.

Also, is there a difference between saying "fag" and "faggot"? I feel like "faggot" is more malicious.

More

"Greetings ffrom a Swedish dyke in Afghanistan!"-KC, reading a SPAM mail subject heading

"Well maybe we should try bellybutton fun and see what that would be like."-Elka, trying to seduce KC

"Would you quit drawing boobies on your notepad? We've got work to do!"-Elka, scolding KC

"I think it takes one year for the vagina to rejunify."-KC, an educated, professional adult, screwing up the word "rejuvenate"

"You look up Jewfro, and a picture of John Kerry comes up."-KC, conducting research on the Jewfro

"Is the baby an actor, or is she a prop?"-Elka, posing a valid question about the baby who plays Angelica

"You drink manly beer; that's all I'm saying."-KC, presenting evidence to prove Elka's level of gayness

Confuse Thyself

This post is sort of a commentary on the previous post: my friend keeps suggesting that I find a sweet, pleasing guy. In the past, men who can impress me with their insight, ambition, slight egomania, and involuntary use of big words have made me weak in the knees. If they don't challenge my brain and way of life, then I'm not interested.

I don't look for these qualities in females. In females, I want more emotional comfort, companionship, and equality. Conversely, if a guy is too sweet or too emotional, then my interest decreases.

I look for males with traits that are similar to mine except amplified. I like them to be brilliant and dominating. And then I discover that I'm dating a grouchier and controlling version of myself and get turned off.

I have lower intellectual standards for females. I don't want them to be airheads, but I don't want them to be like me: the types who analyze everything so much that they want to staple their forehead (this would be a Brenda Chenowith reference to those who've watched the greatness that is Six Feet Under).

So I see females as interactive escapes, and I see males as introspective explorations. I look for guys who are too similar to me and girls who aren't as similar to me? Odd.

I've unintentionally partitioned my attractions to different people! I've expected males to be more intellectually fulfilling and females to be more emotionally fulfilling. Why is this? Because these are the stereotypical roles that males and females are supposed to play? Females can be intellectual and males can be emotional. I know this, and I've experienced it, but I don't act accordingly.

Why the fuck am I so irritatingly confusing?

I clearly need to re-evaluate my paradigms here.

Hah, and I was reading a recent e-mail from an ex and feeling annoyed at all the unnecessary big words he was using.

Yay for new perspectives! Boo for eternal confusion!

Switch!

I heart my best friends:
blueyedju: the other night i menstruated all over my bf's clean white sheets, and he insisted that i go back to sleep while he got a spray bottle and cleaned it up
ShaneMo: jesus
blueyedju: my point is that i strongly suggest getting into a relationship with a sweet sub boy who adores you
blueyedju: they're so much more fun than the tight-assed old dom men i used to like
ShaneMo: i have a weakness for tight ass dom men
ShaneMo: but i have been rethinking it
blueyedju: me too. but they're grouchy and a lot of work
ShaneMo: yes! very grouchy!
blueyedju: here is the difference between an old dom man and a sweet sub boy:
blueyedju: a sweet sub boy likes to please you for the sake of pleasing you
blueyedju: and he likes to excel at it and like...set your mind at ease, very "don't even mention it"
blueyedju: they get uncomfortable when you even say thank you
ShaneMo: hot damn
blueyedju: a grouchy old dom man likes to "please" you as part of his fucked-up power trip
blueyedju: "huhhhhh, look at me, i made you come. i am so powerful."
blueyedju: i'm like..WHATEVER. I COME WHEN I WALK UP STAIRS IN TIGHT PANTS.
ShaneMo: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
blueyedju: THIS DOES NOT MAKE YOU SPECIAL.
ShaneMo: do you really?
blueyedju: ...sometimes
ShaneMo: my god
blueyedju: :D
ShaneMo: you are something else
ShaneMo: or maybe i am
blueyedju: my genitals are, anyway
blueyedju: nah, i'm definitely abnormal in this regard
ShaneMo: sweet sub boy sweet sub boy
blueyedju: i mean, i ain't gonna lie, my bf is one in a million
blueyedju: it's really his nature
ShaneMo: uh, yeah
ShaneMo: he asked you to fuck him w/ a strap on
ShaneMo: i'm sure that happens more often than ppl think, but still
blueyedju: but if you can find someone who's naturally so sweet and gentle and really enjoys pleasing others (cause if it is a natural, non-creepy thing for him, it won't be just you) fucking go for it
blueyedju: it's so much more fulfilling and pleasant and deep in a way. it makes you feel less weird about being a hardcore feminist in a ltr with a guy
ShaneMo: i had a casual thing w/ a guy like that. gave great oral sex
blueyedju: hahaha +
ShaneMo: but i got bored
blueyedju: well, boring people are...boring
blueyedju: and if you don't have chemistry you just don't
ShaneMo: he'd...buy me my favorite foods and keep a stock of it at his place
blueyedju: and all the great carpetmunching in the world won't change that
blueyedju: aw!
blueyedju: now come on, that's awesome
ShaneMo: hah, why do all our convos end up being about subbing and domming?

