Boy and I have been together for a little over five months now, and he only recently started to tell his [male] friends that I play for both teams. He didn't want to be that guy (even though he does have some of that stereotypical male in him). I find this endearing.
There are some advantages to dating a boy when you're bi:
1) You get advice on how to hit on/approach/move things forward with girls.
2) You get to objectify women together (I can be a bit bashful about this).
3) You are more likely to be allowed to chase girls. I wonder how many lesbians would be cool with letting their girlfriends pursue men.
However, you sorta become the bisexual female cliche. Meh, whatever.
In other odd news...
Boy: It may inform you to know that I touched pussy before I touched boobs.
Me: Huh? Really?
Boy: Yup.
Me: [Thinks about it]...That's weird!
Boy: Yeah, it kinda is.
Me: Pussy first? But everybody loves boobs! Cept gay men.
Boy: They're missing out.
Me: I still can't get over that. Boobs come first! They're boobs!
Later on...
Boy: [jokingly]I'm kinda like a lesbian trapped in a man's body.
Me: [laughs hard] How so?
Boy: I'm just all about the pussy. Even straight guys kinda like to look at cock in porn. I don't have that.
Me: You truly are 100% heterosexual. Most people have at least 1 or 2% gay in them.
Boy: Yeah, I guess I'm just stuck with using this dick here. Can't argue with nature.
Me: Sure you can.
Boy: What's the point? Gotta work with what you have.
Me: True. Well, I accept your trapped inner lesbian too.
Hmm, maybe I should make him a mix of Tegan and Sara, Le Tigre, and Riot Grrl music to welcome him to the club.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
"And that's why ya don't kiss straight girls."
If only there was that one-armed guy from Arrested Development to teach me this lesson. For some reason, I didn't want to write about my first experience with a girl here. I figured it was a bit too complicated, and I didn't want to be a drama queen. But this is the place to write about complexities, and I'm over it now. So here goes.
As with any other remotely intelligible thing I write, the objective of this post is to 1) explore the grey areas of sexuality, 2) attempt to write about something complex and significant with a degree of objectivity, and 3) to question the actions of the involved parties.
My first experience with a girl didn't go over so well for either of us. It put a huge dent in a friendship that had a lot of potential.
Here's a cliche: the first girl I kissed was my best friend and roommate in college. We had a unique chemistry that is hard to explain. We were sorta opposites and sorta the same person all at the same time. We could make simple things like going grocery shopping feel like an amusing adventure. We could have satisfying intellectually conversations and be silly as hell. We could peacefully co-exist and still find the other person fun to be around.
Here's another cliche: we had a lot of great things in common (e.g. athleticism, a love for nerdy movies, etc). One of the not-so-great things we had in common was the fact that we both dabbled in the world obsessing over how much you weigh and eat. We both had issues prior to meeting each other, and when we started to bond over this perverted commonality, we fed into each other's unhealthiness.
Here's the last cliche: we were drunk during all of our little explorations of the XX + XX equation. I didn't take it so well when I discovered that her "solution" was straight and mine wasn't.
As a friend, I loved her lots. The option of seeing her as more than a friend didn't occur to me until we started drinking together and getting progressively more touchy feely as time went on. When the option did occur to me, I really wanted it and looked for opportunities to get drunk with her. What can I say? I was young and stupid.
When we finally just had a big makeout session like a year later, I had a big internal woohoo! moment. I was pretty ecstatic for a few days until I inferred that it was only a curious exploration to her, and she wasn't likely to return the feelings I had for her. It bummed me out, but I eventually came to accept that this would not happen again.
But then it did. With more intensity a few months later. I was high as a mothafucking kite until she flat out said that we won't be doing anything physical anymore. I completely sunk when I heard this.
To be fair, we didn't communicate very well. I didn't express how I felt to her. Even though she was more of the initiator, she didn't intend to lead me on and reject me (although it felt like it at the time). I made a point to keep my feelings hidden because I couldn't deal with them, I was afraid of putting myself out there, and I knew that she was probably straight.
On top of all this, I didn't yet realize that one reason why I developed an eating disorder in the first place was to avoid admitting to being a queer. So for me to fall first for a straight girl with an eating disorder hit several nerves I wasn't fully aware of. Furthermore, we were at different points in the "admitting you have a problem" department, and this created another rift between us.
I resented her for not returning my feelings and for encouraging my self-destruction. I also took a few slightly homophobic remarks she said to heart. She resented me for being cold and passive-aggressive.
