Wrong Team

"My dear, everybody should marry a homosexual at least once. It robs a pretty girl of all her sexual vanity. It is very healthy."-a character in The Autograph Man by Zadie Smith

"Every woman falls in love with a gay man; it's like a female rite of passage."-Keith, Six Feet Under

The "fag hag gone awry" or "beard" phenomenon seems to get a lot of attention. Now it has become acceptable to laugh at it (being overweight, bisexual, and having Tourette's also falls into this category). Or you could go on Oprah to share your story of not being able to detect your ex-husband's homosexuality. I can see the humor, but it's still sad.

What about other permutations of falling for someone with a different orientation? Is it a bi/gay girl's rite of passage to fall for a straight girl? Or maybe a bi/straight guy's rite of passage to fall for a lesbian? It seems like the straight woman falling for gay man story gets more attention, but does it really happen the most often?

I'd say converting a het to the gay side is the ultimate rite of passage.

I'm a Kelkaholic! I'm addicted to Kelkahol!

I'm a blog whore today. Sorta. I'm feeling full of Kelka love right now after hearing their last podcast and thinking about the idea of Kelkian party. I just feel like randomly quoting them without much explanation:

"WE NEED TO HAVE A LESBIAN INTERVENTION IN YOUR SCHOOL!"-Elka, imitating Paige

"You bitch ass bitch!"-Elka, being dorky

"You can't identify as a lesbian and fuck Bacne Man."-Elka, referring to Tina considering herself a lesbian even though she's fucking an ugly dude

"You mean you haven't seen an Elephant dick??"-KC

"STEP INTO A SLIM JIM!"-KC, mistaking the Slim Jim slogan

"Just because I have giant eyebrows doesn't mean that I'm dykey."-Elka

"You have a very concise asswipe."-KC

"I'm on birth control."-7 year old KC, talking to her Irish Catholic aunts and uncles, trying to seem mature

"If you're at a party, and some man says, "I'm not a homophobe, BUT..."-Kelka, sharing telltale signs of a homophobic prick's behavior

"Oh no. Not ovaries of stone Jenny."-Elka, referring to Jenny's assertiveness in season 3

"Dogs don't projectile vomit; that's all I'm saying."-KC, clearing up "confusion" over how dogs throw up

"Don't kick your dog!"-Elka, imitating the PSA's from those "The More You Know" commercials

Sometimes I think quotes are funnier with less context

Whoops

Ugh, last night I had a dream that I accidentally came out to certain homophobes in my life who would completely freak out if they knew my sexual orientation. I wasn't angry or pushed into a corner. I was filling out my orientation on some website, and I just blurted it out. I kept (figuratively) kicking myself in the head.

I did not enjoy feeling that fear of being out before the right time. And I didn't enjoy being the one responsible for outing myself.

The Face of Death

The Planet Podcast, Episode 404: Layup

KC: Phyllis's face is weird. I dunno what it is; she just has this...[whispers] she looks like a dead person. That's what it is: she has the face of a dead person. It's gross. Or perhaps..plastic surgery.

I love it when KC says something that doesn't quite make sense at first, but it's still completely accurate!

This picture and this picture somewhat capture her "dead person look."

Uh Oh

I've been feeling very straight the past few days, and it's not triggered by some guy I like. Like...emotionally straight. In the words of parents in denial of their children's gayness, "Oh, it's just a phase." I must say I wasn't expecting it, but it is what it is. The only thing that gets me out of "perpetual phase mode" is loving someone.

I almost feel like I shouldn't even gay blog. But that's silly.

To mark this occasion, I'll share a conversation from "Six Feet Under." After some stereotypical art school girl-on-girl experiementaion, Claire discovered she's not gay, and she expressed her disappointment to her gay brother:

Claire: It's so much easier to be gay.
David: Oh no!
Claire: Yeah, I'd have a really defined subculture.
David: Overrated!
Claire: We're both women, I'd have some idea of what she was thinking and feeling.
David: Not necessarily.
Claire: I wouldn't have to deal with unfamiliar sex organs.
David: They're all unfamiliar unless they're yours.

Is anything ever easy?

