Monday, April 30, 2007

Hellloo!

Oh my God. I was cleaning out my room, and I happened to find a bunch of Xena tapes and DVD's. I remembered my adolescent obsession with that show. I then recalled all the lesbian subtext. And gawking at Lucy Lawless and Hudson Leick. How could I not have known that I am SUCH a queer? (Not to mention a nerd).

It's just amusing when you look back on all the little signs, and it all clicks in your head to add up to one resounding, cumulative statement: DUH!

Really? Really Papi?

Yeah, I know the line is getting overdone, but it's classic now!

The Planet Podcast, Episode 402: Livin' La Vida Loca

Kelka are discussing how Papi describes her moves as "magic circles" when she fucks Alice.

KC: Eh? Oh, you're a genius! You genius lesbian goddess!
Elka: She discovered circles! No wonder! I thought she was gonna say she was doing the alphabet.
KC: The alphabet?! Oh my god, that's like so 13 year-old boy.
Elka: It's like Papi discovered the cheat code to the vagina. She's like, "Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right A B A B Start," and Alice is like, "Woohoo!!"
KC: Yeah, all women are the..oh my god! That was such bullshit! First of all, some women are circular, and women are very up and down. And some women are way more complicated. You can't just say magic circles before you even see the thing!
Elka: I do fractals.
KC: You know what I'm saying though?
Elka: YES, I know what you're saying! Obviously, it's this massive innovation: "Circles! All this time I've been making little z's!"
KC: No wonder. No wonder she's a goddess.

Thank you, Elka, for that wit.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

You Could Be Helping Some Lonely Lez In the Midwest

Even though "The L Word" has been a disappointment for the past two seasons, I should probably say that the show has definitely helped me admit my own sexuality to myself. It's a prerequisite to the process of coming out. The show might now always be realistic, and most of the actors might be straight, but it's been immensely theraputic to actually see (mostly) convincing lesbian relationships on TV.

And without the show, there would be no Kelka podcast. The Planet Podcast has also helped me to embrace my gay side. It's also been theraputic to know that there are happy, hilarious, confident, out lesbian couples out there.

Praise technology!

Saturday, April 28, 2007

The Devil's Advocate (Me)

I just realized that "The L Word" totally reinforces negative stereotypes against bisexuals. I guess I just can't stop bitching about "The L Word."

They basically turned Tina into the bisexual villain in season 3. She had to be mean and distant to Bette, and she had to fuck and flirt with Henry in Bette's house. These actions had me almost rooting for Bette when she went to Joyce Wishnea to discuss taking sole custody of Angelica. I understand that this is a dramatic television series, and there have to be characters that you dislike. But they could have shown bisexuality with more depth and even sympathy.

And while Tina was obnoxious during episode 401, she had a right to be upset at Bette. She had every intention to let Bette adopt Angelica, but Bette betrayed that trust by running off with the baby. While I understand Bette's pain over Tina leaving her for Bacne Man, Tina does deserve credit for being honest with Bette about her resurfacing feelings for men.

Even though Tina was a cunt in season 3, a part of me felt for her when her friends were mean to her in season 4. It has to be hard to manage being a part of two worlds that can oppose each other. Don't get me wrong: I think she deserved some karma for what she did to Bette. But that "gay/straight mixer" in episode 403 probably hurt her the most because she wasn't fully accepted by either parties.

And Alice has pretty much been portrayed as a half-assed bisexual. She's more emotionally attracted to women, and she sees men as sources of drama-free fuck sessions (which I should probably admit that I can identify with to an extent). It'd be interesting if her sexuality was explored more. As of now, she seems to reinforce the stereotype that bisexuals are just transitioning homosexuals.

I'm not saying that there aren't indecisive bisexuals or bisexuals are just on the way going queer all the way. But this show has yet to really do justice to one of the two "b words" justice--the other is "butch" (Moira/Max barely counts in my eyes, but I'll admit that Tasha's masculinity is a start).

If Ilene wants her show to be didactic in issues regarding sexuality, then she could have done it by giving her characters from season 3 more attention instead of adding characters like Papi and Phyllis.

Friday, April 27, 2007

People. Not Parts.

"The L Word," Episode 104: Lies, Lies, Lies

Dana tells Alice and Shane how embarrassed she was when she ejaculated with Lara. Alice explains to her that it's a good thing. Later on, Alice notices Dana is still sad, and Dana explains how she left Lara in her apartment and hadn't heard from her ever since. I love how Alice manages to seamlessly blend being sincere and being a smart-ass:

Alice: (to Dana) What's with Mopey Pants? What is it, Dana, are you having embarrassing multiple orgasms now?

