I've been very introspective and insightful in the past few months. It's been worth it: I've come to piece together a better understanding of my identity and psychological problems. No, being queer isn't one of those problems, but the way that I have reacted to it has been.
I've been so objective and scientific about it all in some ways. Yeah, I've "solved the equation" so to speak, but I haven't processed all the emotions that come with putting together a large puzzle of self-destruction and confusion. Because the emotions are hitting me now, and I'm overwhelmed. I find myself fighting and resisting some things still. And it's so frustrating.
I had one of those "Why can't I just be normal?" moments a few days ago. It totally came out of nowhere, so I was caught off guard. I felt so separate and disconnected. And I feel very different from the person I was six months ago. It creeped me out.
Yes, I know that "normal" doesn't really exist and that most standards are subjective constructs. But it would just be so much easier to be a het.
I'm so tired of all the labels and stereotypes; they're so limiting and binary. I like how one of Chuck Palahniuk's characters said it in Invisible Monsters: "I'm not straight, and I'm not gay. I'm not bisexual. I want out of the labels. I don't want my whole life crammed into a single word." I feel this way sometimes.
I'm aggravated with other people's ignorant assumptions, and I'm aggravated with the ignorant assumptions that I myself have internalized. It's annoying when the enemy is in your own head and you have to extract it via unlearning and reprogramming yourself.
And I happened to see an interesting quote on someone's blog: "Without gender there is no sexuality." I thought about it, and it's so true. That would be heaven: a society that embraces the fluidity of gender.
Blah. This post is vague and emo; I don't write vague and emo posts very often. I need to stop thinking so much, start feeling, let the negativity go, and just be.
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4 comments:
It seems that we are too complicated...
Sometimes I ask myself why we must know the smallest corner of our feelings. I understand you perfectly.
But I'm sure that it will serve for something....It's good to know what there is inside although at some moments we feel lost or outside the majority.
A warm hug, Shane.
Read your post is always a pleasure.
That's a good question: why do we have to understand ALL of our feelings? Especially if it ends up making us feel even more different from everyone else.
For me, clarity is the most important thing; I can't grow and learn as a person if I don't understand as much as I can.
I can totally relate to having the enemy in your own head. I think its great that you are trying to understand your feelings. It is hard and it does make you ask even more questions, but isn't that what life is all about?
Yes, it is true, to grow it is necessary to learn, and does not matter in what sense, in the personnel, in the intellectual, in the sentimental one ... but which is the reason that differentiates those that live free of any question and those whom the responses fill with light and with wounds.
Is it that what it makes to us different some of others, or they are the proper circumstances those that lead to restating us the world and trying to understand everything what happens to us?
Does the difference create the sensibility?
I believe that yes.
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