Random

I have a crush on Maybe on Arrested Development. I'll even take her Jewey hair. And we can conveniently disregard the fact that her character is a high schooler.

I want to be sterilized.

I cannot stand the sight of Elizabeth Berkely's skanky face; she is drop dead hideous. Bitch belongs in a porno. A really awful porno.

Shane isn't interesting anymore. Her charisma has been diluted.

As much as I want to see marriage equality in this country, I'm kind of starting to despise the way people idealize being married.

I love KC and Elka, and I am not sure how I will feel after listening to their last podcast. I'm a little scared.

My extremely heterosexual boyfriend thinks Rachel Maddow is cute. Maybe it isn't exactly soley based on what she looks like, but c'mon! She's awesome. She's on a slightly queer list of people whose voices I like to hear: Barack Obama, Khaela Maricich, Dan Savage, Leisha Hailey, etc.

Test

Boy is a talented, passionate photographer, and he finally got a camera that he was waiting to get for years. He wanted to take pictures of me, and he was excited about it. This is a nice, normal thing to do, right?

The problem is that I am quite camera shy. Translation: the second he pointed the camera at me, I flinched, covered my face with my hands, and locked myself into the fetal position.

This involuntary wave of shyness took over, and I wished I was wearing a hoodie to turtle it up under.

And yet, we're planning on incorporating mirrors into our sex life. This delicious thought has me smirking, and it's a testament to how low my self-consciousness levels are.

So what the hell? The extent of my camera shyness surprised us both. And I explained that I don't think I look like what pictures say I look like. And this dichotomy has led me to generally avoid cameras.

It really reminds me of the striking mismatch a transgendered person might feel. Like, What? That's me?! Nooo!

I have some options on what to do:

a) continue to avoid cameras
b) allow myself to be photographed and view the pictures minimally
c) allow myself to be photographed and force myself to view the pictures frequently

I have some options on how to view this:
a) a chore to push through for someone else
b) an exercise in challenging myself
c) something new to do, and something new to detach from the results of

Hmmm....

Typecasting

I'm falling for a boy. This is the first time that I've hit it off with a guy who isn't eternally grouchy, cynical, arrogant, and/or dominant.

You know, all of those stereotypical MAN qualities. All of these old turn-on's have become big turn off's. After getting fed up with the last one, I made a point to not invest myself with any other version of him and what he represents.

I used to think I wouldn't enjoy a slightly girly guy who brings out my silly side. Who knew I could have fun spending time with someone who I feel eternally giggly around. Around him, my dry, intellectual wit tends to temporarily fly out the window. And he seems to enjoy watching me act a damn fool. We'll see how long this lasts for.

It's a refreshing break from living in my big, dense head. And it's refreshing to pleasantly surprise myself. And, at the end of the day, I'll still get scooped up and tossed around like the toy that I am. Tee hee.

Pervy

I was going to write something remotely intelligible today, but I was recently reminded of Alfred Kinsey and the film about him.

So instead I'm posting a link to the hot scene in which Liam Neeson passionately makes out with another guy after admitting to be bi (a 3 on his own scale).

It's cute how the guy gives him a sweet, harmless little peck at first. And then Neeson reaches for him hungrily.

Mmmm.

Bracing Myself

KC and Elka's final podcast might not be that far away. I knew that they wouldn't podcast forever, but my heart might just sink a little when the day to say goodbye comes.

Will we know how they're doing a few years down the road? What if they have children? I'll want to know!

I seriously hope they do a final Chart; it'd be a good way to end things. And I seriously hope I'm on it! I've left them a lot of messages, some lame and some not-so-lame.

Sigh. Yes, I'm well aware of the impermanent nature of everything. But I heart Kelka. Dearly.

Such a girl

I like being a girl, even if I could be considered a slight disgrace to the standard definition of what a girl is supposed to be (e.g. I still don't know how to put on eye shadow, and I still whip out my toy lightsaber from time to time).

It occurred to me that I will always see myself as a gay girl. Even when I'm not really into girls and when I spend all day dying to do dirty things to a boy I'm into.

Perhaps this does not make sense.

But I'm always going to keep my nails short, avoid purses, have a blunt sense of humor, gush over sci-fi, etc. I suppose a more accurate identification would be "boyish girl." Sexual orientation and gender expression don't always overlap.

I re-realized this when I was giving a super girly friend of mine sex advice; it occurred to me that I am way more into dick than she ever will be.

But I'm a queer! And I say this after a day of indulgent, amazing, heterosexual sex. Hmm, I sound like I'm trying to prove something here. I'm really not.

On the other hand, I used to be all stern and emotionally bottled up all the time. I could be a worrying whirlwind on the inside but wear a monotone mask on the outside. I can still be that way, and I know how to use it to my advantage when "playing it cool" helps a situation.

But the weepy, expressive version of me has been gradually coming out over the past year or so. I don't feel weepy very often to begin with, but I'd say it's healthier to let it out than keep it in. If someone has a problem with it, then it's better to know that so I can eliminate/downgrade them socially.

It's exhausting to put up a strong front all the time; I wonder if men feel this way. We all know that men cry, but they aren't expected to. I wonder if this makes it harder for them when they do.

Who knows. Cheers.

*Tilts head

Why did I only see men looking at Valentine's Day cards at the grocery store?

What?

Blah. Yes, I'm watching the final season of The L Word. Yes, I want to see how the show that I've been anxiously watching for the past three years ends. No, I do not feel like I have much energy to actually write about this trainwreck of program.