Now that I think of it, the show pretty much used Dana's character as a an informational platform from the beginning. Through Dana's goofy, uptight cluelessness, they communicated the idea of female ejaculation, gaydar, the process of coming out, having to stay in the closet to maintain a public image, and breast cancer.

Except it was more entertaining in seasons 1 and 2; they should have treated Dana as the three-dimensional character that she was instead of just using her as a mouthpiece. That's what she was reduced to in season 3. I bet they thought they were being deep by having Dana and Max have similar yet opposing experiences with losing their breasts.

Ilene forgets that this show should be about people and not the parts they should play as vehicles for her sad attempts to be didactic. The "L" stands for "lesbian" or "love." Not "lecture."

Thursday, April 26, 2007

You Are SO Gay!

The Planet Podcast, Off-Season: 5/3/06

The Spanish teacher. We all know the story. It doesn't translate as well to print, but here's an excerpt:

KC: So then her shirts started getting lower, and so she'd bend over laughs so she'll bend over to say something to me the one time I can completely remember is she passed back these tests and she's going over the test. A few of them I thought she had marked wrong. I got like a 94. At the time I was like, 'I think you got these wrong but they weren't wrong.' So she came over to my desk, and she like..TOTALLY exposes herself to me.
Elka: [suspicious] What do you mean by that?
KC: I can see, like, almost her whole breast.
Elka: Did you see the nipple?
KC: No, she was wearing a bra. I'll get to that later. So she was wearing a white bra over her dark, Hispanic-skinned breasts. So she bends over, and she's like, 'Well show me what you mean.' And I'm like, I couldn't even speak to the woman! I just started cracking up, and I'm like, 'Nevermind, I think I made a mistake. And she's like, "No, lemme see, what are you talking about." And I'm like, 'I think you marked these wrong, and...' I couldn't even speak in a complete sentence. I was like, 'These wrong...you...I don't know!" [laughs]
Elka: Oh my God!
KC: [laughs] I mean, there were BREASTS, nice, young, perky breasts, like, eight inches from my..nose.
Elka: You should be used to that
KC: Well..I'm NOT!

The way KC was so flustered was just classic; I think her voice reached an octave level that we hadn't heard before.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Diction Is Everything

"The L Word," Episode 207: Loyal


In this season, Helena was the viper: she got with Tina when TiBette might have reconciled, she gave funding to Tina's cause and not Bette's, and she invaded the CAC and Bette's authority. Here, Winnie, Helena's ex, asks Bette to be a character witness against Helena; Winnie and Helena are planting the seeds of a potentially ugly custody battle. Bette is in her pool with the kids.


Winnie: You know, Bette, I - I know you don't know me, but, um, I'm taking a wild stab that maybe we have some interests in common.
Bette: What are you asking me to do?
Winnie: I'd like you to be a character witness... against... you know who. I know she's coming on to your board of directors.
Bette: Yeah, she's everywhere. Can't seem to get away from her.
Winnie: That's how she deals. She colonizes.
Bette: She fuckin' plunders and pillages, that's -
Winnie: Uh. (clears throat)
[Bette looks at Jun Ying in her arms.]
Bette: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That was bad.

What I found funny here wasn't the fact that Bette swore in front of the kids. I liked the witty word choice. Winnie said Helena colonizes; Bette said she plunders and pillages. It's as if Helena is an army or a commander for Emperor Palpatine in "Star Wars."

I also like how Winnie's last name is Mann; she has this fluffy, feminine first name, and then it's contradicted by a blunt, masculine last name.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

It Doesn't Get Any More Fluid Than This

I was kinda lazy with the Kelka/"L Word" quote of the day today. I'm making up for this by providing a link to an almost all-encompassing FAQ regarding lesbian stereotypes.

I couldn't tell you if it's 100% accurate, but there seems to be some truth behind most of what's written there.

Laugh Out Loud

The Planet Podcast, Episode 212: Long Time Coming

Elka's impression of Paige had me unable to stop looking like a laughing fool as I walked the streets of Chicago:

Elka: She's so indelicate. Like she's just...there's no subtlety. She'll storm into the principal's office and say, "WE NEED TO HAVE A LESBIAN INTERVENTION IN YOUR SCHOOL!!"

A lesbian intervention!

Monday, April 23, 2007

Oh Peggy, Where Art Thou?

"The L Word," Episode 213, Lacuna

Peggy and Bette are bonding as they discuss the sexual escapades of the Surrealists. Helena is there; her attempts to seduce Leigh (played by a hot Carly Pope-like actress who I'm too lazy to Google at the moment) are interrupted.