We tried to patch things up before she would have to move across the country after graduating, but I could never bring myself to explicitly tell her all that was bothering me. I partly didn't see the point in telling a straight girl that I was in love with her. When she left, I was drenched in a bitter little cocktail composed of one part anger, one part loss, and one part vindictiveness.
There were many months of fights, passive-aggressiveness, and unfriendly silence. We missed each other, but we both let the negativity fester. We eventually de-briefed these confusing incidents a few years later. She said she didn't entirely know what brought them on. I told her that I felt like a used experiment to her.
She admitted to being a bit on the bi-curious side, but she said she didn't want to know what it was like to kiss a girl; she wanted to know what it was like to kiss me. And while she loved me, she wasn't attracted to me.
Guh? Okay, the only reason this makes the remotest of sense in my mind is because I know this girl and it kinda clicks in my head because I know the rapport we had. I am also generally accepting of the spectrum of emotions that can fuel the varying levels of affection we want to show.
I hate to cite this, but it sorta reminds me of Claire and Edie in Six Feet Under. I wasn't a fan of Mena Suvari playing that role, but it was a similar situation. The two had an aesthetic appreciation of the other as a person, but it wasn't sexual. And I have to say that my feelings for her weren't predominately sexual either, but I didn't want to be strictly platonic either. Yet another annoying gray area.
So she wanted to express her intense platonic love for me with her lips and wandering hands (she described it as "lusting after me emotionally/spiritually"). Again, this transubstantiation of sorts sorta makes sense and sorta doesn't. Regardless, I accepted what she said, and we moved on. We both felt refreshed and grudge-free. It was great.
But then she got pregnant shortly after getting married. It dawned on me that this person lives across the country from me, is married, and will become a mother. I didn't see myself fitting into the picture. Our long distance friendship was pretty unsatisfying, and I felt rather disconnected from the phase of life she was entering. I was so tired of missing her and being locked in an aggravating state of limbo.
Eventually, I picked a fight with her, went out of my way to push her buttons, and we exchanged some mean words. That was the last fight. For real. All of the nastiness made it easier to say goodbye and just let go. While I was mad for a while, I found it easier to free myself from feeling hostile towards her.
I occasionally wonder if I did the right thing or if I was drawing one too many imaginary lines in my head. Did I really have to see her pending motherhood as such a threat? Was I allowing my own personal issues with parenting to color my perspective? Could we have made a long distance friendship work somehow?
I don't know for sure. I do know that I feel better after emotionally separating myself from her. I'm pretty sure she feels the same way. Do I wish things had turned out differently? Definitely. But it was time to move on, and I realized that I was wasting emotional energy pining over re-creating "the good ol' days" with her.
But some people simply become a part of you, whether you want them to or not. I'm not sure how she and I managed to establish such an intense connection that is difficult to forget. When things were good, I loved how we seemed to really understand each other and tried to respect each other's differences. And we didn't completely give up on trying to work through our problems.
I may not talk to her anymore, and I am not likely to see her again, but she probably will always be someone that I think about and remember fondly.
So the lessons I learned from this experience are as follows:
1) Don't kiss straight girls unless you are confident that they are at least bisexual or that you have the great powers of converting.
2) Don't do the whole wahhh I don't wanna be gay so I'm gonna self-destruct and/or live in shameful denial bullshit. It's a big waste of time. Accept yourself as a freak like everyone else and move the fuck on.
3) Don't have an eating disorder. It's stupid. I'm proud to say that I'm done with all of that crap after many years of hard work.
4) Communicate with more directness and don't rely on booze.
5) If you are romantically/physically interested in a friend, you should give serious consideration to whether you are willing to risk losing that friendship for the sake of taking things to the next level. There are some people that you just don't want to lose.
As with any other remotely intelligible thing I write, the objective of this post is to 1) explore the grey areas of sexuality, 2) attempt to write about something complex and significant with a degree of objectivity, and 3) to question the actions of the involved parties.
My first experience with a girl didn't go over so well for either of us. It put a huge dent in a friendship that had a lot of potential.
Here's a cliche: the first girl I kissed was my best friend and roommate in college. We had a unique chemistry that is hard to explain. We were sorta opposites and sorta the same person all at the same time. We could make simple things like going grocery shopping feel like an amusing adventure. We could have satisfying intellectually conversations and be silly as hell. We could peacefully co-exist and still find the other person fun to be around.