Cut and Paste

fbaddict: sometimes lesbian girls hit on me, and i just tell them im straight
fbaddict: like at pride....jesus
ShaneMo: haha
fbaddict: i was talking to this one girl, shes friends with my friends and i knew her before, and she was just like (talking to my boobs), "so uh...i forgot *mesmerized*...are you, lesbian? or bisexual?..or...straight?" *still staring*
fbaddict: i was just like .....
ShaneMo: hahaha
ShaneMo: WELL, you were displaying them
fbaddict: haha but still
fbaddict: its rude to STARE
ShaneMo: true
ShaneMo: what'd you say?
fbaddict: i was like, straight
fbaddict: and then she left me alone. somewhat
ShaneMo: haha
ShaneMo: ok i'm totally going to pride next year scantily clad
fbaddict: hahahaha do it
fbaddict: its a lot of fun
ShaneMo: and let the boobies speak for themselves
fbaddict: LOL
ShaneMo: i dunno. i wonder if ppl can read me
ShaneMo: i can look pretty "gay." and i can look pretty "straight," and sometimes I feel like the way I talk somehow gives me away
fbaddict: hm yeah true
fbaddict: theres also gay acting/straight acting
fbaddict: i can do that too
fbaddict: when im with alot of guys ill start acting like them
fbaddict: straight guys i mean
ShaneMo: hah yeah
ShaneMo: yeah...body language
fbaddict: yeah exactly
fbaddict: haha or with my gay guy friend, i act like such a girl
fbaddict: it just depends

ShaneMo: i'm finding my sexual attraction to women increasing. but it's still not equal to my sexual attraction to men
fbaddict: yeah same
fbaddict: but emotional attraction is stronger
ShaneMo: yeah
ShaneMo: just b/c it's not an even 50/50 doesn't mean it's not bisexuality
fbaddict: but what if sometimes its 90/10 leaning towards men, and sometimes 90/10 leaning towards women?
ShaneMo: it means you're fluid
ShaneMo: and that the label is just an approximation. words can't encompass reality fully anyways
fbaddict: yeah true
ShaneMo: we both think too much
fbaddict: yeah i know
fbaddict: we need to stop analyzing everything
fbaddict: its because we're women
fbaddict: women analyze everything
ShaneMo: maybe

ShaneMo: hah, if you get w/ this girl you like, you'll be seeing an older woman..a whole three years older than you!
fbaddict: an older woman?
fbaddict: when you call her old lady, it sounds really bad. like shes a grandma or something
ShaneMo: hahaha
ShaneMo: you started calling her old in the first place!
fbaddict: haha
ShaneMo: to annoy me b/c she's my age
ShaneMo: so i'm conjuring up geriatric mental pictures to annoy you back
ShaneMo: is it working?
fbaddict: haha great
fbaddict: yes lol
ShaneMo: be prepared if things don't work w/ her
ShaneMo: you don't deserve to come crashing down
fbaddict: ahhh
fbaddict: thats why im fighting my feelings for her
fbaddict: but i want it to work out
ShaneMo: yeah, life is hard
ShaneMo: it's all about trying to get what you want, dealing with not getting what you want, and managing when you do get what you want
fbaddict: yeah, thats a good summary of it

ShaneMo: i felt pretty gay before meeting the ex. then i saw him and was whipped back into straight mode
fbaddict: haha
fbaddict: one day it could be permanent though
fbaddict: you never know
fbaddict: i'm scared of that
ShaneMo: true...maybe you end up loving someone so much that you don't turn back
fbaddict: honestly
fbaddict: yeah exactly
ShaneMo: scared of being gay or straight or either?
fbaddict: lol i feel really bad for saying this
fbaddict: but i'd be really scared of being gay
fbaddict: like 100%
ShaneMo: yeah, i've felt that way
fbaddict: cause your life would be so hard
ShaneMo: yeah...i dunno..there's a safety in bisexuality
ShaneMo: even tho it gets stereotyped too
ShaneMo: well, the safest is heterosexuality
ShaneMo: right, well, there's no way i'm a het
fbaddict: shit....do you think one mode could be permanent?
ShaneMo: well...if you end up in a long-term monogmaous relationship...that doesn't change being bi
fbaddict: but what if you arent attracted to anyone else but that one person
ShaneMo: i mean...even if you're a monosexual...you can still be attracted to other ppl
fbaddict: well you can have crushes, but i dunno
ShaneMo: yeah i know what you mean
fbaddict: i guess technically, i was a lesbian for a few months
ShaneMo: that's an odd sentence
fbaddict: why?
ShaneMo: not in a bad way. just like..."those were my lesbo months"
fbaddict: haha, hasbian
ShaneMo: hahahaha
ShaneMo: okay...even if you're 100% committed and into one person
ShaneMo: i dunno...you can still identify as bi
fbaddict: yeah but you arent attracted to men
fbaddict: so you'd be lying to yourself
ShaneMo: but men are a possibility
fbaddict: you could identify as the person-sexual..like "Johnsexual" for example
ShaneMo: okay...there's current sexuality and entire sexuality
fbaddict: true
ShaneMo: at that time, your current sexuality was lesbian/for one girl
fbaddict: haha
fbaddict: it wasnt even lesbian
fbaddict: i didnt like other girls
fbaddict: but then it was heterosexuality for a long time
fbaddict: until this past summer again
fbaddict: with discovering my crush on amy lee and this new girl
ShaneMo: hah, the evanescence singer?
fbaddict: haha yea
ShaneMo: you should write amy lee a letter
ShaneMo: "thanks for getting me in touch with my inner lesbian"
fbaddict: LOL
fbaddict: that would be creepy