This is one of the conversations that illustrates the awesomeness of Peggy Peabody. She's so blunt and dark. She better come back in season 5.


Pe
ggy: Did anyone happen to see the Surrealist show at The Met a few years ago?
Leigh: "Desire Unbound." It was brilliant. Brilliantly curated. The Man Rays were completely brilliant.
Peggy: Fuck brilliant. I'm talking about how those people fucked.
Bette: Those Surrealists certainly fucked a lot, and it's very well documented.
Peggy: Eluard the poet was with the beauteous Gala, and then Gala slipped off and seduced Max Ernst, who thought he was very much in love with Louise at the time.
Peggy: Then Gala ended up with Dali, and that left Eluard and Louise to share another woman, the very strange Denise Levy, who was being courted, and boinked, I believe, at the time by -
Bette: [smiling] Breton.
Peggy: Breton, yes, and boinked by Peret, and blabbity-blabbity-blah.
Peggy: Well, at least they wrote fabulous, tortured, sick love poems to one another.
Helena: Yes, mummy, 'cause that - that absolutely redeemed them.
Peggy: Well, you know, all that fucking, with no art, is really rather dreary.
Peggy: I hope you girls write fabulous, sick, neurotic, tortured love poems to one another.
Bette: I'm actually working on several right now.
Peggy: Send me one, would you, Bette?

I agree, Peggy. Art makes everything less dreary.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Get a Thesaurus Please

When I hear people around my age (18-24'ish) use the word "gay" as a substitute for "stupid," I don't even feel angry or irritated. At least not at first. My initial emotional reaction is surprise; it's surprising to hear young adults who haven't outgrown or unlearned the incorrect and insulting usage of the word "gay."

When I was a freshman in high school, a friend and I would make fun of the misuse of this word by substituting word "gay" with "homosexual." Then it wouldn't quite make sense: "This project assignment is so homosexual." We thought it was funny at the time.

Furthermore, why say "gay" when there plenty of other good words to communicate a pejorative, belittling sentiment? The following list is a mere sample:
  1. stupid
  2. inept
  3. incompetent
  4. dumb
  5. slow
  6. challenged
  7. lame
  8. pathetic
  9. low
  10. sad
  11. obtuse
  12. vacuous
  13. dense
  14. mindless
  15. unintelligent
  16. senseless
  17. brainless
  18. half-witted
  19. fatuous
  20. doltish
  21. feebleminded
  22. ignorant
  23. moronic
  24. inane
  25. asinine
  26. uneducated
  27. idiotic
  28. demented
  29. dull

Friday, April 20, 2007

What matters is that the gay sex looks hot on my TV

I feel like I've been bitching (you know, about heterosexuals and the challenges that bisexuals face) a bit too much. So I'm going to be positive in this post.

You know what's great? Cable television series. Why? Because they have the guts to really show members of the same sex in relationships and, you know, having sex. They also have more freedom to openly discuss gay-related issues. There's obviously "Queer as Folk" and "The L Word." But when I thought about it, there has been a decent amount of LGBT representation in various cable TV series:
  • In "Oz," Christopher Meloni and Lee Tergeson both play bisexual men who get involve in a complicated relationship. We get to see them make out, and it's pretty hot.
  • In "Six Feet Under," Michael C. Hall plays a gay man who takes a while to accept his sexuality and reconcile it with his commitment to Christianity. The solid writing and Hall's performance manage to make his internalized homophobia palatable enough for any somewhat open-minded audience to taste and chew on.
  • In "Dirt," my super hot fantasy girl, Carly Pope, fucks another girl with a strap on. My jaw dropped when I happened to be flipping through the channels to find her kissing another girl. It dropped again when I saw her in action with a strap on. I'm not exactly into toys, but that scene was undeniably sexy. It was all like a (sex) dream come true.
  • "Nip/Tuck" has had three MTF characters thus far. The first season had a storyline about a high school girl who falls in love her friend who just experiments with her. Roma Mafia plays Liz; she's an anaesthesiologist, and she's an older lesbian. Hah, and during the fourth season, her girlfriend was played by Alanis Morisette. And, in the fourth season, Christian Troy (played by the super sexy Julian McMahon) goes through a period where he questions his sexuality.

As for non-cable TV shows, "Will & Grace" can kiss my ass. Yes, it's a funny show. Yes, I love Karen Walker the way Jenny Schecter fans love Jenny. But there was hardly any hardcore kissing between two men, much less a sex scene.

I think "Popular" should be mentioned (not just because it has the lovely Carly Pope and the hilarious bitch that Tammy Lynn Michaels plays) because it touched on the issue of questioning one's sexuality in high school and coming out later in life. It was definitely an after-school special, but it was sincere and decently written. The WB never should have cancelled it.

