Observe Thyself

Part of the reason why I started this blog was so I could understand and accept myself more. I'm generally very in tune with my interior, but sometimes I miss things. And I've noticed that I still judge myself:

• I judge myself when my sexuality frequently fluctuates; I keep thinking that there's some "right" way to be bi or that I'm bi for the "wrong" reasons. Like I'm just using different people for different purposes.

• I judge myself when I feel straight now! I feel I'm some sort of "hasbien."

• I judge myself when I was to look boyish or indulge in some of my more boyish interests (e.g. films with cool martial arts scenes). And I have a complex over not being comfortable wearing white people dresses 90% of the time.
  

I need to find that place in myself that can just observe and absorb all the parts of me that I consider unacceptable. Because observation is neutral, and I need to dwell in a more neutral place.

Observe and Ask

Sometimes, I'll be wearing, say, a pink turtleneck, and I'll feel more like a genderbending "fag" than a girl.

Also, is there a difference between saying "fag" and "faggot"? I feel like "faggot" is more malicious.

More

"Greetings ffrom a Swedish dyke in Afghanistan!"-KC, reading a SPAM mail subject heading

"Well maybe we should try bellybutton fun and see what that would be like."-Elka, trying to seduce KC

"Would you quit drawing boobies on your notepad? We've got work to do!"-Elka, scolding KC

"I think it takes one year for the vagina to rejunify."-KC, an educated, professional adult, screwing up the word "rejuvenate"

"You look up Jewfro, and a picture of John Kerry comes up."-KC, conducting research on the Jewfro

"Is the baby an actor, or is she a prop?"-Elka, posing a valid question about the baby who plays Angelica

"You drink manly beer; that's all I'm saying."-KC, presenting evidence to prove Elka's level of gayness

Confuse Thyself

This post is sort of a commentary on the previous post: my friend keeps suggesting that I find a sweet, pleasing guy. In the past, men who can impress me with their insight, ambition, slight egomania, and involuntary use of big words have made me weak in the knees. If they don't challenge my brain and way of life, then I'm not interested.

I don't look for these qualities in females. In females, I want more emotional comfort, companionship, and equality. Conversely, if a guy is too sweet or too emotional, then my interest decreases.

I look for males with traits that are similar to mine except amplified. I like them to be brilliant and dominating. And then I discover that I'm dating a grouchier and controlling version of myself and get turned off.

I have lower intellectual standards for females. I don't want them to be airheads, but I don't want them to be like me: the types who analyze everything so much that they want to staple their forehead (this would be a Brenda Chenowith reference to those who've watched the greatness that is Six Feet Under).

So I see females as interactive escapes, and I see males as introspective explorations. I look for guys who are too similar to me and girls who aren't as similar to me? Odd.

I've unintentionally partitioned my attractions to different people! I've expected males to be more intellectually fulfilling and females to be more emotionally fulfilling. Why is this? Because these are the stereotypical roles that males and females are supposed to play? Females can be intellectual and males can be emotional. I know this, and I've experienced it, but I don't act accordingly.

Why the fuck am I so irritatingly confusing?

I clearly need to re-evaluate my paradigms here.

Hah, and I was reading a recent e-mail from an ex and feeling annoyed at all the unnecessary big words he was using.

Yay for new perspectives! Boo for eternal confusion!

Switch!