ShaneMo: we can be kinda lame
fbaddict: yeah but oh well
ShaneMo: at least we don't want to take over the world like my stalker
fbaddict: well, soon enough
ShaneMo: haha, yes, i shall achieve world domination through sarcasm and bitterness
ShaneMo: and you shall be my sidekick
fbaddict: haha
ShaneMo: you'll wear a skirt and a bra like you did at pride
fbaddict: hey, why do I have to be the sidekick?
ShaneMo: because i'm older
fbaddict: and fishnets
ShaneMo: hahaha
fbaddict: fuck outfit
fbaddict: yeah lol
fbaddict: hooker outfit
ShaneMo: yeah, we're two classy bitches

Me

Two posts in one day!

A lot has been going on. Well not necessarily event-wise, but I've been noticing a lot in recent mundane occurrences. I once again feel like I'm on the verge of incorporating new ideas into my perceptions (and consequently my actions). There's a lot to say, but there's not a lot of time to say it. Here's some random shit:

• I'm a pretty good friend. I listen, I try to find the humor and up side to difficult situations, I can be forgiving and non-judgmental, and I'm usually available. No, I'm not trying to toot my own horn. But it dawned on me that I don't apply any of these qualities to myself! I judge most of my thoughts negatively, so I try to tune out to what's going on in my head because I immediately label it all as unacceptable. But on the other hand, I'm so inherently introspective that ideas/revelations will suddenly hit me when I'm doing something completely boring...like the dishes. I need to have some compassion for myself and learn to listen to myself with that patient, observant, and neutral attentiveness that I reserve for my close friends. Disconnecting myself from myself is going to get me nowhere.
• I haven't seen my best friend in two weeks. We live five minutes from each other, but our schedules just haven't been matching. I feel off. I didn't realize how I got used to our routine until now. And it's rare to have people that know about allll of your facets. I find it very relieving to be mushy and affectionate with a friend and to experience no complications or unclear boundaries.
  
• I've been feeling simultaneously gay and straight. This doesn't happen to me often.
• I've been listening to Kelka for a year now. Is it pathetic that a podcast has had such a big impact on my life?
• This article says that the blue/pink distinction for males and females is biological. I'm not sure what I think yet. I remember hating pink as a kid because I thought it was girly and that girliness wasn't cool. Now I love pink because I think it goes well with my non-pasty skin tone. And isn't that the point of wearing different colors? To wear what looks good on you? I'm not sure that's a gender thing.

Har Har

I'm totally copying this post by SloGreenX, but it's amusing to see how people find your blog. Here are some search terms that people used to unintentionally find my blog:

kc elka
elka kc
kelka
aliece piezecki quotes
cunt-faced bitch
phallice and yoni
we're not faggots we're dykes shirt
i feel like a pinata the l word
elka splat

I'd love a shirt that says, "We're not faggots we're dykes!" I mean, if someone is going to insult your sexuality with a slur, they might as well get the slur right.

Thinking Out Loud

So my mostly closeted, bisexual friend (whom we'll call...Sally) called me yesterday and told me how she was at a bar (non-gay) with her friends. Everyone was drinking. Some straight-seeming girl started hitting on her, and they made out for a few minutes before the straight girl freaked out and ran away.

