Ad Nauseum

So I was catching up with some old friends and discussing relationships. They're both pretty thoughtful and take calculated risks with guys. I take calculated risks too, but I'm more likely to jump into something with a guy and be willing to endure the inevitable emotional backlash. And it's very easy for me to objectify men (if I decide not to from the beginning).

I think that deep, deep down, I'm more gay than straight. I don't want to get married or have kids, but if I were to do those things, I'd rather do them with a woman. I'd rather live with one too. The thought of pursuing all those traditional things with a man sounds unnatural and forced to me--but I haven't ruled out that option for myself completely either.

But my friends were telling me how they want to be more cautious and think things through with relationship choices. I'm not one to pursue just any dude, but maybe I am more laidback because I don't expect any guy to turn into something serious because he's a guy. But I can still click with males emotionally, intellectually, and physically. I'm not a fan of where I lie on Kinsey's scale.

Ironically, I don't have much interest in girls right now aside from making mental notes of which I do and don't think are cute. (Lately I just turn my head for femmy girls in boyish clothes---yum!) And what I really want is for the guy I stupidly blew off for my ex to take me back (which he might do) and/or let Clive Owen fuck my brains out. Buh?

And yet I'm still really pissed off at my ex for suddenly turning into a prick. I didn't expect us to last for very long, and I didn't love him, but I certainly didn't expect just plain sub-everything behavior from him either. I actually liked him and was willing to give his maleness a chance, and in the end, he ended up exemplifying some typical male asshole-type behaviors.

But I don't want to give up on anyone or close myself off to any possibility either.

All I do is contradict myself. I have a solution that blends tradition and queerness: I should marry a rich gay man. We could help each other pick the right boyfriends and outfits. And he could support the baby that me and my [insert pretentious voice] "lesbian lover" would raise.

If I had the patience, I would switch my "bisexuality" tag to "bisexuality is constant aggravation" or something to that effect.