Lastly, "Law and Order SVU" has had some episodes that deal with gay-related hate crimes and internalized homophobia. I have yet to see a gay love scene, but the storylines are almost always engaging.

The Art of Bullshit

The Planet Podcast, Episode 409: Lacy Lilting Lyrics

Kelka are discussing flowers. Let's just say that I love immature puns:

Elka: My favorite flower is Chocolate Flower.
KC: Huh?
Elka: It's this flower that grows out in the desert, and it's really really small and yellow, and it only opens up in the morning for like an hour because the rest of the day it's too hot. But during that hour at dawn when they open they smell like chocolate.
KC: And that's what it's called?
Elka: Yeah, it's called Chocolate Flower.
KC: Why do you make these things up?
Elka: It's...
KC: Mine is the Butt Flower.
Elka: Smells like butt?
KC: No, every day at midnight, it..it rears its ugly butt. It moons you in the moonlight.
Elka: Is it in the Buttercup family?
KC: It, it opens up and then it goes [makes anti-climatic slap], and then it closes.
Elka: Okay, one of these is a real flower.

Bullshitting is a skill that can be practiced and refined. KC has mastered this skill.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Ugh

So I was telling a mostly hetero friend about how Natalie Portman is open to the idea of falling in love with a woman. And I got a bit irritated at what she said:

Her: I'm not getting a good mental picture.
Me: Why?!
Her: Because I don't want to imagine Natalie Portman kissing a butch dyke.
Me: Who said it had to be a butch?
Her: Well, Natalie would be the girly dyke.
Me: Things aren't always so male to female.
Her: I suppose. It just doesn't sit well.

Gotta love stereotypes.

Meet my lover...Dragomir

"The L Word," Episode 213: Lacuna

Peggy Peabody invited Helena to lunch, and Helena was angry when she found Winnie, her ex, sitting at the table with Peggy. Peggy explained how she wants there to be peace between them:

Peggy: I wanted to see Winnie, too. I hear things are getting ugly between the two of you. I won't have that, Helena.
Helena: You won't have it?
Peggy: Everything you do reflects on me. Please try to remember that.
Helena: After Vladimir, mummy, I really don't think the standard was all that high.
Peggy: His name was Dragomir, darling, and he was never meant to be a standard bearer.

Dragomir?! I LOVE making fun of weird and ugly names, so that random little bit cracked me up. God, I love Peggy Peabody. And I like how she put Helena in her place (at this point, Helena was the manipulative villain who helped spit TiBette up).

Peggy kicks more Helena ass later on in the episode, but that's a different quote for a different day.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Guh?

The Planet Podcast, Commentary on "The L Word" Pilot

Kelka are recording their commentary on the pilot. During the scene in which Marina and Jenny are talking at the grocery store, KC commented on Marina's appearance:

KC: Marina's freakin' me out; look at her face. She kinda looks crazy robotic...in a good way.

WTF? How does crazy robotic look? How does good crazy robotic look?

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

The walls are closing in

Dear Self,

Make more queer friends! You are going a bit insane with the lack of gay people to talk to.

Sincerely,
You

Meeeeee!

"The L Word," Episode 401: Legend in the Making

Bette has stolen Angelica and is at some diner in northern California. After she gets off the phone with her boss, she says something that is SO Bette:

Bette: Can I get a sippy cup? Does anybody have a sippy cup?! Jesus!

Ilene wrote this episode. If she wrote this line, then I must give her credit. I love the irritated, demanding tone in Bette's voice. It exemplifies her weakness, and yet it makes her hilarious and lovable at times. Of course Bette would expect the people and the employees at some diner to tend to her sippy cup needs.

Lines like these are part of what will keep me watching this decaying show when season 5 airs.

Monday, April 16, 2007

She was talking about farting! That is right up my alley!

The Planet Podcast, Episode 404: Layup

Kelka are discussing how they possibly heard Leisha Hailey fart while she was peeing on the toilet. They played a sound clip of it, and it definitely was a tiny, yet audible fart. But they didn't know if that was actually Leisha Hailey:

KC: The next shot was where we turned the volume up all the way on the TV to see if we had misheard the, um, passing of air through the ass of Leisha Hailey. And no, we did not mishear it.
Elka: She let a little squeaker get through.
[plays clip]
KC: Well first, like, we watched the show, and I'm like, "Eh? That is not what I heard. Because this is a television." It's not like it's reality TV.
Elka: We're not watching "Jackass."
KC: What she on a real toilet?! Like, what the hell? Where'd they get that soundbite?
Elka: Where do you think?!
KC: I don't know! You think that's a Leisha Hailey actual fart?
Elka: No, I think she has a fart double.