Sally freaked out too because she didn't want her friends to see her kissing a girl because the friends she was with didn't know she likes girls too.

Sally then freaked out to me on the phone about her own hypocrisy and state of closetedness: "I felt like I wasn't ready to give up the safety of seeming straight, so I didn't want to tell my friends, so I felt like a superficial hypocrite who hides behind the straight relationship I'm in (her boyfriend was cool with it when she told him about it later; I wonder if he'd be cool with it if she casually made out with a guy), but I don't feel ready to face it all in myself..."

I told Sally she's being a bit too hard on herself since she clearly recognizes her own issues. She should see this experience as an indicator of where she's at in the coming out process and as motivation to take more steps towards the goal of outness and self-acceptance.

I then felt prompted to evaluate my own outness status: about 50% of my friends know. And I just haven't gotten around to telling most of those who don't know. I went out to lunch this weekend with a good friend who I know for a fact isn't homophobic at all, and I thought maybe I should just get it over with. But I didn't know how to work it into the conversation; I'm better at transitions on paper than in person. I then realized that if I really want to share something, then I have to make a point to bring the attention to myself and say what I have to say.

Another thing that occurred to me was how I have a few friends who do know, but when they ask me about my personal life, they refer to it as my "boy life," or they only use male pronouns. It's not a huge deal, but it is kinda annoying. Maybe they forget. But just because I can be straight and have had more straight experiences doesn't mean that straightness encompasses all of who I am. But again, it's my responsibility to assertively point these things out.

I still feel hesitant. I don't always like drawing too much attention to myself in the first place. I don't want to come across as a bitchy, in-your-face person with a permanent rainbow-colored boa on my neck (I clearly prefer coming across that way in blog form); I don't want to make people unnecessarily uncomfortable. Sally expressed the same fear to me, and I told her that people will inevitably encounter uncomfortable experiences that will force them out of their perceptual comfort zones. It's a part of life, and we all have to deal with it.

Therefore, I need to keep my own advice in mind.

The Blind Leading the Blind

I've pretty much found a younger version of myself:

fbaddict: i want this girl at my work
fbaddict: i have like a month before i never see her again
ShaneMo: ooh la la!
ShaneMo: back to girls!
fbaddict: haha
fbaddict: it goes back and forth
ShaneMo: yes, well
ShaneMo: that's what bisexuality is
fbaddict: yeah but i dont want her sexually
fbaddict: so its bisexuality without the sexuality
ShaneMo: how do you want her then?
fbaddict: i dont know
fbaddict: i just want her
fbaddict: lol
ShaneMo: how specific
fbaddict: i dont know, im confused
fbaddict: do you want to kiss her?
fbaddict: i think so
ShaneMo: do you want like...a close friendship?
fbaddict: i dont know
fbaddict: i think im just confused
ShaneMo: i know, that's why i'm trying to ask you questions to get some idea
fbaddict: i dunno
fbaddict: i think i just have a crush on her
fbaddict: i always have actually
fbaddict: she kind of reminds me of another crush
ShaneMo: hah
fbaddict: well i dont see her as a replacement though
fbaddict: but i think one of the reasons why i like her is because she kind of reminds me of her
ShaneMo: yeah
fbaddict: shes a bit older than me though
fbaddict: so i dunno
ShaneMo: how old?
fbaddict: 23
ShaneMo: LOL
ShaneMo: yeah, she's just an aging hag
fbaddict: LOL
fbaddict: no but i mean
fbaddict: its different with girls
fbaddict: like its ok if a guy is older
ShaneMo: yeah, i understand...i guess
ShaneMo: do you feel a big age difference w/ me?
fbaddict: no
fbaddict: i dont really think about it
ShaneMo: well, you also can't see me, but yeah
ShaneMo: i don't either
fbaddict: haha
ShaneMo: you're 21, right?
fbaddict: 20
ShaneMo: god, i was a complete idiot when i was 20

