Disappearing Act

I've been having Xena cravings lately. I keep trying to deny them, but they won't go away. She's so strong, and watching her is regressively theraputic and inspiring. It appeals to the archetypical desire for a hero one can identify with.

I want to be stronger than I am. Mentally more so than physically (although it's kind of sad that I need boyfriend to open cans for me). I'm realizing that, while I have come so far in building up psychological strength, I still have so much more growing that I want and simply need to do. I need to internally subert all external attempts to make me an unhappy, brainwashed pawn. I need to develop more constructive thinking patterns.

I feel like I'm disappearing both physically and mentally. I spend too much time catering to others. I'm tired of having other people's voices in my head telling me what to do, what to like, and how to present myself. I just want to relax and be without worrying about keeping up appearances for some other trying to use me for something.

I also found out that I weigh the least I have ever weighed as an adult. I didn't even notice until the numbers made it undeniably clear. I guess life has been too consuming for me to tune into such a drastic change in my own place of residence.

Something's gotta give. I'm the only one who can make it happen. I may never be able to go through life without being punished for everything, and I may not have much time for all the things I want to do. But I'll be damned if I let this crap make me mentally stagnate into a reactionary victim.