Ugh

Last night I had a dream in which I had bad sex with two different girls in one weekend. WTF? Why would my subconscious do that to me? It clearly has a BDSM fetish.

"I Can Go With the Flow...Chart"

• I've noticed that I've pretty much convinced myself that I can't really be good friends with a guy. It's based on my experiences: most of my friends are girls, and I tend to feel more comfortable with girls. Furthermore, I've usually had ulterior motives with the males I've befriended, and we usually ended up getting sexual too quickly and consequently preventing a friendship from developing. Maybe I shouldn't completely close myself to the possibility that males can be fun, close friends.

• Also, I've noticed that I've had HORRIBLE first impressions of some of my current close female friends. And somehow we end up going through periods where we're attached to the hip. With males, the connections are usually immediate, and then things move too fast and evaporate shortly thereafter.

• When a girl disappoints me, it usually hits me harder than when a boy does. A friend suggested that maybe it's because girls have higher expectations to be understood by other girls, whether it be platonic or romantically.

• I was listening to the Kelka podcast in which Elka articulates her attraction to androgyny: "I like girls that look like boys, boys that look like girls, and girls that look like girls." I was thinking that I'm similar except that I also like boys that look like boys. I certainly have types, but I appreciate different types of beauty. I think, as time goes on, I'm going to discover that I'm just the eternal switch. God, adolescent repression sucks; it's blowing up in my face now.
  

News "Update"

I have nothing gay to say today.

Except that I want to be a monosexual.

Random

"There are two kinds of people in this word: the kind who pee while they're on the phone and the kind who don't."-Elka, disseminating wisdom

"Helena and airport come back to LA."-KC, not paying attention to what she's saying

"Next week they'll all be wearing burkas and making meaningful eye contact."-Elka, bitching about the lack of fucking and nakedness in season 4

"Hello pile of dog shit, so glad to see you."-Elka, doing her own take on a Manny impersonation

"We're allowed to talk about what do you think Jenny thought of the fake bag o' weenies."-KC, stating her freedom of speech

"You know you've had a good life if you say, 'I made a promise to myself to stop sleeping with married women.'"-KC, re: Helena

"Is that a nipple or a seashell?"-KC, discussing a potential crappy sex scene on the show

I Am What I Am

I ought to Kelka quote to maintain a balance of humor and seriousness. Perhaps tomorrow.

I was hanging out with one of my best friends, and we had a conversation that went something like this:

Me: I'm getting lovehandles; I need to work out more regulary.
Her: You do not have lovehandles.
Me: I do! I'll show you.
Her: Oh for fuck's sake
Me: Yes?
Her: You look like a fertile woman who, if she so chose, could have a child.
Me: ...[in my head] FERTILE?! [whining, out loud] But it's not me.
Her: It is you. You are a woman. Accept it. Stop insisting on being a girl-child.
Me: [rolls eyes] Fine. Yes ma'am.