Here's another cliche: we had a lot of great things in common (e.g. athleticism, a love for nerdy movies, etc). One of the not-so-great things we had in common was the fact that we both dabbled in the world obsessing over how much you weigh and eat. We both had issues prior to meeting each other, and when we started to bond over this perverted commonality, we fed into each other's unhealthiness.
Here's the last cliche: we were drunk during all of our little explorations of the XX + XX equation. I didn't take it so well when I discovered that her "solution" was straight and mine wasn't.
As a friend, I loved her lots. The option of seeing her as more than a friend didn't occur to me until we started drinking together and getting progressively more touchy feely as time went on. When the option did occur to me, I really wanted it and looked for opportunities to get drunk with her. What can I say? I was young and stupid.
When we finally just had a big makeout session like a year later, I had a big internal woohoo! moment. I was pretty ecstatic for a few days until I inferred that it was only a curious exploration to her, and she wasn't likely to return the feelings I had for her. It bummed me out, but I eventually came to accept that this would not happen again.
But then it did. With more intensity a few months later. I was high as a mothafucking kite until she flat out said that we won't be doing anything physical anymore. I completely sunk when I heard this.
To be fair, we didn't communicate very well. I didn't express how I felt to her. Even though she was more of the initiator, she didn't intend to lead me on and reject me (although it felt like it at the time). I made a point to keep my feelings hidden because I couldn't deal with them, I was afraid of putting myself out there, and I knew that she was probably straight.
On top of all this, I didn't yet realize that one reason why I developed an eating disorder in the first place was to avoid admitting to being a queer. So for me to fall first for a straight girl with an eating disorder hit several nerves I wasn't fully aware of. Furthermore, we were at different points in the "admitting you have a problem" department, and this created another rift between us.
I resented her for not returning my feelings and for encouraging my self-destruction. I also took a few slightly homophobic remarks she said to heart. She resented me for being cold and passive-aggressive.
We tried to patch things up before she would have to move across the country after graduating, but I could never bring myself to explicitly tell her all that was bothering me. I partly didn't see the point in telling a straight girl that I was in love with her. When she left, I was drenched in a bitter little cocktail composed of one part anger, one part loss, and one part vindictiveness.
There were many months of fights, passive-aggressiveness, and unfriendly silence. We missed each other, but we both let the negativity fester. We eventually de-briefed these confusing incidents a few years later. She said she didn't entirely know what brought them on. I told her that I felt like a used experiment to her.
She admitted to being a bit on the bi-curious side, but she said she didn't want to know what it was like to kiss a girl; she wanted to know what it was like to kiss me. And while she loved me, she wasn't attracted to me.
Guh? Okay, the only reason this makes the remotest of sense in my mind is because I know this girl and it kinda clicks in my head because I know the rapport we had. I am also generally accepting of the spectrum of emotions that can fuel the varying levels of affection we want to show.
I hate to cite this, but it sorta reminds me of Claire and Edie in Six Feet Under. I wasn't a fan of Mena Suvari playing that role, but it was a similar situation. The two had an aesthetic appreciation of the other as a person, but it wasn't sexual. And I have to say that my feelings for her weren't predominately sexual either, but I didn't want to be strictly platonic either. Yet another annoying gray area.
So she wanted to express her intense platonic love for me with her lips and wandering hands (she described it as "lusting after me emotionally/spiritually"). Again, this transubstantiation of sorts sorta makes sense and sorta doesn't. Regardless, I accepted what she said, and we moved on. We both felt refreshed and grudge-free. It was great.
But then she got pregnant shortly after getting married. It dawned on me that this person lives across the country from me, is married, and will become a mother. I didn't see myself fitting into the picture. Our long distance friendship was pretty unsatisfying, and I felt rather disconnected from the phase of life she was entering. I was so tired of missing her and being locked in an aggravating state of limbo.
Eventually, I picked a fight with her, went out of my way to push her buttons, and we exchanged some mean words. That was the last fight. For real. All of the nastiness made it easier to say goodbye and just let go. While I was mad for a while, I found it easier to free myself from feeling hostile towards her.
I occasionally wonder if I did the right thing or if I was drawing one too many imaginary lines in my head. Did I really have to see her pending motherhood as such a threat? Was I allowing my own personal issues with parenting to color my perspective? Could we have made a long distance friendship work somehow?
I don't know for sure. I do know that I feel better after emotionally separating myself from her. I'm pretty sure she feels the same way. Do I wish things had turned out differently? Definitely. But it was time to move on, and I realized that I was wasting emotional energy pining over re-creating "the good ol' days" with her.