I heart my best friends:
blueyedju: the other night i menstruated all over my bf's clean white sheets, and he insisted that i go back to sleep while he got a spray bottle and cleaned it up
ShaneMo: jesus
blueyedju: my point is that i strongly suggest getting into a relationship with a sweet sub boy who adores you
blueyedju: they're so much more fun than the tight-assed old dom men i used to like
ShaneMo: i have a weakness for tight ass dom men
ShaneMo: but i have been rethinking it
blueyedju: me too. but they're grouchy and a lot of work
ShaneMo: yes! very grouchy!
blueyedju: here is the difference between an old dom man and a sweet sub boy:
blueyedju: a sweet sub boy likes to please you for the sake of pleasing you
blueyedju: and he likes to excel at it and like...set your mind at ease, very "don't even mention it"
blueyedju: they get uncomfortable when you even say thank you
ShaneMo: hot damn
blueyedju: a grouchy old dom man likes to "please" you as part of his fucked-up power trip
blueyedju: "huhhhhh, look at me, i made you come. i am so powerful."
blueyedju: i'm like..WHATEVER. I COME WHEN I WALK UP STAIRS IN TIGHT PANTS.
ShaneMo: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
blueyedju: THIS DOES NOT MAKE YOU SPECIAL.
ShaneMo: do you really?
blueyedju: ...sometimes
ShaneMo: my god
blueyedju: :D
ShaneMo: you are something else
ShaneMo: or maybe i am
blueyedju: my genitals are, anyway
blueyedju: nah, i'm definitely abnormal in this regard
ShaneMo: sweet sub boy sweet sub boy
blueyedju: i mean, i ain't gonna lie, my bf is one in a million
blueyedju: it's really his nature
ShaneMo: uh, yeah
ShaneMo: he asked you to fuck him w/ a strap on
ShaneMo: i'm sure that happens more often than ppl think, but still
blueyedju: but if you can find someone who's naturally so sweet and gentle and really enjoys pleasing others (cause if it is a natural, non-creepy thing for him, it won't be just you) fucking go for it
blueyedju: it's so much more fulfilling and pleasant and deep in a way. it makes you feel less weird about being a hardcore feminist in a ltr with a guy
ShaneMo: i had a casual thing w/ a guy like that. gave great oral sex
blueyedju: hahaha +
ShaneMo: but i got bored
blueyedju: well, boring people are...boring
blueyedju: and if you don't have chemistry you just don't
ShaneMo: he'd...buy me my favorite foods and keep a stock of it at his place
blueyedju: and all the great carpetmunching in the world won't change that
blueyedju: aw!
blueyedju: now come on, that's awesome
ShaneMo: hah, why do all our convos end up being about subbing and domming?

Ugh

Last night I had a dream in which I had bad sex with two different girls in one weekend. WTF? Why would my subconscious do that to me? It clearly has a BDSM fetish.

"I Can Go With the Flow...Chart"

• I've noticed that I've pretty much convinced myself that I can't really be good friends with a guy. It's based on my experiences: most of my friends are girls, and I tend to feel more comfortable with girls. Furthermore, I've usually had ulterior motives with the males I've befriended, and we usually ended up getting sexual too quickly and consequently preventing a friendship from developing. Maybe I shouldn't completely close myself to the possibility that males can be fun, close friends.

• Also, I've noticed that I've had HORRIBLE first impressions of some of my current close female friends. And somehow we end up going through periods where we're attached to the hip. With males, the connections are usually immediate, and then things move too fast and evaporate shortly thereafter.

• When a girl disappoints me, it usually hits me harder than when a boy does. A friend suggested that maybe it's because girls have higher expectations to be understood by other girls, whether it be platonic or romantically.

• I was listening to the Kelka podcast in which Elka articulates her attraction to androgyny: "I like girls that look like boys, boys that look like girls, and girls that look like girls." I was thinking that I'm similar except that I also like boys that look like boys. I certainly have types, but I appreciate different types of beauty. I think, as time goes on, I'm going to discover that I'm just the eternal switch. God, adolescent repression sucks; it's blowing up in my face now.
  

News "Update"

I have nothing gay to say today.

Except that I want to be a monosexual.

Random

"There are two kinds of people in this word: the kind who pee while they're on the phone and the kind who don't."-Elka, disseminating wisdom

"Helena and airport come back to LA."-KC, not paying attention to what she's saying

"Next week they'll all be wearing burkas and making meaningful eye contact."-Elka, bitching about the lack of fucking and nakedness in season 4

"Hello pile of dog shit, so glad to see you."-Elka, doing her own take on a Manny impersonation

"We're allowed to talk about what do you think Jenny thought of the fake bag o' weenies."-KC, stating her freedom of speech

"You know you've had a good life if you say, 'I made a promise to myself to stop sleeping with married women.'"-KC, re: Helena

"Is that a nipple or a seashell?"-KC, discussing a potential crappy sex scene on the show

I Am What I Am

I ought to Kelka quote to maintain a balance of humor and seriousness. Perhaps tomorrow.

