Writing is so theraputic.
I've been feeling kinda down lately. I feel like a minority in almost every sense, and that I'm in between every world there is: I'm not an adult, but I'm not a child; I'm not gay, but I'm not straight; I'm not masculine, but I'm not feminine; I'm not fat, but I'm not skinny; and I'm not white (although I feel like it), but I don't exactly do justice to my Asian heritage either. Furthermore, I don't eat the way most (dumbass) carnivore Americans do.
A part of me wants to be easily defined and labeled. It's getting a bit tiring to always be in a grey area, and it's easier to be neatly categorized.
But is anyone's identity so easy to define? This isn't high school anymore; cliques no longer explain who we are, and they didn't even explain how we were back then. I'm sure that there are people who exist in a more "black or white" state of being. But the truth is that people and the world aren't as simple as they seemed when you're a kid. Part of becoming an adult is learning to accept and thrive in this reality.
I got some good advice from an LJ comment. She basically said that there is no ONE way to be bi, and that trying too hard to define myself will only lead to frustration. It's true. I need to go with the flow and let go of the need to fit into a rigid definition that will only serve to limit and aggravate me. I'd venture to say that it's more difficult to unlearn than it is to learn.
And the other day, I thought to myself. It boils down to one choice: you can choose to be strong, or you can choose to be weak. It takes strength to accept and be yourself. It takes strength to embrace the complex facets of your identity instead of reducing everything to black and white. And, most importantly, it takes strength to tune out the bullshit standards that we've been programmed to live up to.
My analytical, introspective mind is both a strength and a weakness. It's a strength because it helps me understand and manage myself; it's a weakness because, well, I can think too damn much! Finding the words is helpful. But it also gets to a point where I should just tell my brain shut the fuck up.
*Turns off brain and goes to do something else*
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11 comments:
Te leo mientras escucho "Preludio a la siesta de un fauno" de Debussy
y se me hace algo extraño, escucho a un francés y leo en ingles...
Pero a lo que voy. Me gusta como escribes, porque se me hace algo cercano.
Y aunque no sé si es correcto que lo diga, no te preocupes, con el tiempo, y como pareces un chico inteligente y sensible, todas esas dudas , no sólo desaparecerán, sino, que se harán más intensas.
Supongo que es eso precisamente lo que nos diferencia de la masa, de toda esa gente que lo tiene tan claro porque nunca se han permitido dudar.
Un afectuoso saludo.
Eva.
Eva,
Again, thank you for your comments. Would you mind trying to translate what you wrote to English? I only understood a little bit of what you wrote. I tried using an online translator, but I don't think it was right.
Excuse me again. But It's so difficult to me explain every thoughts, ideas or feelings in your language..
Always think that I'm a simple foolish girl. I promise you, I'm much more clever when I speak spanish.
Well, I only try to explain to you a couple of things.
Firts one, I like the way you write. Everything look so near (so close??)...
And second one, don’t worry about the future because every questions without answer going on growing along years. And this is the different between you and the masses, they can live no doubt (???...that’s ok?...Oh, sorry for my terrible english...) .
Un abrazo,
Eva
I think there’s a lot to be said for creating your identity, rather than searching for it. In saying that; makes me a hypocrite, as we’re all on that coveted search-for-self. "Know thyself - a maxim as pernicious as it is odious. A person observing himself would arrest his own development." - André Gide
Eva,
I don't think you are foolish! There's no need to apologize for your English! It's better than my Spanish!
Thank you for the compliment on my writing. I'm guessing you meant that you identify, relate to, or clearly understand what I'm saying?
And the differences between us and the masses is that they don't have to doubt themselves?
Thank you for telling me not to worry about the future. I actually needed to hear that.
That was a beautiful post, we have more in common then I care to admit ... to myself so your writing is helpful. I agree, people try to label themselves and others to put them in a pretty little box so it is easy to understand. Unfortunately life isn't that easy and I think I'm glad it isn't.
AKH,
Hahahah! I know you didn't mean it as an insult, but I can see myself saying, "We have more in common than I care to admit." to a nemesis.
I'm glad to hear what I write resonates with you.
Crystal,
Could you elaborate on what you mean by, "A person observing himself would arrest his own development"?
It was a quote by Andre Gide - "a writer who did a lot of self-exploratory texts reflect his search of how to be fully oneself, even to the point of owning one's sexual nature, without at the same time betraying one's values" (Wikipedia)
The quote is about emotional development, our psychological evolution etc.
What he is essentially saying is, that if we look too hard at ourselves, we are sometimes at risk of holding ourselves back in terms of our own self-development. i.e. we might not grow emotionally to our full potential.
His theory is that if we look too hard, sometimes we start to see things in ourselves that are not really there. And that's where we are at risk of holding ourselves back from our natural development.
It is by no-means a negative comment - you should read some of his work, you'd could possibly find it insightful.
ShaneWorthy,
LOL No I didn't mean it that way. No insult intended.
Crystal,
Andre Girde sounds really interesting! And I might be one of those people who looks too hard at myself and "arrests" my own development.
Thanks!
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