ShaneMo: do you want to...hold hands w/ her?
fbaddict: i really dont know what i want
fbaddict: i like being around her and i equate that with having a crush on her
fbaddict: see, i need to experiment
ShaneMo: ah, right. yes you do.
fbaddict: remember i was talking about this before, i think you felt the same way...that it takes a lot for us to want another girl sexually?
fbaddict: like it's not with guys
ShaneMo: right
fbaddict: yeah maybe it's that
ShaneMo: i gotcha
ShaneMo: so you'd have to get to know her better to know more about what you want?
fbaddict: i dont know
fbaddict: probably
ShaneMo: physically do think she's attractive enough to fuck?
ShaneMo: in theory?
fbaddict: yeah i guess so
fbaddict: like if i was a guy
fbaddict: yeah
ShaneMo: well, you aren't a guy
fbaddict: yeah but i mean, i could see why a guy would want to
fbaddict: but as a girl...no, i wouldnt. not now anyway
ShaneMo: ah, okay
ShaneMo: straight sex can be easier.
ShaneMo: even tho men usually take a while to navigate through vagina
fbaddict: lol
fbaddict: yeah, lesbian sex is too complicated
fbaddict: i think i saw that on an episode of will and grace one time
fbaddict: she said something like "i almost became a lesbian, but it took too much effort"
ShaneMo: hahaha...it's different for everyone
ShaneMo: some women like the effort
ShaneMo: giving a blowjob isn't always a walk in the park
fbaddict: i could easily get tired of it with a girl
fbaddict: then i'd be the stereotypical bisexual and leave my girlfriend to go back to men...ha
ShaneMo: lovely
ShaneMo: and we sort of harbor a hatred for that
fbaddict: yeah i know
fbaddict: its horrible
fbaddict: i hate girls like that

Yay for self-loathing and hypocrisy!

And yay for perpetual confusion:

ShaneMo: i think you need to kiss a girl
fbaddict: well, thats what im counting on this girl for
ShaneMo: ah, right
fbaddict: although shes old
ShaneMo: she's MY age
fbaddict: lol
ShaneMo: you little twit
fbaddict: haha
fbaddict: hey, im old too
ShaneMo: stop it!
fbaddict: well its true
ShaneMo: no it isn't
ShaneMo: if she doesn't work, just doll yourself up, go to a gay bar, have a drink, and find some hot girl. you could pull it off
fbaddict: but i dont want some random girl
ShaneMo: i'm just saying maybe you should get some girl kissing out of the way
ShaneMo: i understand you don't want it to be random
ShaneMo: but i think it could possibly help you feel less confused
fbaddict: true
fbaddict: what if i dont like it
fbaddict: does that mean im straight?
fbaddict: what if im really turned off by it
ShaneMo: well, it'll be more info to go on
ShaneMo: i don't think you're straight
fbaddict: lol
fbaddict: but if i dont like it, then....?
ShaneMo: then maybe you need more emotions
fbaddict: so then i need to focus on her
fbaddict: cause there are emotions there
ShaneMo: yes, she's definitely the first project
fbaddict: shit. what if i like it better than with boys...then im a lesbian?
ShaneMo: hm, well, with the way you talk about dick...i don't think you're a lesbian either
fbaddict: haha

Talking to her is like deja vu for me; I was like this in college.

Say What?

I'm not too big on listening to the radio; I prefer my iPod (we've been in a needy/codependent relationship for two years now). But I happened to be listening to a certain radio station that shamelessly plays all the infectious, catchy pop songs that get stuck in my head. And this woman called in and shared a story: she dumped her ex boyfriend because he wasn't nice to her, and she recently found out that he currently has a boyfriend. The radio host guy (or whatever the correct title is) was like, "Wow, you made your ex boyfriend gay!" And he kept saying it.

I don't understand the idea of "making someone gay." Just because this woman's ex boyfriend went to men right after her doesn't mean his being gay/bi was the result of their relationship. And how exactly do you make someone gay? Someone might realize that they prefer one sex over the other through experience, but it's not like a religious conversion.

The radio guy asked her how she felt about her ex liking men, and I was totally expecting her to be appalled, but she said it turned her on!