The conversation continues to go on about peeing on the phone and how dogs sound when they vomit. It's hilarious. But one quote at a time. Fart double?! I was doing the dishes when I first heard this. The joke sounded a bit pre-planned because I would have expected KC to cackle at hearing that for the first time. Either way, I cracked up and still do.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Isn't love just love?

I was listening to SloGreenX's fifth podcast, and Green was talking about how she doesn't get the desire to kiss males. She said that it always felt scripted and unnatural for her. She wondered if straight girls were genuinely attracted to men, or if they just went for men because they were supposed to.

It's a good question, and I've asked myself that regarding some of my relations with guys. Has my interest in them been genuine, or has it been reinforced by years upon years of subliminal heterosexual programming? Or has it been reinforced after years of repressing my gay side? Nature or nurture? The chicken or the egg? Ad fucking nauseum.

As a bisexual, I see both sides. I kind of don't want to be able to. I wish I could be so gay that I couldn't tell the difference between Ewan McGregor and Jude Law. I wish I could write posts about how men are inferior to women (no offense intended towards KC or SloGreenX whatsoever). Why? Because it's easier to be one-sided (of course, if one were to be one-sided, it'd be the easiest to be on the het side). I think it's easier to play for just one team because understanding both sides of any situation merits more mental/perceptual responsibility.

It can be overwhelming to have such diverse tastes. And to be able to fall for a friend regardless of their sex. I remember one of my best friends in high school was (and still is, ha) bi. And one day, out of nowhere, she said, "I'm really glad you and I haven't had sex. It's nice to be able to rely on you for that." It felt like both a compliment and an insult at the time, but now I know that it was the former.

I know I'm generalizing and making it sounds like I like EVERYONE by virtue of my bisexuality. That is not the case. But being bi does lend itself to more romantic options. And it can be confusing at first, especially with all the stigma that both gay and straight people throw at bi people.

I've realized that I am somewhat of a "people not the parts" person. I've loved/had strong feelings for three different people. "Different" is the key word in this sentence. It's actually a bit freakish when I objectively think of how diverse they are: the first was a man old enough to be my father, the second was a girl from college, and the third was a relatively normal guy a few years older than me. Regardless, when the intellectual and emotional connection was established, then I cared about enjoying the parts.

But from these relationships I've learned that women are way more emotionally fulfilling to be with than men. I feel like men are good for fuck and cuddle sessions. And short, intense relationships. Women, on the other hand, are for relationships that are more stable and lasting.

Blah. I don't feel like elaborating on this issue anymore today.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

10 Bad Things About Season 4

I did say some nice things about season 4, but now I want to be critical.

1) The lack of chemistry between romantic hookups. I think they only got it mostly right with Tasha and Alice. At first, Jodi seemed right for Bette, but then Jodi became an arrogant whore who turned Bette into a pathetic puppy. Phyllis and Alice was...awkward. Kristanna Loken is attractive, but she's significantly bigger than Shane; while her face matches with Shane, her body doesn't. Papi and Kit? Ew. And while Helena and Catherine are hot looks-wise, their whole storyline was ridiculous and weird. All of this has me feeling apathetic about what happens.

2) I seriously hated Jenny this season. More so than in season 2. I can see why people find her interesting and amusing, but she's a selfish, cunt-faced bitch. I will probably write another entire post articulating my specific hatred for her. But, for now, I'll say that I hate what she did to Lindsay, and I hate the fact that she claimed to be writing fiction when she really has no creativity whatsoever.

3) There was no Carmen, Lara, Peggy Peabody, or, what was that girl's name?..., oh yeah, DANA. Granted we didn't really get to know Carmen or Lara very well, but we could have gotten to know them better instead of having the show get congested with Papi, Jodi, and Phyllis. And this season could have used some of Peggy Peabody's sass.

4) There were too many PSA's. The older lesbian storyline (as exemplified by Phyllis). Gays in the military. FTM's at the workplace and in relationships. Teaching children about homosexuality. It's too fucking much. Ilene needs to get off the soapbox. The irony is that, while they depicted issues that are real and can have serious ramifications, they didn't do an adequate job of addressing them because...

5) There were way too many storylines and characters! They tried to cram in so much that very little was explored with any depth. While Papi brought some humor (with the basketball game, for example), she's pretty much a waste of airtime. And Catherine is hot, but, again, her character is so superficial and over the top.

