Thursday, April 30, 2009

Blah

1. In the name of contributing to others' happiness and peace of mind, I've mostly been subscribing to giving into what other people want of me. It's good that I'm being compromising, but I've noticed that I've been allowing others' expectations of me influence my behavior more than I should. I can't let others' truth (created by my lies) become my own truth.

2. I've been saving up excessive Kelka and Savage Love listening for a lonesome, rainy day.

3. The last time I listened to Savage Love, there was a call from a lesbian-identified woman who is in a loving, sexual relationship with a man. While I'm cool with people identifying themselves however they want to (e.g. you don't need to penis/vagina to identify as a man/woman), that woman also seems like she's exercising some denial. Why can't she just say she's bi? I guess I can't talk: I feel like identifying as gay/queer is more accurate than identifying as straight.

4. I've only really realized that I'm relatively short (5'3") within the past year. I'm not sure why this is. Maybe it's because of my former life as sporty spice: I could jump pretty high and hit most of my shots on the basketball court in my whippersnapper days. Boy is 7 inches taller than me, and I only notice it when we're in front of the mirror. Everyone that I've liked or been with has been taller than me; I wonder if I'd get all butch and overcompensating if I dated a girl shorter than me.

5. Boy and I clarified some topics regarding his threesome fantasy: he's cool with my being selfish and going solo for a while, but that the ideal would be for me to have a girlfriend and for him to get some threesomes out of it. It amused me when he indignantly asserted, "I don't want two girlfriends!"

6. Yeah, me neither. It most certainly is possible to be a misogynistic woman who is attracted to women.

7. On a similar note, does the fact that I sometimes get turned on by my own body make me a narcissist?

Friday, April 24, 2009

Assessment

If only there was more time for blogging and self-expression. Here are some things I've recently noticed:

1: Collared shirts on girls are a turn on.

2: It takes a lot for me to really like a girl and to fully want her. I check people out all the time, but it's been a long time since I've noticed or known a girl that is that ideal blend of femininity and masculinity that really sincerely moves all of me.

2.5: I feel like my tastes are always changing. Prettiness, while nice to look at, is becoming more and more boring, and I need some physical character to really feel like I want to touch someone.

3: I feel trapped by my body almost all the time, but it's not really in a gender identity disordered sort of way. I'm partly used to it, and I partly feel like this feeling has lodged itself in me. I'm not sure if I'll ever completely extract this subdermal layer of frustration. I need to give paradigm-shifting another try; we can only really change our minds. I was pretty fucking carefree a while back.

4. I've been letting my small, inner housewife out a bit lately: I'm finding satisfaction in cooking for myself and others. It's gratifying to create something from scratch and to crave its taste. It's also gratifying to bring joy to those you care about with what you've made.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Small World

I had a somewhat out of the ordinary weekend. First of all, boy and I ended up going to a concert. We both had friends who were going there too. I needed to take a break to sit down, so I found the closest table, and there was a some what familiar-looking chick sitting there.

I asked her if I could sit, and she said yes. I was trying to figure out where I had seen her before, so I tried to subtley eye her. Then another chick walked up to the table, and I recognized her almost immediately: she used to read a different version of this blog, made a few comments, and added me on facebook a few months after we exchanged some e-mails.

Me: You're [ blog name]
Her: *surprised and off put
Me: I used to be [blog name] on livejournal
Her: Wow!

We proceeded to chat a bit about some things I had written about bisexuality and now amusing this coincidence was. She also introduced me to her girlfriend (whose familiarity can be credited to facebook).

Yeah. Small fucking world.

Sunday turned out to be platonically homoerotic. I was planning on getting work done, but I jumped at the opportunity to hang out with my best friend and her new boyfriend (she lives a few minutes away and I rarely see her). I wasn't planning on staying for too long, but one hour turned into five.

Best friend is quite happy to be in a Dom/sub relationship. It was amusing and interesting to witness how happy she was over being controlled in a consentual manner by someone who knows what they're doing.

She gave one of those massages that reduced me to a moaning, pleading porn star. I felt like she made my shoulders come, and I felt that post-orgasm feeling of being a lazy, unintelligible lump of mush.

But hey, I believe in reciprocity. And I returned the favor. When she disobeyed her boyfriend [Lord], he mandated a punishment that I was unexpectedly down with administering: he handed me a huge paddle and asked me if I would slap her ass with it.

Yeah, there's really nothing like bending your best friend over the couch, lifting her skirt, and inflicting some pain on her. It's not as easy as it sounds either; you dont want to hurt someone too much. And hitting the right part of someone's ass takes some practice.

It wasn't a sexual turn-on, but it was definitely fun. I got a little giddy when this option was presented to me.

Yep. Small fucking world.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Moments

Me: *whips out Slim Clip*
Boy: Nice purse.
Me [indignantly]: It's an anti-purse!

Me: I need to get something from my purse. Uh, I mean my girly bag.

Boy: We need to find some tits for you to play with.

Me: Yeah, I'm not terribly interested in meeting people online at the moment.
Boy: [silent]
Me: You're thinking I should advertise for a girl, aren't you?
Boy: Maybe.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

RIP?

Sigh. I don't know about this blog anymore. I've been writing in it on and off for over two years now. I feel like I've put most queer topics of interest under the microscope.

And Kelka will be posting their last few podcasts sometime in the near future. The final goodbye is getting closer. It's pretty fucking sad.

So is the fact that I didn't even have the desire to watch the very last hour of The L Word. The first half of the finale was pretty crappy. I don't want to waste more time on an insult to the art of television.

Lastly, I don't find Shane as hot and charismatic as she used to be. I feel like this is a sign.

I feel like I should keep blogging, but I'm not sure if it should be here. This is a GAY blog. Can I write, gasp, non-gay stuff here? I could to prove that I don't mentally compartmentalize everything. But if I feel the need to prove it, then that probably means that my case is weak.

Maybe I'll give it a try.