But some people simply become a part of you, whether you want them to or not. I'm not sure how she and I managed to establish such an intense connection that is difficult to forget. When things were good, I loved how we seemed to really understand each other and tried to respect each other's differences. And we didn't completely give up on trying to work through our problems.
I may not talk to her anymore, and I am not likely to see her again, but she probably will always be someone that I think about and remember fondly.
So the lessons I learned from this experience are as follows:
1) Don't kiss straight girls unless you are confident that they are at least bisexual or that you have the great powers of converting.
2) Don't do the whole wahhh I don't wanna be gay so I'm gonna self-destruct and/or live in shameful denial bullshit. It's a big waste of time. Accept yourself as a freak like everyone else and move the fuck on.
3) Don't have an eating disorder. It's stupid. I'm proud to say that I'm done with all of that crap after many years of hard work.
4) Communicate with more directness and don't rely on booze.
5) If you are romantically/physically interested in a friend, you should give serious consideration to whether you are willing to risk losing that friendship for the sake of taking things to the next level. There are some people that you just don't want to lose.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Angry
I hate living in my body. I have spent a good portion of my life working my ass off to earn priviliges that almost everyone around me takes for granted. It feels like I'm always teetering between -1 and 0. Blah, forget about all of the gender dissociation bullshit. To me, all that stuff seems whiny and self-absorbed now.
Right now, I feel like the next person who complains to me about some superficial dissatisfaction with the skin they're in (looks, weight, cup size, muscle mass) is going to be verbally assualted.
Ironically, I have a healthy appreciation of my own aesthetics. If only being thin, curvy, and proportional solved all of your problems like all of those ads directly and indirectly say. I used to think my body didn't reflect who I am, but now I think the opposite.
But it's like living in a house built by Frank Lloyd Wright: it looks good, but it's a bitch to maintain and starts to fall apart sooner.
This week has ranged from awful crazy to awesome crazy. I'm so in love. I'm so trapped. I'm racking my brain trying to figure out solutions. I realized how awesome it is to know amazing people that I value and can call up for support, advice, laughs, hugs, etc. I need to appreciate what I have.
I am not my limitations though. I need to remember that. I am how I deal with them/what I learn from them. It's what you think and do that ultimately matters.
Right now, I feel like the next person who complains to me about some superficial dissatisfaction with the skin they're in (looks, weight, cup size, muscle mass) is going to be verbally assualted.
Ironically, I have a healthy appreciation of my own aesthetics. If only being thin, curvy, and proportional solved all of your problems like all of those ads directly and indirectly say. I used to think my body didn't reflect who I am, but now I think the opposite.
But it's like living in a house built by Frank Lloyd Wright: it looks good, but it's a bitch to maintain and starts to fall apart sooner.
This week has ranged from awful crazy to awesome crazy. I'm so in love. I'm so trapped. I'm racking my brain trying to figure out solutions. I realized how awesome it is to know amazing people that I value and can call up for support, advice, laughs, hugs, etc. I need to appreciate what I have.
I am not my limitations though. I need to remember that. I am how I deal with them/what I learn from them. It's what you think and do that ultimately matters.
Monday, June 1, 2009
List
Physically, I have not been feeling well today. This past week has also presented its share of challenges. I'm trying to not feel discouraged and overwhelmed.
So, I want to make a list of things I'm pleased with:
The delicious avocado and 87% cocoa dark chocolate bar that I scarfed down today. Mmmm.
The laughs I had with my best friend today.
My growing culinary talents.
The interactions between various parts of my body and my boyfriend's mouth.
My boyfriend's willingness to patiently stick by me through a rough patch that affects us both.
The fact that I made a few cute girls laugh in the past week. This alone is gratifying even if nothing comes of it.
The fact that boy keeps a fresh stock of Listerine for me at his place.
The fact that KC and Elka still make me laugh out loud at jokes that I've already heard several times before.
So, I want to make a list of things I'm pleased with:
The delicious avocado and 87% cocoa dark chocolate bar that I scarfed down today. Mmmm.
The laughs I had with my best friend today.
My growing culinary talents.
The interactions between various parts of my body and my boyfriend's mouth.
My boyfriend's willingness to patiently stick by me through a rough patch that affects us both.
The fact that I made a few cute girls laugh in the past week. This alone is gratifying even if nothing comes of it.
The fact that boy keeps a fresh stock of Listerine for me at his place.
The fact that KC and Elka still make me laugh out loud at jokes that I've already heard several times before.
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