I'm sort of contradicting myself compared to the previous post. I pretty much broke all the rules I set for myself. I told myself I wouldn't pursue anything involving emotions with a guy until I evened things out and got some more experiences with girls. I also realized that I tend to fall for the same type of guy and have the same type of problems with them.
But after the depression and rage I feel after experiencing this brand of pain, I guess I sort of threw this rule out the window. In the past few days I've hung out with two guys. The contexts weren't entirely platonic, but it was too soon to get any non-platonic physical contact from either one of them.
One ("Sean") is bi, friendly, silly, and somehow manages to be butch and flamboyant at the same time. I can't say I find him physically attractive (he sports the teddy bear figure), but I feel emotionally comfortable around him, and we can talk about boys and girls together. He's very huggable, and we're planning to have a platonic cuddle buddy session at some point in the near future.
The other guy ("Seth") is tall, straight, athletic, brilliant, sweet. We had a traditional "date" in which he offered to pay for dinner (I didn't let him), and then he asked me if I wanted to see a movie with him for another date. The whole thing made me feel like 1) a girl 2) a straight girl. If things keep going like this, I should be putting out on the third date.
I really like Seth, and I find him very attractive. We seem to connect and click so far. But I'm afraid he's just another one of the types I fall for; he even has the same NAME as my ex (which is still confusing). But he doesn't seem as grouchy, so I'm going to try to stop pre-judging him.
But the truth is that if a girl I really liked came along, I'd probably pursue her. I clearly want a girlfriend, but I get tired of girls constantly disappointing me. And it hurts so much more (compared to boys) when they do. I feel so resistant when it comes to committing to a guy, but I always seem to have an easier time with them.
I feel like a bad person for saying all this. I don't want to "take what I can get" or lead anyone on. I'd like to be able to say that I'm looking for the same qualities in a man as I am in a women and that it's all the same to me, but...it doesn't feel that way right now.
I also feel guilty for being so susceptible to male flattery, even if we do click. And if we continue to see each other, I refuse to be the type of bisexual who just identifies as straight because I'm seeing a guy.
Being bi is such a pain in the ass. I know I'm overthinking it all. I won't feel as indecisive if I ever get to see Seth without his clothes on.
But after the depression and rage I feel after experiencing this brand of pain, I guess I sort of threw this rule out the window. In the past few days I've hung out with two guys. The contexts weren't entirely platonic, but it was too soon to get any non-platonic physical contact from either one of them.
One ("Sean") is bi, friendly, silly, and somehow manages to be butch and flamboyant at the same time. I can't say I find him physically attractive (he sports the teddy bear figure), but I feel emotionally comfortable around him, and we can talk about boys and girls together. He's very huggable, and we're planning to have a platonic cuddle buddy session at some point in the near future.
The other guy ("Seth") is tall, straight, athletic, brilliant, sweet. We had a traditional "date" in which he offered to pay for dinner (I didn't let him), and then he asked me if I wanted to see a movie with him for another date. The whole thing made me feel like 1) a girl 2) a straight girl. If things keep going like this, I should be putting out on the third date.
I really like Seth, and I find him very attractive. We seem to connect and click so far. But I'm afraid he's just another one of the types I fall for; he even has the same NAME as my ex (which is still confusing). But he doesn't seem as grouchy, so I'm going to try to stop pre-judging him.
But the truth is that if a girl I really liked came along, I'd probably pursue her. I clearly want a girlfriend, but I get tired of girls constantly disappointing me. And it hurts so much more (compared to boys) when they do. I feel so resistant when it comes to committing to a guy, but I always seem to have an easier time with them.
I feel like a bad person for saying all this. I don't want to "take what I can get" or lead anyone on. I'd like to be able to say that I'm looking for the same qualities in a man as I am in a women and that it's all the same to me, but...it doesn't feel that way right now.
I also feel guilty for being so susceptible to male flattery, even if we do click. And if we continue to see each other, I refuse to be the type of bisexual who just identifies as straight because I'm seeing a guy.
Being bi is such a pain in the ass. I know I'm overthinking it all. I won't feel as indecisive if I ever get to see Seth without his clothes on.
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