6) Max's storyline. It was good that he got a "personality transplant" as Elka said; he was nice this season. But last season, his catch phrase was, "Can't you understand?!" This season it was, "You know?" "I have an ear condition, you know?" "I'm intrinsically a man, you know?" "It [getting top surgery] is an irreversible decision, you know?" No, Max, we don't know. And thanks to the lack of quality writing and depth, we probably won't know. You've been reduced to a victim in an after-school special storyline.


7) They hardly mentioned Dana. I think Alice was a bit too together at the beginning of the season. At the end of season 3, she had just decided to start to bring herself together; I would have liked to have seen a more gradual and realistic recovery for her. She did crack a bit in "Long Time Coming" when she talks to the ghost of Dana, but that was at the end of the season. I think Dana should have been mentioned more. In a podcast with Jennifer Beals, Ilene said she thinks the characters probably do talk about Dana a lot, but she just didn't want to spend too much screen time on that. Since Ilene did such a good job of using screen time this season.

8) Season 4 was too fluffy. I'm definitely glad they lightened it up since season 3 was so depressing. But I think they took it to another extreme. I mean, Papi? C'mon. Like I said before, she's boring and superficial, and even if she shows more depth in the future, I doubt I'll care (not to mention she's NOWHERE near being as hot as Shane). They also wasted time with Helena and Catherine fucking. It was hot at first, but then it got overdone and lame. Season 3 may have been a major downer, but at least I cared about the characters when I watched it.

9) Marina's appearances were unsatisfying. I think Marina and Jenny really had a clearly established connection in season 1. We got to see them first meet and bond over their love for reading and writing. I'm not necessarily saying that I wanted them to get back together, but their interaction could have had (again) more depth and sincerity than a threesome.

10) Some of the fashion was a bit off. I wanted to see Bette wear more power suits instead of outfits like this. Shane's hair left something to be desired. And Alice had a few days where she looked strange.

Friday, April 13, 2007

The consequences of reproducing

"The L Word," Episode 107: L'ennui

Some quotes can't be captured in text form. That's why youtube.com is awesome. I laughed out loud when Shane, Alice, and Dana confront Bette and Tina on how sickenly boring they've become in their months as expecting mothers.. This scene also reinforces my love for the original cast (yes, that's excluding Jenny).

The clip is three minutes in. You have to see some Jenny drama (which was more interesting in season 1) before you get to the humor.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Gary Coleman?

The Planet Podcast, Episode 401: Legend in the Making

Kelka are discussing the, uh, ramifications of season 4 beginning on the very next day after the storylines in season 3 ended:

KC: Oh wait a minute, I just realized something. So we're supposed to be coming back the next day, but the baby is older. I didn't think about that!
Elka: Well what are they gonna do?
KC: I don't know they could replace that baby with another baby.
Elka: OH, don't even say that! I LOVE that baby!
KC: Okay, the baby...was cute..
Elka: I love that baby!
KC: ...it's still cute, but it's starting to look a little Gary Coleman'ish. It looks like a little baby boy Gary Coleman.
Elka: [offended] Don't talk smack on Olivia.
KC: I'm NOT talking smack. The baby changed overnight into Gary Coleman, that's all I'm saying.Gary Coleman's cute!
Elka: You are walking on thin ice, Missy. We need to just move on. I love that baby!

I was thinking a similar thought when I saw the baby in episode 401, but I hadn't articulated it into such a precise comparison as KC did. But, yes, the baby is still definitely very cute.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Right am I

'The L Word," Episode 206: Lagrimas de Oro

Shane, Alice, and Tonya are watching Dana play during a tennis tournament. Tonya goes to tend to Melissa Rivers, and Alice shows Shane the breakup script she's written for Dana so Dana can dump Tonya. After Shane reads it, she reproaches Alice:

Shane:
Al-lice. It's karmically wrong. And it's gonna come back at you if you and Dana wind up together.
Alice: All right, Yoda needs to give me some better advice here, or Yoda needs to shut the FUCK up.

I love how Leisha delivers her lines with cuteness, sass, and wit. It makes her perpetually lovable. And I realized that Shane is right; karma did bite Alice in the ass when Dana dumped her for Lara in season 3.


Tuesday, April 10, 2007

One woman's trash is another woman's treasure

The Planet Podcast, Episode 307: Lonestar

Kelka are discussing the scene in which Bette tries to help calm Dana down with some guided meditation:

Elka: Bette talks Dana through some meditation and takes her to her happy place.
KC: Yeah, her happy place is like some field in England with a grey sky. That's not a very happy place. And then there's a bush that looks like a penis with balls.
Elka: Which, okay, I'll admit neither one of us noticed this at all. I bet most people didn't, but one of our listeners sent us an e-mail, and we went back and watched it again. And as soon as she goes to her happy place, there's this big, long, cylindrical bush sticking up into the air with two little round bushes at the base. It's a total botanical dildo!
KC: That's Tina's happy place!
Elka: I know!

