Whooo are you?

Identity has always been of interest to me. There are so many ways one could identify and describe oneself: what you do, what you look like, how you dress, who you fuck, how you fuck, what you believe in, the friends you choose, what you eat, how you express your gender identity, your taste in art, the accomplishments you value, how much money you make, etc.

Six or so months ago I had an epiphany: zomg! you are what you think! I told a few friends about this revelation, and no one disagreed with me. Your thoughts shape your reality. They shape how you perceive life. They precede and cause all your actions, even involuntary ones. And your internal dialogue is what you spend all day with. It's a more intimate relationship than one could ever have with any other person.

But now, I want to revise this idea. Because I have plenty of thoughts that I do not agree with. They are results of patterns that I have internalized from others, but they aren't me. So now I think that you are how you react to to life, your own thoughts, the thoughts and actions of others, etc. You can decide how these influences affect you, even if the influence is the voice in your head.

And then I was thinking about what the hell I mean by, "Because writing it out is fighting it out." I just intuitively came up with that. But now I see what my goal was, even though I couldn't identify it at the time: I wanted to use writing to extract ill-formed reactions regarding queer issues. I wanted to let go of unnecessary anger, bitterness, shame, etc.

And then I was thinking about how I've broadened the definition of a queer as someone who is free from all social constructs--not just the ones related to gender and sexuality. (No, I'm not a proponent of anarchy).

And I've met someone who doesn't feel inherently inadequate for not measuring up to some standard (as far as I can tell at least). And he wasn't born that way; he did the internal work to get there. It's the most queer anyone can be. I don't know what will happen between us, but it's awesome to know that this exists, even if it doesn't lead to a friendship or relationship.

This is what I'm working towards, bit by bit. To never be tortured or tricked by subjective ideas. To never confuse them for absolutes.

I feel like I sound like The Joker in The Dark Knight.