Woman?! I'm not a woman! That makes me sound like I'm an adult, and I'm not one yet. I'm not a man, girl, boy , or anything. I'm a person! And I'm a person who would rather not be fertile.

But she had a point: I do sort of insist on being a "girl-child." Aside from getting laid, I don't really want my body to look reproductive. That's gross. When I think of what a "woman" is, I get mental images of...boring things that I usually don't like to do. So maybe I'm applying a limited definition to the idea and therefore excluding myself from the possibility of being a woman.

Like I feel weird when people at stores or restaurants call me "Ma'am." It's just standard procedure for them, but to me it feels like an inaccurate label (and it's weird when someone older then me says it to me).

Blah.

Note: From now on "Blah" shall be my new word denoting a contradictory combination of Zen detachment and sheer aggravation that I can't or do not wish to articulate.

Give Me Sarcasm As a Coping Mechanism. Flash.

YAAAY for gay bashing! And women aren't immune to getting beaten up. How's that for equal treatment of the sexes? A lot of people who read my blog probably read Slo and Green's blog, but I figured I'd post a link anyways.

Lately, a lot of morbid things have been happening to people I directly or indirectly know. Oh, you know, the usual: people my age getting run over by trains. People my age dying of leukemia. People my age feeling little to no faith in humanity.

And this might seem small in comparison, but I do have that hippyish animal lover in me:

• I'm being assaulted with dreams of my dead cat. Gay girls are supposedly cat lovers after all.

• I produced my first bit of roadkill today: I killed a squirrel. I happen to love squirrels in spite of the fact that they don't seem to look both ways before crossing the street. And the little fucker ran right into my wheel form the side. I didn't react quickly enough, and I'm not sure what I could have done. I felt the car bump a bit, and I looked in my rear view mirror to see it convulsing and bleeding onto the road. I felt sick to my stomach.

No, I'm not going to turn into one of those paranoid people who lives in fear all the time. But forget about God, karma, and all those other beliefs that some people promptly throw out the window when bad shit happens. I'm not sure I believe in safety. All I can do is have some faith in myself and my ability to deal.

Observations

• I have to say that sometimes it feels really gratifying to just wear boyish clothes and give a big "Fuck you!" to the standards of femininity. But I'm not trying to say "Fuck you!" to anyone, really. I'm just trying to do what I feel like doing and not worry about what other people think. I want to be my three-dimensional self.
  

• It's interesting to notice how people in public react to me when I dress like a 15 year-old boy. I usually get looks of judgement. At least that's how I interpret it. I guess that's to be expected.

• I've been feeling very BI-sexual lately. Usually I feel just gay or straight. But now, I feel more open to whatever life has in store for me. Although I must say that if I involve myself with a guy next, he needs to be different from the guys I've been with in the past. I tend to basically fall for the same type of guy (white, goatee, overly intellectual, cynical, darkly funny) and have the same type of problems (we don't have enough fun together in spite of our mental connection).

• I think I'm pretty much built for monogamy. When I'm into someone, I don't notice anyone else; however, when I'm not into anyone, then I have the attitude of someone who wants to check off different sorts of experiences from this list that I keep in my head. I guess in that respect I do fulfill the "dirty, indecisive bisexual" stereotype.

• In college, some of my roommates used to make fun of me for making these unexpected "gay man gestures." It sorta became a joke. But sometimes, I'll be talking to someone, and then I'll notice my hand doing this weird thing, and in my head I'm like, "WTF?"

• Sometimes I wonder how obviously gay I am. Even if I'm presenting myself in a feminine way, I feel like my voice and mannerisms give me away. But then, if someone asks me if I have a boyfriend, my internal monologue will be like, "Guh?" I'm overthinking it.