Botanical dildo! God, I love little bits of immature humor in the background of...any setting.

Monday, April 9, 2007

Thought

I wonder if there would be as many queers and trannies if so much socialization and programming didn't go into creating distinctive roles and characteristics that define masculinity and femininity. I know there are feminine lesbians, masculine gay dudes, and femmy FTM's, but gender identity is a part of being queer. And if society defined femininity and masculinity in a more fluid light, would there be as much of a norm to contradict?

Rawwwrrr!

"The L Word," Season 2, Episode 3: Loneliest Number

Bette is at the CAC, and Franklin, her asshole boss, is reminding her that she needs to secure funds from Helena Peabody. And in the middle of this conversation, she gets a phone call from Mr. Green, the guy whose car she it.

Franklin: Yes, but Peggy Peabody is stepping down. And, uh, her daughter Helena is taking over. Could be a whole new ballgame. Bad news, is, we don't know what Helena Peabody has in mind. Good news is that she's one of your people.
Bette:
One of "my people"?
Franklin:
Mm-hmm.
Bette:
What are you referring to, what, is she a Yale graduate, an art history major, is she a mulatto gal, is that what you're trying to say?
Franklin: I meant she's a lesbian.
Bette:
And why is that a good thing?
Franklin:
Because I thought your paths might have crossed. It could be useful.
Bette:
Right. Because me and (makes air quotes) my people, we're all on a first-name basis.
Franklin:
May I suggest you get on one? Because if we lose that grant -
Bette:
Franklin, if you want me to go to New York and make nice, I will. But please, stop panicking. I'll handle it.
James:
Uh, excuse me. Uh, there's a Brad Green on the phone. He's called like fourteen times.

Bette: (phone) What part of "no" don't you understand, Mr. Green? I am not going to write you a blank check just because you yell like a fucking banshee. I need an estimate. The insurance company needs an estimate, do you see a pattern here, it's the way things are done.

Bette: (listens) Listen, you asshole, if you keep pushing me, you're gonna end up with a lawsuit on your hands, you got it? (listens) Bring it on, you fucking dwarf.

Sigh, I love angry AlphaBette. She makes being angry so funny and endearing. And I like how she calls herself a "mulatto gal."

Have I mentioned how I miss seasons 1 and 2?

Friday, April 6, 2007

Dana Fairbanks is SUCH a lesbian!

I'm so gay because...
  • I like science fiction.
  • I hate wearing dresses and skirts.
  • The concept of uncomfortable high heels is beyond me (but I'm game when the need arises).
  • I LOVE cats.
  • I don't like purses.
  • I like watching well-choreographed fight scenes in films.
  • I can be "sporty spice" when I'm not lazy about staying in shape.
  • I'm not big on make-up; it is, after all, called "make up," and I don't think it should be used excessively to "make up" for one's flaws or to "make up" attractive features.
  • I do enjoy video games and computer games.
  • I have days where I like wearing boyish clothes (e.g. sneakers and a hoodie).
  • I like watching girs and boys kiss.
I'm so not gay because...
  • Bugs and spiders make me scream, run away, and want to cry.
  • I like pink.
  • I'm not too into following sports.
  • I don't know shit about using tools or fixing cars.
  • I like wearing mascara.
  • I'm meticulous about maintaining my eyebrows.
  • I like wearing my hair down a bit past my shoulders.
  • I do enjoy the wang on occasion.
  • I can be a sucker for sappiness in TV and film.

It's always funny when it happens to someone else

The Planet Podcast, Episode 305: Lifeline

While discussing Dana's cancer, Elka asks KC what movies or TV shows have made her cry. KC admits to crying while watching "Oprah," "Little House on the Prairie," and "The Brady Bunch." Then Elka goes on to admit incidents that are just as embarrassing:

Elka: I cried during the season finale of season 2 of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" when Angel was evil, and then he turned good, and Buffy had to kill him and send him to hell.
Elka: I cried. Anyway, I cried when Buffy had to kill Angel.
KC: Did you, like, get a tear in your eye? Or were you like [sob noises]?
KC: No, I just got a tear in my eye. It wasn't like "Brokeback Mountain" where I cried so hard I fell down the stairs!

...

