Offensive

fbaddict: im talking to this transwoman right now
fbaddict: i met her at pride...and she is OBSESSED with bdsm
ShaneMo: what is she? domme, sub, switch?
fbaddict: sub.. she was wearing a leash and collar
ShaneMo: way to advertise it
fbaddict: lol well thats what happens at pride
ShaneMo: true, everyone's inner freak comes out
ShaneMo: what has she been telling you?
fbaddict: i dunno, i kind of tune out when i'm bored. lol
ShaneMo: haha, she's like, "I love to deepthroat"
ShaneMo: and you're like "yawn, brian from queer as folk is hot"
fbaddict: LOL well shes a lesbian
fbaddict: oh god...she's is now telling me how shes going naked at pride once she gets her new body, and shes trying to persuade me to go naked at pride too. i told her i refuse to even be around naked people
ShaneMo: lol
fbaddict: is a transwoman's vagina really ugly?
fbaddict: like does it look like a normal vagina, or it all...disfigured?
ShaneMo: why are you asking me as if i'd know??
fbaddict: LOL i dont know
fbaddict: i guess im just scared to see it
fbaddict: so im not going to be around her next pride
ShaneMo: haha good thinking
ShaneMo: jesus you asked me that question as if i had an answer
fbaddict: i dunno, i thought you knew lol
ShaneMo: yes, i am an expert on surgically created vaginas
fbaddict: haha
ShaneMo: if a bigoted breeder asked me that, i'd probably be all holier than thou
ShaneMo: like, "how dare you imply that post-op transsexuals have ugly genitalia?"
fbaddict: LOL

Gotta Put It Behind You

The Planet Podcast, Episode 304: Light my Fire

Kelka go off on another tangent, and they end up, once again, discussing Carmen's spectacular ass:

KC: If Carmen walks by, and you don't look at her ass, then you're a gay man.
Elka: Even gay men look at Carmen's ass. Here we go again, Carmen's ass. We should just change this to "The Carmen's Ass Podcast" cus that's all we care about.
KC: [giggling] Well, it's not like we could really talk about it...
Elka: I don't care about plot; I don't care about character; I just care about Carmen's luscious cheeks.
KC: I would change the show to that, but, I mean, what else could you say? You could just sit here for an hour and be like, "Uhh! It's a nice ass! Like you can't just keep saying that, but it just enters your mind...
Elka: But we do!
KC: ...whenever you think of Shane, or Carmen, or anything related to the butt, it's Carmen's ass, so it's hard not to bring it up...to my mouth to kiss.
Elka: [sarcastic] Yeah, that was really awkward the other night with my parents at dinner when you started talking about Carmen's ass...
KC: [laughs]
Elka: ...and then my mom was like, "Oh, I know what you're talking about."

Aw, to imagine Elka's adorable mother earnestly discussing Carmen's ass is sort of...cute...and disturbing.

XX + XX

After the my not-so traditional previous post, I figured I'd keep things simple and address straightforward girl-on-girl attraction:

• Leisha Hailey looks yummy on this magazine cover. Not only is she the hottest lesbian in Hollywood, but she's probably the coolest.

• I saw Kissing Jessica Stein. It was cute and somewhat realistic. I identified with how two girls who seem like very different people ended up merging. There were some funny moments. I was skeptical when Jessica's sort of traditional Jewish mother was so accepting of her being in a lesbian relationship, but it's not unrealistic or impossible. It was interesting to see the lines between platonic and romantic love get blurred.

• Jodie Foster is looking kinda hot in her new movie The Brave One. The tank top. The boyish hair. The toned arms. She's lookin' good for her age.

Queer. As. FUCK

Disclaimer: The following conversation is between two sexually fluid female friends who have known each other for a long time. It is sexually explicit, and it openly discusses very kinky sex acts that some might find unsettling. It is, however, very interesting and very queer. And it cracked my shit up.

