Paradox

The universe keeps throwing tall, lean, muscular guys that I can joyously shoot the shit with for hours. It's a curse in a way...

I've sorta mentioned this before, but I'm very attracted to men who are drop dead brilliant, but I don't have this requirement for women. Furthermore, I'm more attracted to men who are skeptics who question and try to rise above societal norms. With a girl, I just want to laugh, have analytical conversations, and ride with awesome chemistry.

So I want a somewhat "normal" girl and a somewhat "rebellious" guy. And being with men is considered "normal," while being with women is "rebellious."

But my types often get too skeptical, and it gets to be a burden to listen to them bitch about our fucked up world for hours on end. But this new guy seemed to be a sincere person with a good heart, so I gladly played therapist as I have often done for people.

I was supposed to hang out with him tomorrow. I wanted to cancel our plans and cancel him in general. I called him up, stated my grievances, and yelled at him for 20 minutes. He calmly addressed what my issues were.

And then we had a fun little three hour-long conversation that we both struggled to stop. Oh, and we're haning out tomorrow. Oh, and he doesn't like super girly girls.

I'm fucked.

The Should Nots

I'm different from how I was when I started this blog; this is no surprise since it's been about 1.5 years. I was a bit bitter and overly analytical then.

I'm tempted to bitch about Prop 8 and die-hard Pro-Lifers who refuse to allows rape and incest victims get an abortion. But I don't think I have much more that is new to say on these issues.

Except that I left a message on Kelka's voicemail that went something like this:

I just realized that the entire maniacal/extreme Pro-Life package is sort of Anti-Life in a way. It's often (but not always) intertwined with religious extremism and the inability or unwillingness to separate church and state.

You can't have fun and be who you are: you Shouldn't be gay, you Shouldn't have sex before marriage, you Shouldn't use some or all forms of contraception, and you Shouldn't have the choice to abort a child that is the product of a rape.

All of these Should Nots are just toxic because they aren't reasonable, realistic,or responsible. Trying to teach kids to abstain from any sort of fun will backfire. Repression and denial are unhealthy and lead to the inability to responsibly manage one's urges when they inevitably burst to the surface.

I had some Should Not biases when I started blogging here: there Shouldn't be so many straight people. People Shouldn't have kids. Bigots Shouldn't be political leaders. Straight people Shouldn't be so ignorant about their privileges.

While every argument can have some truth to it, and this country CLEARLY needs a lot of help, I've been happier since I've let go of trying to impose my ideals all the time.

I should, however, note I am not likely to be this calm about things if John McCain is elected.

Thank You

I was having one of those lovely, long, liberating conversations with a guy that I'm hoping to at least be good friends with. We speak the same language and have similar goals. It's great so far.

So I was talking for a minute, and when I finished he said, It's like you're not a girl; you're a person.

Ha! He articulated how I have felt my whole life. I've always just felt like a person with thoughts who has some girly and boyish traits. But deep down, I just see myself as a person. I don't want to say genderless because, in a way, that implies a lacking of sorts (or maybe that's only in my head).

I'm just a person, and gender can be irrelevant. It was awesome for someone else to see that in me, especially from a male romantic prospect. I feel almost grateful.

Inverse

A while ago my friend informed me of something that you would think I'd be aware of: I have abs. While it was flattering to hear, I really don't have much muscle mass at all at this time. The vast majority of the population is bigger and stronger than I am.

Furthermore, I don't want abs. I used to. I remember sporting a four pack in high school. I remember doing pilates in college and fantasizing about reaching Janet Jackon's level of abdominal superiority.

Now I love being soft. Not fat, but pleasantly padded. I find it more healthy and aesthetic. Nobody wants to cuddle with a skeleton or rest their head on a tummy with no cushioning.

And, I find it more feminine. But wait. Doesn't society put more pressure on women to be thin? Aren't women supposed to be ones bitching about feeling fat, counting calories/pounds, and asking their spouses if certain dresses make them look fat?

And yet, in my head, I feel like it's more masculine to be harder and more angular. And it's the woman's "job" to be huggable and soft.

It's so liberating to be able to see something differently. Same variables, different formula, new results.

Props

This is yet another reason why I blog crush on Riese and her posse of automatic winners.

Art is meant to be acknowledged, appreciated, discussed, and shared. So is information. Hence the link.

One of these things is not like the other

I used to associate girliness with stupidity. I'm not sure when I stopped exactly, but I know it lasted in my early college days. I remember my friends comparing me to Daria and Darlene Connor from Roseanne.

Somewhere along the line, I slowly broke the connection between these two traits. I started to enjoy more sappy endings. I bought some cheap mascara. I was susceptible to male flattery. And my personality still produced a cynical, cerebral concoction that remains an acquired taste.

But few months ago, someone called me ditzy. I almost took it as a compliment. Not because I have aspirations to be a ditz, but because I'm capable of surprising myself.

Now I will admit that the following recent incidences aren't exactly intellectual cornerstones in my life:

1. Jumping up and down, giggling, and clapping my hands at a party when a bunch of friends showed up
2. Squealing at a Sex and the City movie commercial
3. Routinely checking for cute panty bargains online when I'm piss poor

HOWEVER! I will say that it's even more stupid to suppress a part of your personality just because of some inaccurate, negative connotation. Girlish boys should be girly, boyish girls should be boyish. And people in between should be in between.

If you try to get someone to contradict their psyche, then the result can be forced, awkward, and incongruous.