Elka: I literally was crying so hard at the end of that movie that I couldn't see where I was going, and I fell down the stairs in the movie theatre!
KC: I kinda caught you. Oh no, you twisted your ankle!
Elka: No, I fell on you!
KC: You twisted your ankle I think.
Elka: I know! And then I was crying and limping.
KC: You are such a pussy.
Elka: Uh, what were we talking about? "The L Word"?

I love it when they tanget.

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Gay-mo!

Season 1, Episode 4: Lawfully

Bette and Tina are discussing their impending dinner with Bette's father; they are planning on telling him about Tina's pregnancy. Tina suggests a different approach to the baby's last name:

Tina: I think we should do some sort of combo thing. You know? Instead of the whole hyphenated thing?
Bette: What, like, "Portard"?
Tina: Bette!..."Hey poor tard! How's your two moms you big gay-mo?"

This was back in the day when Tina was funny.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Sliced Bread?

The Planet Podcast, Season 2: Gay Valentine's Day

Elka reads a message from Monique: "I just wanted you to know that your podcast is the best thing since sliced bread." And KC goes on to (rightfully) obliterate that cliche:

Sliced bread really isn't all that. Like if you're gonna say, 'You're the best thing since blank,'...oh great...sliced bread, that's what we're being compared to? Why not, you know, the internet or electric cars? Sliced bread? Ooh, that was a real innovation: 'What are we gonna do with this lump of food? Hey! Let's slice it!'

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Crikey!

Season 1, Episode 13: Limb From Limb

Bette and Kit are at Bette's Office at the CAC. Kit and Ivan stopped by to bring Bette food from Real Food Daily, a restaurant that caters to picky, vegetarain health food nuts like myself. As Kit is about to throw away the bag, Bette comments on her interaction with Ivan:

Bette: Can I talk to you for a second?
Bette: Wanna tell me what you're doing?
Kit: I was taking out the trash.
Bette: No, with her. She's madly in love with you, you know.
Kit: No he's not, we're friends, he helps me out with stuff.
Bette: That's because she is in love with you, and she wants to be your husband.
Kit: No, it's not like that.
Bette: Kit - believe me. You may not be able to read the signals, but they're there. I saw the way she looks at you, she is fully courting you old school, and you're letting her.
Kit: Oh, is that so!
Bette: Yeah. It is.
Kit: Well, thank you for the lessons of the ritual mating habits of the indigenous lesbians. Maybe next week we'll do butch and femme role-play -

Then Ivan comes in, takes Kit by the arm, carries her bag for her, and Bette rolls her eyes as they leave.

I love how Pam Grier delivered that last line with the right amount of sarcasm. And since I'm not too keen on the word "lesbian"--it just sounds so alien-like--I like how Kit sounds like she's narrating a show on Animal Planet.

Monday, April 2, 2007

Re: Mysexuality

I'm not going to hash the issue of bisexuality on any scale that does it justice. But I had a few floating thoughts today on MY bisexuality (or mysexuality):

  • I'm neither gay or straight; I'm both and neither all at the same time.
  • Consequently, I can simultaneously feel like an insider and an outsider around heterosexuals and homosexuals.
  • I'm NOT looking for the same qualities in a man as I am in a woman, and I don't exactly know what that means.
  • When I think of a relationship that works and is fulfilling, I think of a relationship with a woman. It just makes more sense in my head; it's like being able to kiss your best friend. I can't imagine my best friend being a guy.
  • When I think of some of the more irritating qualities that my ex boyfriend had (e.g. being a bit on the needy side, enjoying being socially unacceptable in public), I think some of them would be more tolerable and perhaps more endearing if he was a woman.
  • But I know I'm not just a gay in transition because I do enjoy the wang.
  • I don't always like being bisexual.

Kelka/"L Word" Quote of the Day

Season 3, Episode 8: Latecomer

KC and Elka are discussing Max's elation after he purchased a fake penis through which he can take a piss and feel like a real man.

KC: Talk about the weenies in the bag.
Elka: I don't care about the weenies in the bag.
KC: You don't?
Elka: Max gets a box of cocks.
KC: With generic labels on them typed out with an old-fashioned type writer that says, 'weener that you can pee out of' or something, and he's like 'I'm gonna be able to whip it out now.'
Elka: Uh, Max did look really really pleased to be able to go into the men's room and pee at the urinal with all the other dudes.

....

KC: Well, where do you think that you buy that stuff?
Elka: You can get it anywhere.
KC: A PEEING WEENIE?
Elka: Okay, have you heard of this thing they have now? It's called the internet.
KC: No, no, no. He brought a bag in, it said like...
Elka: It was like in his...
KC: Weenie World
Elka: Well, I mean...WEENIE WORLD?!

It still makes me laugh.