Me: what kind of kinky sex did you have?
Friend: pegging :D
Me: k i'm gonna hafta google that
Friend: uh
Friend: where i do him w a strap-on
Me: OMG WOW
Friend: :D :D :D
Friend: it is fun
Me: DAYM
Friend: he asked for it!
Me: HAHAHAHA
Friend: also he luuuuuvs it
Friend: <-- so lucky Me: you two are really good for each other
Friend: i think so
Me: so who owns the strap-on?
Friend: we kind of both do
Me: LOL
Friend: the harness and the double dildo were expensive
Me: "the strap-on is in our name"
Friend: so we split it right down the middle
Friend: exactly
Friend: if we were to break up, i don't know
Friend: i'd probably get rid of 'em
Friend: strap-on custody battle
Me: HAHAHAHA
Friend: we also got this vibrating...thing
Friend: which he likes a lot
Friend: he insists he thinks he can come just from having something stimulate his prostate enough, which i believe, but it's also like...
Friend: HURRY UP ALREADY
Friend: i'm not what you'd call a patient lover i guess
Me: LOL
Me: so did he come?
Friend: well i've jerked him off the times we've done it
Friend: he totally turns into this whimpering little boy, eyes all rolling up in his head
Friend: making crazy noises
Me: christ, i'm so happy for your sex life
Friend: lol, thank you. me too
Me: and he dresses like a total DORK
Friend: lol
Me: hahahahah
Friend: he actually wore a shirt with a collar last night
Friend: when he takes a minute and puts on something suitable for his age range
Friend: damn, it's a treat
Me: so were you facing him?
Friend: yeah, i had done it doggy-style before but with the shape of the head of the dildo he says missionary is better for his prostate
Friend: also it is hot
Me: lol, wow
Friend: also i can jerk him off like that
Friend: i highly recommend it
Friend: i've never even done that w a girl!
Me: HAHAHA
Friend: (and now i sort of want to)
Friend: (shhh don't tell :P)
Me: hahahahahaha
Me: oh please, i already knew that
Friend: i know, i was kidding
Friend: what are you up to tomorrow?
Me: blah, reading
Friend: yeah, if you want to come over and study (or i could come there) i'd be down
Friend: i have so much shit to do
Friend: you're good for keeping me motivated
Friend: when i get all overwhelmed and self-pitying you're all like "oh shut the fuck up"
Me: i am? i try to be nice
Friend: yeah but your demeanor is very "oh shut the fuck up."
Me: i don't know how to hide the "oh stfu" demeanor
Me: i've started wondering what it'd be like to date maybe a bi gi whose a bit femmy
Me: and we could just be QUEER as fuck together
Me: ugh, my spelling. wtf. bi guy
Friend: bi gi is cute :-).. it looks korean
Me: haha
Friend: you should look for one! they're fun
Friend: but they tend to be really self-absorbed and vain too
Me: if they're pretty, i can tolerate the vanity
Me: i'd probably encourage it
Me: i'm planning to taste a bit of everything this year
Friend: ha, good girl
Me: you should do a threesome w/ another guy
Friend: i don't know if i could deal with that
Friend: the first time i fucked his butt i got slightly worried, like, "does this mean you're maybe sort of gay"
Me: LOL
Friend: but i know he digs my vag. and it's nice, bc it gives me a vag vacation
Me: hahahaha
Me: um, hello, you're a little gay
Me: your bf is just queer. i was thinking that when you said he likes my voice
Friend: i know, i know it is not fair to be worried about him being gay except that i am possessive like that
Friend: he has to only like ME.
Friend: shrug
Friend: yeah he is totally queer, very much outside of traditional dichotomies
Friend: he says "it's so weird that you're the girl and i'm the boy" and i'm like hm ok yeah
Friend: but it's sort of true, compared to him i'm very practical and unimaginative and earthy
Me: hahaha
Friend: ...and i often tell him to get me a beer
Friend: oh man
Me: LOL
Friend: i should start calling him marge
Me: hahaha
Me: hah, i was talking about the idea of just being into one person with someone else
Me: i've been that way. one person-sexual
Me: ahhh, pretty queer boys
Me: it's on my to do list

I heart my friends.

Coincidence?

So I ended up coincidentally (sort of) running into my good friend (whom I'll call Jane) on the train. As we chatted, I told her about this lesbian acquaintance who told me about her one night stand. I told Jane how I don't think I'm "gay enough" to have a one night stand with a woman. I've never had a one night stand with a man, and I don't plan to, but I think men are usually easier to objectify sexually. Maybe it's because they generally have less of a problem with that than women do. And maybe because, gasp, I want to have feelings for a girl first.

Anyways, Jane has known me since I was 12. She thinks I'm super repressed because I'd always furtively admit some crush on a girl to her in high school. So she's always trying to get me to keep my mind open to that possibility that my gayness percentage is higher than I think it is; she wants me to reach my "gayest potential." She has good intentions, but I think our views of sexuality ultimately differ, so we end up misunderstanding each other.

So she was like, "Well, you might be that gay." And JUST as I was about to tell her that I disagree, she pointed to some guy several rows ahead of us. He was reading a newspaper, and on it you could see the words from some political cartoon. Large and clear, the words were, "I'M NOT GAY!"

It was uncanny.

TV Talk

I used to be so hooked to "The L Word," even when the show started to disappoint. Now I realize that I sorta forgot about it, and I'm only looking forward to season 5 for new Kelka podcasts. Maybe that's because I've found other TV shows that are so much better (some of which do a much better job of dealing with gay issues). Or maybe the show has only survived because 1) it created such a strong loyalty after the awesomeness of the first two seasons and 2) there aren't a lot of shows with lesbians (although this is changing).

I watched a few random clips on youtube yesterday, and I had some thoughts:

• It's such a cliche now, but I forgot how hot Shane is! How could I forget? Her voice, hair, clothes, demeanor...she's the hottest woman on the planet.
• California University of New Technology? They HAD to have made the acronym for Bette's workplace "CUNT" on purpose.
  