I was hanging out with one of my best friends, and we had a conversation that went something like this:

Me: I'm getting lovehandles; I need to work out more regulary.
Her: You do not have lovehandles.
Me: I do! I'll show you.
Her: Oh for fuck's sake
Me: Yes?
Her: You look like a fertile woman who, if she so chose, could have a child.
Me: ...[in my head] FERTILE?! [whining, out loud] But it's not me.
Her: It is you. You are a woman. Accept it. Stop insisting on being a girl-child.
Me: [rolls eyes] Fine. Yes ma'am.

Woman?! I'm not a woman! That makes me sound like I'm an adult, and I'm not one yet. I'm not a man, girl, boy , or anything. I'm a person! And I'm a person who would rather not be fertile.

But she had a point: I do sort of insist on being a "girl-child." Aside from getting laid, I don't really want my body to look reproductive. That's gross. When I think of what a "woman" is, I get mental images of...boring things that I usually don't like to do. So maybe I'm applying a limited definition to the idea and therefore excluding myself from the possibility of being a woman.

Like I feel weird when people at stores or restaurants call me "Ma'am." It's just standard procedure for them, but to me it feels like an inaccurate label (and it's weird when someone older then me says it to me).

Blah.

Note: From now on "Blah" shall be my new word denoting a contradictory combination of Zen detachment and sheer aggravation that I can't or do not wish to articulate.

Give Me Sarcasm As a Coping Mechanism. Flash.

YAAAY for gay bashing! And women aren't immune to getting beaten up. How's that for equal treatment of the sexes? A lot of people who read my blog probably read Slo and Green's blog, but I figured I'd post a link anyways.

Lately, a lot of morbid things have been happening to people I directly or indirectly know. Oh, you know, the usual: people my age getting run over by trains. People my age dying of leukemia. People my age feeling little to no faith in humanity.

And this might seem small in comparison, but I do have that hippyish animal lover in me:

• I'm being assaulted with dreams of my dead cat. Gay girls are supposedly cat lovers after all.

• I produced my first bit of roadkill today: I killed a squirrel. I happen to love squirrels in spite of the fact that they don't seem to look both ways before crossing the street. And the little fucker ran right into my wheel form the side. I didn't react quickly enough, and I'm not sure what I could have done. I felt the car bump a bit, and I looked in my rear view mirror to see it convulsing and bleeding onto the road. I felt sick to my stomach.

No, I'm not going to turn into one of those paranoid people who lives in fear all the time. But forget about God, karma, and all those other beliefs that some people promptly throw out the window when bad shit happens. I'm not sure I believe in safety. All I can do is have some faith in myself and my ability to deal.

Observations

• I have to say that sometimes it feels really gratifying to just wear boyish clothes and give a big "Fuck you!" to the standards of femininity. But I'm not trying to say "Fuck you!" to anyone, really. I'm just trying to do what I feel like doing and not worry about what other people think. I want to be my three-dimensional self.
  

• It's interesting to notice how people in public react to me when I dress like a 15 year-old boy. I usually get looks of judgement. At least that's how I interpret it. I guess that's to be expected.

• I've been feeling very BI-sexual lately. Usually I feel just gay or straight. But now, I feel more open to whatever life has in store for me. Although I must say that if I involve myself with a guy next, he needs to be different from the guys I've been with in the past. I tend to basically fall for the same type of guy (white, goatee, overly intellectual, cynical, darkly funny) and have the same type of problems (we don't have enough fun together in spite of our mental connection).

• I think I'm pretty much built for monogamy. When I'm into someone, I don't notice anyone else; however, when I'm not into anyone, then I have the attitude of someone who wants to check off different sorts of experiences from this list that I keep in my head. I guess in that respect I do fulfill the "dirty, indecisive bisexual" stereotype.

• In college, some of my roommates used to make fun of me for making these unexpected "gay man gestures." It sorta became a joke. But sometimes, I'll be talking to someone, and then I'll notice my hand doing this weird thing, and in my head I'm like, "WTF?"

• Sometimes I wonder how obviously gay I am. Even if I'm presenting myself in a feminine way, I feel like my voice and mannerisms give me away. But then, if someone asks me if I have a boyfriend, my internal monologue will be like, "Guh?" I'm overthinking it.
  