Presentation is Everything

The Planet Podcast, Episode 306: Lifesize

Kelka are discussing how laidback Elka's parents are and how coming out was a painless, humorous affair for her:

Elka: Like, I told my mom I was dating a girl before most of my friends knew.
KC: And what was her reaction?
Elka: "Oh that's nice, Dear. Let's go shopping."
KC: I remember that...
Elka: My mom is like, "If you get A's, I don't give a fuck. What else goes on in your life, just keep getting A's!" And so I did.
KC: I remember that cus I called you like the day after your mom left, and I was like, "Oh my god, you came out to your mom. What'd she say?" And you were like, "Eh, she didn't care; she just wanted to go buy some shoes."
Elka: Seriously, telling my mom I got a C on a test would be way more traumatic than telling her that I eat pussy.
KC: [laughs] Well, it's not like you said that. I dunno...
Elka: [laughs]
KC: If you actually said, "Mom, I eat pussy, " I think she might be a little dumbfounded.
Elka: She would turn red and laugh and probably, like, smack me on the arm.
KC: [laughs] She'd be like, "Have you been drinking before noon again?"

God, I wish my parents were remotely as open-minded and laidback as that. Hah, and I'd love to see Elka's mom's reaction if Elka had said, "Mom, I eat pussy."

So Fucking Cute

A friend showed me this video, and I have to admit I temporarily paused with the Breeder Bitching footage that usually runs in my head.

"And when it feels this way I really am with you."

• I still have to remember that I'm bi. It's kind of strange. I'll have a thought about girls, and then a few hours later, I'll have a thought about boys. I'll feel confused, and then I'll remind myself of the explanation: Hellooo! You're bi! Duh! Please hurry up and get over yourself. It still feels like a conclusion that I arrived at recently even though all the evidence from my pubescent years onwards would suggest that another ginormous DUH is in order.

• I was thinking about the friend I'm currently closest to. In some ways it's reassuring to have an attractive close friend with whom there is no sexual tension (she's bi too). I noticed that this doesn't happen to me very often. Is that a casualty of being bi with diverse tastes? Maybe.

• On a related note, Project Re-Friend Ex is going pretty well. It's moving at a slow pace, but we're being really nice to each other. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think he was the prettiest boy ever, but it really is all very platonic. It feels good to let go of the anger and to hold onto the respect we have for each other. Respect is rare. I was even thinking that his girlfriend seems like a cool person, and I could see myself befriending her (and I'm not attracted to her either! Woohoo!). I don't have any plans to, but it's refreshing to feel amiable towards her. I don't have experiences like this often, so it's noteworthy.

• I was having a bit of girl talk (aka boy talk) with my cousin, and I was so close to coming out to her since she's cool and can keep a secret. But I held my tongue. Argh! And for some reason I feel like coming out isn't as big of a deal if you're bi because if you're being straight, you're not being entirely dishonest.
  

Nerd Alert!

I had a rather nerdy, overly giddy conversation with an old friend who I can't see often due to time/distance contraints. It can be fun to talk about non-sexual crushes with straight girls:

HighOctaves: i read the namesake again
HighOctaves: woooo
HighOctaves: damn
HighOctaves: i forgot about the last part
ShaneMo: i haven't read it.
HighOctaves: OH MAN
HighOctaves: read it
ShaneMo: yes, i should
ShaneMo: i'm currently sort of reading "the autograph man" by zadie smith
HighOctaves: WHITE TEETH
HighOctaves: DELICIOUS
ShaneMo: yah, i wanted to read white teeth, but i didn't feel engrossed when i started it
HighOctaves: ah
HighOctaves: perhaps you might give it another try
HighOctaves: i put it aside several times
HighOctaves: for other books
HighOctaves: but then finally stuck with it
ShaneMo: i'm sure it's worth it. i love her style
HighOctaves: mmmmhmmm
HighOctaves: yay
HighOctaves: ah literature
ShaneMo: i have a literary crush on her
HighOctaves: !!!!!!!!!!!!!
HighOctaves: i'm totally literarily in love with jhumpa lahiri
HighOctaves: and she's kinda hot, actually
HighOctaves: she has nice eyes
ShaneMo: YES
ShaneMo: i was thinking that
HighOctaves: i want green eyes
HighOctaves: man
HighOctaves: i'm jealous
HighOctaves: her description is kind of orgasmic
HighOctaves: woooo
HighOctaves: :-)
ShaneMo: nerds forever!
HighOctaves: LOL
HighOctaves: :-)
HighOctaves: yay!
ShaneMo: zadie smith is mixed too. which is a weakness of mine
HighOctaves: I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!
HighOctaves: fusion
ShaneMo: teehee
HighOctaves: brings out the best of all the flavors, ya know?
ShaneMo: yummy!
HighOctaves: LOL
HighOctaves: hahahaha
HighOctaves: her name is so cool
HighOctaves: zadie
ShaneMo: i know!!
ShaneMo: i thought that too
ShaneMo: altho it originally was "sadie"
ShaneMo: which is cute too, but the z makes a big difference
HighOctaves: but then you get to make the zzzzzzz sound
HighOctaves: so sexy
HighOctaves: sigh
ShaneMo: yaaay!
ShaneMo: we are conjoined in our literary crushes
HighOctaves: thank god we can talk about these things
ShaneMo: yes!!

