Thinking Out Loud

So my mostly closeted, bisexual friend (whom we'll call...Sally) called me yesterday and told me how she was at a bar (non-gay) with her friends. Everyone was drinking. Some straight-seeming girl started hitting on her, and they made out for a few minutes before the straight girl freaked out and ran away.

Sally freaked out too because she didn't want her friends to see her kissing a girl because the friends she was with didn't know she likes girls too.

Sally then freaked out to me on the phone about her own hypocrisy and state of closetedness: "I felt like I wasn't ready to give up the safety of seeming straight, so I didn't want to tell my friends, so I felt like a superficial hypocrite who hides behind the straight relationship I'm in (her boyfriend was cool with it when she told him about it later; I wonder if he'd be cool with it if she casually made out with a guy), but I don't feel ready to face it all in myself..."

I told Sally she's being a bit too hard on herself since she clearly recognizes her own issues. She should see this experience as an indicator of where she's at in the coming out process and as motivation to take more steps towards the goal of outness and self-acceptance.

I then felt prompted to evaluate my own outness status: about 50% of my friends know. And I just haven't gotten around to telling most of those who don't know. I went out to lunch this weekend with a good friend who I know for a fact isn't homophobic at all, and I thought maybe I should just get it over with. But I didn't know how to work it into the conversation; I'm better at transitions on paper than in person. I then realized that if I really want to share something, then I have to make a point to bring the attention to myself and say what I have to say.

Another thing that occurred to me was how I have a few friends who do know, but when they ask me about my personal life, they refer to it as my "boy life," or they only use male pronouns. It's not a huge deal, but it is kinda annoying. Maybe they forget. But just because I can be straight and have had more straight experiences doesn't mean that straightness encompasses all of who I am. But again, it's my responsibility to assertively point these things out.

I still feel hesitant. I don't always like drawing too much attention to myself in the first place. I don't want to come across as a bitchy, in-your-face person with a permanent rainbow-colored boa on my neck (I clearly prefer coming across that way in blog form); I don't want to make people unnecessarily uncomfortable. Sally expressed the same fear to me, and I told her that people will inevitably encounter uncomfortable experiences that will force them out of their perceptual comfort zones. It's a part of life, and we all have to deal with it.

Therefore, I need to keep my own advice in mind.