Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Notice

Posting will resume on Sunday.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Haven't Run Out Yet

"Where's my bling?"-Elka, pretending to demand gifts on her birthday podcast

"C'mon we gotta get t his podcast done so I can go outside and ride my unicorn."-KC, mocking Christians who use silly language

"I think he likes me...BLARGH!"-Elka, imitating the scene in which Jenny buys Sounder

"Your mom wears boys' panties! Your mom wears boy's panties!"-KC, predicting what Shay's schoolmates will say to him

"It's a total botanical dildo."-Elka, referring to the shape of a bush in Dana's happy place

"My dream shot of Bette is, she's like, "Fuck you Tina. Take you and your skanky ass baby and go down to het town."-KC, communicating how many probably felt during season 3

KC: You bought Slim Jims...you skanky..I can't believe you brought those into my house!
Elka: They weren't' Slim Jims; they were an off brand.
KC: Okay, that's even worse.

"Let me put my chocolate poplar into your white sugar baby."-Elka being dirty with her and KC's coincidentally perverted porn names

Friday, October 26, 2007

"He didn't love me. Not really anyway. He was just trying to get something that he didn't have."

During high school and college, I always confused attraction with admiration/jealousy. I couldn't tell if I liked a girl because I wanted her or if I wanted to be more like her. It was confusing, and sometimes I'll still get mixed up. But now I pretty much just classify crushes as sexual or non-sexual.

The following is from a very amusing and Seinfeld-like series of conversations about my friend "Amanda" having a non-sexual "crush" on a classmate named "Nancy." Nancy is beautiful and popular, of course. Amanda is completely straight, but she still gets excited at receiving approval from Nancy and feels jealous and competitive when Nancy gives her "affections" to other girls (bear in mind, these people are in graduate school).

MouseGirl: quick love life update
ShaneMo: yes?
MouseGirl: orgasmic moment: yesterday, i looked hideous
MouseGirl: BUT i ran into my female crush, and ....
MouseGirl: SHE ASKED ME OUT!!!!
ShaneMo: HAHAHAHAHA
ShaneMo: i thought this was going to be about YOUR BOYFRIEND
MouseGirl: oh lol
ShaneMo: you said LOVE LIFE
MouseGirl: err.
ShaneMo: i love you
MouseGirl: :-)
ShaneMo: you're making it sound like a DATE
MouseGirl: lol well....
ShaneMo: this is like george and the mimbo!!
MouseGirl: i knowwwwwwww
ShaneMo: hahahaha
MouseGirl: her boyfriend will be there
ShaneMo: uh oh, don't get jealous
MouseGirl: naw its a guy
MouseGirl: i would be jealous if she asked another woman out
ShaneMo: LOL competition!
MouseGirl: AND she asked me to be secretary of her club
ShaneMo: yr going to be her right hand!
MouseGirl: i spent 25 minutes trying to formulate a reply email
ShaneMo: awww
MouseGirl: that didn't sound too needy or eager, but appropriately (and
heterosexually) enthusiastic
ShaneMo: hahaha
MouseGirl: she was like "we wanted you to be secretary because you're so cute and positive and upbeat!"
MouseGirl: "you're always smiling when i see you!"
ShaneMo: your ego must have been through the roof
MouseGirl: (duh...im smiling because i see her!)
ShaneMo: yeah, yr smiling b/c yr infatuated w/ her
MouseGirl: lol tru, thats why the moment was orgasmic

But alas...trouble in paradise is inevitable:

MouseGirl: someone irritating is attempting to usurp nancy's affections
ShaneMo: HAHAH
MouseGirl:
i need to squelch her
ShaneMo:
so what's your competition's name?
MouseGirl:
kate
ShaneMo: do tell more
MouseGirl:
i hate her!
ShaneMo:
hahah
MouseGirl:
she wasnt even going to be ON our club's board but nancy had to ask her b/c kate's dad is the faculty sponser
ShaneMo:
ohhh! politics
MouseGirl: i talked to her friday and she was like "whats that girls name?"
MouseGirl: and i was like "HER NAME IS NANCY."
ShaneMo:
LOL...protective are we?
MouseGirl: and NOW the bitch is like best friends with nancy
ShaneMo: nancy doesn't seem like she has high standards for friendship
ShaneMo: she seems like a generally nice people person
ShaneMo: ohhh now SHE'S the right hand
MouseGirl: yes she is very friendly
MouseGirlnot yet, the bitch is going down
ShaneMo:
hahaha
ShaneMo: i love you
MouseGirl: i dont care how much money her daddy gave
ShaneMo: i'm sorry babe
ShaneMo: you'll kick her ass
MouseGirl: AND
MouseGirl: kate she thinks she looks like me!
ShaneMo: HAHAHAH
MouseGirl: shes been telling people that!
ShaneMo that's so seinfeldian!!
MouseGirl: i KNOW
MouseGirl: but her nose is bigger than mine
ShaneMo: hahaha
ShaneMo:
you've got bigger boobs tho i'm sure
MouseGirl: oh ive kicked her ass in that dept
ShaneMo:
lol, well, anyone who has bigger boobs than you would probably look like a freak
MouseGirl: lol tru
MouseGirl: BUT
MouseGirl: i know i have a small head
ShaneMo:
LOL
MouseGirl: but she has a pin head
MouseGirl: and a big body
MouseGirl: and freakishly large hands
ShaneMo: i haven't noticed...your small head
MouseGirl: KATE POINTED IT OUT
MouseGirl: she was like "you have a small head"
ShaneMo: dude you're killing me here...it hurts to laugh, my throat is going to explode
MouseGirl: "i thought my head was small until i saw yours"
MouseGirl: LOL
ShaneMo: i really haven't noticed your "small head"
MouseGirl: good
ShaneMo: furthermore, i doubt nancy critiques and compares you two on the basis of head size
ShaneMo: you're projecting your own insecurities...about your small head..onto her
MouseGirl: perhaps
MouseGirl: i do have a small head, but i think hers is smaller!
ShaneMo: LOL AMANDA
ShaneMo: you're so missing the point!
MouseGirl: lol i think i might have a new nemesis
ShaneMo: admit it, you just want to use the word "nemesis"
MouseGirl: lol maybe, but its true
ShaneMo: don't worry, you will kick her ass
ShaneMo: you're so hot
MouseGirl: well i do have better style
MouseGirl: seeing as how kate wears the same blue scrubs every single dasy
ShaneMo: you kick kate's ass in living vicariously off of nancy!
MouseGirl: basically i kick her ass in every area that counts!
MouseGirl: head size, style
MouseGirl: living vicariously
ShaneMo: LOL
ShaneMo: any other areas that count?
MouseGirl: boobs?
ShaneMo: like, oh, i dunno...personality?

I find these intense non-sexual crushes to be interesting. The conversation is very much like the episode of Seinfeld in which George has a crush on the Mimbo. He always talks about how the Mimbo is "such a cool guy," and Jerry says something like, "What is this, the eighth grade?" My friend has always gotten these crushes in which she basically just wants approval from some girl she admires. It boils down to a straightforward self-esteem issue.

Isn't there always that component to a relationship though? To try to get something that you don't have? This could apply to personality traits, looks, and even anatomy. Maybe I'm just being cynical.

Hmmmm. I'm sure I'll have more thoughts on the subject later.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Withdrawal

"I have an announcements to make!"-KC, forgetting the rules of English grammar

"I am a disciple of Carmen's butt cheeks."-Elka, giving Carmen's ass the credit it deserves

"Can I get some breast milk up in here? Now! Can I get a heated bottle? Jesus!"-KC, accurately impersonating Bette

"That sounds like a euphemism: 'I fell of the Mexican bus.'"-Elka, making an astute observation

"My favorite flower is the Butt Flower."-KC, being hilariously immature

"Don't you keep your car keys in a bowl of limes?"-Elka, making fun of Shane in episode 401

"Alice gets the shaft from everyone she dates. Except for Lisa, who she wanted the shaft from"-Elka, making a predictable but cute pun

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Fags vs Dykes

I was listening to the Kelka podcast (I believe it was 304) in which KC asserted that society and religion hate gay women more than gay men. Elka disagreed. I thought about it, and here's my take:

-I think society and religion hate sex between two men more than sex between two women.

-However, I think society and the media find the gay male stereotype (flamboyant, fashionable fag) more marketable and entertaining than the gay female stereotype (lumberjack lesbo). The L Word proves this.