Pendulum

I'm starting to feel better. I made myself think things through clearly. I talked to some friends, I have some plans in place, and I came up with some realistic goals. Yay for coping constructively!

In light of this, I'm going to quote Kelka, two of the funniest people alive.

The Planet Podcast, Episode 411: Literary License to Kill

Elka forces KC to share her embarrassing, desperate, childhood obsession with having a pet monkey. It's super cute and amusing to hear KC blushing:

Elka: So tell them what you did.
KC: NO! It's too embarrassing for real!
Elka: Tell them about the catalogs.
KC: I really don't want to!
Elka: Do it!
KC: No, I'm serious. I don't want to. It's really embarrassing, and it shows some sort of psychotic behavior on my part.
Elka: You were a kid! Kids do odd things sometimes. Okay, I'll start.
KC: [pleading] Noo!
Elka: When KC was a little girl...
KC: I don't know if we should put this on there for real..
Elka:...she used to go through the JC Penny catalog and pick out the little outfits that she wanted to dress her pet monkey in and like circle them and mix and match the clothes...
KC: ...[reluctant] yeah...
Elka:..and make these elaborate order forms for the clothes.
KC: Well, I've always been obsessed with office supplies, so I made my own order forms. I put like size, color, item number.
Elka: Clothes from the JC Penny catalog..
KC: I was a child!
Elka: ...to dress the pet monkey up
KC: And I knew which ones would look good on a monkey and which ones would look good on a baby
Elka: [laughs]
KC: And like overalls would look great on a monkey! And some clothes, they don't make monkey sense [laughs]. Like pants with a button and a zipper. That's not right for a monkey!
Elka: You need an elastic waistband, obviously.

The thought of a child (who would grow up to be dark and sarcastic) putting her monkey fashion sense to use makes me smile.

iSuck v. 6.0

I’m going to try to be somewhat honest in this post. Because I’m not so good at it.

I haven’t been treating myself well lately. Mentally speaking. I’ve been getting lost in my own head. It’s affecting how I interact with other people. I’m fine in professional settings. In fact, I’m thriving at my current job. I gave a mini presentation the other day, and I was calm, confident, and knowledgeable in a room where everyone was a lot older and more experienced than I am. And I enjoyed myself.

But when it comes to social settings, I feel like I’ve sorta forgotten how to be myself and how to open up to other people. I’m letting my distorted perceptions of myself take over in a way. Some of it’s gay-related, and some of it isn’t. My best friend is the only one who is aware of this, and she’s always trying to get me to hang out to give me a break from my dense brain. She’s probably the one person who might know me better than I know myself, and I still have to sort of force myself to be honest with her.

And I have some perceptive, brilliant, and emotionally available friends who would be more than willing to let me unload on them; I’ve always been there for them when I can. But I completely forget about the notion of sharing. Yesterday a friend called me on how I share and then don’t share. What the hell is up with that?

I still feel like I’ll be judged or I’ll become a burden. I just want to hide hide hide everything. When I was in high school, I used to have romantic fantasies about being a solitary, spiritual, and intellectual person (uh, I was a late bloomer) like Thoreau. Now, I’m just a solitary overly intellectual person who hibernates according to her own fucked-up seasons.

Blah, this is getting old. I feel like I’m too old and too smart for this self-image bullshit. I’m limiting myself, and it’s getting to a point where I will definitely regret it. And I don’t regret very many things. I’m making a point to change the status quo.

Just Go With the Flow?

I was thinking about season 1 of "The L Word," and I had the urge to google "lesbian-identified male" when I remembered Lisa, the man who likes to have sex with women but still considers himself to be a lesbian. I was hoping for some answers, but most of my search results just had more questions posed in discussion forums. Go figure.