Offensive

fbaddict: im talking to this transwoman right now
fbaddict: i met her at pride...and she is OBSESSED with bdsm
ShaneMo: what is she? domme, sub, switch?
fbaddict: sub.. she was wearing a leash and collar
ShaneMo: way to advertise it
fbaddict: lol well thats what happens at pride
ShaneMo: true, everyone's inner freak comes out
ShaneMo: what has she been telling you?
fbaddict: i dunno, i kind of tune out when i'm bored. lol
ShaneMo: haha, she's like, "I love to deepthroat"
ShaneMo: and you're like "yawn, brian from queer as folk is hot"
fbaddict: LOL well shes a lesbian
fbaddict: oh god...she's is now telling me how shes going naked at pride once she gets her new body, and shes trying to persuade me to go naked at pride too. i told her i refuse to even be around naked people
ShaneMo: lol
fbaddict: is a transwoman's vagina really ugly?
fbaddict: like does it look like a normal vagina, or it all...disfigured?
ShaneMo: why are you asking me as if i'd know??
fbaddict: LOL i dont know
fbaddict: i guess im just scared to see it
fbaddict: so im not going to be around her next pride
ShaneMo: haha good thinking
ShaneMo: jesus you asked me that question as if i had an answer
fbaddict: i dunno, i thought you knew lol
ShaneMo: yes, i am an expert on surgically created vaginas
fbaddict: haha
ShaneMo: if a bigoted breeder asked me that, i'd probably be all holier than thou
ShaneMo: like, "how dare you imply that post-op transsexuals have ugly genitalia?"
fbaddict: LOL

Gotta Put It Behind You

The Planet Podcast, Episode 304: Light my Fire

Kelka go off on another tangent, and they end up, once again, discussing Carmen's spectacular ass:

KC: If Carmen walks by, and you don't look at her ass, then you're a gay man.
Elka: Even gay men look at Carmen's ass. Here we go again, Carmen's ass. We should just change this to "The Carmen's Ass Podcast" cus that's all we care about.
KC: [giggling] Well, it's not like we could really talk about it...
Elka: I don't care about plot; I don't care about character; I just care about Carmen's luscious cheeks.
KC: I would change the show to that, but, I mean, what else could you say? You could just sit here for an hour and be like, "Uhh! It's a nice ass! Like you can't just keep saying that, but it just enters your mind...
Elka: But we do!
KC: ...whenever you think of Shane, or Carmen, or anything related to the butt, it's Carmen's ass, so it's hard not to bring it up...to my mouth to kiss.
Elka: [sarcastic] Yeah, that was really awkward the other night with my parents at dinner when you started talking about Carmen's ass...
KC: [laughs]
Elka: ...and then my mom was like, "Oh, I know what you're talking about."

Aw, to imagine Elka's adorable mother earnestly discussing Carmen's ass is sort of...cute...and disturbing.

XX + XX

After the my not-so traditional previous post, I figured I'd keep things simple and address straightforward girl-on-girl attraction:

• Leisha Hailey looks yummy on this magazine cover. Not only is she the hottest lesbian in Hollywood, but she's probably the coolest.

• I saw Kissing Jessica Stein. It was cute and somewhat realistic. I identified with how two girls who seem like very different people ended up merging. There were some funny moments. I was skeptical when Jessica's sort of traditional Jewish mother was so accepting of her being in a lesbian relationship, but it's not unrealistic or impossible. It was interesting to see the lines between platonic and romantic love get blurred.

• Jodie Foster is looking kinda hot in her new movie The Brave One. The tank top. The boyish hair. The toned arms. She's lookin' good for her age.

Queer. As. FUCK

Disclaimer: The following conversation is between two sexually fluid female friends who have known each other for a long time. It is sexually explicit, and it openly discusses very kinky sex acts that some might find unsettling. It is, however, very interesting and very queer. And it cracked my shit up.

