Identity Vol. 1

I started watching "The L Word" because of Shane/Katherine Moennig. I had seen a few floating LJ icons of her, and her image caught my eye. She physically exemplifies androgyny: she has the skinny boy hips, and she looks super in sexy male clothing. She rocks the boy arms, the messy short hair, and the Converse (which takes me back to my fashion sense in high school). And her pronounced chin has her looking like a dude from certain angles. And yet she has a big beautiful smile, glowing green eyes, and wears eye make up.

When I started watching the show, I noticed that her mannerisms exuded a calm, suave, sexy confidence that only made her deep, sultry voice even more attractive.

I found her painfully hot. It was hard to look at her because it felt like an overload of sexiness.

But I don't want to fuck her.

The way she looks physically is how I feel on the inside. I remember asking a friend in high school if I was (physically) androgynous, and I didn't quite hear what I wanted to:

Me: Am I androgynous?
Her: Sorta, but your boobs are too big in comparison to the size of your hips.
Me: Dammnit!

I remember telling an ex-boyfriend that I thought I was androgynous, and, after seeing me without my clothes on, he told my that my body was too petite and too feminine for that. He did tell me that he could see how I'm mentally androgynous because I have a more boyish sense of humor (blunt, crass, sarcastic). A part of me has learned to accept and embrace all this.

Growing up, I had a bit of a complex for not being as girly as I "should" have been. I hated shopping, dresses, wearing my hair down, make-up, and the color pink. All that made me uncomfortable and like I was not being myself. My mom made me feel like I wasn't the right type of girl. I've become more well-rounded: I love pink, I occasionally wear a bit of make up, and I love showing off my curly hair when the humidity doesn't turn it into an afro. But, on the inside, I still feel that androgyny. There are some days where I love to feel girly, and there are other days when that grosses me out.

I'm starting to accept my own diversity and see that I don't have to live up to any standard of femininity that isn't me. But it's still confusing and a bit of a struggle at times. I simultaneously feel like and insider and an outsider with my more normal hetero friends.

This also applies to my fluctuating sexual identity. I'll save another post for that can-of-worms issue.