Help!

The past 12 hours have been quite frightening for me. I'm really not afraid of dying (preferably not at the hands of a murdering rapist though), but the consequences of debilitating illnesses do scare me.

Boy came through for me though. I (hopefully) came through for him. I wish I didn't have to (unintentionally) scare him. I've worried people enough. I felt grateful that my reality didn't send him running as we made out in the hospital parking lot with relief flowing through our veins.

And he saw me with no make-up and my hair tied back. Gah!

I write a lot about identity. I analyze, simplify, criticize, philosopize, etc. Occasionally I stand on a pulpit and snarl. I may have some brains, but I'm starting to take some comfort in the incontrovertible fact that I will never have it all figured out.

The most honest truth I know is that I am nothing. I'm a worthless piece of shit who doesn't know what the future holds and when my future will end. All I have is this moment. And I barely even have that.

And I am one lucky, lucky bitch. Goddamn!

I'm glad to know this. I'm glad to feel it.

AHHHHHHHHHH! I should sleep.