Me: what kind of kinky sex did you have?
Friend: pegging :D
Me: k i'm gonna hafta google that
Friend: uh
Friend: where i do him w a strap-on
Me: OMG WOW
Friend: :D :D :D
Friend: it is fun
Me: DAYM
Friend: he asked for it!
Me: HAHAHAHA
Friend: also he luuuuuvs it
Friend: <-- so lucky Me: you two are really good for each other
Friend: i think so
Me: so who owns the strap-on?
Friend: we kind of both do
Me: LOL
Friend: the harness and the double dildo were expensive
Me: "the strap-on is in our name"
Friend: so we split it right down the middle
Friend: exactly
Friend: if we were to break up, i don't know
Friend: i'd probably get rid of 'em
Friend: strap-on custody battle
Me: HAHAHAHA
Friend: we also got this vibrating...thing
Friend: which he likes a lot
Friend: he insists he thinks he can come just from having something stimulate his prostate enough, which i believe, but it's also like...
Friend: HURRY UP ALREADY
Friend: i'm not what you'd call a patient lover i guess
Me: LOL
Me: so did he come?
Friend: well i've jerked him off the times we've done it
Friend: he totally turns into this whimpering little boy, eyes all rolling up in his head
Friend: making crazy noises
Me: christ, i'm so happy for your sex life
Friend: lol, thank you. me too
Me: and he dresses like a total DORK
Friend: lol
Me: hahahahah
Friend: he actually wore a shirt with a collar last night
Friend: when he takes a minute and puts on something suitable for his age range
Friend: damn, it's a treat
Me: so were you facing him?
Friend: yeah, i had done it doggy-style before but with the shape of the head of the dildo he says missionary is better for his prostate
Friend: also it is hot
Me: lol, wow
Friend: also i can jerk him off like that
Friend: i highly recommend it
Friend: i've never even done that w a girl!
Me: HAHAHA
Friend: (and now i sort of want to)
Friend: (shhh don't tell :P)
Me: hahahahahaha
Me: oh please, i already knew that
Friend: i know, i was kidding
Friend: what are you up to tomorrow?
Me: blah, reading
Friend: yeah, if you want to come over and study (or i could come there) i'd be down
Friend: i have so much shit to do
Friend: you're good for keeping me motivated
Friend: when i get all overwhelmed and self-pitying you're all like "oh shut the fuck up"
Me: i am? i try to be nice
Friend: yeah but your demeanor is very "oh shut the fuck up."
Me: i don't know how to hide the "oh stfu" demeanor
Me: i've started wondering what it'd be like to date maybe a bi gi whose a bit femmy
Me: and we could just be QUEER as fuck together
Me: ugh, my spelling. wtf. bi guy
Friend: bi gi is cute :-).. it looks korean
Me: haha
Friend: you should look for one! they're fun
Friend: but they tend to be really self-absorbed and vain too
Me: if they're pretty, i can tolerate the vanity
Me: i'd probably encourage it
Me: i'm planning to taste a bit of everything this year
Friend: ha, good girl
Me: you should do a threesome w/ another guy
Friend: i don't know if i could deal with that
Friend: the first time i fucked his butt i got slightly worried, like, "does this mean you're maybe sort of gay"
Me: LOL
Friend: but i know he digs my vag. and it's nice, bc it gives me a vag vacation
Me: hahahaha
Me: um, hello, you're a little gay
Me: your bf is just queer. i was thinking that when you said he likes my voice
Friend: i know, i know it is not fair to be worried about him being gay except that i am possessive like that
Friend: he has to only like ME.
Friend: shrug
Friend: yeah he is totally queer, very much outside of traditional dichotomies
Friend: he says "it's so weird that you're the girl and i'm the boy" and i'm like hm ok yeah
Friend: but it's sort of true, compared to him i'm very practical and unimaginative and earthy
Me: hahaha
Friend: ...and i often tell him to get me a beer
Friend: oh man
Me: LOL
Friend: i should start calling him marge
Me: hahaha
Me: hah, i was talking about the idea of just being into one person with someone else
Me: i've been that way. one person-sexual
Me: ahhh, pretty queer boys
Me: it's on my to do list

I heart my friends.

Coincidence?

So I ended up coincidentally (sort of) running into my good friend (whom I'll call Jane) on the train. As we chatted, I told her about this lesbian acquaintance who told me about her one night stand. I told Jane how I don't think I'm "gay enough" to have a one night stand with a woman. I've never had a one night stand with a man, and I don't plan to, but I think men are usually easier to objectify sexually. Maybe it's because they generally have less of a problem with that than women do. And maybe because, gasp, I want to have feelings for a girl first.