At first I thought it was kind of silly that he would consider himself a lesbian; just because he wants a woman to penetrate him doesn't mean he has to switch sexualities. He could just consider himself "kinky" instead of "lesbian." (Maybe one day in the future people will be able to introduce themselves as "kinky" just like they might introduce themselves as "gay" or "straight"). But he's sort of odd. He seems confortable in his body, so he's probably not trans. He's not the most masculine of men; he's kind of needy. Is that why he considers himself gay? Ick.

Blah, the whole thing is confusing. I mean, I'm all for identifying however you want, and yay for fluidity, but it's quite the mindfuck. I remember seeing Eddie Izzard (a hilarious transvestite comedian) describe himself as a butch lesbian who fancies girls. And yet his make up and attire are over-the-top and drag queen-like. It may not entirely make sense to me, but then again I don't always make sense to myself at times either.

Poor Lisa though. Although I completely related to Alice's desire to have completely uncomplicated sex with men, she was pretty mean to him, and she gave him the shaft that he didn't want.

I was also thinking about Keith on "Six Feet Under." He's a gay man in a committed relationship. He doesn't seem to identify as bisexual, but he admitted to enjoying having sex with women ( I believe his exact words were, "I looved fuckin' women"). I have an acquaintence like this: he ended up unintentionally leading my friend on and causing her a lot of heartbreak when he finally realized he was gay. These types of situations make Shane's proverb of "going with the flow" much easier said than done.

I forgot what my point was. Uh, I guess it's that grey has a lot of shades. Perhaps too many. And if I'm sitting here analyzing this and being open-minded (and still feeling a bit confused), then I can't imagine how an ignorant het could process this. Or maybe it doesn't need to be processed; maybe it should just labled and filed under "It is what it is."

I'm finally too lazy to think of a title...

"The L Word," Episode 208: Loyal

Shane feels fed up with the drama (that she brought upon herself) between her, Jenny, and Carmen. She goes to confession, and she shares more about herself than she did before:

Shane: Bless me father, for I have sinned. It's been... sixteen years... since my last confession.
Priest: And what brought you here tonight?
Shane: Everyone... wants something from me, and... I don't feel like I have anything left to give.
Priest: What have you been giving up until now?
Shane: Sex. That's mainly what people want. Actually, I... I don't even know at this point. I don't.. I don't..I don't know.
Priest: Do you feel you have to have sex with everyone who wants it?
Shane: In church I didn't. I used to, uh, live in a church shelter, so...
Priest: When was that?
Shane: I guess I was 10. And I ran away from my foster family because someone told me my real mom was back in Austin. And she used to go to that shelter when she was trying to get clean.
Priest: Your mother was a drug addict?
Shane: Yeah.
Priest: Have you ever considered joining a church group?
Shane: No. No. No, no, I don't like groups. The thing I... I like about confession is... you don't have to see the other person's face. And you don't have to see how..how hurt they are when they realize that you can't be that thing they want you to be.
Priest: You might find that there are people who don't want anything from you. They just want to know you.
Shane: [chuckles sadly] Yeah, I haven't met anyone like that. Anyway, there's nothing to know [walks out].

I thought this scene was well-written and insightful. It was perfect for Shane's character, and we finally got to see what she's really thinking and feeling instead of just being this hot sex machine. I wonder if there are people who just want to get to know other people without wanting anything from them..

Speaking of Richard Simmons...

Too sexy!

The Planet Podcast: The Chart, 07/17/07

I was amused by the drunk dialing Kelkians, so I felt like counting how many times a listener used certain adjectives to describe Kelka's state of awesomeness:

I'm a sexy bitch, and you girls are clearly sexy bitches, and you guys are hot, and your podcast is hot, and everything about everything you do is so goddamn sexy that I am full of sexiness, and there's sexiness clouding the room right now. And I'm drunk, and you're sexy, and that's all I have to say about that. KC and Elka, you girls go on and be your goddamn sexy selves because you're so goddamn sexy that there's sexiness everywhere. That's all I have to say, and you girls are hot. So you have a good, hot, sexy, fucking day, and I love you [funny, strange, affectionate munching sound].

"sexy"-7
"sexiness"-3
"goddamn"-3
"hot"-4
----------------
Total: 17