iSuck v. 6.0

I’m going to try to be somewhat honest in this post. Because I’m not so good at it.

I haven’t been treating myself well lately. Mentally speaking. I’ve been getting lost in my own head. It’s affecting how I interact with other people. I’m fine in professional settings. In fact, I’m thriving at my current job. I gave a mini presentation the other day, and I was calm, confident, and knowledgeable in a room where everyone was a lot older and more experienced than I am. And I enjoyed myself.

But when it comes to social settings, I feel like I’ve sorta forgotten how to be myself and how to open up to other people. I’m letting my distorted perceptions of myself take over in a way. Some of it’s gay-related, and some of it isn’t. My best friend is the only one who is aware of this, and she’s always trying to get me to hang out to give me a break from my dense brain. She’s probably the one person who might know me better than I know myself, and I still have to sort of force myself to be honest with her.

And I have some perceptive, brilliant, and emotionally available friends who would be more than willing to let me unload on them; I’ve always been there for them when I can. But I completely forget about the notion of sharing. Yesterday a friend called me on how I share and then don’t share. What the hell is up with that?

I still feel like I’ll be judged or I’ll become a burden. I just want to hide hide hide everything. When I was in high school, I used to have romantic fantasies about being a solitary, spiritual, and intellectual person (uh, I was a late bloomer) like Thoreau. Now, I’m just a solitary overly intellectual person who hibernates according to her own fucked-up seasons.

Blah, this is getting old. I feel like I’m too old and too smart for this self-image bullshit. I’m limiting myself, and it’s getting to a point where I will definitely regret it. And I don’t regret very many things. I’m making a point to change the status quo.