-And sex between two women gets turned into an obnoxious straight male porn fantasy.

In the end, I'm not sure who has it worse.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Gay Teevee

I've been re-watching Six Feet Under. The show resonates with me on many levels. And in spite of the fact that it doesn't have girls kissing on a regular basis, it's making me forget that The L Word even exists. It's also making me feel like a bit of a perv because I find myself re-playing the scenes in which David kisses another guy. It doesn't melt my panties off, but it's like this hot mindfuck.

For some odd reason, however, I want to re-watch season 3 of The L Word. It's like one of those weird cravings pregnant women experience. Even though a lot of the episodes were infuriating, there were some good moments.

I'm also looking forward to this upcoming season of Nip/Tuck. From some spoilers I saw, there's going to be some more gay goodness.

I haven't seen any of that Tila Tequila show on MTV. I guess it's an interesting concept. But I have a feeling Tila will end up choosing a guy. I don't know enough about her to make that judgement, but it's just a prediction. It's fine if she does choose a dude, but it'd be nice to see a bisexual female not reinforce the stereotype that men take priority. But who knows. Maybe she'll end up choosing who she likes best and that person's gender will be irrelevant.

Hah, I'm bi, and I'm skeptical of another bisexual.

I like TV too much.

Friday, October 19, 2007

O Kelka, Where Art Thou?

"Zack Braff is a woman with a penis!"-KC, attempting to justify her "crush" on him by calling him feminine

"We'll take the snowboarders, and you hets can keep the figure skaters. Anyone with that type of fashion sense doesn't belong in our community."-Elka, making a good point

"Well your ass doesn't have assnails...I hope."-KC, trying to objectively compare the grossness between the ass and the toe

"I hope like nothing else for season 5 that Shane shows up with a pregnant belly."-Elka, making a hilariously ridiculous prediction

"Sexy time for Jesus!"-KC, reading a SPAM mail subject

"They have a thing for big foreheads on this show!"-Elka, making an astute observation

Kelka theorizing about the audible fart in episode 404:
KC:
You think that's a Leisha Haily actual fart?
Elka: No, I think she has a fart double.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Words vs Pictures

Sometimes I think I should keep a tab of how gay or straight I feel on each day, enter the data into Excel, and make a pretty graph of it. I clearly am a nerd, and I'm clearly letting work seep into my my non-work life.

Appropriate visuals are key to an effective presentation. I spent about 20 minutes creating this crappy diagram of high school (click image for a clearer view):



Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Stuff

  • What's with lesbians being vegetarians? Why am I more likely to be in the gay part of the city when I'm at a vegetarian/vegan restaurant? Why am I more likely to see a gay person at Whole Foods? And I don't want anyone comparing the male genitalia to meat.
  • I feel like people inaccurately interchange the labels "androgynous" and "butch." There's a difference. Androgyny is the combination of masculine and feminine features; butchness is leaning towards the exclusively masculine end of the spectrum. The former is gray; the latter is black/white.
  • I'm addicted to American Eagle's boybriefs. They're so cute and/or hot! I'm sure you needed to know this.

Monday, October 15, 2007

We Miss You Kelka

The Planet Podcast: Off Season, SammaDome

I'd say this is one of the funniest podcasts. Most of it can't be transcribed in a way that does justice to the the humor in their voices (e.g. the frog story). Here are some lame attempts though:

"She has to be a vegetarian. She has to love falafel."-Elka, imitating the sort of lesbian who chooses who she loves (as opposed to falling in love with someone spontaneously).

Kelka are discussing what KC would theoretically put on her mental checklist of a potential ideal girlfriend:
KC: This is true. I do enjoy sillyness in the voice..ness.
Elka: I dunno what else would be on your checklist
KC: That's pretty much it..silly voices.
Both: [laugh]

KC: Basically I had to give a presentation about a highly technically advanced topic to a room full of high technologically advanced people
Elka: Like robots?

Like what level of celebrity hell do you have to exist on to be like, 'I gotta find out where Webster lives.'-Elka, posing a valid question

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Duh?

A few months ago, my friend (Jane) was telling me about a male friend of hers (Jack) who is about our age and is still a virgin. I immediately wondered if he was in the closet or religious. She thought this too, and she assured me that he wasn't; he just insisted he hadn't met anyone whom he connected with. She said, "It [male virgins] happens more often than you'd think." I shrugged, agreed, and forgot about it.

