Analyze, Analyze, Analyze

Can you tell that deviations from binary sexual orientations fascinate me?

fbaddict: oh so i was thinking about the whole, emotional attraction thing
fbaddict: to girls
fbaddict: and how it's predominantly girls
fbaddict: and anyway, so i was thinking about it, and like so much of it i just want to be physically close to them, like not sexually but just hold them, cause they are really soft. unlike guys. just the way they are built, their arms and everything are really soft. and anyway
fbaddict: that has got to be based on some deep psychological shit
fbaddict: so i think maybe its cause when i was a baby, my mom didnt hold me or something
fbaddict: that kind of makes sense?
ShaneMo: yeah, i understand
fbaddict: cause i dont feel the same way about guys
ShaneMo: i knew we'd eventually talk about something like this
fbaddict: lol
ShaneMo: what's your relationship w/ your mom like?
fbaddict:well im not close to either of my parents
fbaddict: and i dont remember if i was actually close to her when i was a baby, obviously
fbaddict: but like, thats the only thing i can think of that makes sense
fbaddict: i think my natural sexual orientation would have been hetero
ShaneMo: hm, okay
fbaddict: but that does make sense though, right?
ShaneMo: no i get what you're saying
fbaddict: hmmm
ShaneMo: it's possible and worth exploring
fbaddict: but how would u ever know
ShaneMo: but try to stay objective
ShaneMo:"mom, on a scale of 1-10, did you hold me enough when i was a baby?"
fbaddict: hahahahahaha
fbaddict: but whats bothering me is that it is particularly their softness that i am attracted to
ShaneMo: well, softness is nice
fbaddict: but like, ive never looked at a guy and wanted to hold him
ShaneMo: hm, what feelings have you felt for guys?
ShaneMo: well im more sexually attracted to guys
fbaddict: but i dont want to be physically close to them for the same reason as i do with the girls i've liked
ShaneMo: do you like cuddling w/ guys?
fbaddict: for the comfort sometimes yea
fbaddict: ive never cuddled with a girl i like that way so i dont even know how thats like
ShaneMo: my guess is you'll like it a lot
fbaddict: probably
fbaddict: but even when i look at them, the feeling is completely different
ShaneMo: ok first off, have you ever emotionally/intellectually clicked with a guy
ShaneMo: on any level
fbaddict: hmmm
fbaddict: its hard to say
fbaddict: i dont know about emotionally
fbaddict: intellectually yeah
ShaneMo: yeah, hmm
ShaneMo:well, girls are easier to connect with
ShaneMo: but that's just my opinion

I myself have wondered if parental dysfunction had anything to do with my liking girls. While I do think it's a breeder misconception that people are gay due to dysfunction, all people, gay or straight, bring varying degrees of family baggage to relationships. Sometimes it's acute and manageable, and sometimes it's not.

But, let's say, theoretically, I had a shitty relationship with my father/he or some man sexually abused me. Couldn't my behavior go in many directions? I could be a lesbian because men and their vicious dicks scare me. I could repress my sexuality altogether because sex scares me. I could try to seek out nice guys (consciously and/or subconsciously). I could try to seek out mean guys because it's all I know (consciously and/or subconsciously).

There are so many different factors that I don't think generalizations can really explain such a complex part of one's identity.

Hah, I say this about everything now. Is that what it means to become an adult? To realize that nothing is simple and that there are no answers?