Such a girl

I like being a girl, even if I could be considered a slight disgrace to the standard definition of what a girl is supposed to be (e.g. I still don't know how to put on eye shadow, and I still whip out my toy lightsaber from time to time).

It occurred to me that I will always see myself as a gay girl. Even when I'm not really into girls and when I spend all day dying to do dirty things to a boy I'm into.

Perhaps this does not make sense.

But I'm always going to keep my nails short, avoid purses, have a blunt sense of humor, gush over sci-fi, etc. I suppose a more accurate identification would be "boyish girl." Sexual orientation and gender expression don't always overlap.

I re-realized this when I was giving a super girly friend of mine sex advice; it occurred to me that I am way more into dick than she ever will be.

But I'm a queer! And I say this after a day of indulgent, amazing, heterosexual sex. Hmm, I sound like I'm trying to prove something here. I'm really not.

On the other hand, I used to be all stern and emotionally bottled up all the time. I could be a worrying whirlwind on the inside but wear a monotone mask on the outside. I can still be that way, and I know how to use it to my advantage when "playing it cool" helps a situation.

But the weepy, expressive version of me has been gradually coming out over the past year or so. I don't feel weepy very often to begin with, but I'd say it's healthier to let it out than keep it in. If someone has a problem with it, then it's better to know that so I can eliminate/downgrade them socially.

It's exhausting to put up a strong front all the time; I wonder if men feel this way. We all know that men cry, but they aren't expected to. I wonder if this makes it harder for them when they do.

Who knows. Cheers.