Thursday, September 13, 2007

Observations

  • I have to say that sometimes it feels really gratifying to just wear boyish clothes and give a big "Fuck you!" to the standards of femininity. But I'm not trying to say "Fuck you!" to anyone, really. I'm just trying to do what I feel like doing and not worry about what other people think. I want to be my three-dimensional self.
  • It's interesting to notice how people in public react to me when I dress like a 15 year-old boy. I usually get looks of judgement. At least that's how I interpret it. I guess that's to be expected.
  • I've been feeling very BI-sexual lately. Usually I feel just gay or straight. But now, I feel more open to whatever life has in store for me. Although I must say that if I involve myself with a guy next, he needs to be different from the guys I've been with in the past. I tend to basically fall for the same type of guy (white, goatee, overly intellectual, cynical, darkly funny) and have the same type of problems (we don't have enough fun together in spite of our mental connection).
  • I think I'm pretty much built for monogamy. When I'm into someone, I don't notice anyone else; however, when I'm not into anyone, then I have the attitude of someone who wants to check off different sorts of experiences from this list that I keep in my head. I guess in that respect I do fulfill the "dirty, indecisive bisexual" stereotype.
  • In college, some of my roommates used to make fun of me for making these unexpected "gay man gestures." It sorta became a joke. But sometimes, I'll be talking to someone, and then I'll notice my hand doing this weird thing, and in my head I'm like, "WTF?"
  • Sometimes I wonder how obviously gay I am. Even if I'm presenting myself in a feminine way, I feel like my voice and mannerisms give me away. But then, if someone asks me if I have a boyfriend, my internal monologue will be like, "Guh?" I'm overthinking it.

5 comments:

Des said...

- I do gay man gestures all the time too and yes, my friends notice and make fun of me also. I don't even realize I'm doing it most of the time.

- I always wonder if people think I'm gay too... I'm not overtly feminine but definitely not manly either. I can always tell by the way they make eye contact though or maybe I'm paranoid, who knows!

ShaneMo said...

Yah, I really don't understand why I'd make gay man gestures...since I'm NOT one. I think a part of it for me is that I have, uh, really flexible fingers, hah. But still, it's strange.

I tried to explain this to my ex bf, and he was like, "Well gay men are typically effeminate, and you're a girl, so that makes sense."

Except girls don't gesture like that.

Des said...

"really flexible fingers" - lol

The only thing I can think of is that I do hang out with quite a few gay men so maybe they're rubbing off on me. idk..

perfectcrazy said...

I too sometimes dress boyish and I do not look like a guy, but I still get "the look" from people. I dress according to my mood and I am to the point now that I don't care who judges me for it.

ShaneMo said...

perfectcrazy-good for you.

Yeah, I've never been confused for a guy. That'd be weird if that happened to me. I'd have no idea what I'd say.