Anyways, Jane has known me since I was 12. She thinks I'm super repressed because I'd always furtively admit some crush on a girl to her in high school. So she's always trying to get me to keep my mind open to that possibility that my gayness percentage is higher than I think it is; she wants me to reach my "gayest potential." She has good intentions, but I think our views of sexuality ultimately differ, so we end up misunderstanding each other.

So she was like, "Well, you might be that gay." And JUST as I was about to tell her that I disagree, she pointed to some guy several rows ahead of us. He was reading a newspaper, and on it you could see the words from some political cartoon. Large and clear, the words were, "I'M NOT GAY!"

It was uncanny.

TV Talk

I used to be so hooked to "The L Word," even when the show started to disappoint. Now I realize that I sorta forgot about it, and I'm only looking forward to season 5 for new Kelka podcasts. Maybe that's because I've found other TV shows that are so much better (some of which do a much better job of dealing with gay issues). Or maybe the show has only survived because 1) it created such a strong loyalty after the awesomeness of the first two seasons and 2) there aren't a lot of shows with lesbians (although this is changing).

I watched a few random clips on youtube yesterday, and I had some thoughts:

• It's such a cliche now, but I forgot how hot Shane is! How could I forget? Her voice, hair, clothes, demeanor...she's the hottest woman on the planet.
• California University of New Technology? They HAD to have made the acronym for Bette's workplace "CUNT" on purpose.
  
• I miss Alice and Bette. You know you're too into TV when you actually miss characters in the off season.
• My tolerance for watching Daniela Sea "act" is decreasing. She should just model because all she is is nice to look at.
• In spite of the fact that I complain about how the show doesn't represent bisexuals positively, I really do not want to see Alice in a relationship with a man. I mean, she's played by one of the cutest lesbians ever. I think Helena would be a more convincing bisexual.
• On a related note, the show seems to like to play opposites with sexuality. Like Alexandria Hedison and Leisha Hailey are gay in real life, but on the show they're a bit straight.
  
• I want to see Shane, Alice, and Bette in wifebeaters in season 5. And I want Bette back in power suits. Hot hot hot.
• Bette should get some sort of revenge on Franklin (the boss at the CAC who fired her while her father was dying) in season 5. Seriously, her losing her job was a major factor in her break up with Tina.
• Erin Daniels should be in most episodes of season 5.
  
• I sort of just want a fairytale happy ending in season 5: Sharmen should get back together, and they should adopt Shay. Hopefully Carmen's bitchiness factor would decrease. TiBette would work it out. Tasha and Alice would live happily ever after (and be super hot I might add). Dylan should come back to Helena, admit her gayness, apologize, and beg Helena to be with her forever. Max should get top surgery, be happy with it, and settle down with Grace. As for Jenny..I don't give a fuck what happens to the bitch. I will say that I always wanted her and Marina to work it out, but I doubt that'll happen.

Analyze, Analyze, Analyze

Can you tell that deviations from binary sexual orientations fascinate me?

fbaddict: oh so i was thinking about the whole, emotional attraction thing
fbaddict: to girls
fbaddict: and how it's predominantly girls
fbaddict: and anyway, so i was thinking about it, and like so much of it i just want to be physically close to them, like not sexually but just hold them, cause they are really soft. unlike guys. just the way they are built, their arms and everything are really soft. and anyway
fbaddict: that has got to be based on some deep psychological shit
fbaddict: so i think maybe its cause when i was a baby, my mom didnt hold me or something
fbaddict: that kind of makes sense?
ShaneMo: yeah, i understand
fbaddict: cause i dont feel the same way about guys
ShaneMo: i knew we'd eventually talk about something like this
fbaddict: lol
ShaneMo: what's your relationship w/ your mom like?
fbaddict:well im not close to either of my parents
fbaddict: and i dont remember if i was actually close to her when i was a baby, obviously
fbaddict: but like, thats the only thing i can think of that makes sense
fbaddict: i think my natural sexual orientation would have been hetero
ShaneMo: hm, okay
fbaddict: but that does make sense though, right?
ShaneMo: no i get what you're saying
fbaddict: hmmm
ShaneMo: it's possible and worth exploring
fbaddict: but how would u ever know
ShaneMo: but try to stay objective
ShaneMo:"mom, on a scale of 1-10, did you hold me enough when i was a baby?"
fbaddict: hahahahahaha
fbaddict: but whats bothering me is that it is particularly their softness that i am attracted to
ShaneMo: well, softness is nice
fbaddict: but like, ive never looked at a guy and wanted to hold him
ShaneMo: hm, what feelings have you felt for guys?
ShaneMo: well im more sexually attracted to guys
fbaddict: but i dont want to be physically close to them for the same reason as i do with the girls i've liked
ShaneMo: do you like cuddling w/ guys?
fbaddict: for the comfort sometimes yea
fbaddict: ive never cuddled with a girl i like that way so i dont even know how thats like
ShaneMo: my guess is you'll like it a lot
fbaddict: probably
fbaddict: but even when i look at them, the feeling is completely different
ShaneMo: ok first off, have you ever emotionally/intellectually clicked with a guy
ShaneMo: on any level
fbaddict: hmmm
fbaddict: its hard to say
fbaddict: i dont know about emotionally
fbaddict: intellectually yeah
ShaneMo: yeah, hmm
ShaneMo:well, girls are easier to connect with
ShaneMo: but that's just my opinion

