This week has produced a few helpful insights:
* I've finally, fully realized that part of the reason why I developed certain addictive, self-destructive behaviors in high school was because I didn't want to accept the gay part of my identity. It's much easier to avoid accepting who you are when you're wrapped up in battling an addiction.
* I had an awesome, long, sincere conversation with my former roommate (the first girl I really liked and did anything with). We engaged in the same self-destructive behaviors together, AND were each other's firsts. Needless to say, we went through a very ugly period together. I came to associate her with denial in every sense of the word. But, after our talk, I feel impressed with how much she's grown in acknowledging the causes of her own problems. We shall be having a follow-up conversation in which I will share my revelation as stated in the previous bullet point. I feel some hope that our friendship will survive and that we'll be the lifelong friends we thought we could be. It feels really good.
* Speaking of repression, I hung out with an old friend last Saturday, and she told me that I'm more gay than I think I am. I am inclined to agree. I agree that it's higher than I used to think it was (25%). We disagreed on percentages though. I think my gayness level is 50%, and she thinks it's 75%. Either way, she's known me since middle school, and she's totally right about my repression. Getting bogged down in percentages is a bit much.
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2 comments:
Well, it seems that you are in the way to surpass an enormous undertow,don't you?
I suppose that to accept ourself is always more complicated than to obtain than the others accept what you are. But that they call it to grow or to mature. .and, It is wonderful.
And I glad for you.
Besos,
Eva
That really is funny that you 2 were debating percentages.
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