• I miss Alice and Bette. You know you're too into TV when you actually miss characters in the off season.
• My tolerance for watching Daniela Sea "act" is decreasing. She should just model because all she is is nice to look at.
• In spite of the fact that I complain about how the show doesn't represent bisexuals positively, I really do not want to see Alice in a relationship with a man. I mean, she's played by one of the cutest lesbians ever. I think Helena would be a more convincing bisexual.
• On a related note, the show seems to like to play opposites with sexuality. Like Alexandria Hedison and Leisha Hailey are gay in real life, but on the show they're a bit straight.
  
• I want to see Shane, Alice, and Bette in wifebeaters in season 5. And I want Bette back in power suits. Hot hot hot.
• Bette should get some sort of revenge on Franklin (the boss at the CAC who fired her while her father was dying) in season 5. Seriously, her losing her job was a major factor in her break up with Tina.
• Erin Daniels should be in most episodes of season 5.
  
• I sort of just want a fairytale happy ending in season 5: Sharmen should get back together, and they should adopt Shay. Hopefully Carmen's bitchiness factor would decrease. TiBette would work it out. Tasha and Alice would live happily ever after (and be super hot I might add). Dylan should come back to Helena, admit her gayness, apologize, and beg Helena to be with her forever. Max should get top surgery, be happy with it, and settle down with Grace. As for Jenny..I don't give a fuck what happens to the bitch. I will say that I always wanted her and Marina to work it out, but I doubt that'll happen.

Analyze, Analyze, Analyze

Can you tell that deviations from binary sexual orientations fascinate me?

fbaddict: oh so i was thinking about the whole, emotional attraction thing
fbaddict: to girls
fbaddict: and how it's predominantly girls
fbaddict: and anyway, so i was thinking about it, and like so much of it i just want to be physically close to them, like not sexually but just hold them, cause they are really soft. unlike guys. just the way they are built, their arms and everything are really soft. and anyway
fbaddict: that has got to be based on some deep psychological shit
fbaddict: so i think maybe its cause when i was a baby, my mom didnt hold me or something
fbaddict: that kind of makes sense?
ShaneMo: yeah, i understand
fbaddict: cause i dont feel the same way about guys
ShaneMo: i knew we'd eventually talk about something like this
fbaddict: lol
ShaneMo: what's your relationship w/ your mom like?
fbaddict:well im not close to either of my parents
fbaddict: and i dont remember if i was actually close to her when i was a baby, obviously
fbaddict: but like, thats the only thing i can think of that makes sense
fbaddict: i think my natural sexual orientation would have been hetero
ShaneMo: hm, okay
fbaddict: but that does make sense though, right?
ShaneMo: no i get what you're saying
fbaddict: hmmm
ShaneMo: it's possible and worth exploring
fbaddict: but how would u ever know
ShaneMo: but try to stay objective
ShaneMo:"mom, on a scale of 1-10, did you hold me enough when i was a baby?"
fbaddict: hahahahahaha
fbaddict: but whats bothering me is that it is particularly their softness that i am attracted to
ShaneMo: well, softness is nice
fbaddict: but like, ive never looked at a guy and wanted to hold him
ShaneMo: hm, what feelings have you felt for guys?
ShaneMo: well im more sexually attracted to guys
fbaddict: but i dont want to be physically close to them for the same reason as i do with the girls i've liked
ShaneMo: do you like cuddling w/ guys?
fbaddict: for the comfort sometimes yea
fbaddict: ive never cuddled with a girl i like that way so i dont even know how thats like
ShaneMo: my guess is you'll like it a lot
fbaddict: probably
fbaddict: but even when i look at them, the feeling is completely different
ShaneMo: ok first off, have you ever emotionally/intellectually clicked with a guy
ShaneMo: on any level
fbaddict: hmmm
fbaddict: its hard to say
fbaddict: i dont know about emotionally
fbaddict: intellectually yeah
ShaneMo: yeah, hmm
ShaneMo:well, girls are easier to connect with
ShaneMo: but that's just my opinion

I myself have wondered if parental dysfunction had anything to do with my liking girls. While I do think it's a breeder misconception that people are gay due to dysfunction, all people, gay or straight, bring varying degrees of family baggage to relationships. Sometimes it's acute and manageable, and sometimes it's not.

But, let's say, theoretically, I had a shitty relationship with my father/he or some man sexually abused me. Couldn't my behavior go in many directions? I could be a lesbian because men and their vicious dicks scare me. I could repress my sexuality altogether because sex scares me. I could try to seek out nice guys (consciously and/or subconsciously). I could try to seek out mean guys because it's all I know (consciously and/or subconsciously).

There are so many different factors that I don't think generalizations can really explain such a complex part of one's identity.

Hah, I say this about everything now. Is that what it means to become an adult? To realize that nothing is simple and that there are no answers?