A while later Jane informed me that Jack had a serious girlfriend and that he no longer was a virgin. In my head, I said, "Congratulations," and then I forgot about it.

A while later, Jane told me about a conversation with Jack that went a little something like this:

Jane: So, how's your girlfriend?
Jack: We broke up.
Jane: What?! Why?
Jack: It just wasn't working.
Jane: Well didn't you have fun during that trip you took to Europe together?
Jack: Yes, we did...
Jane: So, what was the problem? Really, you can tell me.
Jack: We just aren't..compatible..
Jane: You seemed so in love with her.
Jack: I was, but..
Jane: Was it a sex thing?
Jack: Sorta...
Jane:...
Jack: I'm gay.
Jane: Buh?

My friend reenacted the look of dumbfounded shock on her face, and it looked a little something like this.

You would think that queer people would have above average gaydar, but that's not always the case.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Greetings!

Here are some search engine keywords that have led people to my blog:

so fucking cute l world l word quotes shane mccutcheon
fuck me hard blog
gay shame blogspot
giving them blowjobs
what does kelkian mean?
l word ham wallet
hasbian talks about sex with men
jhumpa lahiri kinda hot

Looks like some horny people are finding me. And I like last one because Jhumpa Lahiri is kinda hot.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Save Me from the Binary

So I was talking to a nerdy and dorky hetero friend. She was telling me how she's been watching all the Batman movies and how she simultaneously crushes and idolizes him; in other words, she both lusts after him and wants to be him.

She then asked if it was weird that she, a straight female with an overactive imagination, always pretended to be male heroes as a kid. I told her it wasn't weird at all: male heroes generally have more fun, are stronger, and have cooler skills or powers. There aren't as many cool female heroes.

I then mentioned Xena. Yes, I enjoyed watching that show as a kid. Yes, I'm dorky, nerdy, etc. Yes, I'm totally GAY for watching a bunch of females in somewhat scantily clad outfits beat up people. (And finally, yes, I'm lame for occasionally watching it to re-live my childhood. I admit all of this, but the show had some decent writing, the courage to show lesbian subtext, and the willingness to show women be physically and psychologically strong, even it was unrealistic).

She made fun of me and said she didn't connect to Xena in part because she's too manly. I do and don't see what she means. I personally think Xena balances masculine and feminine characteristics: she has long hair, shows cleavage, and wears a skirt, but she's also ruthless, violent, and strong. Wow, a three-dimensional woman. What a concept.

Fine, whatever. Everyone has their preferences and tastes. Xena does grunt a lot, after all.

My friend then said that when she imagines herself as a male hero, she also imagines herself pursuing a female love interest. She said this weirds her out. I rolled my eyes; the poor heterosexual is a little queer, boo hoo. Yeah, I'm a bitch. But I also think that's normal because people generally see romantic interactions in a male-to-female paradigm: if Batman pursued another guy, then he'd be gay.

I find some of this to be slightly bothersome: is pretending to be a man the only way to identify with a cool superhero? And is it acceptable for a female hero to have some masculine characteristics? Furthermore, is the only way for a female to be acceptable in the butt-kicking role is if she's wearing next to nothing? I guess I'm not nerdy enough to know about all the heroes out there: I know some of the female mutants in X-Men are pretty cool.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Aw

Well now, this is an interesting story with a happy ending.

Read it!

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Bleh

  • I think my "bidar" is probably more accurate than my gaydar. I guess that makes sense.
  • So, um, I finally officially realized that I'm scared of pursuing a relationship with a girl. And I'm not particularly interested in being casual, so I guess this leaves me in half-assed heteroville? I don't want to elaborate, but admitting this is a good place to start, right?
  • On a related note, the thought of being in a committed relationship with a guy sounds sooo boring at the moment.
  • I saw a preview teaser clip for season 5 of The L Word. I can't say that I'm enticed. I think they're going to fuck this season up too.
  • I love Kate Moennig and all, but after seeing some of these pictures, I think she needs to put on some pounds. And her Michael Jackson-esque fashion is sorta odd.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Busy Busy

I love this blog, but I'm taking a break from it.

Posting will resume next week.