I myself have wondered if parental dysfunction had anything to do with my liking girls. While I do think it's a breeder misconception that people are gay due to dysfunction, all people, gay or straight, bring varying degrees of family baggage to relationships. Sometimes it's acute and manageable, and sometimes it's not.

But, let's say, theoretically, I had a shitty relationship with my father/he or some man sexually abused me. Couldn't my behavior go in many directions? I could be a lesbian because men and their vicious dicks scare me. I could repress my sexuality altogether because sex scares me. I could try to seek out nice guys (consciously and/or subconsciously). I could try to seek out mean guys because it's all I know (consciously and/or subconsciously).

There are so many different factors that I don't think generalizations can really explain such a complex part of one's identity.

Hah, I say this about everything now. Is that what it means to become an adult? To realize that nothing is simple and that there are no answers?

The Truth Comes Out

Girls can be so emotionally draining. Boys can be too, but not as much for me. Thank the deity that I don't believe in that Kelka exists to renew my ability to laugh about all things queer.

The Planet Podcast: Episode 404: Layup

Elka teases KC because she's so gay that she can't tell the difference between two hot guys: Ewan McGregor and Jude Law. But then Elka goes on to tease KC for an unexpected crush:

Elka: Ewan McGregor and Jude Law are two different people, KC!
KC: They're the same people to me.
Elka: It's two different guys!
KC: I, seriously, if they're standing right next to each other, I have no idea who is who.
Elka: It's cus you don't look at boys.
KC: No, I think they're both good-looking.
Elka: Ew! I think Jude Law looks like Ryan Seacrest.
KC: Well, Ryan Seacrest is cute, except for he's 4 feet tall
Elka: KC luuvs Ryan Seacrest.
KC: I DO NOT!
Elka: You do! Admit it! Admit it, you love Ryan Seacrest.
KC: No, I really don't
Elka: You like him, don't you?
KC: I think he's funny.
Elka: [teasing] You like Ryan Seacrest!
KC: I think he's good at his job, which doesn't take much, but yeah...I think he's right for that job.
Elka: You are gonna marry him.
KC: I think it's funny that he goes out with girls that are a foot taller than him, and he likes it I think that's funny..which makes him like 5'5"...I dunno...I DO like him.
Both: [laugh]

That was cute. I love how Elka noticed it before KC, and I think it's hilarious that, of all the hot men out there, a gay girl would like Ryan Seacrest. Maybe he just doesn't do it for me.

We'll Have a Gay Ol' Time

I had a pretty gay weekend:

• I finally got to see my best friend. It felt really good to see her. I got a good hug from her and her hot, scruffy boyfriend who likes to kiss boys.

• I ended up having a sort of impromptu vegan meal with three lesbians. I was referred to as a lesbian, and this made me feel included.

• I wandered around the gay part of the city; it was refreshing.

• I met this BEAUTIFUL mixed guy on the train. Half his ethnicity is mine. He was totally my type: big smile, goatee, mixed. We talked and joked, and I considered getting his contact information. But he lives far away, and uh, he's Christian. Furthermore, I need to even out my experiences between females and males, or else I'm just going to keep leading on guys until I do.