I'm glad Jenny dies though.

Blah, I need a new writing project.

I've noticed that when I take a stand against something, I will inevitably contradict myself on that issue at some point.

For example, straight girls who make out with other straight girls as a way to turn men on is gross to me. Even if they actually want to have sex with a girl, the truth is that they're probably only eating pussy so they can have dick for dessert.

Although, objectively speaking, consenting adults should be able to do just about whatever they want to. They're not hurting anyone, so why should I care?

And when boy told me that he'd find it hot to see me with another girl, I didn't angrily retort. Instead, my mind wandered off to what that would be like. And the result was, Hmmm, that could be hot!

Although I might get really greedy and possessive of both him and the girl in all of my neurotic glory. No, you can only touch meeee!

Yeah, I need a new writing project.

Help!

The past 12 hours have been quite frightening for me. I'm really not afraid of dying (preferably not at the hands of a murdering rapist though), but the consequences of debilitating illnesses do scare me.

Boy came through for me though. I (hopefully) came through for him. I wish I didn't have to (unintentionally) scare him. I've worried people enough. I felt grateful that my reality didn't send him running as we made out in the hospital parking lot with relief flowing through our veins.

And he saw me with no make-up and my hair tied back. Gah!

I write a lot about identity. I analyze, simplify, criticize, philosopize, etc. Occasionally I stand on a pulpit and snarl. I may have some brains, but I'm starting to take some comfort in the incontrovertible fact that I will never have it all figured out.

The most honest truth I know is that I am nothing. I'm a worthless piece of shit who doesn't know what the future holds and when my future will end. All I have is this moment. And I barely even have that.

And I am one lucky, lucky bitch. Goddamn!

I'm glad to know this. I'm glad to feel it.

AHHHHHHHHHH! I should sleep.

Long Time No Cut and Paste

Friend: so do you like pussy at all anymore?
Me: hah!
Friend: lol
Me: i like the right pussy
Friend: haha
Me: the right one hasnt come yet
Friend: i havent been interested in women for a while
Friend: that last girl i liked repulses me
Me: yeahhh, me neither
Me: well that's good since she’s a cunt
Friend: i must have been on something
Friend: lol
Friend: she has nothing that i look for in a woman
Friend: shes way too skinny. i like a woman with at least some ass and meat
Me: lol!
Me: i wasnt expecting you to go on a mini "this is what i like in my woman folk" rant
Friend: HAHA
Friend: sorry
Friend: lol
Me: no, i like
Friend: haha
Friend: what do you look for in a woman?
Me: i was thinkin bout this the other day
Friend: haha really
Me: and i realized that it's narcissistic
Friend: why?
Me: but i like girls whose body types are similar to mine
Friend: because youre a woman?
Friend: oh
Friend: so what
Me: slim, soft, curvy
Friend: we are attracted to people similar to us
Me: i guess this doesn't automatically make me vain
Friend: no
Friend: i dont think it does
Me: for a minute i felt that way
Friend: lol no
Me: i have noticed that i dont like rail thin girls so much anymore
Me: before i used to like shane-like thinness
Me: at least to look at
Me: not necessarily to touch
Friend: yeah same
Friend: shes hot. but i wouldnt do her
Friend: shes way too skinny and boyish
Me: i like the boyish but not the bonyness
Me: yeesh
Friend: ah
Me: she has no tits tho
Me: that's disappointing
Friend: who?
Friend: shane?
Me: yeah
Me: maybe not to you
Friend: i dont care about boobies
Friend: lol
Me: i know
Me: this i do not understand
Friend: but her not having any makes her seem more like a boy
Friend: i dunno. i guess its weird
Friend: im not a lezzzz
Me: gah!
Me: lezzzz
Friend: lol
Me: that's an icky way to say it
Friend: sorry
Me: that's ok
Me: i'd take "raging bulldyke" over "lezzzz"
Friend: HAHA raging bulldyke. i love it
Me: it gives amusing mental pics
Friend: lol yeah
Friend: my bf may have turned me straight
Friend: completely
Me: wow
Me: that's SO subject to change

Props

I must say that Michael C. Hall is quite the actor. He played a subtley convincing gay man on Six Feet Under, and he plays a somehow convincing sympathetic serial killer on Dexter.

On Six Feet Under, he plays a character (David) who is flamboyant but not over-the-top and stereotypical like Jack from Will and Grace. He does an amazing job of portraying someone who is struggling with accepting himself. And David's tears towards the end of the series make me tear up every time I watch the last few heartbreaking episodes of Six Feet Under.

Dexter, an example of a good program that Showtime has produced, gives Hall the opportunity to be versatile. It's hard to imagine him being straight after you watch Six Feet Under, and it's hard to imagine him being gay after you watch him in Dexter. And I'm always on his side when Dexter's way of life (killing killers) is threatened.

Hats off to you, Michael C. Hall.

Cute

So I've been hanging with the new boy more lately. And he obviously knows I'm bi. I noticed that anytime I'd say something about a girl (e.g. "she has a cute voice") he would have a subdued reaction. I thought that maybe I was coming off as being more into girls than boys, and he consequently wasn't dying to hear me check them out.

We were talking about the possibilities between us and what we like about each other. He looked at me seriously and calmly revealed the truth:

Him: And I find your bisexuality to be very interesting.
Me: What? You seemed kinda put off by it.
Him: No, I was trying to not seem like the stereotypical perv, so I downplayed my reactions.

I find this effort to be endearing. I then confessed that talking about girls with boyfriends is tons of fun for me.