I'm a bit surprised that I've managed to put up so many posts about bisexuality, but I guess it's not really surprising. I'm just going to let this conversation speak for itself:
Friend: i have always wanted to be a mother for instance
Friend: whether that has to do with a het relationship or not is what i've grappled with
Friend: before i ever came out to my mom, she told me, "you can just get pregnant with a man and tell him you don't want a relationship with him. that's fine." she seemed very insistent on that.
Friend: and in retrospect i think that's what she did with her first husband
Friend: hedging her bets like
Me: hm
Friend: but now that i'm out to her
Friend: and she knows i prefer Relationships With Guys
Friend: and that i mostly just like to have sex with girls, and haven't been able to commit to a relationship with one
Friend: she says, "it's best if you have a baby with a man who'll commit to you and to raising the child"
Friend: so there's a double standard
Friend: if my bf was a girl she'd say completely different things
Me: how...adaptive of her
Friend: well, i read your blog posts about what bisexuality is
Friend: regarding whether or not you're bi if you're in a committed het relationship
Friend: that stuff troubles me
Friend: i know i am
Friend: i know i want and love women
Friend: there is never any doubt in my mind that i'm thoroughly bisexual, and percentages don't matter
Friend: and that the man i'm with satisfies all of that
Friend: the masculine i want and the feminine i want
Friend: but it's still weird. am i less bi for wanting to get pregnant?
Me: there are lesbians who want to get pregnant
Friend: of course
Friend: but i want to have a baby with a man
Friend: one specific man
Friend: so where does that put me
Me: that's why i make a distinction between actual and current sexuality
Friend: i don't think that's fair though.
Friend: your sexuality is not a biography.
Friend: it's in your head.
Friend: it's always there.
Me: hmm
Friend: i will love and want girls until i die.
Friend: and i will continually attempt to be with them until i die.
Friend: : because i am bisexual.
Me: okay, so there's what's in your head and there's what you're doing
Friend: right.
Me: you're doing your bf
Me: but girls are still in your head
Me: if you continue to have them in your head, then you're bi
Me: hmm
Me: but even that is limited
Friend: sure, cause my bf will never have tits or a vagina or a female psyche.
Me: you'd still be bi if you had babies w/ him
Me: but...your participation for the bi team would be less
Me: just makes you a less active member, but you're still a member
Friend: i don't think making babies with a dude makes a person less bi
Friend: i think making babies with a dude who restricts bi ideation and behavior makes a person less bi
Friend: my bf is more actively bi than i am at this point
Friend: he's more curious
Friend: he's more enthusiastic about the idea of kissing boys
Friend: bisexuality is about the ability to love and want anyone
Friend: : he and i both have that
Me: well...i think making babies does generally make you less focused on sex for a while
Friend: the fact that we choose each other for a life mate or wtfever is not a sign of orientation
Friend: maybe, but who knows?
Friend: some couples fuck like bunnies during and after
Friend: i've always looked forward to pregnancy
Me: i'm sure, but if you're having kids, priorities change
Friend: i always thought the idea of childbirth was horrifying, but pregnancy, shit, that's hot
Friend: you're a goddess
Friend: you're making a new person
Friend: from your body
Friend: : and depressed
Friend: and hungry
Friend: and anorexic
Friend: and pissy
Friend: and sad
Friend: and craving
Friend: and screaming
Friend: such are goddesses
Me: *rolls eyes
Friend: come on
Me: overrated
Friend: meditate on the idea of making a person in your belly
Friend: with no men or women or anyone else
Friend: and try and tell me the idea isn't spiritually beautiful
Me: you're so dead set on converting me
Friend: no
Me: it's a nice idea
Friend: i'm dead set on the beauty of motherhood, despite how ugly it's always been in my mind
Me: well, i admire that considering your relationship with the woman who gave birth to you
Friend: right
Friend: it's not about being a mother
Friend: it's about making someone inside you
Friend: that's hot
Friend: and beautiful
Friend: and queer as hell
Friend: i'm not gonna yell that it's for everyone
Friend: i just think it doesn't necessarily have to do with heteronormative structures
Me: fair enough
Friend: mother doesn't have to mean wife is all i'm saying
Me: it's definitely cool
Me: true
Friend: i'm just saying, being in a maternal or het relationship doesn't have to make one less bi.
Me: ok, i agree
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2 comments:
Hi, I found your blog only today, because I went looking for blogs by bisexuals. considering this (very interesting) conversation with your friend: So many bisexual girls lament losing touch with the lesbian community if they happen to have settled down with a guy. They sometimes feel like they're betraying "their" people by "choosing" (oh, the prejudice!) to be with a man. It looks to me that doesn't exactly happen if they settle down with a woman. they simply turn gay, just like Alice on The L Word (and I am still mad about that). Is it possible that I am the only one in a lesbian relationship and still missing that other part of me, still being bisexual - even if the woman I am with is the frickin love of my life?
mcC
Hi,
Thanks for commenting! You ask a lot of challenging questions. I think it can be harder for gay people to lose someone to the straight team since straight people are in the majority.
I think some choose, and some don't: some are more spontaneous with their love, and some are more practical.
I'm sure you're not the only bisexual female with a woman you love who misses her bisexual identity.
I have plenty more posts on bisexuality here.
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